1. What you may read through in this article is strictly my personal opinion, based out of my personal experience and may not be applicable to some or all girls. However, I would still recommend caution; not in following my advice, but rather in NOT following my advice.
2. I am no Aamir Khan. So, please don't expect a dramatic portrayal of prevalent problems in the society, complete with statistics, present and future impacts and disturbing questions without ready solutions. What you may read through is desensitized practical problems that may be faced in any marriage, in any culture or society; and not necessarily restricted to the INDIAN context. Hope it proves to be a refreshing change from SATYAMEV JAYATE (without prejudice to the awesome reality TV show).
That day a friend informed me that she might be getting married soon to her long time boyfriend. And so started a spate of all the 'girlie' talk about shopping, engagement, honeymoon destination, etc. During our never ending bursts of ideas, I realized that most of us well-educated, decent and upright girls of upper middle class families have been brought-up and taught modesty to the hilt. So much so that we might be content to subdue our desires for the biggest day of our lives but would not under any circumstances go ahead and express them to our would-be husbands lest we be taken as any less self-respecting girls than we really are. Not even if that would-be husband is a long time boyfriend and knows you inside out anyway. I was like that (although mine was an arranged marriage). And now I am seeing my friend behave in the similar way. So, what do I do? Try to pump in some sense in my friend? I won't bet my dollars on it knowing well how it is with 'independent' girls of the day.
So I promised her a list of things to keep in mind while starting a matrimonial relationship, even if just for keepsakes (and commenting years later, "Ah! She was right. I wish I would have followed her advice"). Here goes the list:
1. Shun Modesty: Of course, this has got to be my first advice. After all, this is where it all started. So, go ahead and ask him for some of the things you like, e.g. that beautiful engagement ring you saw somewhere and still secretly dream about; that awesome (and darn costly) pair of heels you saw and are unable to get out of your head; the perfect dinner date you have been envisaging for years since you entered your teens; etc. Don't feel shy. Don't think it's against your self-respect. Make it as obvious as it's your first right on him. Now, don't be fooled into thinking that all your demands will be fulfilled. But, unless you say it, be assured that none of them will be fulfilled. Because at the end of the day, a 'man who understands you perfectly and gauges your thoughts and desires before you mutter them' is actually a myth, no matter how much time and effort you may have already invested in your relationship. There is no such man on earth. A man, once he assures himself that he is in a relationship with someone and would like to spend his life with that person, DOES NOT put in any further thought in the relationship, unlike a woman. He simply assumes that now that the two of you are together, you are comfortable enough to tell him anything and everything that is going on in your mind. And, eventually, he usually doesn't make any effort to try and guess that on his own.
2. Financial Segregation: One of the most important advice I have for working women, is to try and RETAIN your financial independence. Often it happens that after you get married, you think that whatever both of you are earning is a common pool and hence do not care whose salary goes into what. Don't do that. Compulsorily save some part of your Salary. If you want to contribute to household expenditures, do it but fix an amount of monthly contribution, an upper limit and try to adhere to it. And restrict access to the remaining amount with yourself (don't have Add-on cards linked to your accounts, don't pass on account / netbanking / ATM pin details, etc.) Don't say to your husband that you don't want to give him access to your money, but politely tell him that you want to save some amount for the 'extreme emergency' situations. And eventually, let 'extreme emergency' situations remain 'extreme'. Don't find excuses to use that amount. e.g. that special gift on 'his' birthday, down-payment of the big car he wants to buy, etc. The golden rule to use that amount is whether or not the so-called 'emergency' puts your or any family member's life at stake. Unless so, don't touch that amount. You will thank your stars if, God forbid, a life-threatening situation does emerge. Besides, this amount add loads to your financial security as sub-consciously you are always aware that there are funds that are lying somewhere and are solely at YOUR disposal.
3. Logical Security: Don't ever share your email, SNS, personal system passwords with him. You trust him? Great! You KNOW he will not misuse it? Perfect! But, I would still advice you to not do that. Our elders taught us that a 'personal diary' should be personal and should be accessible only to the owner. Email accounts, SNS accounts, personal systems and laptops are not much different. They hold a lot of personal information and it is a fact that most reasons for discord in day-to-day living are being caused by these. One may ask, if I have a public profile and everything is visible to most people, why do we need to take such precautions. But my point is that your husband may not use the passwords shared by you at all; even despite that, him having the power to do all that puts you on a back-foot as compared to being aware that your account is safe in your hands.
4. Trust with caution: Your husband is such a great guy that he has no eyes for any girl except you? Congrats, you just might be the one of the lucky few ending up with a prized catch. But as I said before, such a man is a myth. He doesn't exist.So, even if you are not an overtly possessive, perpetually nagging b**** for a wife, there is no harm in being a cautious, concerned and a generally aware wife. So, just keep a track of where your husband has been when you were not around. What has he been up to? Who all his friends are? How he likes to spend his time alone? How many girls are there in his acquaintances? What kind of a relationship does he share with them? Is there someone with whom he might be far too comfortable with, for your own comfort? Never ever let him have a feeling that he may do something without you finding it out sooner or later. Trust me, this is the most important aspect to make your relationship long-lasting.
5. Be secretive. You guys are so close now that you have no secrets between yourselves. Oh No!! Would never advice that. Some things are best kept closed in your hearts. This advice is usually given for past relationships, ex-boyfriends, once-upon-a-time crushes, etc. And it's true. Even if he is aware of all your 'exes', don't share unnecessary details with him. Men are much less accommodating as compared to women and get jealous much more easily, even if the concerned person in contention is just your favorite Bollywood star about whom he can be certain that he is not even aware of your existence, leave alone your affections for him. But, that's how men are. This advice, of course, might not be applicable in case of long-time best buddies becoming lovers and spouses. But being secretive about the details part still holds good. However, when I thought of giving an advice about being secretive, my idea was not really about 'exes'. I personally think that it is much more important to be secretive about your family specifics e.g. how much property your family members might own; how you or any member of your family never get along with some other member; etc. Discovering such details by accident is one thing and opening a Pandora's box with all your family secrets is a separate thing. Even if he discovers any of it, don't divulge any further information or simply start gossiping assuming he now knows most about it so why not tell him the whole truth. No, had they been YOUR secrets, you would have had every right to do so. But they are not your secrets, they are YOUR FAMILY'S secrets, and you have no right to put them in the confidentiality of a person who is not exactly born in the family. Again, he might not really misuse this information or manipulate / blackmail your family with it, but why unnecessarily grant him the power to do so?
6. Your kids' hero: Last but not least, let him do some chores for your kids. What? You are scared that they would be done in such a bad shape that you might have to re-do them? Never mind. Still let him do them. Make him realize that the kids are just NOT YOUR RESPONSIBILITY ALONE. The same applies to general household chores. And certainly this advice of mine is all the more relevant for couples living on their own, especially without proper house helps to handle most of the tasks.
Also, I would mention here that these above-mentioned rules BECOME APPLICABLE FROM DAY 1 of your marriage / engagement. For once, humans are a strange lot and do not like things happening frequently out of routine. Anything that is put in place at inception is easily accepted as compared to changes introduced later in the relationship. So, for instance, you had been opening your salary account to him ever since the first day of your marriage and then something happens that you did not exactly like, then be prepared that implementing the segregation NOW would be next to impossible. You are now going against the expectation which has been established by you that he may reach out for your salary without first asking for your permission. Forcing such restrictions later on hurts in a relationship. You may notice him taunting you on these at opportune moments forever later in life.
So, be sensible and learn from other people's mistakes. Life is too short and precious to make all of them yourself.
