Waiting for the day Ashtami Puja becomes irrelevant for Girls

I have been born into a family of three sisters and no brother. The next generation till now has two girls and a boy. My family has been worshipping Maa Durga since many generations. Needless to say, Navratras were one of the most awaited festivals and culminating into Ashtami which was celebrated with much happiness.

Our family has been unique when it comes to Ashtami celebration. First, it is only restricted to kids in the family and we do not gather little girls from all over for the puja. Second, just like we treat our girls equal to boys on normal days, we treat our boys equal to girls on Ashtami (Kanya Pujan) days. So, my nephew gets to sit in the puja in the same manner and gets the same gifts and money as my daughter and my niece. Third, the girls sit in the puja irrespective of their age (and after attaining puberty too) well until they get married. Last, we share poori-halwa-chhole prasad with some families in the neighbourhood irrespective of whether the families have young girls or not.

Image source: Google search (jagran.com)

Until much later in my teenage years, this was normal for me and only after I grew up did I realise how different this was from the norm. For us, Ashtami Puja had always been for the "kids of the family" and never for the "girls". By that age, I was already into a phase getting prepped to become a staunch feminist. My first Ashtami Puja at my marital home was a depressor. I had been subjected for 6 months to an ashirwad of giving birth to a son and then on the day of Ashtami, my then MIL had sent my then husband looking for small girls to sit in the puja. My now ex-in-laws were openly and vocally upset about me giving birth to a daughter (and the irony was that she was born during Navratras) and six months later on Ashtami day they suddenly relegated her to the status of Lakshmi of the house and worshipped her. My heart was filled with more contempt that day than on the days they would curse me for not bearing a son.

It hurts me to see that the girls are condemned on everyday and on Ashtami, they are celebrated. Although I still try to celebrate this festival with just as much cheer as I did as a child, but every time in Navratras, these thoughts keep circling around my head. I see happy girls in the neighbourhood and I can make out that they are enjoying being centre of attraction for a change. And then maybe one day when the grow up, they will realise what a sham it all is.

The day Ashtami becomes an irrelevant festival for girls because they start getting valued even on normal days will be the day the feminist in me would smile brighter.

Make-up for kids... Like, really?

It’s wedding season and there’s a thought that has been going on in my head. My sister got married just over a year ago. It was one of the biggest occasions we had in our family in the recent past and the biggest that my daughter, now thirteen years old, has had in her living memory as she was too young to remember my other sister’s wedding. Our preparations as far as she was concerned went only to the extent of deciding dresses and footwear (flats and although she bought her first kitten heels for the D-day, she couldn’t wear it for over half an hour and shifted to flats). There was nothing else that we had to discuss or arrange for her. Our own preparations were more elaborate. It additionally included arranging a make-up artist (MUA) for us. 

Now, that was because it was my own sister’s wedding. Otherwise, I am the kind of woman who never opts for professional make-up or hairstyling on any other occasion – be it any close wedding or any random party. Money factor is not even a consideration because I simply do not have the time, energy and inclination to go to a professional to get ready. Similarly, the only time my daughter had her hair done by a professional was during my sister’s wedding and that too only braids (due to the fact that I myself am totally pathetic with those) sans any spray or serum. I just wouldn’t let the MUA use any chemicals on her hair. That is all the exposure my daughter has had to professional make-up till date. 

But when I go to weddings nowadays, I am surprised to note that my daughter is usually the odd one out in kids. Kids as young as 2 or 3 year olds there are running around with hairstyles made by professional MUAs and often with make-ups like eye-shadows and lip-colours. My niece got married about 10 days back and I couldn’t see a single child on her own feet, no matter how old, not made-up. And I kind of find it sad because all said and done, these cosmetics not only harm their gentle skins but otherwise as well we are tuning the minds of our girls to fake standards of beauty as well as vanity. This in my eyes is a bigger sin than even ruining their complexions. 

This had been on my mind for a few days until yesterday when I was just whiling away my time by surfing through flash news from Entertainment Industry. I came across Vogue Magazine articles sharing pics of all celebrities who attended Armaan Jain - Anissa Malhotra wedding – the “who wore what” kind of news articles. I was mindlessly just skimming through without even focussing on any celebrity or least of all on the names of all the famous designers whose clothes they wore. That was until I came across pics of Karisma Kapoor with her daughter. What caught my eye was Samiera Kapoor, aged 14, a young girl belonging to one of the most fashion-conscious families in India was totally sans any make-up and hadn’t even got her hair done. A teenager belonging to a family of actors, who herself is most likely to become an actor someday, was wearing designer dresses but no cosmetics. I was like “Wow! This is so unexpected.” Indeed, this was a surprisingly unanticipated but still a refreshing change for me. The same was the case with Aaradhya Bachchan, the daughter of Abhishek and Aishwarya Bachchan, but then the argument in her favour is that she is only 8 years old. But even in her case, she is an example to be emulated by the parents of the 2 year olds with fancy buns and red lips running around wearing diapers under their lehengas at sundry weddings. 

I hope parents of little girls make note and follow suit. We are in an age where we want to teach our girls (and even boys) that their physical attributes should not determine their worth and that they are beautiful just as they are. But then we cannot preach what we don’t practice.

Image courtesy: Google search

Feminism and shaming!

I am part of a few groups on Facebook and I read a post this morning in one of these groups. The post was supposed to be feminist in nature - only it wasn't. The lady concerned talked about a guy who fat shamed a woman and in return she herself left no stone unturned in doing the same and much more to the guy, going far ahead and even commenting on the guy's strained marital relationship. I was offended to the core.

I myself am a divorced woman and I have never hidden the fact. The thing is that people do not opt for divorce simply on whims and fancies. And almost 100% of time they do not opt for divorce because of the changes in their partner's physical attributes. It's a long-thought decision which is never a winning or a losing game. It is always a lose-lose situation for both. And if you are aware about Indian laws, you would know that getting a divorce in India is not easy. It takes years of litigation, administrative harassment and mental trauma to go through one. So, definitely not a decision one would take just for the heck of it. If two married people part ways, they always have their concrete reasons and no one can judge or even has the right to judge whether their reasons are right or wrong. Not one person has any inkling of what they have gone through together and what kind of relationship and emotional bonding exist or do not exist between them.

Now, coming to the other aspect in the post - fat shaming. I am at least 20 kgs overweight. I even have medical issues which are related to weight. And even though I am aware I should do something about it, I am not doing anything. Do you think I am not aware of all this? Of course, I am. How ones body fares is best know to the person themselves. What use is it telling it on their face or behind their backs? We have young generation who has conceived a very wrong idea of how their bodies should be; resulting in anorexia, eating disorders and what not. I and my family are very careful about what we tell my daughter about her eating habits and body shape. In my home, it is an unsaid rule to never call my daughter fat. We discuss healthy and unhealthy and never fat and thin.

L: Greek Goddess Aphrodite; R: Statue in Ajanta-Ellora Caves
(Source: Google search)

Just yesterday, me and my friends were talking about postnatal depression. Very often it is related to the changes in the body following childbirth. Women lose their confidence looking at the sudden weight gain, stretch marks, and bulges. This is not something that comes just on its own. I am no psychologist, but personally, I feel it has a lot to do with the body image and expectations that the society has created for women. And this should change. The entire mindset about how women's body only look good if they are slim and have a flat abdomen should be thwarted. Please go and check the ancient scriptures. Aphrodite, the Greek Goddess of love and beauty had enough bulges on her body and was considered the most beautiful woman in the universe. None of the figures in Ajanta and Ellora are stick thin. They are all curvaceous and gorgeous.

I recently read somewhere that "You shouldn't point out things about people's appearances if they can't fix it in ten seconds." I think it is a wonderful mantra to remember, follow and teach our kids too.

Single Moms: Some by choice and some perforce

I am a single mom. I have been so for 9 years now. And to be honest, it was really by choice because I decided that I was done with all the lies and arguments and mental torture. My daughter was a year and a half old when I walked out of my marriage and I have not repented my decision for a single moment since then. But was it an easy decision? No, it was not. I thought about my daughter's future. I even tried to patch up and went to a marriage counselor, just trying to find a way so that I could make my marriage work - just for the sake of my daughter. But it wasn't working out and I realized that my (now ex-) husband wasn't really a trustworthy person. Then, my marriage counselor said something to me which made me confident enough to take the final plunge. She told me, "Everyone advises you that you should reconcile with your husband for the sake of your child. But, you need to decide what is good for her. What do you think is better for her? Having both parents who don't trust each other or having one parent but who is happy and content in life? A home where people are always arguing or one which is peaceful and full of love?" That's when I decided to let go the useless efforts of reconciliation. I eventually filed for a divorce and after a long nasty fight lasting five years (because my ex-husband was not willing to pay child maintenance), I finally got a divorce.

One would wonder why I have described the above. Because I want to clear out the questions related to whether I thought about my daughter's future OR the questions related to whether I am happy to be divorced? Yes, I thought about my daughter's future A LOT and yes, I am happier than I was ever when I was married. I also want to highlight that I have really struggled and worked hard to attain my single status and I will not have it any other way now.

So, the point is that I am a single mom by choice. I have often talked about the kind of reactions I get when I tell about my status to anyone (you can read about that here and here). But, I also get some very good reactions, especially when it concerns my child. Some people are genuinely nice and they say some very warm and touching things. What I do get to hear a lot is, "You are doing a great job of being both a mom and a dad, balancing so many things alone. Hats off to you." I am always very touched and sometimes lost for words. I am really thankful for all such lovely words I have got time and again from people, but the truth is that I am not doing all that alone. I am not 100% involved with my daughter alone and she also has my mother who is there for her.

Image source: Google search

My mom is my biggest support system. She (and even my dad) have always been there for me. And if I had the confidence to take the decision of getting out of a miserable marriage, it was because they had my back. My mom looks after my daughter. It is because of her that I have a super life. I have a job that I love and where I spend close to 10-12 hours of my own free will; I have friends with whom I keep in touch (more virtually than in person though) and even though I may not have a super social always-out-in-the-evening-with-people kind of life, but I still have the kind of life where I can choose to travel, go out and do anything if I want to. I am super thankful to my mom for all that. And if I get complimented for being a great parent, I do realize that I am still just one of the parents, the other half role is played by my mom for me.

Coming back to the question of being a single mom. I also want to highlight that I have seen many single moms around me, quite a few of them living blissfully with their husbands in happy marriages. Happy Marriages? Why would I call them single moms then? Because their husbands hardly play any role in bringing up the kids. I have male friends who very proudly boast that they leave home in the morning and often times when they reach home, their kids are already asleep. I have male colleagues who never even are aware of their kids' progress in school, their tutions, their extra-curriculars, PTMs, or even their hobbies; everything being already superbly handled by their very nice wives (who often also take care of all their husbands needs and like the typical dutiful filmy wives, take out clothes for them every morning, pack their lunch boxes, serve hot dinner when their husbands come back home from work, etc.). And I have awesome female friends who are intelligent, well-educated and have given up their careers to be a full time mom because someone has to be there for the children. Or they take up such jobs as the ones which allow them to be back home by the time their kids are home (part-time jobs, just helping in family run businesses, school teacher jobs, etc.). I often wonder whether they are also not single moms? And they are single moms perforce. And to be fair to them, they don't even get appreciated for their 'mommy skills' the way some of the single moms like me get appreciated. Let's give a shout out to such wonderful moms who are doing a great job, maybe even better than me or others like me.

Some years back, I had had a chance to attend a meet-and-greet session with Kiran Bedi. Now, no one can deny that Kiran Bedi is a role model for many ladies because of all her wonderful achievements, especially during her stint in the police force. But, it also cannot be denied that to accomplish what she has accomplished, she did have to stay away from her family and daughter even at times when the child might have needed her. I had asked Ms. Bedi the exact question as to how she balanced her job and role as a mother especially during those critical formative years of her daughter's development. She told me that she had (much like me) her mother as her support system and her daughter was almost single-handedly brought up by her mother. Then, she gave an advice to all the women out there. She told them that we women need to have a support system to bring up our kids, without which it is not possible. This support system could be our families, our husbands, or parents, or parents-in-law; and if not, some external support system that we can trust, like some day-care, or a maid, or baby-sitters. She stressed that women should never be afraid to ask for help if they need it. It's for their own and their children's sake. And last but not the least, women should over-come the guilt of not doing everything for their children themselves. It is impossible to be always hands on with that. Moreover, it is more important to be happy and content with your own life because if you are happy and content in your life, you will automatically bring up happy and cheerful children even when you are not around them 100% of the time. Actually I have never forgotten that. This one single advice from Ms. Bedi has immensely helped me in my life, not just in overcoming the guilt of reaching out to my mother whenever I need her help, but also in deeply appreciating everything she does for me.

Raising our sons in the age of Feminism!

We talk about women empowerment but we only address one half of the equation. When we teach our daughters to conquer the world, why don’t we teach our sons that it is okay to be a stay-at-home father, to cook or to express emotions?

For at least a generation now – especially in urban India and educated middle-class families – we have raised our girls to be confident and fight for their rights. But we seem to have ignored an entire generation of boys who were not told anything about how their sisters were changing. While we gave our daughters new ideals and role models, no one bothered to tell their brothers that they ought to change too!

Girls drive two-wheelers and cars. It is considered an essential life skill. You can often hear dads proudly proclaiming that their daughters can drive very well indeed and they don’t need a father/husband/brother to take them anywhere.

Source: Google Image Search

However, boys were never taught that cooking is an essential life skill. You don’t see parents proudly saying that their son can cook and doesn’t need a mother/wife/sister to feed him (and keep him alive!).

We don’t tell our sons that it is okay for them to be paid less than their wives or stay at home to take care of the kids while their spouses continue to work.

Men want to marry a working woman (in theory) but are completely unprepared for the practical reality of a marriage where both partners work. It means doing the dishes or supervising the maid when your wife has a report to complete, it means taking half the day off to take care of your sick son because your wife has an important presentation. It may even mean giving up a promotion or moving to a new city for your spouse’s career.

Because we don’t tell our sons all this, they continue to expect that their wife will automatically give up the job/promotion/transfer in favour of the family whereas they will never have to take a step back from their own careers.

Boys are still raised the way they were for the last many generations.

Women are upset that dinner – and the house, kids, in-laws, maid – is still their responsibility while the men don’t know what they did wrong. After all, they ‘allow’ their wives to work, what more do they want?

Let us not only empower women, but also prepare men to set their expectations right.

Source: Received on WhatsApp as a forwarded message but it, word-to-word, resonates with me and confirms to my belief about how we should be bringing up our kids. I probably could not have framed this better.

Seven things we can learn from children

Today is Children's Day in India. I have been seeing everyone sharing happy messages of their childhood since morning and it makes me wonder how come we lost all that charm all too soon. I think back and wonder how our childhood was all about innocence and playfulness; about joy and freedom. And yet it all eludes us now as grown ups. So, I grabbed a pen and paper and quickly jotted down what I would like to bring back from my childhood.

I made a list - a list of seven things we adults can learn from children. Here we go:

1. Be happy without reason

Children do not really need any reason to be happy. Just a smile can trigger off a laughathon. Just a touch of the finger-tip can set in a rally of tickling game. A funny scene in a movie can lead to raptures that continue well after the movie is over. A witty comment, a joke is enough to brighten the atmosphere. They don't plan their happiness. They don't think, "I'll be happy when this happens." They just are happy.

2. Forgive and forget

The kids don't keep grudges. They fight, they make-up, and they move on. No kid will remind you weeks later that you fought with me that day and this is what you had said. They won't tell you, "Oh! You hurt me when you did this." They simply get over it. And that is the reason they sleep peacefully.

3. Get over guilt

They make mistakes - as all humans do. They feel sorry too - as all humans do. But just as they don't linger on grudges, they don't linger on guilt either. They move on. They apologise and when the apology is accepted, they forget all about the incident itself. And guess what, they sometimes make the same mistakes again. But at least by harbouring no guilt, they keep the innocence alive.

4. Live in the moment

The children don't dwell in the past. They don't worry about their future. All they are concerned with is their present. They feel the feeling they are having that moment - be it joy, or sorrow, or anxiety, whatever. They just go with the flow! They just have a buoyant free spirit that is not bound by the shackles of past failures and future uncertainties. 

5. Wonder

I have quoted this earlier on numerous occasions and I will quote this again: There are no seven wonders in the eyes of a child; there are seven million. They find something exciting and beautiful in everything they see. The gorging fat caterpillar in the garden gets them all excited. Sitting in a train is an experience to cherish. A yard full of dandelions may seem like weeds to an adult; but to a child, it is a field of beautiful yellow flowers through which he/she can make thousand wishes. A paper boat on water is as wondrous as the huge ship in the sea.

6. Believe in magic

When was the last time you believed that Santa would grant your wish? When was the last time you believed that a four leaved clover will bring you good luck? When we were kids, we would see a pair of sparrows and earnestly believed that we await 'joy' that day. And then we would single out all happy instances during an otherwise normal day and attribute it to the two birds. Simply because we believed in the power of those birds. We believed in fairies and we believed in angels. We believed in magic and we believed in prayer. And all in all, these beliefs made our lives beautiful.

7. Fool around sometimes

Children have the most amazing ability to be carefree and merry. They allow themselves the freedom to appear like a fool. They can jump on the bed or splash into a puddle or even strip down to nothing and run through the neighbourhood without a care in the world. They don't try to be so darn perfect all of the time. And they don't worry about what the onlookers will think or say. Any other person's opinion does not matter as long as they are having fun.

I think sometimes we adults need to revisit our childhood and 'reboot our systems to these default settings' to enjoy life. How about doing it today? How about doing it every year on Children's Day? Let's bring back our inner children out every year this day and enjoy life once again.

Image source: Google image search

I am my father’s daughter

From simple things like loving songs with Punjabi flavour,

Image Source: Google search

To securing a seat behind the wheel;
From not spending the weekends at home,
To enjoying a sumptuous Indian meal.
My likes and dislikes are same as his;
So are my quirks.
I am my father’s daughter,
And for me it works.

They tell me I am a strong person.
They tell me I am a fighter.
They tell me I don’t get stirred,
Even when my challenges get tougher.
They don’t know this yet,
But I can tell them now.
I am my father’s daughter,
They won’t be surprised if they knew.

Never the one to back-off,
Never the one to fear.
No matter what lies ahead;
Bring it on, my dear.
That was the kind of man he was,
That is what I aspire to.
I am my father’s daughter,
And a damn proud one too.

© Nishtha Khurana, 2016. All rights reserved.

Let’s change the way the world treats daughters AND SONS!

I am a daughter too. But I was given a beautiful environment to grow up in. I was never ever made to feel any different from anyone else. There is a difference when someone is brought up in a secure and loved environment. I grew up to be an independent person who looked at everyone with an equal eye. And as I was growing up, I thought it was so everywhere but reality is so different. Because then I came out of the shelter and walked the streets of my city. 

Any girl who has ever walked the streets of a city (any city and not just the ones in India though the Indian cities are quite notorious) will understand what ‘prowling eyes’ mean and even what groping feels like. I am sure every woman in any part of the world has encountered that flasher when they travel to school or have been greeted with catcalls when they have gone anywhere unescorted. Even I did. Then there were those who would accidentally brush past you. If anyone mustered the courage to complain, they would look at you with a glint in the eye and have the guts to say, ‘Go on, tell everyone what happened’. It is disgusting.

Girls are asked a thousand questions, boys are not asked to explain anything. Don’t you think it’s time to change that? I would say that the need to feel safe is everyone’s right. No one is anyone’s property. And no one should be made to feel that way either. We need to start doing things differently. First and foremost, talk about eve teasing and groping openly. No one should hesitate to ‘tell everyone what happened’. And everyone needs to tell the girls so. Tell them that it is alright to not take harassment face down. Tell them that it is those who harass you who should feel ashamed and not you. Children learn by observing adult behaviour. Gender stereotypes have to be broken right then.

And most importantly, have a conversation with your sons. An open and honest conversation. Explain to them the concept of consent. Tell them that it’s not ‘cool’ to lust at girls. Respecting them is much ‘cooler’ – respecting them just as they respect fellow boys. Tell them catcalls will not get them anywhere worthy in life. Tell them that all human beings are equal and have equal place in the sun. Don’t we all tell all this to our daughter’s nowadays? Why can’t we tell the same thing to our sons?

As Gloria Steinem puts it, “We've begun to raise daughters more like sons... but few have the courage to raise our sons more like our daughters.” That exactly is the need of the hour.

Let’s change the way the world treats daughters AND SONS!

Whoever said marks are 'not important' is wrong!!

The 12th class results are just out. Last few months, there have been campaigns on social media and FMs trying to tell the kids that marks are NOT IMPORTANT. While the intent is clearly to not put pressure on kids and encourage parents to not do the same, it is not exactly true that marks are not important.

The marks are not EVERYTHING, but they still do matter.

It is true that not everybody can come on top and even kids with average marks do well in life most of the time; eventually making successful careers for themselves. There are far too many examples in my life where I have seen average students excel in their careers and make something good and comfortable for themselves. But you cannot deny that having a good academic result saves you a lot of struggle. I'm a live example of the same.

By God's grace, I had a good result in my XII grade. I went to SRCC and completed my CA at the age of 22 years itself. My good academics easily got me through in one of the Big4s. Due to some personal reasons, I had to quit working an year later. After a four year gap if I got a break, that too a fairly decent one, it was only because of my academic background. So whoever tells me that marks really don't decide your career graph, I would like to differ and correct them that they do. What they don't decide is whether you are capable or not of making a career of yourself. Hard work can always compensate for lower marks later in life provided you keep a positive attitude in life.

To me, the issue is all about differentiating between "motivating kids to get good marks" and "pressurising kids to get good marks". But there's a thin line between the two. How you get the point across is what matters.

I belong to a family that believes in carrots more than sticks when it comes to studies. (Well, sometimes sticks are used as well but only in extreme cases.) When I had topped my school about 18 years back, I remember a journalist interviewing me. She asked me basic questions like how I prepared for the exams, how many hours of study did I put in, etc. And I, despite all my excitement, gave very insipid answers. (Maybe that's why they never published my interview). In the end, she asked me, "Did you ever think of committing a suicide?" I was shocked, "Hell, no!" "Did your parents ever tell you that you need to get this much percentage?" "Well, I knew they expected me to do my best. But percentage and marks were never discussed." "What did they say to you?" "They always said that you're on your own when it comes to your further studies and career. We don't have any contacts where we could promise you to get into a college / course or a job. So do your best and leave the rest to God. Good things happen to those who work hard" Now that I look back, I am very proud of my parents for encouraging me and my sisters without creating any daunting pressure on us. I hope when the time comes, I am able to handle the situation with as much maturity.

So, the point that I want to make here is that we need to tell our kids that marks are important but they are not the end of the world. If they are scared, calm them down and tell them, "You do your best and leave the rest to God."

Shouldn't technology use be logical as well?

(Photo courtesy: HT)

Two days a go, I read an article about a 72-year old lady and a 79-year old man becoming parents to a baby boy through the in-vitro fertilisation (IVF-test tube) technique, wherein the eggs and sperm are fertilised outside the womb, in a test tube. There have been other such cases too. In another case in 2006 - a good ten years back - a 70-year old lady had successfully delivered a baby girl through IVF. And in 2008, a 66-year old lady had given birth to triplets - two boys and a girl.

This couple was desperate for a child and this is nothing short of a miracle in the medical world. The doctors must be like God to this couple and one can only imagine their joy at the eventual parenthood. But, despite all, I feel sorry - I feel sorry for the child. It makes no sense at all to have a child and then not be able to give him a normal childhood. 

I am a mother of a 9-year old, and I can give a solid testimony to how much effort and hard work it requires nowadays to raise a normal, active and enterprising child. And no matter how healthy you are, a 70 or 80-year old cannot match the energies of a parent in his or her 30s. You have to run errands like car pools to various activities. You have to use technologies like Google and Wikipedia to help them with studies and school projects. You have keep on your toes for very basic things as teaching your child to cycle or play badminton or even climb a bouncy. I wonder how these poor parents, who would be 80 and 90 year olds by the time the child turns 10 even, keep up.

I feel pity for the child not just because he might lag behind in all these activities that all other children will take up and all children deserve to take up but also because he just might suffer with low self esteem not being able to match up to his peers. I also feel sorry for the child because even before he grows up, he just might end up as the carer for two people in their very advanced age. And nothing could be more devastating that the burden of this responsibility before he evens understands the same.

May God bless this couple with a long life, and let's not even go into the scenario where he might end up as an orphan even before he is mature enough to handle himself. That would be really sad. I hope the child otherwise has good-hearted and helpful relatives very close to him to help him have a normal childhood. God bless little Arman Singh and may all his 'Arman' come true!

Giving the gift of knowledge!

There are some issues I feel very strongly about. My friends know that I talk about women’s issues and child abuse. But, only my very close friends and family know how strongly I feel about education. I have been extremely privileged to get a very good education thanks to my parents’ efforts. I went to a top convent school in Delhi; I went to the top most commerce college in Asia; I was blessed by God to sail through Chartered Accountancy at the young age of 22 and then I also topped a private university in Germany during my Masters. At the risk of sounding immodest, that’s an academic record I’m really proud of. But, the importance of it all actually dawned on me when after a failed marriage including a sabbatical from a happening career, I was struggling to get back on my feet. If there was a single most important factor that got me back on my career path (apart from my family’s undaunting support), it had to be my education. Moreover, I also see my education as much more than just academic records for me. My schooling had shaped my personality, developed my character and taught me the skills required to be a proud self-reliant girl. This education goes far beyond curriculum books. It is shaped through immersing yourself in experiences of others that you only get to know through their written words, namely, books (primarily other than course books) and through your own mind which knows how to think. They both coupled together take you to a world which is far beyond your limited four walls – a world where imagination soars and the learning is limitless. This is all-round development and certainly the kind of all-round development that I wish all children in our country and in our world are able to get.


My previous company was very active in terms of corporate social responsibility. Apart from volunteering activities, there was an initiative called “Give as you earn” (GAYE) in which we committed to part with a portion of our salary every month – could be as little as Rs. 100 without any upper limit – for transfer to our chosen charities (out of a long list of charities). Apart from the occasional guilt of it being ‘too easy’ and not needing any effort from your side, it was a convenient way to give back to the society. When I changed jobs, my current company did not and still does not have too much of corporate social responsibility initiatives on its platter. To be fair to the company, it is a new set-up and a growing one right now. But, despite off and on monetary contributions to some charities, I had this on my mind as to figure out a way to give back to the society, preferably to help in spread of knowledge to the next generation.


Then as part of casual conversation, a friend suggested that lets open an NGO and do something for the society. I liked the idea but was a little sceptical. An NGO is a huge responsibility. So, I suggested that why don’t we start with baby steps and if we are able to sustain and grow, we can think of forming an NGO as well. And just impulsively I had an idea: there are many charitable schools running for the underprivileged but they are only able to fulfil their basic needs. Why not provide them with something extra? Why not start contributing books per month – even if just two books per month – to the school other than the course books? With six people (that was the strength of our core group of friends), with two books per month, we can have a total of 144 books in a year and actually they will have a kind of library. Eventually it isn’t even about money because you get to choose the books that fit into your budget.


I even remembered a school for underprivileged students in my neighbourhood called Vishwas Vidyalaya and made it a point to check it out. A basic Google search, a phone call and a short visit later, the initiative which we now call “Mission Vishwas” was born. Apart from the six of us, I managed to get two more people on board and we not only donated books but we even donated sports equipment to the school (cricket set, pairs of badminton rackets, footballs, Frisbee). Today I’m visiting the school for yet another monthly contribution of books. Actually, these small visits have slowly become the highlight of my month as I always make it a point to come myself (often with my daughter and sometimes with a friend and a fellow contributor).

But I’ll be honest. I’m slightly concerned about the direction this little initiative is going into. The contributions have been dwindling slightly even though its just the start. And though that troubles me, I feel that one cannot force charity. So, I have ended up increasing my own contributions to at least keep up the pace. I’ve gone from 3 books to 6 books and now to 18 books this month. I’m extremely proud that we have – in a short span of barely four months – been able to add 99 books to the empty room they called a Library and added quite a few sports equipment to the other empty room they called Sports centre. Actually, this whole initiative is so close to my heart now that I just know I will continue as long as I can even if I’m the only one contributing to the school. But now me and a friend of mine are taking it upon ourselves to mobilize more people to contribute.


P.S. Like I said, we have decided to mobilize more people to join in. I personally would like to reach out to my fellow pacters and use the pact to mobilize generous people with similar thought process who would like to join in the cause. In case anyone is interested to know more about it and help this little school, please feel free to get in touch with me directly or join my Facebook Group created for this initiative by the name of “Mission Vishwas” (https://www.facebook.com/groups/783414818407522/?ref=bookmarks). We DO NOT take any monetary contributions and / or fix any min. limit or value of your contributions. It is only books – and any books other than curriculum books – appropriate for students of a Hindi Medium school from class Nursery to Eighth. Moreover, if anyone in Gurgaon / NCR can devote time and volunteer to help slow / new students come up the curve with existing class, it would be very helpful. Even if you choose to contribute directly, it is equally welcome and appreciable. Please feel free to check out the website: http://www.vishwasindia.org/index.html.

Moulding our children right

A few days ago, I was travelling in the Delhi Metro. It’s not very often that I do so and this particular time the metro was jam packed and I almost felt crushed. And when you have a long route to cover you either read something, play with your phone or when there’s no seat and no space to move, you end up observing people around you. So, while I stood dwindling with the flow of the metro, two ladies and a small girl of 8-9 years sat in front of me. Almost instantly the girl asked one of the ladies for something to drink. The lady irked a bit at being disturbed between her gossip ritual, quickly opened her bag and gave her a glass with a lid. The kid opened the lid and drank some sips of buttermilk. She sat there with the glass in her hand until there was a jerk. Out splashed a few drops of buttermilk and they would have landed right over me had my reflexes not worked super-fast to move away my foot. She looked at me for a few minutes as did the two ladies. But none of them apologized. She then closed the lid and handed the glass back to the lady. The mother quickly kept it in her bag and continued talking about her mother-in-law to the other lady. After a few minutes the kid whispered something else in her mother’s ears, apparently for something to eat. Now, had I been in the same situation, I would have explained to my daughter, who incidentally is the same age, that eating and drinking is not allowed in the Delhi Metro. But not this lady. She was too keen on not being disturbed by her little girl’s banter. So, she candidly took out a whole packet of candies and handed it over to the girl. First candy went into her mouth and the wrapper landed right next to my feet. In a minute, the second candy and its wrapper followed the same route. Next moment when the third candy came out, I politely said to the girl, “Beta, this little bag that you are carrying… Why don’t you put the wrappers in that and throw them in the dustbin when you get off?” The child looked at me cluelessly while the mother glared at me as if marvelling at my audacity. “Metro aapke baap ki hai?” she asked me rudely. “Nahin sabki hai!” I answered coolly. “Vaise bhi metro mein khaana-peena mana hai. Fine bhi hai.” Luckily for me the three ladies next to me were by now staring at the lady. So, she chose not to inflate the issue, took the candies from her daughter and said audibly, “Rakh le beta, logon ko yahaan bekaar mein problem ho jaati hai.” A few steps from me a lady, must be my age, had been munching on a packet of Kurkure. She pretended not to hear the conversation but acted as if she was satiated and folded the half-eaten packet and kept it inside her bag. An elderly lady and I noticed and exchanged a smile. 

I was also reminded of a similar incident about an year and a half back. My mother and daughter were to arrive at Delhi from Mangalore and the train was late. So, I was waiting at the Nizammudin Railway Station platform for almost an hour. A group of people consisting of at least four couples and as many children somewhat in the age group of 5 – 15 years occupied a nearby bench. While the men stood at a distance, the ladies were seated on the bench with luggage lying next to them and children chatting, playing and circling around them. The entire one hour that I stood there, the ladies and the kids were munching on junk and throwing wrappers around them. Every now and then, one of the kids would go to the nearby kiosk and get a few packets of namkeen and they would open and pass them around. I noticed a huge dustbin attached to the bench where they were sitting and one next to the kiosk too. In fact there were many of them all around us, at every few steps. I also noticed huge signs all around requesting people to throw the waste in the dustbins. Yet these kids and mothers just threw all the wrappers on the floor right where they were sitting and eating. After noticing them for about 45 minutes, my patience gave up and I walked over to the two-three kids nearby and asked, “Beta, why don’t you throw the waste in the dustbin? There’s one right next to you. Is that not what you are taught in school?” They all suddenly fell silent and the ladies’ chatter halted for a minute. A little girl retreated to her mother and I continued to look at the face of a boy who must have been around 14-15 years old. He did not challenge me but looked affronted. He did not pick a wrapper and instead kicked the one next to his feet towards the dustbin. The kids who did not bat an eyelid while throwing that stuff on the floor, suddenly felt it beneath them to pick it up and throw it in the dustbin. My point was made and I stepped back as they murmured amongst themselves about me while jerking their heads. The girl who had retreated to her mother, now ran towards her father and recounted what happened, supposedly in a whisper but loud enough for phrases to travel all the way and reach my ears. As she pointed a finger towards me, her father looked at me even as I stood at a distance and looked at him and his daughter. “Theek toh keh rahi hain Aunty. School mein sikhaate hain naa?” he asked and he came forward and picked one single wrapper and threw it in the dustbin even as all others continued to lie around their feet. 

In both these incidents, I couldn't help thinking how I would have taught my daughter differently and acted out the situation in another way. But, surprisingly, not many parents realize how important it is to supplement the textbook information about good conduct in the live environment. The kids learn in school about keeping their environment clean, saving electricity and water, respecting elders, following rules, not hurting animals, etc. but how will they retain it when the daily conduct of people around them is absolute opposite? I have very consciously changed my conduct ever since my daughter was born. I make sure she puts waste aside and throws it in the dustbin; she stands at a distance when someone is using an ATM, talking on a counter like ordering food etc.; we never break traffic rules, pluck plants, throw stones at cows or dogs, etc.; and always observe Earth Hour. My daughter often questions me, “Nobody else is doing this. Why us?” and my reply is very simple, “Because we must ensure that we are at our best behaviours and we do the right thing even if others don’t.” But the fact remains that many parents don’t follow the same logic. 

I do believe that parents should mould their kids well right from the start, including 

1. Teaching good manners: ‘Please’, ‘Sorry’ and ‘Thank you’ are the very basics which parents should practice as well as preach. Giving your seat to a more needy person; offering what you are eating to others around you; being courteous to guests; and putting other family members before yourself. These are general virtues kids learn at home. 

2. Teaching empathy: Little gestures about talking politely to the cleaning lady and the restaurant waiter helps. Children are always observing. Keep a bowl of water for the birds. They would like that we are helping the birds in the summers. It’s a good idea to include your kids in a kind gesture like charity. They will learn well even with small steps. 

3. Teaching equality: In today’s world, we all love our sons and daughters well and it’s a common saying that “we are bringing up our daughter like our son.” We teach our young daughters about good touch, bad touch and elder ones about what all to do to keep oneself safe. How many parents talk to their sons about consent? Also, are all of us 100% sure that the environment in our home gives equal respect and place to the men and women in the house or are women, though not openly disrespected maybe, always take second priority after the husbands and fathers? If so, we are unconsciously making them believe that the males are more important than females and that the latter have to adjust to accommodate former. 

4. Teaching respect: Kids will not learn how to respect others until the parents do not respect their elders AND their kids. My parents always referred to us as “Aap” and never “Tu” or “Tum”. Me and my sisters are following the same with the next generation and I hope they learn about respect the same way we did. 

5. Teaching discipline: Like I said above, following traffic rules; following school rules; maintaining a decent distance in queues; not disturbing neighbours in cinema halls; following a routine like early to bed and early to rise; all these and more will help them grow up as more responsible children. 

I’m not saying that all parents nowadays are not aware of their responsibilities towards their children, but maybe a culture has been ingrained deeply in us where we do not follow what we preach. Like they say, “Everyone talks about leaving a better planet for our kids. How about leaving better kids for our planet?” 

A big shout out to the special needs parents!

Off late I have met a few special needs kids and have somehow read a few posts on the net about special needs kids and their parents (and I cringe to even think that writing posts about such a sensitive subject is one of the latest fads... I hope it's not!) There have been a few thoughts in my mind about that and I thought it best to put those down.

 To anyone reading this, I want to make it clear beforehand that I do not have any idea about what a special needs family goes through on a day-to-day basis. I can imagine that it's slightly difficult than what us all go through. But, I would just say that I feel the following about a special needs kid / parents and a 'typical' kid / parents:

1. I do feel that a special needs kid and a 'typical' kid is after all a kid first. (That's why I say 'typical' and not 'normal' because even a special needs kid is a normal kid.) It does not help to distinguish between the two or treat them any differently. Personally my interaction with a special needs kid is not much different than with a normal kid. I do not see the point in making them feel any different that others (not different, not special - just normal). Same goes with my interaction with their parents. They do not need any sympathy or a kind word. They love their kid just as much as we love ours and nobody sympathises with one for being a parent to a child. So, if someone thinks I was rude because I did not demonstrate enough empathy, please feel free to think that I am a heartless person. I have anyway never given two hoots for anybody's opinion about me.

2. I have been told that being a special needs parents is not easy. I feel that being a parent itself is not easy. I haven't seen a single kid that has come to this world with an instruction manual. We all learn as we embark on this journey. We deal with everyday experiences as parents. All kids - both special needs and 'typical' - go through good days and bad days, emotional turmoil, growing up pains, and everything imaginable in human existence. All parents feel angry, upset, tired, weak, cranky, irritated, exhausted at various times and it's okay. We come around anyway because we are parents and we love our kids.

3. People tell me that special needs parents learn to celebrate little milestones and achievements and everyday miracles. Trust me when I say that we all do that and special needs parents and other parents are not any different in their celebration of their kids. I cry all the time for my daughter - and I am not even the person who ever cried in any movie, novels, TV series etc. until my daughter was born. But now, I get emotional all the time. I cry all the time. My daughter's joys, her pain, her success, her failure, her insecurities, her confidence, her little accomplishments - I cry for all of them. Even the joys and sorrows of other kids like when I see reality shows in which kids are participating and those annual award giving ceremonies where I am surrounded by all proud parents - they all make me emotional. And its not any different for special needs parents. The only difference is in the thresholds of our expectations for our kids. Some have higher expectations and others have lower. But, again it is okay because it has nothing to do with whether the kid is special needs or 'typical'. Each kid is different anyway and the expectations too differ and should differ accordingly.

4. I am told that special needs parents suffer because they feel disappointed when they compare their kids with other kids. Let me be very clear on this one specially. It never helps to compare one's child to others. It's not only happening to special needs parents. It happens to almost all parents. Every parent feels disappointed about something or the other when they compare their kid to any other kid. That other kid is just as unique as your own. He / she is bound to have something that your kid doesn't just as your own kid is bound to have something unique that the other kids don't. My genuine advice is never compare your kid to any other kid. Celebrate your child's uniqueness and give them an environment to flourish without influencing them with anything that their peers do.

5. Special needs parents deal daily with grief which other parents know nothing about. This may be true to an extent. But, I want to say that it's okay too. I read somewhere that “Grieving the losses is not incompatible with celebrating the triumphs.” This is so true. And it's not like other parents don't have troubles of their own. Just like every child's gifts are unique, every parents troubles and griefs are unique too. Some parents struggle with daily routines for various reasons (lack of support, for instance) while some secretly mourn the childhood their child would not have. Then again there are others who leave their kids in the care of others so as to earn their daily breads and miss the simple childhood joys each child bestows on his / her parents. Let's not forget that life is a tightrope walk anyway and no matter what some people harp about, nobody in this world has it all. We all have our share of challenges. It's natural to have heartbreaks and sadness. We need to learn to acknowledge these feelings just as much as we acknowledge our joys and happiness. Give them time, let them settle and then move on. Who knows what's in store at the next corner on your journey of parenthood?

So, if the next time I am told that I should have been more 'sensitive' towards a special needs child and his / her parent, I will not mince my words to tell them that they are being 'insensitive' to them by treating them any differently than any of us. We talk about inclusion but inclusion is not about demonstrating empathy and politeness; inclusion is about completely ignoring the need for any empathy and politeness.

My wish for you, my child!

My wish for you is that you blossom into a strong, confident and independent person. I wish you to stand tall in this world and to learn to depend on yourself. I wish you to find your passion and have trust in yourself so that you can learn to rise after every failure and not rest until you have achieved what you want in life. I wish you to not depend on money or material things for your happiness, but to learn to appreciate the people who love you, the simple beauty that God gave you and to find peace and security within yourself. I wish you to learn to give and earn respect, and above all respect yourself so that you can hold strong to your convictions. I wish you to learn grace, integrity and humility because these are the seeds of greatness.

Lost Generation!!

The Last Time!!

A beautiful poem by Taryn McLean:

Parent... Teacher... Learner...

The poem below was shared by my daughter's school. I found it really nice and meaningful, so sharing it here.


Being a parent has been a journey
A journey of teaching
A journey of learning
A journey of re-discovering myself

I know I have so much more……
So much more to explore
So much more to share
So much more of myself to give

I seek to find a new path to learning……
Learning to be a better guide
Learning to be a better friend
Learning to be a better role model.

I am a Parent …I am a Teacher…. I am a Learner

There is a teacher in every parent
There is a learner in every parent
Parenting… the journey of learning and teaching

When Humanity died...

Yes, you guessed it right. This post is about the barbaric attack on a school in Peshawar by Taliban. And I have no words to even condemn it. I had tears in my eyes when I read the newspaper this morning. My emotions brim out when I read people condemning it on social media. No, there are no words that can say in exact terms how so very cowardly and condemnable the attack is.

Yesterday in the middle of a day long training, I opened Facebook on my phone for a breather and saw updates from people condemning the Taliban attack on a school in Peshawar. I instantly felt nauseated. But, then I did not have the luxury to dwell upon it yesterday. Then, in the evening there were messages from concerned mother's of my daughter's school mates questioning whether they should talk to the school authorities to brace up security to tackle such insane attacks. I was surprised. I could understand that they were also affected by the news, but what my mind could not understand - can never understand - is how can one be prepared for such an attack. How can one even imagine such barbarianism from anyone?

Children are the most innocent souls in the world. Does that make them easy targets? Probably yes. And these religious fanatics? Does their religion tell them to kill children? If for one instance, I even believe that all their 'Jihad' is the word of God, or their Prophet, and they should kill all 'Kafirs', I still don't understand how children could be branded as 'Kafirs'.

I am deeply disturbed. It matters not whether they were Pakistani, or Muslims, or Mujahids, or kids of the same army personnel who have fought against my own country. What matters is that they were kids. They didn't know any better. They didn't even understand your war. They deserved to know more, to grow up, to see the world, to see life, to bring smiles to their parents, to make them proud, to... well, I can go on. But, the words that ring in my mind are that they will never come back to their parents now. And their grades won't matter, and their little mischiefs would be deeply missed, and their loud noises will never be required to be suppressed, and their shrieks of laughter will never break the silence of their homes, and everything will go on in the world and Talibans war will continue but the lives of their parents would be forever incomplete.

It's true when they say: "The smallest coffins are the HEAVIEST!"

Every child is gifted...

Today is the time of cut-throat competition. We see people at work-places trying to be one-up that their colleagues at all times. However, I feel that people don't try to be as competitive in the workplace as they are in their parenting. It's a rat-race out there actually and everyone is trying to prove to an invisible someone that they are the best parent in the world. No-one is immune and somewhere or the other in varied degrees we are all in the same boat including me.

In fact, success at work even gives more gas to this phenomenon. This may probably be for the following reasons: (1) Working parents try to overcome their guilt conscience by demonstrating that they are actually working so hard and being so career minded so that they can bring up their children better, provide them with better facilities and give them all that they ask for. They want their kids to be the most accomplished of the lot. (Whenever I hear the term 'accomplished', I am reminded of the 18th century writings by Jane Austen whereby the women who drew, knitted, read books, played the piano and did 2 or 3 other things were considered highly accomplished.) (2) People have found a new way to show-off their "improved standard of living" when they brag about their kids going to high-end costly schools and 3-4 extra-curricular activities outside school hours. They want to tell the world, "listen... I can afford to give my kids this luxury." They hear other parents talk about their kids learning contemporary dance and tennis and swimming; then how could their child be far behind?

In the end, we are all moulding our kids in 1 generic pre-defined mould without giving them the space to grow on their own and the way they want. We compare the kids with their peers. We tell them that your so-and-so classmate can draw so beautifully, why don't you practice a little more. "Look at him, how well she writes. You need to brush up your creative writing skills. Let me see if there are some classes available." And it goes on and on. We all want our kids to be exemplary orators, comfortable and confident on stage and beyond. We want them to be best calligraphers and great thinkers all of them the next Salman Rushdie or Arundhati Roy in the making. We want them all excelling in dramatics, dance, instrumental music, martial arts, sports, and this and that and everything. We ourselves are not able to decide what we want our kids to be and we certainly do not give our kids the leverage to decide for themselves what they want to do and what they do not want to do. We talk about peer pressure on kids when we hear our kids say "Mom, my friend is learning this and I also want to do it." But, we forget that we only have developed this psychology in our kids where they look around and see others by comparing our kids to others.

What we don't focus on is that every child has his or her capabilities. And why only capabilities? They all have their own interests. A child may be really good at sports but his/her interest may lie in literature. But, then we will tell them, "no, sports is very important and you should focus there instead of reading these stupid fiction". Traditionally also, people have always forced kids to study and get good grades trying to fill in their minds with fears like "not everyone can become a Sachin Tendulkar. A cricket team has only 11 players and all the rest find it difficult to run their homes if they opt for sports over studies. So, focus on studies and make a decent career as a doctor, engineer or an accountant." We focus on what is a better option by looking at what pays and not what the child wants. And since every parent is thinking like that, it becomes a herd mentality and everyone starts focussing on the same stuff. The stuff that brings bucks.

We forget that any person will thrive and bloom best in something that they enjoy doing and not in something that gets them more money. The thrill of getting a fat pay cheque in your account is short-lived but the daily excitement and enthusiasm of doing something that you love doing is priceless and forever. Shouldn't we let our kids enjoy the sunshine and try every experience that they want to. Let them choose what they want to do and encourage and nurture their interests widely. How does it matter if the neighbour's daughter is learning salsa as well as instrumental music? If my daughter just wants to take her cycle out in the garden in the evenings and that gives her happiness, why should we insist in taking up an activity. If my son doesn't enjoy colouring and drawing, why should I insist in him practicing more just because he got a grade lower than most kids in his class. Maybe he got a good grade in another subject which another child might not enjoy as much. Or even if my child did not get a top grade in any activity, does that mean that my child is not capable of anything? Why should grades and levels decide a child's capability?

I look back at my life and I notice that I wasn't a top student in junior school. I struggled with Maths and languages. But later, I became a top scorer in both with almost 100% scores in Maths. Later in life, say in high school, I developed a flair for art and writing. I was good at painting and wrote good poetry and small articles. But, over the years, again my interests changed again and I took on to reading and blogging. Similarly, I believe every child has interests which are developed later and / or which keep changing. Let me call them their gifts which they are lying there untouched. They reach out to them when they feel like and then they cannot be prevented from opening it.

So, to conclude, we as parents need not fret over what our kids are not doing but other kids are doing and we should always remember that: Every child is gifted. They just unwrap their packages at different times.

I won't be this small, Mummy

I found this beautiful poem on the Internet. Now, when my daughter is over 7 years old and has outgrown the below kiddie characteristics (well, if you discount supermarket tantrums though), I can absolutely relate to this.

I won't always cry, Mummy
When you leave the room
And my supermarket tantrums
Will end too soon.

I won't always wake, Mummy
For cuddles through the night
And one day you will miss
Having a chocolate face to wipe.

You won't always wake to find my foot
Is kicking you out of bed
Or find me sideways on your pillow
Where you want to lay your head.

You won't always have to carry me
In asleep from the car
Or piggy back me down the road
When my little legs can't walk that far.

So cherish every cuddle
Remember them all
One day, Mummy
I won't be this small.

- Anonymous