The day before, I was sitting with someone and we were discussing what it means to be a single mom. One of the things we talked about was how my divorce had changed me. That’s when I reflected that my divorce has actually made me a better person.
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Just like getting married, getting divorced is a life changing event, especially if you have children. When you enter into a marriage, you are filled with hopes of a new life full of love. And when it falls apart, you can’t help feeling a little lost and depressed. It is not just the end of the marriage but the end of who you were in that marriage, and who you had hoped you would grow to be. No one comes out of this unchanged. I am no exception. I am no longer the person I used to be in another life when I was married. Here’s how I have changed for the better:
It has made me more resilient and stronger
I must admit that thanks to the wonderful upbringing I got from my parents, I have never felt as the ‘weaker sex’. I always believed I could achieve anything I set my heart to. But, I have otherwise had a very protected childhood. Right until my college admissions, my dad accompanied me to college and helped me with everything. After college when I started doing my CA articleship, he would drive me down to every client before the start of every audit to make sure I was familiar with the place and the way. Every coaching class which ended after or any working day which extended beyond 8.00 pm, my dad was there outside the building waiting to pick me up. He was always my back and it was because I could fall back on him, that I left everything behind and came back. But then he passed away a year after my separation just when my divorce proceedings were about to start. I was suddenly on my own; dealing with policemen, lawyers, courts, CAW cell authorities and what not. Did I ever wonder whether I would be able to sail through? Yes. Did I ever wonder that I should just let go and accede to their stupid demands? Yes. Did I ever wonder whether I should just continue to live in status quo? Yes again. But all these wonderings only lasted a short while. Eventually, I would be back ready to fight whatever challenges lay ahead. My dad often used to say to me, “Zindagi mein kabhi kisi cheez se ghabrana nahin hai. Woh kehte hain naa, ‘When the going gets tough, the tough get going’.” Those words sailed me through everything and I emerged eventually as a much stronger person than I thought I could be.
It has made me independent and self-reliant
My divorce has made me more independent than ever - in every sense of the word - financially, emotionally, and socially. I am now far more equipped to be on my own than I ever was before. While I was going through the process of divorce, somewhere down the line I realized that at the end of the day, I am on my own. I made mistakes but I learnt from them. I suffered losses but recovered as fast as I could. There was this force inside me which wanted me to go through the process on my own, without relying on every word of the professionals like lawyers, policemen, etc. I used to discuss with them, argue with them and eventually gathered every information I could use. This is the approach I adopted for my other dealings too.
It has made me appreciate the good people in my life
We often take those who love us for granted. But, seeing how my loved ones - friends and family - often went out of their way to be there for me, to offer me unrelenting support and love, has given me a new found appreciation, respect and love for them. For every person who bails on you or ill-treats you; there are five who stand by you. It is simply a matter of learning to recognize them. My mom was an unrelenting support not just morally but who did everything so as to enable me to get back on my feet. She looks after my daughter while I am away working for more than the normal work shifts. She is there when I travel on business. And the best part was that she was an equal partner in every endeavor we had to undertake to settle down after the double loss of my dad’s demise and the break-down of my marriage. If I stood tall, it was because she never buckled down under pressure. And there was my cousin who stood by my side on every hearing, on every visit to the police station or the mediation center. My divorce taught me to recognize the people who stood by me, and has made me a person who would not hesitate to do the same for them.
It has helped me regain my confidence
I have always been a confident person thanks to my schooling and my upbringing. But somewhere along the way after I had gotten married and had to leave my career, my ex-husband and his family meticulously worked to kill my confidence and mould me into a submissive, compromising person. My confidence was at an all-time low when I came back to my parents’ house post my separation. I would sit quiet all day long and keep thinking of what had happened to my life. That’s when my parents intervened. Within a week, I was on a job hunt on my parents’ insistence. It wasn’t easy. I had been on a break for over 4 years. I had lost touch with all laws, governances, rules and notifications which were so important in my profession. I was even scared of facing interviewers and would walk in with a smile all pepped up by my parents but would end up dispirited just after one trick question that I couldn’t handle. Nevertheless, I managed to start from a scratch at the base position in a medium size CA firm, eventually growing step-by-step over the years. It taught me the value of my education because the only thing that got me back on my professional track was my illustrious academic background.
It has taught me to be grateful
Like I said, I had been on a 4 years break post my marriage because I was forced to give up my career post marriage. When I came back and started finding a foothold back in the professional sphere, I could see all my peers surging way ahead of me. A very important lesson that I learnt was not to compare my career progression with theirs. I realized that I would never be ever satisfied with what I have, in career as well as in life in general, if I keep comparing what I had with what my peers had. I learnt to be thankful and grateful for what I had rather than crib about what I didn’t have. I found a job and was getting to do the kind of work I loved to do. I had a beautiful daughter who brightened my day every day and made me ever so proud to be her mother. I had a lovely family that stood by me like a rock throughout. I was alive, I was well and I was happier than I was when I was married. What more to ask really?
