Raising our sons in the age of Feminism!

We talk about women empowerment but we only address one half of the equation. When we teach our daughters to conquer the world, why don’t we teach our sons that it is okay to be a stay-at-home father, to cook or to express emotions?

For at least a generation now – especially in urban India and educated middle-class families – we have raised our girls to be confident and fight for their rights. But we seem to have ignored an entire generation of boys who were not told anything about how their sisters were changing. While we gave our daughters new ideals and role models, no one bothered to tell their brothers that they ought to change too!

Girls drive two-wheelers and cars. It is considered an essential life skill. You can often hear dads proudly proclaiming that their daughters can drive very well indeed and they don’t need a father/husband/brother to take them anywhere.

Source: Google Image Search

However, boys were never taught that cooking is an essential life skill. You don’t see parents proudly saying that their son can cook and doesn’t need a mother/wife/sister to feed him (and keep him alive!).

We don’t tell our sons that it is okay for them to be paid less than their wives or stay at home to take care of the kids while their spouses continue to work.

Men want to marry a working woman (in theory) but are completely unprepared for the practical reality of a marriage where both partners work. It means doing the dishes or supervising the maid when your wife has a report to complete, it means taking half the day off to take care of your sick son because your wife has an important presentation. It may even mean giving up a promotion or moving to a new city for your spouse’s career.

Because we don’t tell our sons all this, they continue to expect that their wife will automatically give up the job/promotion/transfer in favour of the family whereas they will never have to take a step back from their own careers.

Boys are still raised the way they were for the last many generations.

Women are upset that dinner – and the house, kids, in-laws, maid – is still their responsibility while the men don’t know what they did wrong. After all, they ‘allow’ their wives to work, what more do they want?

Let us not only empower women, but also prepare men to set their expectations right.

Source: Received on WhatsApp as a forwarded message but it, word-to-word, resonates with me and confirms to my belief about how we should be bringing up our kids. I probably could not have framed this better.

Stereotyping on one hand and outrageously outspoken on the other

Yesterday was International Women's day and there were just as many posts about women still being unsafe and stereotyped as there were wishes and stories about courageous women. To be honest, I am not a very big fan of this day... And not because this day has become as much a marketing gimmick as Valentine's Day or Mother's Day, but because most people, especially women expect to be pampered with gifts and being made to feel extra-special with chocolates and flowers. However, my opinion about this day is slightly different. In my opinion, we should be talking about gender equality on this day and not superiority of females over males. We should not propogate "role reversals", rather "partnerships". If one day we believe we have achieved this balance in humanity and we do not need to celebrate this day any more, believe me all women like me would be very happy to forgo all the pampering, flowers and chocolates. 

Source: Google Image Search

However, my post today is not about how and why this day should be celebrated. Actually, since last few days, my mind has been occupied with a very different yet serious thought. It is about how we women ourselves are harming our fight for equality either by stereotyping ourselves and our own gender (and thereby being part of the patriarchy), or by absolute reverse and being brazenly and outrageously outspoken to the extent of being offensive ourselves (by being pseudo-liberal feminazi). Two very different incidents come to my mind.

One of these years, as a women's day feature, my company's HR's CSR wing wanted to add my interview to our monthly newsletter. And after asking some generic questions, they switched to questions like how do I balance work and family. I refused to answer the question and instead I counter-questioned whether they ask the same questions to my male colleagues. They obviously didn't so I told them that I will answer all such questions when they start asking my male colleagues the same questions. Family and kids is not just a woman's responsibility. But what was hurting was that the interview questions had been drafted by a woman. Needless to say, I didn't make it to the newsletter. After all, isn't it what the normal people at the ground level want to hear from the senior management? Another colleague of mine made the cut as the "ideal inspirational woman" as she talked about how she devotes her weekends to her family and also manages to spend "quality time" with her son after office. She bragged about cooking her son's favourite dinner despite having a househelp and how she had never missed a single PTM or a sports tournament of her son. In short, she gave them exactly the masala they were looking for. Doesn't this sound familiar? Isn't it what is expected from every Indian working woman? But wait, she wasn't even Indian. She was a European expat. So, doesn't that mean that the expectations from women are the same everywhere? In fact, we see it everywhere... Indra Nooyi, Marissa Mayer, Sheryl Sandberg... Any woman leader, any women's forum... They all at some point or the other end up answering the same cliched questions. And it's disappointing to the core.

And then when you question such stereotypes, you are termed as a rebel or a feminist. In fact, not just a feminist, but as a feminazi, which is a newly coined term for male-bashing bra burning female fraternity. And that's where the problem lies. Some of us, take it too far. Feminism is not about hatred for the male gender. It is about the philosophy that the female gender is equal to the male gender. But, there being a women's brigade, who like to prove themselves "liberated", start with male bashing and the fight for equality takes a back seat. That brings me to the second incident which has been occupying my mind.

On my offsite recently, at night after wrapping up the day's work, there was some entertainment organized for the people. There was a DJ or a Live Band and there was an open bar. Now those accustomed to the modern corporate culture will know that it was no big deal; just as they will also know how people just fill themselves up with alcohol when the free flowing booze is on the house. So, there were all these people including girls who were drinking. And the conversation was actually disturbing. Before I even tell what happened, I want to make a clarification. Please don't get me wrong, I am not judging and will never judge women for drinking. But I also believe that people - both men and women - are responsible for how they behave whether they are drunk or not.  

So, this is what happened. After the live band ended and a round of singing without music also came to an end, everyone just got into the mode of reading shayaris. Whatsapp messages with shayaris were opened and even Gulzar's Shayari on Twitter came to the fore. There was, however, this one guy who was interjecting everything anyone was reading so much so that it became irritating. And although everyone was feeling annoyed, these two ladies, Sonia* and Gunjan* decided to take matters in their own hands and shut him up. So, Sonia says loud enough to resonate in the huge hotel Ball room, "Tu abhi ke abhi chup ho jaa nahin to main yahin tera Rape kar doongi. (You shut up just now or I will Rape you right here.)" I cringed but everyone else laughed. He still did not stop and then Gunjan stepped up and said, "Sonia, aaj isne tere se Rape karvana hi hai. (Sonia, he will make you Rape him today for sure.)" And again everyone is laughing. He still didn't stop. Then Sonia takes the matter in her hand again and says, "Aaj toh iska Gangrape hoga. Jab char jane ispe tootenge tab isko pata chalega. (Today he will be Gangraped. When four people will pounce on him, then he will realize.)" Moreover, she started taking names of the guys, "Gautam* tu sabse aage rahiyo and Amit* tu bhi isko mat chhodiyo. (Gautam, you stay at the forefront and Amit, you also don't spare him.)" And all this while, the entire audience was laughing out loud and making fun of this guy who was being trolled. It was like I was the only person who felt it was disgusting. And one of the two ladies who were joking like this, Gunjan, happens to be the chairperson of the 'Prevention against sexual harassment committee' in our company. I was shocked at how easily something as grave as Rape was trivialized by educated people, including women. I thought about voicing my opinion but I realized there was no point, everyone was drunk and in the end alcohol would be blamed. Now, I regret not speaking up then as it continues to disturb me even after a week. 

My own attitude of remaining silent - and I am not proud of it - highlighted another important aspect. We, women, have gotten used to being subdued both against patriarchy as well as feminazi. We women have gotten used to everything we are subjected to and accept it. So, as Holi is round the corner, a friend brought to my notice how women's only Whatsapp groups are circulating "jokes" about buying bras with thorns to escape groping on Holi. The irony is that the group members are finding it funny. And here I am having a conversation with my 10-year old daughter reminding her of 'Good-touch-bad-touch' as she preps up for playing Holi with her friends in the Society Park. And it's just plain sad.

* names changed.

Notes: 

1. I have previously written about my opinion on International Women's Day. You may read the same here.

2. I have also previously written about my opinion on trivializing rape. You may read the same here.