Sorry, but Ravan was a sexual predator!

Every time around Dussehra, it has become a routine since last few years now. There are social media posts about how what Ravan did to Sita was not "as offensive as it is deemed to be". Many of these posts are forwarded messages with anonymous authors and I will not get into the discussion about who is spreading them (honestly, I know where that discussion would go). But basically many ladies of the current generation are also sharing these same messages and talking about it. And that's where my main concern is that how can a woman be okay with what Ravan did to Sita. 

Ravi Verma's Ravana Sita and Jatayu

The messages say how Ravan really gave Sita more respect as compared to Ram. He never touched her without her consent and on the other hand Ram made her go through Agni pariksha to prove her "purity". Maybe it's just a fad or a supposed demonstration of how intellectual, liberal thinking you are that you are questioning your own scriptures and rituals, or maybe your ideas of Feminism include putting down Ram for questioning his wife's purity by showing his arch enemy as a better human being than him; but even in modern day and context, Ravan's actions are totally unpardonable. 

I myself have often questioned about many of Ram's actions and the way he and others treated Sita and ladies in general and have openly expressed how the scriptures are not in alignment with the ideas of feminism. So, I guess that should prove that I am not saying and writing this just because I am a Hindu and I-will-support-my-Hindu-scriptures-to-death kind of syndrome. 

However, preaching greatness of Ravan because of how he "treated Sita with respect and didn't touch her without her wishes" is totally out of tune with the ideas of feminism and of basic humanity even. That's incomplete knowledge of the scripture too. The scripture explains how Ravan had once raped an "Apsara" and had been given a curse that if he ever touched another woman without her consent, his head will blow up. He did not touch Sita because he feared for his life. Rest, he did everything unacceptable and he tortured her to coerce her in many ways. The female guards ensured Sita was bound to a place and were always taunting and mentally harassing her. She was put in a garden and her movement were restrained. She was pressurised every single day to give in and marry him (symbolic of consent). 

Please put yourself in Sita's shoes and think whether in that situation day after day, you will feel respected or humiliated and abused. Kidnapped, kept isolated, locked (in a garden but still contained) and constantly being pressurised to marry someone she did not want to marry. How is that the idea of treating someone with respect? The people who think so need to understand that this is just another way of saying "boys will be boys... He liked her so he did all that stuff but hey, he didn't rape her, did he?" 

Maybe the whole narrative is about changing the perspective about questioning Ram for asking Sita to prove her purity but then the same cannot be highlighted by justifying the acts of Ravan. Both acts were questionable and Ravan's acts deserved punishment too. The posts always mention that Ravan was such a learned man and yet all his wisdom and knowledge did not serve any useful purpose when it came to Sita.

Tom Hiddleston and Shakespeare's Coriolanus

I am not much into plays and can at max boast of having watched Zangoora thrice and a small scale student led Comedy play once. That's all!

But then I wouldn't miss a chance to watch Tom Hiddleston on stage now, would I? National Theater UK is broadcasting it's most popular plays on YouTube. They are free for all to view for a week. I came to know that Coriolanus would be one of them and I managed to catch up the play online late night on Wednesday.

I don't know much about plays; nor have I read the original Coriolanus (I've only read a summary). So, this is not really a review. But, there are a few things that I liked which I would love to explain. First and foremost, I had expected a play being shown on National Theater to be grand in terms of sets, costumes, props etc. After all, National Theater is one of the United Kingdom's three most prominent publicly funded performing arts venues, alongside the Royal Shakespeare Company and the Royal Opera House. It is actually known as the National Theatre of Great Britain or the Royal National Theater. But Coriolanus had none of that. The stage too was fairly small in size. The lighting was dark (and very apt for the play); the costumes were all in the shades of browns, greys and black and looked nothing like Roman and were probably the individual personal belongings of the actors; and the only props/furniture used were basic wooden chairs and a ladder. In fact, the space was so ingeniously used that the small stage looked big enough for all characters to fit in. Not just that, the lead starcast and all the well-known actors were moving around the props themselves (well, all except Tom Hiddleston).

I read somewhere that the written play describes the war in fair detail. Here in stage production, although the play very smartly tackled the part where Caius Martius single-handedly conquered the city of Corioli (thus earning the name Coriolanus); but it does away with the elaborate war scenes which for some people might have been a dampener. This ensured a smaller cast too. Also, a smaller cast meant that even the plebiscite uprising was just shown as indistinct chatter. Now, as I mentioned, I have not read the original play, so I didn't miss these things in the first place. But, I was impressed with the way a lot of symbolism was used here. Caius Martius climbing a ladder as he entered Corioli was a sign of him rising to the challenge even while all others held back. Torn red ballots signifying people's shattered trust in him. The graffiti-sprayed walls demanding: "Grain at our own price." signify discontent of the Roman people. Coriolanus first kneels in obeisance to his mother and later watches her bend a suppliant knee to him; which to me signified a change of tide.

Coming to the actors, I obviously watched the play for Tom Hiddleston who I have loved since The Night Manager and whose love for Shakespeare is just so well-known. He makes a fine Coriolanus. Whether Coriolanus was a "tragic hero" or not is in itself debatable, but Tom Hiddleston brings out the nuances of a character who is raised to be a patriotic hero amply guided by his mother's hero worshiping. He, at the same time, detests the plebiscites and the common people because they contribute nothing to the war (another symbol of one's pride and allegiance towards one's nation) and still demand grains as their right. He also feels cheated because despite heeding to his unwilling attempts to appease the people, he is banished. I particularly loved him in the climax where he cries after listening to his mother pleading him not to destroy Rome. I could actually see tears run down his face... Like really flow down and him having to wipe his nose to stop them. It was a long act and it's not like in the middle of the scene he went backstage to apply glycerin or anything; so they have got to be real tears. It's mind-blowing how an actor can do that at will. Not just that, Tom Hiddleston was hanging upside down being tied to a chain on one foot. I think that's also not something that is easy to do on a stage in front of a live audience.

Among other actors, I enjoyed the performances of Mark Gatiss as Menenius, the "humorous patrician" and Deborah Findlay as Volumnia, Coriolanus' mother.

And last but not least, I write this only because a friend asked me to confirm this... Tom Hiddleston does go topless and under a shower on live stage. It wasn't very much sensual (he was supposed to be injured and in pain), but he did. 

Earth Day 2020 - Let the Earth heal!

Image source: Google Image Search

One thing is certain... The nature heals itself. A few weeks of lockdown and the earth is returning back to its old glory light-speed. People have seen and they are posting pics of clear blue skies during the day and sparkling stars during the night. A few nights ago, I and my teenage daughters stood outside watching constellations in the sky. She confessed that she was seeing the Orion, the most easily spotted constellation for the first time in her life... FOR THE FIRST TIME... It struck me because it was a very common passtime for us as kids to stand on the terrace and watch constellations and joke how an Orion could even be imagined as a hunter. But a teenager today was able to spot it for the first time. She had never seen the pole star so bright, something we couldn't even dismiss as a kid.

And why just the sky? We are receiving beautiful pics of clean rivers like Ganga and Yamuna; of clean Venice Canals; of Dolphins visible near Italian beeches; of beautiful clean waters near Goan beeches. We see all kinds of birds chirping in our gardens now, thriving among empty parks and open spaces. And today it has been just one month of closure of factories. The air quality had jumped 4 levels on the index within the first week itself, from "Very Unhealthy" (scale 5 out of 6 levels) to "Moderate" (scale 2 out of 6 levels). One can feel the difference when they breathe out in the open already.

The truth is that no matter how many environment friendly policies we make; how many vehicle emission standards we draft; we will never be able to fully heal the environment unless we give up our selfish economic motifs. The governments of the nations are drafting "Sustainable Development Goals" - which includes goals around climate and environment among others - with a deadline of year 2030 which, going by the current progress, most countries are likely to miss or achieve only on papers; led by some of the most developed nations. And yet we now know that we may not even need the governments to draft special policies to save the environment, to clean the rivers or reduce pollution. We just need to leave the environment alone for a few weeks at a stretch and halt our economic activities during this time to help it revive.

But then I am reminded of the movement carried out by Greta Thunberg who rightly claims that the selfish economic gains of humans are killing the environment. And the leaders are only supporting them with their policies. Today, on "Earth Day", I wonder whether the world leaders will ever have the guts to decide that every year for few weeks, we will chuck all economic and financial motifs and move into complete lockdown, not to counter some virus, but rather to let earth rest, heal and revive. Maybe not, but if only!

Waiting for the day Ashtami Puja becomes irrelevant for Girls

I have been born into a family of three sisters and no brother. The next generation till now has two girls and a boy. My family has been worshipping Maa Durga since many generations. Needless to say, Navratras were one of the most awaited festivals and culminating into Ashtami which was celebrated with much happiness.

Our family has been unique when it comes to Ashtami celebration. First, it is only restricted to kids in the family and we do not gather little girls from all over for the puja. Second, just like we treat our girls equal to boys on normal days, we treat our boys equal to girls on Ashtami (Kanya Pujan) days. So, my nephew gets to sit in the puja in the same manner and gets the same gifts and money as my daughter and my niece. Third, the girls sit in the puja irrespective of their age (and after attaining puberty too) well until they get married. Last, we share poori-halwa-chhole prasad with some families in the neighbourhood irrespective of whether the families have young girls or not.

Image source: Google search (jagran.com)

Until much later in my teenage years, this was normal for me and only after I grew up did I realise how different this was from the norm. For us, Ashtami Puja had always been for the "kids of the family" and never for the "girls". By that age, I was already into a phase getting prepped to become a staunch feminist. My first Ashtami Puja at my marital home was a depressor. I had been subjected for 6 months to an ashirwad of giving birth to a son and then on the day of Ashtami, my then MIL had sent my then husband looking for small girls to sit in the puja. My now ex-in-laws were openly and vocally upset about me giving birth to a daughter (and the irony was that she was born during Navratras) and six months later on Ashtami day they suddenly relegated her to the status of Lakshmi of the house and worshipped her. My heart was filled with more contempt that day than on the days they would curse me for not bearing a son.

It hurts me to see that the girls are condemned on everyday and on Ashtami, they are celebrated. Although I still try to celebrate this festival with just as much cheer as I did as a child, but every time in Navratras, these thoughts keep circling around my head. I see happy girls in the neighbourhood and I can make out that they are enjoying being centre of attraction for a change. And then maybe one day when the grow up, they will realise what a sham it all is.

The day Ashtami becomes an irrelevant festival for girls because they start getting valued even on normal days will be the day the feminist in me would smile brighter.

The Women's Day gimmick again

I have time and again said this, written about this and repeated about this. I am not a big fan of the Women's Day, at least not in the shape and form it is celebrated at present.

This day, the International Women's Day, was marked to honour the struggle of the ladies who have fought for and are still fighting for the rights of the women... The right to equality, the right to basic human rights and the right to respect. It is a big blow to the movement that such an important day has been relegated to a marketing gimmick.

We don't need free gifts, discounts and special treatments on this one day. We need right to be able to earn our livings without being dependent on others (no free things), equal treatment in all aspects of life (no discounts) and equal respect all the year round, every day. Unless that happens, please spare me the celebrations.

#BasItniSiBaat – Thappad Movie Review and Why You Need To See This Movie

Last evening, I and my family saw the movie Thappad. Although, there has been a consistent flow of good movies off late, but I would say that Thappad is one of the finest ones which have come out recently. 

Image courtesy: Google Search / Pinterest

Let’s first get the cliched movie review out of the way so that I can come to what I actually want to say about the movie here. The movie was very relatable as the characters were very normal, flawed and much like people we come across everyday of our lives. The situations and set-ups were all common middle-class people related in any metro city. Tapsee Pannu was brilliant as an educated modern day “housewife-by-choice” and debutant Pavail Gulati as her career-obsessed professional husband was a total natural. Neither of these characters were easy to play and could have easily become stereotypes (positive and negative) but hats off to the director who reins in their brilliant performances without letting the drama become over the top. All supporting characters are acknowledged good actors and they all played their parts perfectly. I especially loved Kumud Mishra’s character as a very supportive father. There are no uncomfortable fights or nasty court battles depicted between the lead couple so even young couples can see the movie together without feeling awkward. Overall the movie holds your attention throughout the two and a half hours runtime despite not being very fast paced. Tears and choking are not ruled out especially when you can relate to the characters at a personal level, which I am sure many people would be able to do, especially women and I hope many men. 

The movie is a must watch but for more reasons than the brilliant performances that I have mentioned above. This actually brings me to what I really want to say about the movie and why I feel everyone – both women and men and even couples together preferably – should see the movie. As per me, the movie subtly and brilliantly highlights the following issues in the society nowadays (in case you don’t want spoilers ahead, please restrict yourself to the titles and feel free to come back and read the list below again after you have watched the movie): 

1. Even one thoughtless act of aggression is Domestic Violence – This needs no explanation as this is what the whole movie is about. Even if you have just watched the trailer, you would know that this is what the movie talks about. Vikram hits his wife Ammu only once, in a fit of rage directed towards someone else and not Ammu. This makes her question her own self-worth and the respect that she is given in the relationship. This is exactly why all the people who had watched Kabir Singh should watch Thappad now to understand why Kabir Singh as a movie was problematic. There is even a direct scathing attack in this movie about Kabir Singh. Vikram’s side-kick says in the movie that if you really love someone “toh thodi bahut maar-peet toh hoti hai, uske bina pyar ka kya matlab hai?” which is exactly what the director of Kabir Singh, Sandeep Reddy Vanga, had said in order to justify the male protagonist’s violent behaviour towards the female protagonist. Even legally, even one single act of aggression whatever the cause and rather even mental torture is counted as Domestic Violence. This aspect is beautifully explained in this movie. It’s just one slap but “nahin maar sakta”.
2. Gaslighting women is just so common in families – There are many instances of gaslighting women depicted in this movie. They are as real as it gets because almost all women have experienced these taunts, every once in a while, in their relationship. While Nethra’s relationship with her husband Rohit is all about gaslighting, there are many other instances shown. The one that stands out is when Tapsee asks Pavail whether she should learn driving, he retorts, “Pehle Paranthe toh theek se banana seekh lo, fir driving ki baat karna.” Ouch! That hurts, isn’t it? 
3. Professional successful women are always looked at suspiciously – One small piece in the movie irked me. It was a scene where Tapsee and Pavail always meet and greet their next-door neighbour Dia Mirza who leaves for work the same time as Pavail. Dia is shown to be a professional (details not known) who is also a single parent after her husband, whom she loved a lot, expired. In this particular scene, Pavail is getting into his car, a grand Audi SUV, while Tapsee is handing over his stuff (wallet, thermos, lunch pack, etc.) to him and at the same time Dia comes out, wishes them good morning and gets into her car, also a similarly grand Audi, and leaves. At that moment, Pavail remarks, “Isne fir nayi car le li? Yeh aisa kya karti hai?” (Oh yeah, I too felt like banging his head to the car bonnet.) That’s when Tapsee replies, “HARD WORK!” But this scenario is just too common isn’t it? If a woman, especially when she is single (but it’s not like married women are spared), is successful, the success is always attributed to factors other than hard work, intelligence, skill, capability, leadership qualities, etc. It’s like men just cannot fathom that a woman can be equally capable and deserving of success like them. 
4. Divorces in India get really messy – This is a known fact even without the movie highlighting it. That is also the reason many women continue to be in unhappy and/or abusive marriages. Even when they try to play fair, the men just try to get into nasty stuff to try to intimidate them and put them down. I have seen enough divorce cases to mention that it would be the case in almost all cases (To be fair, even women use these tactics sometimes on their own and at other times on the assumption that the other side will anyway be stooping down to these levels.) Here too there are allegations of jealousy, money-mindedness, greed, etc. and how to forget the husband tries to gain full custody of his unborn child by offering monetary perks (much like his idea of pacifying his wife’s anger). 
5. Housewives rarely get appreciation for their hard work – Tapsee is shown to be a very efficient housewife whose whole life revolves around her home. Her day starts at 6 am and ends much later than Pavail’s. However, the only thing that Pavail highlights is that she cannot cook well, or as well as his mom. If there is anything not working at home, then it’s his wife’s problem and his wife’s fault. Even when she leaves and his house is turned upside down largely because of his own incompetence to manage and maintain it, he is not ready to appreciate what Tapsee brought to the table as a homemaker. His mom suffers a medical emergency because he cannot keep track of her BP the way Tapsee did and in his petition he blamed Tapsee for the medical situation alleging that it was because of the stress caused by her irrational behaviour that his mom suffered. 
6. Men and apology often don’t go hand-in-hand because their upbringing makes them egoistical – Throughout the movie until the very last scene, Vikram doesn’t apologise to Amrita even once for hitting her. Not a sorry… NOT EVEN ONCE. He is providing all kinds of justification about how he suffered a setback in his career, how his boss played unfair to him, he had received a phone call that had upset him, he was angry, he was drunk, whatever. He is cuddling and saying “I love You” to a visibly upset and unresponsive Amrita, and he is buying a diamond bracelet but never offered an apology. And this is so often the case in many couple relationships that men find it difficult to say sorry for their mistakes. They feel insecure about losing their dominating position by admitting that they made a mistake and a large part of it is because they have grown up to larger than life male figures in their families and previous generation where the impression created is whatever men do is acceptable and correct. 
7. Narcissists always make things about themselves and shift the onus of guilt on the other person – Vikram is clearly a narcissist. Throughout the movie, the whole relationship is about him. How his career is important, how dare his bosses play unfair, how his targets are achieved so it’s a good year. Every single time, Amrita tried to put her point forth, Vikram and his “I, me and myself ramblings” start. And everything wrong happening in his life is because of Amrita. Amrita is responsible for escalating this issue and taking it outside the four walls. Amrita has made his life hell because she is not anymore doing everything, she used to do for him, and he must fend for himself. Amrita is the reason for his mom’s sickness. The list goes on. 
8. When your family has your back, you can fight any battles – I have already mentioned that my favourite character in the movie is Amrita’s father played by Kumud Mishra. It so reminds me how my Mom and Dad stood by me. He doesn’t leave Amrita’s side even for a second. Even if Amrita’s mom may sway under societal pressures for once, he always has her back. Even if every person in the world was telling Amrita to compromise and go back (including her own mom initially, her brother, and her hot-shot lawyer who was also a woman’s rights activist); her father told her that what she is doing is right if her heart says it’s right. The truth is that your in-laws no matter how much they love you; they never will stand up for you. That takes me to Amrita’s monologue of how no one ever told Vikram that he was wrong and that no one ever asked her whether she was okay. It was only her parents who stood behind her like a rock and because of whom she could confidently take a decision to opt for divorce even though she didn’t have a financial independence and foothold at the moment. This trust is the most important thing in the world and believe you me, you can fight any battle with that support. I would know because I have been in the same position as Amrita.

Make-up for kids... Like, really?

It’s wedding season and there’s a thought that has been going on in my head. My sister got married just over a year ago. It was one of the biggest occasions we had in our family in the recent past and the biggest that my daughter, now thirteen years old, has had in her living memory as she was too young to remember my other sister’s wedding. Our preparations as far as she was concerned went only to the extent of deciding dresses and footwear (flats and although she bought her first kitten heels for the D-day, she couldn’t wear it for over half an hour and shifted to flats). There was nothing else that we had to discuss or arrange for her. Our own preparations were more elaborate. It additionally included arranging a make-up artist (MUA) for us. 

Now, that was because it was my own sister’s wedding. Otherwise, I am the kind of woman who never opts for professional make-up or hairstyling on any other occasion – be it any close wedding or any random party. Money factor is not even a consideration because I simply do not have the time, energy and inclination to go to a professional to get ready. Similarly, the only time my daughter had her hair done by a professional was during my sister’s wedding and that too only braids (due to the fact that I myself am totally pathetic with those) sans any spray or serum. I just wouldn’t let the MUA use any chemicals on her hair. That is all the exposure my daughter has had to professional make-up till date. 

But when I go to weddings nowadays, I am surprised to note that my daughter is usually the odd one out in kids. Kids as young as 2 or 3 year olds there are running around with hairstyles made by professional MUAs and often with make-ups like eye-shadows and lip-colours. My niece got married about 10 days back and I couldn’t see a single child on her own feet, no matter how old, not made-up. And I kind of find it sad because all said and done, these cosmetics not only harm their gentle skins but otherwise as well we are tuning the minds of our girls to fake standards of beauty as well as vanity. This in my eyes is a bigger sin than even ruining their complexions. 

This had been on my mind for a few days until yesterday when I was just whiling away my time by surfing through flash news from Entertainment Industry. I came across Vogue Magazine articles sharing pics of all celebrities who attended Armaan Jain - Anissa Malhotra wedding – the “who wore what” kind of news articles. I was mindlessly just skimming through without even focussing on any celebrity or least of all on the names of all the famous designers whose clothes they wore. That was until I came across pics of Karisma Kapoor with her daughter. What caught my eye was Samiera Kapoor, aged 14, a young girl belonging to one of the most fashion-conscious families in India was totally sans any make-up and hadn’t even got her hair done. A teenager belonging to a family of actors, who herself is most likely to become an actor someday, was wearing designer dresses but no cosmetics. I was like “Wow! This is so unexpected.” Indeed, this was a surprisingly unanticipated but still a refreshing change for me. The same was the case with Aaradhya Bachchan, the daughter of Abhishek and Aishwarya Bachchan, but then the argument in her favour is that she is only 8 years old. But even in her case, she is an example to be emulated by the parents of the 2 year olds with fancy buns and red lips running around wearing diapers under their lehengas at sundry weddings. 

I hope parents of little girls make note and follow suit. We are in an age where we want to teach our girls (and even boys) that their physical attributes should not determine their worth and that they are beautiful just as they are. But then we cannot preach what we don’t practice.

Image courtesy: Google search