Is it really the easy way out?

A few days back, a lady approached me for some advice. She had been separated from her husband since about an year and a half. She had a small kid and had recently filed for divorce. She claims that the person is a narcissist. Apart from the emotional and mental torture, her husband had apparently cheated on her twice. After the first time, he had apologized and made her believe that since she had been away from him for a few months, he went astray. He admitted it to be a moment of weakness which escalated into a full blown extra-marital affair. But he said sorry and promised not to make the same mistake again, so she put everything behind her and reconciled. A year and a half later, she finds herself in the same situation. He again puts it on her saying that she has brought about a lull in the relationship because of the baby and there was a lack of excitement and so he went astray. This time, the lady took a bold step and moved out. She had since been living with her parents. There had been no reconciliation attempts from either side and a divorce case had been filed by her. Now, as is the norm in divorce cases, the couple was referred for mediation. During mediation, the husband had once again apologized. He was promising not to make the same mistake again and requesting her to come back. She had messaged me to ask what she should do? She admitted that there was no surety at all that he would keep the promise (in fact, by now she had understood that he would not keep the promise he was making and that they were just worthless words). She also understood now that although he always made her feel guilty by making her believe everything was her fault, it was in fact he who was in the wrong here. But she was still contemplating reuniting with her husband for her child's sake.

If anyone asks for my advice, I never tell them what to do, especially in cases of marriage and divorce. If I have gone through similar situation, I usually tell them what I had done and why. If I had never gone through such a situation myself, I clearly tell them so. In latter scenario, I often tell them what, in my opinion, were the pros and cons of the choices the person had in front of them. Anyway, this post is not about what I told her or what she eventually decided to do (which honestly I am not even aware of as of now). This post is about what I felt was driving her to consider the option of reuniting with her husband knowing that the promise was fake. They call it "for the child's sake", but it actually means "societal pressure".

It wasn't like she was not able to care for her kid. She had been raising her kid without her husband's support for about 2 years now. She was working and was doing decently in her profession. So, even the finances where her kid was concerned were not really a problem (she was doing fine, as she explained to me and in any case her application for child support was pending in court). Her parents had supported her all this time. But suddenly, they and her friends and her relatives were of the opinion that she should give her husband "one chance to come around" for "her child's sake". (I fail to understand why everyone had ignored the fact that she had already given him "one chance to come around" and that this would in fact be his "second chance to come around").

She is actually not the only one who has been in this dilemma. In fact, every single woman who had opted for divorce, with a kid or not, has gone through this dilemma - whether she should give her marriage one more chance.* Many of them already knew deep inside that this is not going to work and yet they thought and sometimes decided to give the marriage a second chance. I did that too and I had thought back then, "At least, it would clear my conscience and I would not feel that I did not try." Similarly, everyone feels that they should not feel or someone should not tell them that they did not try or that they took the easy way out.

After all, the society believes that making a marriage work is a difficult job and divorce is the "easy way out". If only the people knew what one has to go through to reach the end of a divorce, they would never say such a stupid thing. Choosing divorce over reconciliation is not an easy way out. For the divorce process would be the hardest battle that a woman would ever fight in her whole life. 

* I would like to hope that every man also goes through the same confusion but I have not been privy to many men discussing their marriage and divorce stories with me so I am not so sure about that.