Women should support women

​I was having a discussion today with a junior at work, a girl who I had started interacting with recently. We discuss a lot of work-related stuff, and she often comes to me for advice. Today she told me, “Ma’am, I love talking to you as you always encourage me and give me practical advice. Otherwise, my experience with female bosses and peers have never been good and sometimes I feel that many women are vicious with other women even when they support men at their workplace.”

Image source: Google search

 That got me thinking. Even my experience with female bosses and colleagues has been mixed, much like my experience with male bosses and colleagues; but I guess this hurts more because one would assume that being someone in the same shoes, the other woman would be more supportive. After all, a woman should know another woman’s struggle, right? And yet, it doesn’t happen like that. Even I had a female boss who would shout or even insult me for every small thing while she wouldn’t be as spiteful with my male colleagues; not even when one of my colleagues made a blunder costing the company huge losses. I used to think, is the patriarchy so ingrained in her that she finds it so difficult to raise a voice against the men while she finds it so very convenient to do so against women?

Even outside workplace, this is a common scenario. I have seen Family courts are full of female judges who favour husbands in domestic violence cases. And I am not talking about exceptions here, because every woman who has gone to a family court to seek redressal has felt the same. Right from husband’s availability being given more importance than wife’s for the next date to the wife being told “thoda bardasht karna seekho (learn to endure a little)”, I have seen it all. I remember once I had seen a warring couple step out of court after being given the next date, when the man started beating his wife in public right outside the court. The lady ran back inside and told the judge what happened. All the judge said was, “Toh tujhe kisne kaha tha uske saamne jaane ke liye? Jab yahan khadi hoke use bura bhala bolegi toh usse gussa nahin aayega kya? (Who told you to go in front of him? If you stand here and say petty things about him, won’t he feel angry?)” I was left aghast.

They say, “Behind every successful woman is a tribe of other successful women, who have her back.” So why would you not back other women and have other women backing you.

And I have seen enough examples also of the reverse case where women have stood up for women. I do that proudly as often as I can. A colleague once was sharing a ‘juicy gossip’ with me about a female colleague going around with a male colleague and her having been seen entering the man’s house one evening. I asked him how it is any of his business to comment on it because as far as I see, they are two consenting adults, and the company policy nowhere prohibits any romantic relationships. The said company had a few married couples as employees already.

The best example I have seen of women solidarity is an incident I came across in the Crime against Women’s Cell. The usual scene at the CAWC is women complainants (most of whom belong to economically weaker sections and are not much educated), waiting for hours for their husbands (respondents) to show up for counselling, with no better time pass than watching other couples being counselled. I was doing the same that day. A woman complainant had been driven out of her marital home with her 6-month-old daughter as her husband was allegedly having an extra-marital affair. The couple had eloped and gotten married and neither her paternal family and nor her matrimonial family was supporting her, and she had taken refuge in a local Gurudwara since 2-months as she had nowhere to go. The lady was beautiful, even by the conventional societal norms – very fair, sharp feature and gorgeous hazel eyes – and her daughter was her splitting image. I could hear gossips about how a woman like her could be abandoned. I felt pity for the lady as she begged in front of the mediator/counsellor to ask her husband to take her back. The counsellor, a male, tried to convince her husband to do so as well, and went on to say that he should also think about his daughter. The husband, rude and nonchalant that he was, just shrugged and said, “Mujhe kya pata meri beti hai? Jaise mere saath bhaagi thi, kisi aur ke saath bhi to muh kala kiya ho sakta hai? (How do I know this is my daughter? The way she eloped with me; she could have been physically involved with someone else?)” The lady was furious that she pushed her husband with one hand (she was holding her daughter in the other) even as tears flowed down her eyes. The man, barely even falling a step back but taking a blow to his ego, immediately raised his hand to slap her but had to back off when at least 7-8 ladies around me screamed,came forward and stood by the wife’s side. In a flash of a second, she was surrounded and even all the counsellors were flabbergasted and stood up in attention. One of the ladies shouted, “Haath laga ke dikha! (Touch her and see!)” I could literally see fear on the face of the man who was acting like a daredevil or a badboy a minute ago. He had no choice but to back out even as the counsellors tried to take the situation back under control. I don’t know what happened in her case; and I often think about her wondering how and where she and her daughter would be. But that day I realized one thing – that even if a woman is herself in a tight spot (like all those ladies were), they can always be a force to reckon with if they support each other.

There’s a saying that “when women support each other, incredible things happen.” It’s actually true… Strong women stand together when things are rough, hold each other up when they need support, and laugh together when there’s no reason. They look out for each other. They stand with each other and not against each other. One woman can make a difference but together they can rock the world.

Flexible Working Hours are hardly a blessing

I have never been a fan of “flexible working hours” even though it has become a favourite “work-life balance” tool with the corporations in India off late. I believe that the argument that it encourages more women to take up a career holds good, but it comes at a cost. So, when I again found myself discussing this with someone today, I decided to pen my views for a larger audience and invite opinions in favour or against.

Two of my previous organisations had introduced the concept of “flexi-working hours” during my stints with them. And I had seen significant behavioural shifts in the male and female workforces there. When the policy is introduced, everyone is happy about it. The companies hail it as employee friendly policy and pitch it as one of the most important employee retention initiatives. It may retain the employees in some cases but my personal observation is that, in the larger picture, it has a negative effect on the society at large. After an year or so of introducing this policy, I had noticed that the women employees would come early to office, say around 8 am or so, and would leave early around 5 pm. Whereas it was the reverse case with male employees. They would come to office at around 11 am and would leave post 8 pm or even later. Not only does one struggle to squeeze all meetings within the 11 to 5 window but sometimes ladies are forced to stay back or join online after their office hours, especially if they are even slightly submissive in nature.

But that’s not even the most negative impact of the “flexi-working hours”. I would often talk to ladies who would move to an early shift and in almost all cases, I would realize that in the evening hours they are taking care of the kids and their homes single-handedly; running around for coaching and extra-curricular classes of their children, cooking meals, coordinating with maids and cooks, entertaining relatives etc. The husbands would stop contributing and participating in responsibilities because now the ladies “have time”. On the other hand, you talk to the men who moved to late shifts and ask them about their kids and family and you would realize that thanks to them reaching home late in the evening, they are now spared of all expectations to participate in the responsibilities of the kids and home. These men barely know what is going on in their children’s academics, rarely take them to various classes and almost never help with the chores at home. And God forbid if they are living with the parents, then the parents expect their wives to pamper them because their poor sons work till so late and slog themselves off for the family’s sake.

It may seem to be generalizing, but of course there are exceptions to the above. There were a few ladies who would go to the gym, salon, etc. or catch up with friends, but their number was fairly small and most of them had no kids or had grown-up kids and they didn’t live in joint families. Similarly, there were men who would prefer to go home and spend time with family and again the number was lesser than the other extreme and that was usually because of their personal choice and not because of any expectation from the family.

So, when I am asked about my views on “flexible working hours”, I would always point out that it may be the one of the worst contributions by a company to the society at large because even if it allows more women to take up jobs; it also tilts the balance in gender contribution at home unfavourably towards women. Therefore, in my opinion, the companies should think of other ways to encourage womenfolk to take up careers and not just bank on this policy

I am happy to listen to other people’s viewpoint on this and am open to sharing experiences, discussion and perspectives.

Stay Strong Ukraine!!

Vladimir Putin claims, "The purpose of this operation is to protect people who, for eight years now, have been facing humiliation and genocide perpetrated by the Kyiv regime.” 

As an Indian who can barely keep up with politics in India, I had never even heard of Volodymyr Zelenskyy until the war broke out. I knew Putin's reputation of being a hard task master. I had also seen how the Russians patronise him when I travelled to Russia in 2019. Yet, I can barely believe this statement. Ask me why? 

I do not believe this statement because I see on TV, civilians fighting, mounting Russian tanks and standing defiantly unarmed in front of trained and armed forces. I see people leaving behind their homes and families, children, not to take shelter but to pick up arms. I see pictures of a 79-year old lady learning to fire a gun. I see pictures of a very young girl with perfectly manicured nails in 5 different shades of neon holding the gun, ready to fight. That's not a sign of suppressed and tortured citizens. That's a sign of proud patriotic citizens, who had dreams and lives, which they have put on hold to defend their country from a maniac.

The trolls may tout Zelenskyy as a comedian or a TV President, but his one call has made these citizens pick up arms and fight to defend their country in a war where they are severely outnumbered and heading towards a certain defeat. They did that because he refused to quit on them and stood with them in the middle of the war. They did that because he declined the offer of evacuation for him and his family with his now famous words, "I need ammunition, not a ride." He is letting people send their loved ones across borders in camps, but chose to stay back with his family and children. If that's not the sign of a leader, I don't know what is. 

Take a bow Volodymyr Zelenskyy! Take a bow Ukraine! Take a bow all the braveheart citizens of this proud country! You have managed to keep the Russians at bay so long and you continue to persevere. Stay strong! Stay proud!! Stay invincible!!!

#respect

#staystrongukrain

#8daysandstillholdingon

Images source: Google search

To Bindi or not to Bindi

Off late there has been a lot of discussion about the importance of Bindi. Although I have not commented on any social media post expressing any side of the views, be it pro-bindi or against-bindi, I have my own views about the same which I finally feel like spilling out. 

Image source: Google Search

When I got married at the age of 22 years, I was just stepping into the real world. Until then, my home and my family had been my sanctuary and my opinions about anything, if at all, were only driven by what I had seen growing up. The ladies in my family had usually worn bindis, may or may not have worn Mangalsutra (it was usually treated like a jewellery item), applied sindoor usually only on Karvachauth, never worn payal-bichhue (anklets or toe-rings) or ghunghat (not even 'sir dhakna' types) and did not touch in-laws' feet every morning or husband's feet even on festivals like Karvachauth. Most of these so called 'riwaaz' or traditions that were followed were not taken too seriously, and definitely not linked to being religious or even linked to respect in any way. They were just traditions and nothing more.

When I got married, I was expected to follow some of these traditions as a rule. I was expected to always wear a bindi, sindoor, bichhue, payal and mangalsutra too (most of the time). I was told that I should never leave my wrists or my neck empty. I should never wear western clothes in front of my in-laws and had to touch their feet every morning. I was expected to treat my husband with utmost reverence (the standard line coming from my mother-in-law being "Pati toh bhagwaan barabar hota hai") and touch his feet on Karvachauth. At 22, I didn't know better and I abided by all these so much so that all these became instruments to humiliate me. "Jab tum office jaati ho toh western kapde pehenti ho, naa bindi lagati ho, naa payal-bichhue pehenti ho." I was a damn Chartered Accountant working in a Big4 corporation auditing high-networth MNCs and I was damn-well expected to dress professionally. But these so called traditions were supposed to be linked to the religion and to how much I respected my husband and by not following them I was told that I was disrespecting my husband and his family.

Soon, I started hating all these "accessories" even though as a newly married I loved wearing them as they made me feel dressed up a bit. Sub-consciously, my mind started equating them with signs of Patriarchy. When I separated from my husband, these were the first things I gave up if I had not given them up already. As much as it might be hard to believe me now, I had given up sarees too for the same reason.

Years later, I re-embraced sarees but not all these accessories (maybe some like anklets but only on a single foot and not on both feet). I still associate them somewhat with Patriarchy but I do not judge people who wear them, whether out of their love for them to dress up or even as a sign of tradition. Everyone has a different thought process and just like my mom was comfortable with some of these like bindi, I understand that many other ladies would be too. And that is okay.

What is not okay is forcing these on others in the name of religion or tradition. What is not okay is shaming and humiliating others who do not abide by your diktats. What is not okay is bullying others and telling them that they do not get to challenge your beliefs even when you are challenging theirs. What is not okay is being intolerant towards your fellow humans. I wholeheartedly condemn anyone who does that.

What happens behind closed doors is not always known: Criminal Justice Season 2 Review

I will start the review with my verdict first. This is one of the best Hindi series I have seen off late. 

The plot is simple – a housewife, Kriti Kulhari, stabs her publicly well-known, widely admired, and socially acknowledged as perfect husband, Jishu Sengupta, with her 12-year-old daughter as the only witness. She confesses to the crime immediately and sticks to it. But other than that, she maintains a stoic silence as to why she did it. What seems like an open and shut case otherwise, owing to the confession by the wife, lacks the basic element in a murder case: motive. It is only when state lawyers, Pankaj Tripathi and Anupriya Goenka reprising their roles from Season 1, start chipping away at the motive of murder that hidden facets start emerging. Despite their uncooperative client, the two keep on trying to understand why she did it.

The motive is basically the premise of the story, though there are a few twists and turns such as the primary protagonist’s pregnancy. The motive is not exactly suspenseful unlike many thrillers where the audience already knows the facts of the crime. But, it is a moot discussion point, that is slowly highlighted to impress upon the social relevance of the issue in today’s date and time.

The series talks about abuse. Domestic abuse which is not always visible outside the bedroom; one that thrives on manipulation and narcissism; one that is made to appear like care and love but is actually a disguise for control over the other person; and one which plays with your mind filling you with guilt, self-doubt and depression. The climax highlights that abuse is often invisible to the eye and abusers are usually normal people who may be good friends, good sons and good fathers but may not be good spouses. Moreover, the show highlights how marital rape is made insignificant by the society so much so that the victim feels ashamed talking about it. It’s a glaring reality of the society where even professional and powerful women fall prey to misogyny within the confines of their homes.

Image: Google Search

I have not yet seen the Season 1 of the series and since this is an altogether new case, it doesn’t matter. I do plan to see it now. The characters of Pankaj Tripathi and Anupriya Goenka are flowing over from the Season 1. Pankaj Tripathi is as expected a delight to watch. His timing, dialogue delivery and simplicity brings alive every scene he features in. His character, who is a newly-wed person in this season with an outspoken wife, turns out to be a perfect example of how even the most socially enlightened men stand up for feminism but forget to apply the same concepts in their own lives. He eventually learns to respect the feelings of his partner. Anupriya Goenka fits her role well. I had first noticed her in War and despite a few appearances after that, I feel she gets to showcase her nuanced performance in this series. All other actors are also well cast and adequate, Deepti Naval, Mita Vashishta, Ashish Vidyarthi, et al. But this season definitely belongs to Kriti Kulhari. She plays the murder accused with utmost restraint; a woman who is more concerned about hiding her personal ‘shame’ rather than the repercussions of her crime. Bare minimum dialogues, she speaks with her eyes and bravely holds the series on her seemingly frail, drooping shoulders.

The Morning Show - The human side of #metoo

I wrapped up the incredibly sleek and high-end series The Morning Show. It's certainly high quality sophisticated (read had considerably high budget) and has a stellar cast. The show is about the #metoo movement in the backdrop of an extremely popular long running morning news show.

The series starts with allegations of sexual misconduct against one of the show's veteran anchors which basically brings the news show down to its knees. Knee-jerk reactions ensure that Mitch Kessler (played by the brave Steve Carell) is kicked out overnight, statements are made by the network dissociating from his actions, and his co-workers are left to pick up the pieces. The series continues from there exploring the reactions and upheavals in the life of the people associated with The Morning Show, primarily, Kessler's co-star of 15 years, Alex Levy, played by Jennifer Aniston and Kessler's suddenly pulled out from the dumps replacement, Bradley Jackson, played by Reese Witherspoon.

Now, usually the case with any movie or soaps based on exploitation of women is centered around the women who have been exploited, highlighting the turmoil and emotional struggle the victims go through, whereas the perpetrator is generally shown as the evil, heartless villain. This series is different in that sense. The victims are missing well into the 7th episode out of 10 and even then is at best a supporting character. The primary characters are the people around the perpetrator who are now trying to disassociate themselves with him, and then the perpetrator whose life comes down to the ground. So much so that at one point you even feel sympathy for him. The show also highlights how media houses go light on any wrong doing done by their "stars" because they get them big bucks. It also offers a behind-the-smiles look at how a news show is produced, and how the scandal opens the floor up for cutthroat office politics.

I think a lot of credit goes to the makers to attempt to humanise the perpetrator and the people around him. So basically The Morning Show isn’t a straightforward examination of the #MeToo movement, but in fact a more complicated depiction of the movement that has refused to die down over years now. For instance, in her statement to the American public announcing Mitch’s departure, Alex chooses her words carefully in denouncing his actions, but expresses warmth for the man she thought she knew. There's Mia, who everyone assumes that would be the one who went to The Times and reported Mitch because she had a "known to all" affair with Mitch which she had called off and had since been feeling as being shunned. Then there's show’s executive producer, Chip, who goes on a rant about how unfortunate he feels it was that the movement was tried in the court of public opinion.

But nothing will leave you more torn than Mitch’s explanation for his actions. 'So what if he had a few affairs', he asks in one scene. 'He never raped anyone, and some of the women in fact came onto him.' He is, he believes, just like any middle-aged man in America. Humanising a person accused of sexual misconduct, especially in the current climate, is a near impossible task which this series has managed to achieve. He is much like an alcoholic who refuses to accept his addiction. He can easily recognize the predatory behavior in the others who have been accused, and yet when it comes to himself, he feels like a victim, unable to see himself being projected with the likes of Harvey Weinsteins and Bill Cosbys of the world.

The lead stars of the series are, of course, Reese Witherspoon and Jennifer Anniston, both of whom were famously paid USD 2 million per episode by Apple. I have seen a few movies of Reese Witherspoon earlier and have always loved her work (my favorite still being Legally Blonde) and she is absolutely in her elements here as the crackling outspoken Bradley Jackson. I have not actually seen much of Jennifer Aniston's work (actually I have only seen her in the star studded He's Just Not That Into You and no, I have not seen Friends). I know that she has garnered much praise for this performance of hers but I personally found it average. Her constant expression through the 10 episodes was of someone frustrated and under tremendous stress (her lips perpetually in an inverted U), which beyond a point started irritating me. Steve Carell is fantastic in the role, bringing the perfect balance of entitlement and dignity to Mitch. The supporting cast is fantastic; Billy Crudup as the smarmy head of the news division, Mark Duplass as the insomniac Chip who has to perform the balancing act, Gugu Mbatha-Raw as Hannah Schoenfeld, and basically just about everybody is cut out for their role.

End note, amazing show!

Thoughts in the times of Corona

I see the messages saying "A year ago this was our last normal week". It's so true and we had no idea whatsoever back then what we were heading into. 14th March last year was our last outing before the lockdown. I and my family had gone out for dinner and once we were there, seated, and seeing masks worn by the staff, we suddenly regretted our decision. We decided to avoid eating out for "a while" not knowing then that "a while" would stretch into one full year.

I and my family abided by the lockdown to the 'T' and even continued to do so after the lockdown was lifted. Only recently when we came to know that my daughter's school is about to open physically and my office (though already open) is expected to become more regular expecting physical presence, did we decided to step out a bit so as to ensure that my daughter gets acclimatised to wearing masks and following social distancing norms. So, when a friend, who happens to be my daughter's closest friend's mother suggested that we take a small weekend outing to a fancy location just to enjoy some calm and relax, I gradually warmed up to the idea. 

Thus, I basically stepped out properly after one full year; this time with the new normal - masks and sanitizers. We still avoided the crowds i.e. despite being in Jaipur we didn't visit any forts or did any touristy things. We just went around the city in a car and saw everything from inside our safe haven.

Now that I think about it, it is kind of strange that the most important life event for our generations, spanning one full year, and I did not write a single blog about it. And now that I think about it, it seems unfair too. My blogs document my views on many topics; and while I shared countless memes and jokes on COVID-19 on Facebook (humour is the best way to counter gloom!?), and I expressed wonder on the Tablighi-Jamaat incidents and Pravasi Mazdoor situations also on Facebook, none of that actually made it to my personal blog. 

I guess if I were to write on COVID-19 for this blog, I would end up writing how so many people acted insensitive and openly flouted social distancing requirements even at the peak of the pandemic. The frustration and anger that I poured out on Facebook would have found way on my blog. And yet nothing that I post anywhere would have had any impact on any person.

Sometime in July (in the peak of Covid), I had to go to some government office for some work, where I met an acquaintance who was also there. He stood there without a mask and when he saw me, he came near me to talk. I instinctively stepped back to maintain some distance and he came yet closer. With no further space to back-off, I politely requested the person to maintain some distance. It was clear from his facial expression that he didn’t appreciate being told to stand at a distance. “Nishtha ji, yeh corona-vorona sab bakwaas hai. Main toh ise bilkul maanta hi nahi.” I again politely replied, “Sir, who toh aapki marzi hai but main maanti hoon isliye thoda dur khadi hoon. Vaise bhi kisi ke maanane ya naa maanane se Corona chala toh jayega nahi.” “Arre, aap bekaar mein itna darr rahi hain. Yeh sab sarkar ki saazish hai hamein dara ke control karne ki.” “Achchha? Aapko nahi pata ki economy all time low par chal rahi hai? Sarkar ko kya fayeda hoga economy ko dubo ke? Vaise bhi jo itne log duniya bhar mein marr rahe hain, unka kya?” “Un sabko koi naa koi bimaari hai. Bas sabko darane ke liye death certificate par Corona likh rahe hain. Yeh sirf duniya bhar ki sarkaron ki mili bhagat hai.” “Sir, maine pehli conspiracy theory suni hai jismein duniya bhar ki sarkarein saath mein kaam kar rahi hain. India – Pakistan ki bhi, India – China ki bhi, US – China ki bhi, US – Russia ki bhi… Aur maze ki baat yeh hai ki duniya bhar ki sarkarein, desh toh desh, apne aap tak ko dubone ka kaam kar rahi hain… Unhe agla election nahi jeetna kya?” With mindsets like this, isn’t it natural for people who are taking to feel irate and annoyed? 

And yet by now, we have accepted that general public is not concerned about their own, leave alone others’, welfare and each person is on their own. So, we stepped out finally while taking all precautions and trying to teach our kids to hold their own and survive this madness where people call it the new normal and yet are trying to behave like pre-covid days. Whether anyone else takes the precautions or not – in schools, offices, public places – we will fend for ourselves and our dear ones.

Tom Hiddleston and Shakespeare's Coriolanus

I am not much into plays and can at max boast of having watched Zangoora thrice and a small scale student led Comedy play once. That's all!

But then I wouldn't miss a chance to watch Tom Hiddleston on stage now, would I? National Theater UK is broadcasting it's most popular plays on YouTube. They are free for all to view for a week. I came to know that Coriolanus would be one of them and I managed to catch up the play online late night on Wednesday.

I don't know much about plays; nor have I read the original Coriolanus (I've only read a summary). So, this is not really a review. But, there are a few things that I liked which I would love to explain. First and foremost, I had expected a play being shown on National Theater to be grand in terms of sets, costumes, props etc. After all, National Theater is one of the United Kingdom's three most prominent publicly funded performing arts venues, alongside the Royal Shakespeare Company and the Royal Opera House. It is actually known as the National Theatre of Great Britain or the Royal National Theater. But Coriolanus had none of that. The stage too was fairly small in size. The lighting was dark (and very apt for the play); the costumes were all in the shades of browns, greys and black and looked nothing like Roman and were probably the individual personal belongings of the actors; and the only props/furniture used were basic wooden chairs and a ladder. In fact, the space was so ingeniously used that the small stage looked big enough for all characters to fit in. Not just that, the lead starcast and all the well-known actors were moving around the props themselves (well, all except Tom Hiddleston).

I read somewhere that the written play describes the war in fair detail. Here in stage production, although the play very smartly tackled the part where Caius Martius single-handedly conquered the city of Corioli (thus earning the name Coriolanus); but it does away with the elaborate war scenes which for some people might have been a dampener. This ensured a smaller cast too. Also, a smaller cast meant that even the plebiscite uprising was just shown as indistinct chatter. Now, as I mentioned, I have not read the original play, so I didn't miss these things in the first place. But, I was impressed with the way a lot of symbolism was used here. Caius Martius climbing a ladder as he entered Corioli was a sign of him rising to the challenge even while all others held back. Torn red ballots signifying people's shattered trust in him. The graffiti-sprayed walls demanding: "Grain at our own price." signify discontent of the Roman people. Coriolanus first kneels in obeisance to his mother and later watches her bend a suppliant knee to him; which to me signified a change of tide.

Coming to the actors, I obviously watched the play for Tom Hiddleston who I have loved since The Night Manager and whose love for Shakespeare is just so well-known. He makes a fine Coriolanus. Whether Coriolanus was a "tragic hero" or not is in itself debatable, but Tom Hiddleston brings out the nuances of a character who is raised to be a patriotic hero amply guided by his mother's hero worshiping. He, at the same time, detests the plebiscites and the common people because they contribute nothing to the war (another symbol of one's pride and allegiance towards one's nation) and still demand grains as their right. He also feels cheated because despite heeding to his unwilling attempts to appease the people, he is banished. I particularly loved him in the climax where he cries after listening to his mother pleading him not to destroy Rome. I could actually see tears run down his face... Like really flow down and him having to wipe his nose to stop them. It was a long act and it's not like in the middle of the scene he went backstage to apply glycerin or anything; so they have got to be real tears. It's mind-blowing how an actor can do that at will. Not just that, Tom Hiddleston was hanging upside down being tied to a chain on one foot. I think that's also not something that is easy to do on a stage in front of a live audience.

Among other actors, I enjoyed the performances of Mark Gatiss as Menenius, the "humorous patrician" and Deborah Findlay as Volumnia, Coriolanus' mother.

And last but not least, I write this only because a friend asked me to confirm this... Tom Hiddleston does go topless and under a shower on live stage. It wasn't very much sensual (he was supposed to be injured and in pain), but he did. 

Waiting for the day Ashtami Puja becomes irrelevant for Girls

I have been born into a family of three sisters and no brother. The next generation till now has two girls and a boy. My family has been worshipping Maa Durga since many generations. Needless to say, Navratras were one of the most awaited festivals and culminating into Ashtami which was celebrated with much happiness.

Our family has been unique when it comes to Ashtami celebration. First, it is only restricted to kids in the family and we do not gather little girls from all over for the puja. Second, just like we treat our girls equal to boys on normal days, we treat our boys equal to girls on Ashtami (Kanya Pujan) days. So, my nephew gets to sit in the puja in the same manner and gets the same gifts and money as my daughter and my niece. Third, the girls sit in the puja irrespective of their age (and after attaining puberty too) well until they get married. Last, we share poori-halwa-chhole prasad with some families in the neighbourhood irrespective of whether the families have young girls or not.

Image source: Google search (jagran.com)

Until much later in my teenage years, this was normal for me and only after I grew up did I realise how different this was from the norm. For us, Ashtami Puja had always been for the "kids of the family" and never for the "girls". By that age, I was already into a phase getting prepped to become a staunch feminist. My first Ashtami Puja at my marital home was a depressor. I had been subjected for 6 months to an ashirwad of giving birth to a son and then on the day of Ashtami, my then MIL had sent my then husband looking for small girls to sit in the puja. My now ex-in-laws were openly and vocally upset about me giving birth to a daughter (and the irony was that she was born during Navratras) and six months later on Ashtami day they suddenly relegated her to the status of Lakshmi of the house and worshipped her. My heart was filled with more contempt that day than on the days they would curse me for not bearing a son.

It hurts me to see that the girls are condemned on everyday and on Ashtami, they are celebrated. Although I still try to celebrate this festival with just as much cheer as I did as a child, but every time in Navratras, these thoughts keep circling around my head. I see happy girls in the neighbourhood and I can make out that they are enjoying being centre of attraction for a change. And then maybe one day when the grow up, they will realise what a sham it all is.

The day Ashtami becomes an irrelevant festival for girls because they start getting valued even on normal days will be the day the feminist in me would smile brighter.

#BasItniSiBaat – Thappad Movie Review and Why You Need To See This Movie

Last evening, I and my family saw the movie Thappad. Although, there has been a consistent flow of good movies off late, but I would say that Thappad is one of the finest ones which have come out recently. 

Image courtesy: Google Search / Pinterest

Let’s first get the cliched movie review out of the way so that I can come to what I actually want to say about the movie here. The movie was very relatable as the characters were very normal, flawed and much like people we come across everyday of our lives. The situations and set-ups were all common middle-class people related in any metro city. Tapsee Pannu was brilliant as an educated modern day “housewife-by-choice” and debutant Pavail Gulati as her career-obsessed professional husband was a total natural. Neither of these characters were easy to play and could have easily become stereotypes (positive and negative) but hats off to the director who reins in their brilliant performances without letting the drama become over the top. All supporting characters are acknowledged good actors and they all played their parts perfectly. I especially loved Kumud Mishra’s character as a very supportive father. There are no uncomfortable fights or nasty court battles depicted between the lead couple so even young couples can see the movie together without feeling awkward. Overall the movie holds your attention throughout the two and a half hours runtime despite not being very fast paced. Tears and choking are not ruled out especially when you can relate to the characters at a personal level, which I am sure many people would be able to do, especially women and I hope many men. 

The movie is a must watch but for more reasons than the brilliant performances that I have mentioned above. This actually brings me to what I really want to say about the movie and why I feel everyone – both women and men and even couples together preferably – should see the movie. As per me, the movie subtly and brilliantly highlights the following issues in the society nowadays (in case you don’t want spoilers ahead, please restrict yourself to the titles and feel free to come back and read the list below again after you have watched the movie): 

1. Even one thoughtless act of aggression is Domestic Violence – This needs no explanation as this is what the whole movie is about. Even if you have just watched the trailer, you would know that this is what the movie talks about. Vikram hits his wife Ammu only once, in a fit of rage directed towards someone else and not Ammu. This makes her question her own self-worth and the respect that she is given in the relationship. This is exactly why all the people who had watched Kabir Singh should watch Thappad now to understand why Kabir Singh as a movie was problematic. There is even a direct scathing attack in this movie about Kabir Singh. Vikram’s side-kick says in the movie that if you really love someone “toh thodi bahut maar-peet toh hoti hai, uske bina pyar ka kya matlab hai?” which is exactly what the director of Kabir Singh, Sandeep Reddy Vanga, had said in order to justify the male protagonist’s violent behaviour towards the female protagonist. Even legally, even one single act of aggression whatever the cause and rather even mental torture is counted as Domestic Violence. This aspect is beautifully explained in this movie. It’s just one slap but “nahin maar sakta”.
2. Gaslighting women is just so common in families – There are many instances of gaslighting women depicted in this movie. They are as real as it gets because almost all women have experienced these taunts, every once in a while, in their relationship. While Nethra’s relationship with her husband Rohit is all about gaslighting, there are many other instances shown. The one that stands out is when Tapsee asks Pavail whether she should learn driving, he retorts, “Pehle Paranthe toh theek se banana seekh lo, fir driving ki baat karna.” Ouch! That hurts, isn’t it? 
3. Professional successful women are always looked at suspiciously – One small piece in the movie irked me. It was a scene where Tapsee and Pavail always meet and greet their next-door neighbour Dia Mirza who leaves for work the same time as Pavail. Dia is shown to be a professional (details not known) who is also a single parent after her husband, whom she loved a lot, expired. In this particular scene, Pavail is getting into his car, a grand Audi SUV, while Tapsee is handing over his stuff (wallet, thermos, lunch pack, etc.) to him and at the same time Dia comes out, wishes them good morning and gets into her car, also a similarly grand Audi, and leaves. At that moment, Pavail remarks, “Isne fir nayi car le li? Yeh aisa kya karti hai?” (Oh yeah, I too felt like banging his head to the car bonnet.) That’s when Tapsee replies, “HARD WORK!” But this scenario is just too common isn’t it? If a woman, especially when she is single (but it’s not like married women are spared), is successful, the success is always attributed to factors other than hard work, intelligence, skill, capability, leadership qualities, etc. It’s like men just cannot fathom that a woman can be equally capable and deserving of success like them. 
4. Divorces in India get really messy – This is a known fact even without the movie highlighting it. That is also the reason many women continue to be in unhappy and/or abusive marriages. Even when they try to play fair, the men just try to get into nasty stuff to try to intimidate them and put them down. I have seen enough divorce cases to mention that it would be the case in almost all cases (To be fair, even women use these tactics sometimes on their own and at other times on the assumption that the other side will anyway be stooping down to these levels.) Here too there are allegations of jealousy, money-mindedness, greed, etc. and how to forget the husband tries to gain full custody of his unborn child by offering monetary perks (much like his idea of pacifying his wife’s anger). 
5. Housewives rarely get appreciation for their hard work – Tapsee is shown to be a very efficient housewife whose whole life revolves around her home. Her day starts at 6 am and ends much later than Pavail’s. However, the only thing that Pavail highlights is that she cannot cook well, or as well as his mom. If there is anything not working at home, then it’s his wife’s problem and his wife’s fault. Even when she leaves and his house is turned upside down largely because of his own incompetence to manage and maintain it, he is not ready to appreciate what Tapsee brought to the table as a homemaker. His mom suffers a medical emergency because he cannot keep track of her BP the way Tapsee did and in his petition he blamed Tapsee for the medical situation alleging that it was because of the stress caused by her irrational behaviour that his mom suffered. 
6. Men and apology often don’t go hand-in-hand because their upbringing makes them egoistical – Throughout the movie until the very last scene, Vikram doesn’t apologise to Amrita even once for hitting her. Not a sorry… NOT EVEN ONCE. He is providing all kinds of justification about how he suffered a setback in his career, how his boss played unfair to him, he had received a phone call that had upset him, he was angry, he was drunk, whatever. He is cuddling and saying “I love You” to a visibly upset and unresponsive Amrita, and he is buying a diamond bracelet but never offered an apology. And this is so often the case in many couple relationships that men find it difficult to say sorry for their mistakes. They feel insecure about losing their dominating position by admitting that they made a mistake and a large part of it is because they have grown up to larger than life male figures in their families and previous generation where the impression created is whatever men do is acceptable and correct. 
7. Narcissists always make things about themselves and shift the onus of guilt on the other person – Vikram is clearly a narcissist. Throughout the movie, the whole relationship is about him. How his career is important, how dare his bosses play unfair, how his targets are achieved so it’s a good year. Every single time, Amrita tried to put her point forth, Vikram and his “I, me and myself ramblings” start. And everything wrong happening in his life is because of Amrita. Amrita is responsible for escalating this issue and taking it outside the four walls. Amrita has made his life hell because she is not anymore doing everything, she used to do for him, and he must fend for himself. Amrita is the reason for his mom’s sickness. The list goes on. 
8. When your family has your back, you can fight any battles – I have already mentioned that my favourite character in the movie is Amrita’s father played by Kumud Mishra. It so reminds me how my Mom and Dad stood by me. He doesn’t leave Amrita’s side even for a second. Even if Amrita’s mom may sway under societal pressures for once, he always has her back. Even if every person in the world was telling Amrita to compromise and go back (including her own mom initially, her brother, and her hot-shot lawyer who was also a woman’s rights activist); her father told her that what she is doing is right if her heart says it’s right. The truth is that your in-laws no matter how much they love you; they never will stand up for you. That takes me to Amrita’s monologue of how no one ever told Vikram that he was wrong and that no one ever asked her whether she was okay. It was only her parents who stood behind her like a rock and because of whom she could confidently take a decision to opt for divorce even though she didn’t have a financial independence and foothold at the moment. This trust is the most important thing in the world and believe you me, you can fight any battle with that support. I would know because I have been in the same position as Amrita.

Make-up for kids... Like, really?

It’s wedding season and there’s a thought that has been going on in my head. My sister got married just over a year ago. It was one of the biggest occasions we had in our family in the recent past and the biggest that my daughter, now thirteen years old, has had in her living memory as she was too young to remember my other sister’s wedding. Our preparations as far as she was concerned went only to the extent of deciding dresses and footwear (flats and although she bought her first kitten heels for the D-day, she couldn’t wear it for over half an hour and shifted to flats). There was nothing else that we had to discuss or arrange for her. Our own preparations were more elaborate. It additionally included arranging a make-up artist (MUA) for us. 

Now, that was because it was my own sister’s wedding. Otherwise, I am the kind of woman who never opts for professional make-up or hairstyling on any other occasion – be it any close wedding or any random party. Money factor is not even a consideration because I simply do not have the time, energy and inclination to go to a professional to get ready. Similarly, the only time my daughter had her hair done by a professional was during my sister’s wedding and that too only braids (due to the fact that I myself am totally pathetic with those) sans any spray or serum. I just wouldn’t let the MUA use any chemicals on her hair. That is all the exposure my daughter has had to professional make-up till date. 

But when I go to weddings nowadays, I am surprised to note that my daughter is usually the odd one out in kids. Kids as young as 2 or 3 year olds there are running around with hairstyles made by professional MUAs and often with make-ups like eye-shadows and lip-colours. My niece got married about 10 days back and I couldn’t see a single child on her own feet, no matter how old, not made-up. And I kind of find it sad because all said and done, these cosmetics not only harm their gentle skins but otherwise as well we are tuning the minds of our girls to fake standards of beauty as well as vanity. This in my eyes is a bigger sin than even ruining their complexions. 

This had been on my mind for a few days until yesterday when I was just whiling away my time by surfing through flash news from Entertainment Industry. I came across Vogue Magazine articles sharing pics of all celebrities who attended Armaan Jain - Anissa Malhotra wedding – the “who wore what” kind of news articles. I was mindlessly just skimming through without even focussing on any celebrity or least of all on the names of all the famous designers whose clothes they wore. That was until I came across pics of Karisma Kapoor with her daughter. What caught my eye was Samiera Kapoor, aged 14, a young girl belonging to one of the most fashion-conscious families in India was totally sans any make-up and hadn’t even got her hair done. A teenager belonging to a family of actors, who herself is most likely to become an actor someday, was wearing designer dresses but no cosmetics. I was like “Wow! This is so unexpected.” Indeed, this was a surprisingly unanticipated but still a refreshing change for me. The same was the case with Aaradhya Bachchan, the daughter of Abhishek and Aishwarya Bachchan, but then the argument in her favour is that she is only 8 years old. But even in her case, she is an example to be emulated by the parents of the 2 year olds with fancy buns and red lips running around wearing diapers under their lehengas at sundry weddings. 

I hope parents of little girls make note and follow suit. We are in an age where we want to teach our girls (and even boys) that their physical attributes should not determine their worth and that they are beautiful just as they are. But then we cannot preach what we don’t practice.

Image courtesy: Google search

Kabir Singh is no hero!

I find it appalling that in today's times and era, movies like Kabir Singh / Arjun Reddy are being made and appreciated. After all the signs of progress the movie industry shows with movies like Pink, Piku, Queen, etc., movies like Kabir Singh push the carousel eons backwards.

Image source: Google search

To be honest, I haven't seen the movie. The trailer itself was repulsive. Let's be clear, Kabir Singh is no hero and shouldn't exist in real life. He is sexist, patriarchal and misogynistic. The movie glorifies eve-teasing, stalking, abusing women, and let me add, it promotes toxic masculinity and the portrayal of psychopathic manliness. This is so not acceptable!

They say that the movie is about a "flawed character" and Shahid Kapoor has played it to perfection. Now, Shahid has played flawed characters before - Kaminey, Haider, Udta Punjab - but they were essentially that, flawed characters. Unlike Kabir Singh, their flaws were not glorified in the name of "intense love". Do we realize how many teenagers and youngsters are fooled by the idea of "intense love" as depicted in the movies? Do we realize how many "flawed characters" with "intense love" are in the making right now inspired by the movie knowing that it is a big hit with youngsters? Shouldn't it worry us about the safety and sanity of the girls and other people in general who might be around such people right now?

It's time these movies suffer failure so that lessons are taught to people who promote hazardous patriarchy in the name of cinematic liberty. The movie reviews are raving about Shahid and his performance and women are drooling over him just as the movie is inching towards various box office milestones. And I am irritated with the reactions, especially those of women. How can they go all ga-ga over something that degrades their very existence?

The Fascinating Sculptures of Prague

Every time I visit Prague, I end up visiting the same old places like Old Town Square, the Castle District etc. This time I had just one day to spend and I decided to do it differently. I went about seeking and reading about some of the peculiar and interesting sculptures the city is famous for: 

1. Dancing head statue or Statue of Franz Kafka by David Černý - The 42 mobile tiers of this eleven-metre-tall sculpture align to form the face of the famous Czech writer Franz Kafka. This 39-ton bust by artist David Černý is one of his recent works. 

2. Man hanging out by David Černý - This sculpture, found in Prague’s Old Town, is easily missed if you’re not looking up. It depicts the psychoanalyst Sigmund Freud hanging by one hand on the top of a building, seemingly pondering whether to hold on or to let go. It is said that during his life, he suffered from a number of phobias, including the fear of his own death. 

3. Statue of Franz Kafka by Jaroslav Róna - This surrealistic sculpture depicts a mini Kafka riding on the shoulders of a giant, empty suit. The image was inspired by the writer’s short story ‘Description of a Struggle’ (1912), in which the narrator explores a fantasy landscape from the shoulders of “an acquaintance”. 

4. Iron Man by Ladislav Šaloun - This statue has a story. This faceless knight is said to have killed his lover in a fit of rage. The knight was turned to stone as punishment. He can be freed by the love of a pure-hearted woman but only once every 100 years on the anniversary of the murder. The exact date, alas, has been lost to history. 

5. Memorial to victims of communism by Olbram Zoubek - This harrowing series of bronze statues portrays seven broken, decaying men descending a flight of stairs commemorate the victims of Communism in the Czech Republic. 

6. Crawling babies by David Černý - You can spot these larger-than-life babies in two locations around Prague: at the Zizkov Tower and in Kampa Park. These creepy-looking babies are a symbol of the Communist era and how the totalitarian rule stifled their ability to reach adulthood. 

7. Piss statue by David Černý - Just in front of the Kafka Museum is situated a fountain titled Piss. The basin of the fountain is made out of bronze, and it is formed in the shape of the Czech Republic. Two men are standing on opposite ends, and they appear to be peeing onto the country. Visitors can even send an SMS to the fountain, and the men will write the message into the water. 

8. Statue of St John of Nepomuk - This statue is one of the 30 sculptures mounted to the balustrade of the Charles Bridge. The statue represents the court priest of King Wenceslas IV, who supposedly died after being thrown off the bridge in 1383. Legend has it that the king had him killed because St John refused to reveal the secret confessions of the queen. Touching the statue is supposed to bring good luck and ensure that visitors return to Prague soon. 

9. Il Commendatore by Anna Chromý - Outside the Estates Theater, where Mozart conducted the 1787 premiere of his opera Don Giovanni, there is a heavy shroud around an empty space. This figure represents the opera’s character Il Commendatore, who appears as a ghost. 

10. Czech Musicians by Anna Chromý - This is by far my favourite. It has four bronze figures dancing around a fountain. All are blindfolded, and each plays a different instrument. They represent four major rivers of the world: the Ganges, the Amazon, the Danube and the Mississippi. The dancers are so expertly captured that it is hard to not be enchanted by their fluidity and expression – it’s almost as if you can hear their music being played. 

 

And then I include some bonus sculptures which may not be as relevant as the above mentioned, but which I stumbled upon and found very fascinating as well. 

11. This lady stood at the back side of the Church of Our Lady before Týn 

12. This statue I found perched on the corner of a random building 

13. Statue of King Charles IV at the entrance to the Charles Bridge

© Nishtha Khurana, 2019. All rights reserved. The text as well as the pictures are both subject to copyright and are the property of the author. Please do not copy or reproduce without permission.

Re-invention is all about intention!

Just few days back I was in a training where we were discussing about reinventing yourself. The speaker was the CEO of a Russian Bank and he was discussing how thrice over the company had seen political and financial crisis in their country and how every time they had re-invented themselves according to the situation and emerged stronger.

One of the questions he was asked was "What if it is not possible to re-invent yourself?" He smiled and said, "It is always possible if you want to. It's not a question about possibility but about intention. If you have the intention, you will find a way." And then he gave a perfect example of re-invention where very few people would think possible - Cirque du Soliel. The example of Cirque du Soliel really caught me and it has since been spinning in my head.

After all, how much can a circus hope to re-invent itself? What's the scope? And yet they did it... Not a single animal is there any more in any of their shows. But, it's still a beautiful display of skills... And it's grand and bigger then ever before; almost equivalent to a Broadway show. With the ticket prices touching the sky, they barely do a show that's not sold out. Now that is re-invention. It really is a question of intent.

Image source: Google search

Some thoughts on Pulwama

I was in Prague when Pulwama happened. I was in whole day long workshops and was generally cut-off from all contacts except during short coffee breaks between sessions when I would get to check my phone. It was a sudden spurge of WhatsApp messages on our soldiers that actually made me sit up; with my heart beating faster wondering what had happened in India. In the middle of one of the sessions, totally unable to pay any attention, I did a frantic google search on the day's news when I read about the dastardly attack and the 42 brave lives lost. The news felt like someone had punched me in the gut and I couldn't share it with anyone as all my colleagues in the workshops were Europeans, Russians, Americans and South-East Asians. Nobody would understand.

Brave lives lost (Image source: Google image search)

I mentioned it to my team while on dinner table and they just looked somberly at me and asked, "Oh, someone related to you was also involved?" How do I tell them that they were all related to me... Maybe not by blood or even by acquaintance; but by their love and their sacrifice for our country. They did not understand the weight of being obliged by care and security shown by a stranger. Because then they are not strangers anymore. They are related to you. Yeah, they did not understand. All of the people involved were related to me. Their families were related to me.

Another thing that dawned on me was that the citizens of these countries will never understand the pride of devoting one's life to their motherland. None of their countries had a "voluntary army" i.e. being in army was not a profession. Everyone had to mandatorily serve in the army for 1 or 2 years. That was what their army was comprised of. It was comprised of people fulfilling their compulsion. It was not comprised of people driven by passion and "jazba" to serve their motherland. It was not comprised of people who choose army as a way of life because they love their country. These people will never understand.

They discussed about the futility of war. It was a normal dinner table discussion for them. They told me that they were aware how "India and Pakistan were at war". They wondered why people chose war. But then they don't understand that we did not choose this war. And I hope we never choose a war, no matter how much anger we see around in people. I hope we choose to understand that war and terrorism are two different things and war is no solution to the problem of terrorism.

I do stand in solidarity with the soldiers and their families and I participate in the grief. I am also angry like most Indians but I do not support the call for going to war. Let's leave it to the people who know best and who are impacted the most too.