Women's Day

Some thoughts on Pulwama

I was in Prague when Pulwama happened. I was in whole day long workshops and was generally cut-off from all contacts except during short coffee breaks between sessions when I would get to check my phone. It was a sudden spurge of WhatsApp messages on our soldiers that actually made me sit up; with my heart beating faster wondering what had happened in India. In the middle of one of the sessions, totally unable to pay any attention, I did a frantic google search on the day's news when I read about the dastardly attack and the 42 brave lives lost. The news felt like someone had punched me in the gut and I couldn't share it with anyone as all my colleagues in the workshops were Europeans, Russians, Americans and South-East Asians. Nobody would understand.

Brave lives lost (Image source: Google image search)

I mentioned it to my team while on dinner table and they just looked somberly at me and asked, "Oh, someone related to you was also involved?" How do I tell them that they were all related to me... Maybe not by blood or even by acquaintance; but by their love and their sacrifice for our country. They did not understand the weight of being obliged by care and security shown by a stranger. Because then they are not strangers anymore. They are related to you. Yeah, they did not understand. All of the people involved were related to me. Their families were related to me.

Another thing that dawned on me was that the citizens of these countries will never understand the pride of devoting one's life to their motherland. None of their countries had a "voluntary army" i.e. being in army was not a profession. Everyone had to mandatorily serve in the army for 1 or 2 years. That was what their army was comprised of. It was comprised of people fulfilling their compulsion. It was not comprised of people driven by passion and "jazba" to serve their motherland. It was not comprised of people who choose army as a way of life because they love their country. These people will never understand.

They discussed about the futility of war. It was a normal dinner table discussion for them. They told me that they were aware how "India and Pakistan were at war". They wondered why people chose war. But then they don't understand that we did not choose this war. And I hope we never choose a war, no matter how much anger we see around in people. I hope we choose to understand that war and terrorism are two different things and war is no solution to the problem of terrorism.

I do stand in solidarity with the soldiers and their families and I participate in the grief. I am also angry like most Indians but I do not support the call for going to war. Let's leave it to the people who know best and who are impacted the most too.

The 90s songs

Image source: Google search

Two days ago, I made my second playlist on Amazon music. This one mostly consists of all those 90s English songs that I so used to love during my teenage. I have been listening to them since then and I have mixed thoughts about them.

• Some I wonder now how I could be so stupid to love something as bad as that. Bad and sometimes dumb!! I can’t stand a few of those songs any more. An example could be Britney Spears suddenly sounding hoarse and her voice so harsh now. The songs simply seem to be missing any melody.
• Most songs are still enjoyable though more of bubblegum pop and if I wouldn’t be driving while listening, I probably would even groove a bit to them. All the Backstreet Boys and Westlife they remind me of the sweet moments and how they used to be all pure fun. All of us girls in school were just all into it.
• Some are pure rock and party songs and remind me of our school Christmas Parties. They take me back to how we would tire ourselves out that one day in school dancing to these songs. If it’s “We will rock you”, we will all shout and scream and move to the beat. But dare the DJ play something that wasn’t welcome. Boos and shaking hands telling him that this is not acceptable is all he would get.
• Some songs were our school assembly favourites and are just pretty big on reminding me of those days when we would skip studies and practice all day for the assembly. The fights, the non-stop chatters and the friendships. And then we would all croon “Heal the world”, “We are the world” and “Seasons in the Sun”.
• Last but not least, some are still pure romance and just simply touch my heart even today. How does one even get over Celine Dion’s “Because you loved me”, Bryan Adam’s “Everything I do” and Ronan Keating’s “Words”.

I have been away from English music for years… Even decades. And now I sometimes listen to (actually more like forced to listen to) the songs chosen by my daughter. Some are nice but most don’t stand a chance in front of these melodies.

Simple Joys of Life

Simple things bring joy to our everyday life. A piece of chocolate shared with you by your child is the sweetest. The smell of petrichor in the morning after a rain soaked night is the most uplifting. A combo of a book and a blanket is unbeatable in winters. A cup of coffee and meaningless chatter with your colleague during fifteen minutes stolen from your working hours are the highlight of your day. Finding a Rs. 500 banknote in your jeans pocket which had been completely forgotten since the last time you wore it makes you suddenly feel rich. Making a brief eye contact with someone of the opposite sex, even a stranger, in a way that seems to communicate a subtle curiosity at the other end makes you feel the most attractive person on the earth. Blazing through the yellow light you glance in your rear-view to see all the cars behind you stopping at the red light suddenly makes you feel victorious. Seeing a friend trip and stumble around momentarily before regaining his/her footing, then swiftly attempting to play it off like nothing happened can be the most hilarious sight if the moment is right. Finding a parking lot right in front of the store you want to visit makes you believe that it’s your lucky day. Spreading out on fresh clean bed-sheets makes you feel relaxed all of a sudden. Reminiscing about old times with your closest friends makes you feel like a child all over again. Receiving an unexpected compliment can suddenly make your day a whole lot better. Finishing up something that had kept you busy for days feels like a sense of accomplishment. And then nothing ever beats hearing the right song at the right moment. It simply lifts your spirits immediately.

Simple joys of life… Sometimes we need to take time out and appreciate them too.

And the men we SHOULDN'T love!

In continuation with the list of romantic literary heroes that I shared the day before, I also want to list down a few which feature time and again in the articles about most loved male protagonists in literature but which for some reason are NOT my favourites. But to maintain parity with the previous article, I would stick to the most loved characters written by female authors: 

1. Howard Roark – The Fountainhead by Ayn Rand

Without any reference to the debate surrounding hypocrisy in Ayn Rand’s writing, Howard Roark from The Fountainhead, her most famous and most loved character, is an amalgamation of contrasts. To call him polarizing is the understatement of the century. Most people credit him with having a boatload of artistic talent, but he could be as much of a sinister dirtbag as he could be an enigmatic charmer. Roark is fiercely independent. He believes in the merit of his revolutionary designs and has the courage to stand for them in the face of an antagonistic society. He is presented as the author's version of an ideal man. Roark is the antithesis of contemporary belief that an individual is molded by social forces. He is not the product of his upbringing, his economic class, his family, his religious training, or his social background. He is a product of the choices he has made. Roark is an example of free will — the theory that an individual has the power, by virtue of the choices he makes, to control the outcome of his own life. A man's thinking and values are not controlled by God or the fates or society or any external factor — but solely by his own choice. Others (like Keating) may choose to submit, but Roark will not. He is his own man. And all this sounds so foolishly attractive when he is portrayed as the perfect man – strong, bold, and confident and someone with a very high sense of integrity. But one cannot deny that Roark is a selfish man. He is true to his values, to his convictions, to his thinking, to his mind, to his self – and only to himself. He is an individualist and someone essentially born into the role of explosives-wielding freethinker. But even if all this is acceptable, there is one big flaw in his character that will never allow me to succumb to his charms. He forcibly enters Dominique’s room and rapes her. Whatever way it was projected in the book, at the end of the day, he is a RAPIST. Period. 

2. Mr. Rochester – Jane Eyre by Charlotte Brontë 

Image source: Google search

Mr. Rochester in “Jane Eyre” is a stern-featured, heavy-browed, craggy-faced, rude, abrupt, horny man always on the edge of violence who likes to order people around and keeps his wife locked in the attic. In fact, he is a character closest to the Beast in “Beauty and the Beast” and yet he is far worse than the Beast. Unlike Beast, who had a soft heart inside, Mr. Rochester is a typical Byronic hero, moody, arrogant, cynical and jaded, and like all Byronic heros he is attracted by Jane's innocence, her chastity. But he is also clinically mad, a manic depressive, living in an unreal world, understandably perhaps, he cannot deal with the reality of his own situation. It is undeniable that he seduces and seeks to deceive Jane by effectively making Jane his mistress. He is the opposite of Jane. She is easily deceived because she is incredibly naïve and innocent, and alone, she has no one to turn to for advice, Mrs Fairfax herself admits to finding Rochester an enigma and so would offer little help. He is the first of the opposite sex, unmarried (as Jane believes) to look on Jane kindly, to smile, to talk to her as an equal (when in fact Rochester knows full well that he is taking advantage of her position and character, abusing his position as her employee). In fact in today’s terms he is grooming Jane for sexual conquest. Byronic heroes are sexual predators, 'mad, bad and dangerous to know'. Particularly, chaste, married, or otherwise 'unavailable', women are regarded as a challenge, as legitimate targets to be seduced and then left. 

3. Henry DeTamble – The Time Traveler’s Wife by Audrey Niffenegger

In various passages in “The Times Traveler's Wife”, Henry explains that the inevitable cause of his time travels is stress. He has zero tolerance for stress. And, boy, Henry is stressed out by a lot: by watching TV, by loud noises, by blinding lights, by drinking too much, by getting married, by having kids, by conflict… He only relaxes during sex. So the big question here is, are Henry’s disappearing acts actually a male conspiracy to have an excuse to leave marital responsibilities behind and just go out womanizing, drinking, getting high, causing trouble – living the bachelor life. Because that's pretty much what Henry does with his time away from Clare. Also interesting is that right after he meets Clare in the present – unmarried, no children, and no responsibilities – Clare remarks to Henry that he hasn't been traveling much which is kind of suspicious. And then there's the whole "I need more sex to stay in the present" thing. So maybe “The Times” is right. Maybe Henry is just a big flake. A coward who can't handle life and so keeps slipping through its cracks. What an unreliable jerk! 

4. Heathcliff – Wuthering Heights by Emily Brontë

Forget most of the romantic nonsense you have heard about Heathcliff from “Wuthering Heights”. Sure he's in love with Catherine, and you can't question his loyalty, but he has a serious mean streak. To put it bluntly: he acts like a sociopath. Traditionally, romance novel heroes appear dangerous, brooding, and cold at first, only later to emerge as fiercely devoted and loving. One hundred years before Emily Brontë wrote Wuthering Heights, the notion that “a reformed rake makes the best husband” was already a cliché of romantic literature, and romance novels center around the same cliché to this day. However, Heathcliff does not reform, and his malevolence proves so great and long-lasting that it cannot be adequately explained even as a desire for revenge against Hindley, Catherine, Edgar, etc. As he himself points out, his abuse of Isabella is purely sadistic, as he amuses himself by seeing how much abuse she can take and still come cringing back for more. Heathcliff can be a real beast, which comes across through his numerous threats, violent acts, and symbolic association with that unruly pack of dogs. A powerful, fierce, and often cruel man, Heathcliff often falls back on violence as a means of expression, both of love and hate. Having been abused by Hindley for most of his childhood, Heathcliff is the classic victim-turned-perpetrator. His rage is tied to the revenge he so passionately seeks, but he also undertakes small "extracurricular" acts of violence, like hanging Isabella Linton's dog. These lines in the book pretty much sum up his attitude: "I have no pity! I have no pity! The more the worms writhe, the more I yearn to crush out their entrails! It is a moral teething; and I grind with greater energy in proportion to the increase of pain."

And to think of it, these disdainful characters were also written by women and despite their serious flaws are also unequivocally loved by women across the world even to this day. If only women knew their own worth better!

The Men We Love!

I was recently reading an article online where the writer had shared how some of the literary male protagonists had ruined her romantic life because they are “Oh, so perfect!” The article was fun and so I googled more on the topic where favourite male characters from novels were shared. There were some names that were appearing more commonly as against others. A prime example was Mr. Fitzwilliam Darcy from the Pride and Prejudice who was not only part of every single list but was almost always occupying the No. 1 spot. And then there were others who appeared more than often. Here when I listed them down, there was a very interesting observation that cropped up. But, first let me share the ones that I am talking about:

1. Mr. Darcy – Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen

Image source: Google Search

The quintessential and undoubtedly most loved male character ever from a novel is Mr. Darcy from the “Pride and Prejudice”. Mr. Darcy exhibits all the good and bad qualities of the ideal English aristocrat — snobbish and arrogant, he is also completely honest and sure of himself. Initially described as someone vain and too proud for our dear Elizabeth Bennet, he backs off when she rejects him and yet is mature and good-natured enough to help her out where he can without any expectations in return. When Elizabeth flatly turns down his marriage proposal and tells him that it was ungentlemanly, Darcy is startled into realizing just how arrogant and assuming he had been. He accepts his folly and goes all out to correct what he had done wrong. Darcy's humbling makes him more sensitive to what other people feel. If he wins our dear Lizzy’s heart in the process, it’s all too obvious. The fact that he is extremely handsome and rich is just icing on the cake.

2. Captain Wentworth – Persuasion by Jane Austen

Much on the lines of Mr. Darcy, Jane Austen also wrote the character of the good-looking Captain Wentworth in “Persuasion”. Although he could never reach the desirability quotient of Mr. Darcy, he wasn’t much behind either, heralding very similar qualities as Mr. Darcy. Again, choosing to walk away when rejected by Anne and yet holding an undying love for her in his heart for years; he doesn’t impose himself or his feelings on her unless he himself is sure of her own feelings. In fact, he felt responsible for Louisa's condition, having pursued her to make Anne jealous and would have taken her as his wife. However, when Louisa turned her affections to James Benwick, he let her go without making it an ego issue. Eventually, getting similar undying love from Anne could only have been the best reward possible.

3. Atticus Finch – To kill a mockingbird by Harper Lee 

Bold, heroic, noble, honourable, confident and optimistic, Atticus Finch from “To kill a mockingbird” is a vision of idealised masculinity. He is a true role model in every sense of the word. A man holding forth a fight for justice against all odds; and yet a very even-keeled type of guy who does not get too worked up about stressful situations. He is not affected by what other people say or think. He is consistent and rooted in his beliefs. A man of great wisdom and character; he is a good single parent too trying to fill his kids with a sense of righteousness.

4. Gilbert Blythe – Anne of Green Gables by Lucy Maud Montgomery

Gilbert Blythe from “Anne of Green Gables” is literally literature’s most beloved boy-next-door. He lets Anne be Anne, a wonderful mess of imagination, goof-ups, temper, drive, and dreams – and Gilbert loves all of that about her. He never tries to make her something she isn’t. Also, he doesn’t let obstacles throw him and he pursues excellence. He works hard for what he has and isn’t showy about his successes. And boy! Is he patient? He fell in love with Anne long before the thought ever occurred to her that he could. And he waited. And waited. He waited until Anne herself was ready and all this while without even being imposing. Like all romantic male protagonists, he loved Anne and they both supported each other throughout the series. All the while, Gilbert was never threatened when Anne succeeded. He was secure in who he was and happily rejoiced in Anne’s success even if he was the one who had lost out to her.

5. Rhett Butler – Gone with the Wind by Margaret Mitchell

On the surface, Rhett Butler from “Gone with the Wind” is a textbook example of the charming rogue. His dark, good looks and supposedly wild behavior are the source of considerable gossip among the ladies. However, he is loved not for his Casanova image but for his undaunting love for Scarlett. Rhett has no dearth of physical courage which can be seen in the fact that he starts off the war as a blockade runner (which takes some courage, even if he insists it doesn't), but at the siege of Atlanta he decides to go off and join the army. Moreover, he helps Scarlett escape from Atlanta during the siege and after he murders a black man, he faces his sentence of death by hanging with seeming equanimity. And yet some call Rhett a coward because he's afraid to tell his own wife that he loves her. Rhett's afraid of Scarlett; deathly afraid, shamefully afraid. Even though he declares his love for her when he is about to leave Scarlett to go into the army and perhaps die, she misunderstands him because he had never really expressed his sentiments till then. He just lets her be herself and gave her all the space she needed while remaining by her side as the anchor she may hook herself on. He is also an excellent father to Bonnie; never once entangled by the gender roles in the said period and taking upon himself the parental duties as he must. The one flaw that holds out as a sore eye is Rhett Butler putting the blame of every flaw in him (his act of indifference or his sleeping with Belle) on Scarlett and he eventually comes across as someone willing to cheat on her and lie to her and treat her as a punching bag for his own insecurities. A bit of put downer there. 

Having listed down the most loved male characters across the world in the English novels, there is one thing noteworthy about the list… One common factor that runs across all these characters is the trait that they are utterly and unwittingly feminist in their conduct. They do not impose on the women they love; give them space to be themselves; and support them in their pursuits. Is it a surprise? Well, not if you see the reason why. 

ALL THESE CHARACTERS WERE CREATED AND WRITTEN BY WOMEN.

I don't have an attitude problem... I have an attitude and you have a problem!

I was once told that I have an attitude problem. I did not retaliate because by giving back to that person, I would have proved him right. The thing is that I do not have an attitude problem. I have an attitude and that person has a problem with my attitude. And honestly, that is not my problem.

I have a (maybe bad) habit of voicing my opinion and calling a spade a spade. I do this every single time without fail and without caring about the reactions of other people. The approach I follow is simple and democratic. I say what I think and what I feel is right but then I do not fight back to uphold my opinion. I let others speak and express whatever they think is right. "To each his own" is my philosophy. Many times people have expressed 'different' or 'contradicting' views. Often I have been rudely condemned and have faced people's ire for that too (thankfully restricted to social media). But I have never retaliated. People can think about it whatever they want. They can assume that I am not fighting back because I am scared of them or that I am weak. They can happily regale in their assumption that they put me down and that I failed to overpower them. Again... To each his own. I just do not feel the need of getting everyone to agree with me.

Just last week something similar happened. I spoke up about something I felt strongly about (and I always try to maintain a polite language and try not to put anyone down). Still, a person whom I considered a good friend (and about whom I had recognized long back that she has a very different way of thinking than me), got a bit worked up because she did not agree with me. Within minutes I had lost a friend for voicing an opinion different to hers. I was surprised a bit that people are not mature enough to accept others feeling differently about the same issue and they find it difficult to co-exist peacefully with - leave alone respect - others having a different point of view. But then, I still do not regret saying what I felt.

Then today, a colleague chatting with another colleague of mine suddenly fell silent as I approached his table in the cafeteria. When I asked what happened and he could not suddenly make up something for me, he admitted that he had been talking about men's rights activism and how he felt about women using the laws in their favour to harass men. I smiled and told him that I agree to what he has said and that there have been cases, a couple about whom I know personally too, where this has been a case. Yet, those are still few in number and the most number of cases are genuinely where women have faced harassment. He started arguing that those are the thing of the past and that the laws are archaic and need to be changed. I did not then challenge back or justify my views. He was all into debate mood by then and kept on repeating his argument again and again. I just sat there, smiled and drank my tea. He tried hard to instigate a reaction. When he couldn't get one, he very stoutly said, "See, even you are convinced that I am right." I smiled and said, "Not yet but unlike you, I am not trying to convince you that I am right." He was taken aback a bit. I then very calmly told him that irrespective of what I think, he still has a right to have a different opinion and speak it up in front of me and I would do the same in front of him. I will not belittle him or judge him for having an opinion different than mine and I hope he would not judge me either. To be honest, even if he does judge me for having views different than his own, I will make sure that it will not impact me at all or for long. Thankfully, we parted the tea party in a joyful mood happily bidding each other a nice day. 

Image source: Google search

I was not always like that. There was a time when people's opinion about me mattered to me. I just wanted to be in everybody's good books. I would not speak out my views clear cut lest I might offend someone. And it all would bottle up inside me and mess with my head. I was - and still am - a person who had an opinion of her own, sometimes different than the opinion of people around me. I also realized the need of speaking out my opinion clear and loud but I wouldn't because of the fear of condemnation. It has taken me years of struggle, self-analysis and self-discovery to develop the nonchalant attitude towards what people may think of me for speaking out. I am now more confident than ever in the knowledge that I do not need other people's acceptance to be a nice person and what people think about me is irrelevant to my existence. This 'devil-may-care-attitude' which may not go down well with some people is actually a well thought out decision. And now, giving up this attitude for the fear of losing out on 'friends' is actually too big a price for me to keep people around me. I will not stifle my voice just to be with others who cannot respect me for having an opinion, even if it is different than theirs. And one thing is sure... I do not intend to change for anybody's acceptance.