Merry Christmas and a happy New Year!

Good girls are still real!

A friend of mine once told me that 'good girls' are hard to come by  anymore and that I just might be 'the last Good Girl' in the world. I actually tend to disagree with him. On the contrary, I feel that good girls get dismissed even when they are ever present. They are simply looked past because they are the ones that you know are good for you but you don't really want them. They are the ones whom you think you're too good for or even sometimes whom you think are just too good for you. But the fact remains that even though the 'Good Girls' still exist and are very much real, there are no takers for them.

You may ask what are the characteristics of a good girl. The most common response is that the characteristics of a good girl are that they do not go partying or clubbing, don't booze, are saintly virgins and follow all the rules laid down by their parents (read no late nights, no going out with guys, etc.). I personally feel that these restrictive definitions are very orthodox and incorrect and do not actually describe what 'Good Girls' are supposed to be like.

The real characteristics of 'Good Girls' are as follows:

1. She is realistic.
She doesn't live in a fantasy world full of daydreams and fantasies. She understands that the real world is not fair to everyone so she plays by the rules and although might take chances once in a while, she plays safe with full understanding of the repercussions and doesn't concede into depression if the things do not turn her way.

2. She has a heart.
What I mean is, she has a good heart. At the base of it all, the good girl cares more about things than she lets on. She wants to save the world and the least she expects from a guy is to help her do it. It is not her that needs to be saved. She is the front-runners to stand up for ideals and ethics and morals and is rarely seen to have dual standards. She is helpful to all and sundry, even going all out of the way to do so at times, and is generally someone you can rely on.

3. She is strong.
Guys often feel that the good girls are a vulnerable lot. Ironically, they are not and contrarily, they are quite strong. Whatever be the situation, the good girl will not fall to pieces and would instead pick up the pieces and rebuild her life. She will build a firm foundation with the bricks others have thrown at her.

4. She values relationships.
The good girl puts others - family and friends and people who care for her - before herself. She will fight not only for her own self-respect but equally for the respect of these people. She lives by her principles and will never let her people down.

5. She won't break your heart.
Because she values relationships, chances are, it's the good girl who will be the one to stand by you and fight your battles shoulder to shoulder with you, loyal till the end. Chances are, she will be the one left behind when you decide to move on. And, chances are, she'll be the one with the broken heart. But in true spirit of a 'Good Girl', she will put it behind her and move on to the next battle.

So, give the good girl a chance, guys... They might be the best thing that could happen to you.

Things I learnt from my child!

I often hear mothers jest that "You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance." This is becoming such an oft repeated quote by mothers that I actually started to think about what are the things we can learn from our kids, on a rather serious note.

To elaborate, it is natural for children to learn and gain understanding of the world around them from their parents. And as parents, we look at our children and think that because we are much older and wiser, we are their teachers, and they should learn from us. We must fill their eager minds with all of the knowledge we have obtained through the years of experience we have endured while endeavouring to become the wise sages of our time. Yet, if we pay attention to the beauty of their innocence, we will be surprised at the lessons they teach us in return.

All parents, including me, tend to expect their children to be on their best behaviours 24x7. Absorb all advices at one go, be in their gracious charming moods every minute of the day and be the exemplary personification of the well-mannered children we teach them to be every second. Probably, we want to prove a point to an invisible someone constantly watching us that we have been successful in raising the ideal child. We want our children to be the models and ambassadors of an excellent upbringing and we expect nothing but a perpetual live demo of the same from them. Are we not being unfair? When we adults, with all our experience and maturity, are allowed to be irritated once in a while; when we expect others to forgive our mood swings; and when we ask others to forgive our 'less than polite' or even out rightly rude mannerisms once in a while; why can we not allow the same leverage to our kids? We always blame circumstances for behaving against our good upbringing, but are the children not exposed to the same circumstances? Think for a while and you will actually realise, like I did, that the children behave far better and probably more maturely than us adults in many such circumstances.

Have you ever watched a child? There is a lot that an adult can learn from a child. As adults, it is easy to let everyday occurrences dictate how we feel. We tend to hang on to the emotion of the event we have experienced. Say for instance, you and a friend are going to lunch. As you are going to park your car someone pulls in and steals your spot. This really makes you angry so you decide to say something to the person as they get out of the car. Basically, the other person doesn't really care that they have caused you to get angry and they laugh it off. Now you are just infuriated! The whole event is stuck in your head throughout the entire lunch. When you get home, you realize you are still mad and to top it off you didn't enjoy your time with your friend because you held on to the incident in the parking lot.

Now let's take a child. They are in the park and they are playing in the sandbox. They have a bucket filled with sand and they are building a sandcastle. They pour the sand out and run off to go get a toy to add to their creation. You watch and notice they are intent on creating the BEST sandcastle of all time. They walk over to refill the bucket and another kid comes up and takes the bucket. The child who had it first grabs it out of the other kid's hands and boom, a fight breaks out. Both children get in trouble and neither one of them can play with the bucket. Do they let that stop them? No, they find something else to do. A few minutes later you see them playing with the very child they were in a fight with moment before. What does this tell us? How can we learn from the children?

We can learn a lot of things simply by watching the kids around us. Children are the perfect little teachers. Some of the things that I have learned from them are as follows:

1.       Go with the flow. Whatever is present in your life is perfect right now and that if you allow for it, you will enjoy the experience much more. Never linger on to the past or focus too much on the future. Carpe diem. Seize the day. Adopt this attitude and you will move through conflict faster and see better things appear than you wouldn't have seen otherwise. Also, allow others to be where they are in their lives without any judgment or interference in their path. The example above is a perfect scenario. See, children feel the feeling they are having. They express what they feel and then they let it go. They don't focus on the past or hold a grudge for the future. They just go with the flow! It is a wonderful lesson to learn as an adult. If the parking lot incident could have been different, the emotions and the following events could have been much more pleasant.

2.       Enjoy the beauty all around you. Have you ever noticed that kids see the beauty in everything and delight in it? I have quoted this earlier on numerous occasions and I will quote this again that "there are no seven wonders in the eyes of a child. There are seven million." They find something exciting and beautiful in everything they see. The bug in the garden gets them all excited. Sitting in a Tuk-tuk is an experience to cherish. I can get up in the morning with the worst bed hair ever, eyeliner smeared from the night before, pyjamas with cooking stains hardened onto them, and my 7-year-old daughter will say, "Mommy, you are so beautiful." She'll really mean it. No judging, no kidding. Likewise, there may be an abandoned house down the street with a yard filled with dandelions. I see weeds. She sees a field of beautiful yellow flowers, and she dances in them. Why can't we be more like that? Why can't we see beauty more, judge others less - or ourselves for that matter - and learn to dance in the dandelions? We should. While we're at it, we could learn to dance in the rain, too.

3.       Let go of your inhibitions. I love the fact that children are not afraid to strip down to nothing and run through the neighbourhood without a care in the world. Now, I am not saying that this is what we should do as adults. In most countries, this could get a person arrested. I am saying we should stop trying to be so darn perfect all of the time. Stop worrying about what the neighbours think and just be yourself. So what if your clothes aren't the latest fashion, or your lawn is not the brightest shade of green. If people judge you based on those things, that is their loss, not yours. Who would want friends that are always bringing you down, anyway? If we could take this lecture from our children's lesson book, we would all be a happier people. Don't forget to remind yourself that nobody is perfect, not even your neighbour.

4.       Keep the enthusiasm. Ever watched an infant discover a new thing, say, the fact that if he falls down on the bed in on his back, he won't get hurt. It becomes a new game for him because he enjoys his new discovery. It is his favourite thing until he discovers something new. He will keep doing it for hours and his enthusiasm will not die down. As we grow older, we start "getting bored" with one thing. The enthusiasm dies down after a while and we lose interest in something that excited us exorbitantly a while ago. We should learn to keep the enthusiasm alive. We should learn to keep monotony at bay. Remember, your dreams have no expiry date. You only need to keep up at it until you fulfil it and move on to the next 'new' dream.

5.       It's OK to believe in magic. There is a reason that when we think of hope, we think of children. It is because children aren't afraid to dream. They believe that anything is possible. As long as they keep believing, anything can be. It is when we become adults that we start letting fears and doubts creep in that limit us from doing truly impossible things. Fear kills more dreams than failure ever does. Fear actually does not even let us embark on the journey to fulfil our dreams. It doesn't allow us to 'Believe'. Children ask Santa for a gift absolutely believing they will receive it. As adults, we know the truth about Santa, but do we know the truth about God? I know God is real, do you? If you do, when was the last time you asked God for a gift and truly believed you would receive it? With God, all things are possible.

6.       It's OK to play. Children have the most amazing ability to be carefree and live life with no regrets. They play hard and love life as they are doing it. Amid our busy schedules and meetings, shuffling the kids here and there, cleaning the house, fixing meals, and running errands remember that those things that are most important will only be around for a short time. Then, they will be grown-up and gone. Loosen up and enjoy life a little. The dishes will be there tomorrow, and so will the errands. Meetings can be rescheduled or missed, and dinner can be leftovers. Live life with no regrets, especially when it comes to spending time with your family. Your children will only be children and living in your home a few years. Every year, time goes by faster and faster. Do the things that you need to do, then play hard with your children. I promise you will love life as you are doing it.

So, the next time you are out walking or in a restaurant, watch a child. See how they interact with the environment, their families, and other people to get what they want. They are brilliant little souls to learn from.

Happily Single!!

When I was younger, thinner and less cynical, it was easy to be a romantic fool. So, I would be lost in imaginary worlds of love, happiness and bliss at the drop of a hat (or the reading of all those useless meaningless quotes and one-liners that are nowadays re-emerged in a new avatar as pins and relatable posts and what-not). Who wouldn't love me? I was amazing back then! But the longer I continue to pile on years, kilos and - am I allowed to say - experience and wisdom, I realize that I am happier being single and that there IS a way to be happy and be alone. So here's how it has worked for me:

1) Love.
Believe in it. Find it wherever you can. In your family, in your friends, in religion, in the things that make you up. If you start to understand what Love is, in the biggest sense of the word, then you will find that you are never really alone and that if it is in your life, in any form, you can't be unhappy. Everywhere you turn around, there it is: love embracing you in a huge bear hug.

2) Have faith.
Have some faith that you're good enough for you. If you keep whining and build-up a belief that a you need a man who will come along one day, see you, believe in you enough, love you and save you, remember that it doesn't work that way. Men are just too human to be all of that. They too need to be saved once in a while and having too much expectation can only hurt. On the contrary, believe in yourself and embrace and celebrate the fact that you don't need a man in your life to survive. Don't wait for a 'knight in a shining armour'. Remember, a knight in a shining armour is a man who has not had his metal truly tested.

3) Like what you do.
It's simple. If you're sitting in an office or any other workplace or even your home hating every hour that goes by in a job / situation you can't stand, evidently you'll be wishing twice as hard for someone to whisk you away to something, anything else to preoccupy yourself with. Find something you're good at, do it well, and you'll find it hard not to be satisfied.

4) Go places.
See the world. There's so much of it anyway. The more people you meet, the more amazing adventures you go on, the more stories you will tell. Witnessing how hard or wonderful it is the way others live will teach you that finding one true life partner may not be the answer to all things and that soulmates come in many shapes and sizes. Interact with people. Human race is far more complex than the limited number of people around you. Knowing more people will only build up your confidence to identify the people you can get along with and the others that you might keep an arm's length with.

5) Fun, fun, fun.
Above all, the real secret to being happy and single? Have a ton of FUN - whatever your definition of fun may be. Enjoy your life as it is. Spend time with family. Go out and chill with friends. Do anything and everything you want to do. Create a bucket list and tick off as many things as you can. Don't regret, don't hesitate, go forth and enjoy yourself...Laugh. Whatever situation you may find yourself in, whatever heartbreak, get over it, laugh it off...if you're dancing your way through, someone just might dance with you.

It's your fault!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8hC0Ng_ajpY&feature=youtube_gdata_player

Five things you SHOULDN'T do before you turn 30!

Teenage and Twenties – these are the coveted years in anybody’s life – time to live carefree, time to rebel!! And during the revelry, we sometimes end up with burden that we carry in our thirties which we are not very proud of or are happy about. I can actually imagine some of these things right now.

So, the next time a person in his / her thirties tells you that “I wouldn’t like to go back to my teens”, don’t dismiss him / her as a case of “sour grapes”. He / she just might be one of those persons who actually believe that the teens and the twenties was not the best time of their lives and that they may have actually done some stupid things which if asked to do in the present, they would certainly do differently.

And if you may ask what some of those things may be, then I am probably in one of those moods today to list some of them down:

1. That embarrassing email address you made long ago: What was it really? therealhulk@whatever.com,thecharmingprincess@whatever.com, therealstupidcupid@whatever.com or was it missloveable@whatever.com. To be honest, many of us had made really stupid email addresses when we were teenagers. Most of them may just be a result of not being able to manage our real full name as email addresses and may often be a combination of certain clichéd teenage words and slangs with our full or nick names. Nevertheless, they can be really embarrassing and most people in their thirties would not normally be continuing to use the same.

2. The permanent tattoo you so try to cover up now: Okay, now what was your first tattoo? Che Guevara’s face? “Peace” written in Chinese script? “Love” with the infinity symbol? No matter what it was, you probably wouldn’t get the same tattoo now when you are past your twenties. The fact that they are permanent doesn’t really help. So you try your best to cover it up using clothes and make-up. So, the next time your kid brother / sister or your daughter / son asks you if it’s okay to get a tattoo, you should advise them to get one when they reach their thirties and know where their ideologies lie.

3. The school / college slam book entries at the time of farewell: Your school / college slam books are really lying in the farthest corner of your store room. Isn’t it? And you secretly hope that all your friend’s slam books are being treated similarly where you have filled pages and pages of stupid useless stuff most of which seems really embarrassing now if you read it again. So, it’s best that those slam books never really resurface to remind you what a romantic fool you were.

4. The dozens of piercings that leave a mark: When I was a teenager, piercings were really trendy. Although our school authorities really tried to keep a check on those (like no piercings near the eyebrows, etc. were allowed), people still managed to get away with quite a few undetected ones (e.g. navel piercings?). Over years, having tackled with unintentional injuries to the body caused by entangled clothes and having applied ointments to bruises and swellings, some people I know have actually left the piercings on their own to reseal while others continue to deal with the same with subdued fervour.

5. Those mushy collections of recorded videos and books: Not much unlike the slam books stashed away, there may be quite a few collections of mushy books and videos that you may not be using any more and more so do not feel much proud of. Having studied in an all-girls school, I have seen quite a few Mills & Boons exchange hands and have known boys maintaining the same for magazines (read Playboy and sometimes even Filmfare) and videos. Same goes for the posters put up on your walls which have since been taken off or disposed permanently. While at that time you would have doled out a major chunk of your pocket money or your parent’s hard-earned cash on those and they would have been considered your prized collections, some may even have been trashed by now while others may be lying in a corner having not seen sunlight for years.

Well, to be fair, I should say that all these have also served a purpose in your life which probably was right for that age, however, it’s relative permanence in our lives and the understanding now of how far and better we have evolved since then does lead us to some embarrassment. Today, if you were to make an email address, get a tattoo or start a book collection, I am sure your choices would be much different.

Who are you?

who are you,
really?

you are not a name
or a height, or a weight
or a gender
you are not an age
and you are not where you
are from

you are your favorite books
and the songs stuck in your head
you are your thoughts
and what you eat for breakfast
on saturday mornings

you are not
where you are from
you are
where you're going

you are a thousand things
but everyone chooses
to see the million things
you are not

© Nishtha Khurana, 2013. All rights reserved.

Change - first and foremost in mindsets

Over the last few days, post the Delhi brutal gangrape case, we have been able to get an idea around how even in today's world, the male members of our society in India still consider the womenfolk as a second grade citizens of this country. When Malala Yousafzai was attacked by the Afghan Taliban, we were quick and sharp in pointing out that the incident is barbaric and how Taliban is trying to opress the womenfolk in Afghanistan.

Then, when a Delhi girl is raped and brutally assaulted, the highly regarded male members of the Indian society come out in the open and shamelessly display their hypocrisy. Be it self-proclaimed Godman Asaram Bapu who claimed that the victim is equally guilty as she did not beg the rapists to spare her and did not address them as "bhaiya" (brother); or be it Mr. Sharad Pawar who bashfully declares that all males have a sexual need which should be fulfilled at least every 15 days, else such incidents might take place; or even one of our esteemed courts who recently ruled that forcing someone into prostitution is not equivalent to abetment to rape; we have witnessed such a spate of reports and statements giving us sheer examples of orthodox male dominance. We hear reports about proposals to ban jeans / skirts in schools and colleges. We even heard someone suggesting overcoats to be made compulsory for girls elsewhere. What is this? Is this not equivalent to imposing burqas and head veils on women? It makes me think whether India is heading for some kind of non-religious Talibanism to say in the least. In fact, for every male supporter of equal female rights, we have about 3-4 voices of orthodox male chauvinists.

Then, I came across this picture of Nelson Mandela and his beautiful words and I can't help thinking that the same logic applies to gender bias. Just like no one is born with hatred or discrimination for people on the basis of caste, colour and creed; no one was born with a gender bias. It is the same society that has engraved this in its own DNA. The upbringing the kids are provided at home is responsible for this mindsets. Every day, we shout out and demand protection for women, and reservation for women. Why do we not instead discuss respect and equality for women. We worship our deities and call our daughters and sisters as "Lakshmi" but in practice we do not have basic respect for the females.

Let us first work to change the mindsets. It is a humongous task ahead but we will not be able to bring about the change we want to bring without taking the first step towards the right mindset. And that step begins within our own homes.

Have a hopeful New Year 2013!!

"There comes a day when you realize turning the page is the best feeling in the world, because you realize there is so much more to the book than the page you were stuck on."

Yes, 2012 did not end on a happy note. But, it rocked us enough towards the end and leaves us with a hope that we all will carve a better 2013 and a better future for ourselves and our generations to come. No female will ever be afraid to live with her head held high then.

Wish everyone a very optimistic and hopeful New Year 2013!!

Tribute to "Braveheart"

In response to my first post regarding the Delhi Gangrape, a friend of mine, Meenal Sarda, wrote to me regarding how initially she also felt the same but her feelings changed when she read in the newspapers that she had written to her mother that she wants to live.

I must confess that even my heart broke when I read about her death. My heart goes out to her and her family and I pray to God to give them peace and solace.

I would like to reproduce here what my friend had written to me. I find it very beautiful and very expressive. Hope all my friends like what she had written to me. Thanks Meenal for such an inspiring mail.

When I first read the news about the gangrape and comprehended, with shock and horror, what the girl had been subjected to, my reaction was similar. I thought- how can this girl now live, without intestines and on intravenous fluids all her life. Somewhere, I also silently prayed that God would relieve her of the constant suffering and pain and let her rest in peace.


But then I read in the newspaper that she wrote a note to her mother - I want to live. And that changed my perspective. Who would know better than that girl the pain that she would have to undergo, the condition in which she would be everyday, the challenges that she would have to face for the rest of her life? And yet she wanted to live. If that was the case, things would have worked out somehow, maybe a transplant, maybe artificial support would have made her life easier. It doesn't matter how, but if she wanted to live, she should live. And so I kept hoping against hope that somehow, she would survive. I find it all the more heartbreaking now that her wish was not fulfilled, that though her spirit was very strong and was fighting till the very end, her body gave up....

I agree with many things that are being demanded by the protestors- capital punishment for rapists (this being a rarest of rare case), stricter laws, fast track courts etc. This is definitely a law and order issue- if there is no deterrant for a rapist, what will stop him or someone else from raping again.

But more than all of this, it is very much a social issue. It is the deeply imbedded attitude of society against women that is at the root of all this. One of the most disturbing facts I found about the incident is the testimony of one of the accused, who said that they wanted to 'teach her a lesson' for speaking up against the men to protect her friend. Men, no matter what education, profession etc, feel it is their birth right to teach lessons to women. Society, at large, wants to control everything about women and girls- how women dress, how they eat, what they can and cannot do, where they can go or not, when they get married, when they have kids etc etc. Rape is also about control and power. It is about showing who is the one with power.

Another disturbing aspect is the issue of 'honour'. I have never understood why women are the custodians of the family honour- maybe this is another way of restricting their movements and keeping checks on them. When a woman is raped, she is 'dishonoured', her family loses its honour. Why? Should it not be the man who should be dishonoured and his family who should be hanging their heads in shame?

It also gets assumed that somehow the woman must be at fault, she must have done something to deserve this. As for the man, it is never his fault. 'Men will be men'.

Ads, films, TV serials, songs- all these propagate these norms and contribute towards the problem. But that is the subject of another long write-up.

The only positive in the entire incident is the fact that people have taken up the cause and are demanding justice in a united way. Ofcourse, there are people with political affiliations that join the crowds and try to create trouble. But these are far outnumbered by peaceful protestors and people who are there simply because they want things to change.

And no matter how long it takes or how difficult the challenges, change they must.