Standard Procedure: Harass Divorced People

Disclaimer: I am not sure whether divorced males also go through the same harassment. For all I know, they might. Hence, I am keeping this article as gender neutral as possible. However, I must warn you that since it is based on my personal experiences, some people might find it reeking with ‘Feminism’.

Situation 1

After being forced to include my 'spouse's name' in my passport just two months before my mutual consent divorce at the time of renewal, I was now faced with a situation where I had to get it removed now that the divorce was finalized. Because of the harrowing experience I had had with the authorities, I had managed to procrastinate and put it off as much as I could, but I realized that I had to eventually get it done. I found out about an agent who helped with anything related to passport. So, basically he charged me a fee and he filled my application, paid passport fee, secured an appointment and arranged my documents (read checked whether I have arranged all required documents). I handed him my documents in the third week of February.

Me: How long does this take? I am asking because I will have to travel sometime in last week of May and will also need time for Visa.

Agent: Oh! May is too far yet. The process nowadays is very quick. I’ll arrange your appointment within a week, and we will apply for a "post-verification". So, you will have your passport within 4 days of your appointment. The police verification will keep on happening later.

The sly agent then kept making excuses and only managed an appointment for 11th April.

Me: Isn't it too close for travel? What if there's a delay?

Agent: Naa, naa! You don’t worry! I know people there. We will apply for a "post-verification". So, you will have your passport within 4 days of your appointment.

So, I went for my appointment. Luckily, contrary to my previous experience, the appointment went very smoothly. I expected some nasty questions about my divorce but there were absolutely none. I was happy about the whole routine; until I got the acknowledgement for my application, that is, for my acknowledgement clearly mentioned "pre-verification". Almost panicking, I called my agent who very conveniently hadn't even shown up at the 'Passport Seva Kendra' (PSK) that day.

Me: Madan* ji, my acknowledgement says "pre-verification". I thought you applied for "post-verification".

Agent: Naa naa ji, I cannot choose that option while applying. They themselves decide.

Me: But, what do we do now? I have to travel in the last week of May and I will need 15-20 days for the Visa as well.

Agent: Oh ho, don't worry! Just relax! Nowadays passports come well before 30 days. You'll have enough time for the Visa.

Me: That's okay. But what if it doesn't? I don’t want to be tethered to the hook till the last minute.

Agent: Nothing like that would happen. I am there naa? I will get everything sorted.

As it happened, my passport did not come back till 40 days and while my agent blissfully gave me excuses and stories, I was running between Police Station to Passport Verification Cell in the Commissioner's office and pleading just about anyone for expediting the process including the very efficient and tech-savvy MEA and RPO on twitter. (Well, a short note of thanks to them who eventually printed and dispatched me the passport within hours after police verification report was submitted.) All this while, I called my agent at least thrice everyday only to have the same conversation every time.

Me: Madan ji, what’s the status?

Agent: Ma'am, the status is same. The police verification report is pending.

Me: Please do something. I need my passport.

Agent: Ma'am, what can I do? I have no control over the police verification report.

Me: You got me into it. You filed the application so late and then you didn't even get it in "post-verification" like you promised.

Agent: I never promised "post-verification". Your case is not even eligible for "post-verification".

Me: What do you mean?

Agent: Ma'am, divorce cases never go for "post-verification" or "tatkal". They only go for "pre-verification".

Me: What? What stupidity is that? What does my divorce have to do with police verification? The police will not check my marital status. They only ask for address proof, identity proof and signatures of two neighbours stating that I live where I say I live.

Agent: I know ma'am. But it is always so in legal matters.

Me: Legal matters? There is no legal matter here. It's all sorted and I have submitted a decree of divorce from a competent court as part of my documents. Am I some criminal or what?

Agent: I can understand ma'am. But it is what it is. Divorce cases never go for "post-verification" or "tatkal". That’s standard procedure.

Seething with fury, I shut up because I knew that nothing could be done now. What hurts is that not only I am being harassed because I am divorced, but even my child is not "eligible" to get her passport under "post-verification" or "tatkal" ever because of her parent’s marital status. And she didn't even choose our divorce. But, that is standard procedure. 

Situation 2

The very next day of getting my passport in hand, I apply for the business visa. The guidelines say that there should be clear 10 working days between the date of application and the date of travel. In my case, it is at best 10 days and not 10 working days. Still my company pulls some strings through their headquarters in the country I want to visit and my application gets accepted and I am called in the VFS to submit my documents. The agents there are generally helpful and friendly and they tell me that my documents are in order until one of them (let's call him Agent 1) scans through my application to see whether it’s complete:

Agent 1: Ma'am, are you divorced?

Me: Yes.

Agent 1: Ma'am, have you attached a proof of divorce?

Me: No.

Agent 1: Ma'am, we would need a proof of divorce from you. Are you carrying it?

Me: No. It was not mentioned in the list of documents on your website or by the travel agent my company deals with.

Agent 1: Not an issue ma'am. I will give you my email id, you can mail it to me today. I assume it would be a decree of divorce that you will have.

Me: Sir, I'm sorry, but, I don't understand. Why do you need my decree of divorce? What does it have to do with my travel? I am applying for a business visa. I am travelling for company work on a trip entirely paid for by my company. I am not even mixing it with leisure or tourism. And I have provided you all documents to substantiate that. Where does decree of divorce come into the picture?

Agent 1: Yes, ma'am; but we need a proof of your marital status.

Me: Do you ask for marriage certificates from people who are married?

Agent 1 burst into a laughter and then looks at the serious expression on my face and controls himself.

Me: You think I am being funny?

Agent 1: No ma'am.

Me: So, please answer my question. Do you ask for marriage certificates from people who are married? Or unmarried people for that matter? Do you ask them to prove they are unmarried?

Agent 1: No ma'am.

Me: No. You don't ask for proof of marital status from married or unmarried people then why do you need proof of marital status from me? Right now, I'm single or unmarried. That's it.

Agent 1: Look ma'am, I can understand that you are upset about being asked for a document that is not mentioned in the list. 

Me: Look sir, you need to understand that I am upset about being asked for a document that has got nothing to do with my business trip and moreover that is not asked from other people at all. I do not understand why my case should be treated any differently.

Agent 1 is quiet and looks lost but he still manages an answer: Yes ma'am, but it is standard procedure.

"Standard procedure" again; and by now I am fairly pissed off. But I shut up because I need my Visa to be processed as soon as possible and I didn't want to create any situation that may delay the process. 

A while later, my will power is further tested when another agent (let's call him Agent 2) who was standing right behind Agent 1 was asked to hand over a folder so that Agent 1 who was entering my data in the system could put my papers in it. Agent 2 suddenly glances over my marital status just as Agent 1 was turning the page. He stops Agent 1 and puts his finger on the word divorced.

Agent 2: Ugh, ma'am… Are you divorced? Ma'am we would need a proof of your…

Agent 1, looking a bit embarrassed, immediately stops him by hand and fumbles with a weak "I've already told her and she will mail it to me". I just look at him and don't answer. 

Agent 2: Okay. But please do it today itself because we won't be able to process your application otherwise and I see that you need the Visa as early as possible.

Me (impatiently): Okay. If you need it so urgently, I have a scan in my laptop which I have submitted outside at the baggage counter. I can show it to you right away if it's what you want.

Agent 1: No ma'am, no need. You can mail it to me. I've mentioned my email id here.

Agent 1 (now looking at Agent 2 who was unable to understand why I was so irritated): Ma'am will do it today.

Situation 3

This incident is from a year ago and I had vented part of my frustration after the incident in my blogpost here. The incident happened in my daughter's schools (we had just shifted her to a new one) where the school Registrar insisted on biological father's details in school even if the father has had nothing to do with the child, either socially or financially. She maintained that she is just "following the law" and granting rights to the biological parent. No matter how much I tried to reason, she insisted on stating those details on ID Cards, Report Cards etc. as a permanent reminder to my child that she has a father who doesn't care at all for her. Well, my daughter has overcome that now but let me tell you that it was very frustrating for her initially. More so because they held back her ID card and Almanac until I relented and allowed them in writing to put the name in their records and even "reimbursed" the costs they had incurred on printing the "incorrect ID Cards" (And there were 3 of them including Parents ID Cards). Talk about blackmailing!

Anyway, at that time, they had convinced me – verbally of course because they never give any such commitment in writing – that for all practical purposes I would be the guardian and my details would be used. Then, three months down the line, we received a "Doctor-on-call" card from school which states the person to be contacted and their details in case of any emergency, primarily medical, that the child may be in. The card conveniently carried the father's details there.

Needless to say I was irked and I showed up at the Registrar office with the card.

Me (after explaining the situation): Ma'am, I was promised by you that you will put a remark in my daughter's file that I would be the one who would be referred to in all scenarios as a parent and guardian. What is this all about then?

Registrar (very casually): Relax ma'am! It’s just an oversight.

Me: Oversight? You call this oversight? This card is to be used in a medical emergency. My ex-husband, and I know him better than you, will not react to any such situation you contact him about. Which essentially means that there is no one who will be there if – God forbid – my daughter is in a situation.

Registrar: Ma'am. You are over reacting. We are not responsible for this. We only share details of all students with the outsourced vendor who is the card-issuer and putting the father's name as person to be contacted is just the process they follow. 

Me: Oh really? First, you did not ask my, or for that matter any parent's, consent before sharing my daughter's details with an outsourced vendor. Second, you are making a generalization and define a process whereby only fathers will be contacted in case of emergency. If you are so hell-bent on including both parents' names on the ID card then why not here?

Registrar: Ma'am there is space for only one name on the card.

Me: What? Wow! That baffles me now. You are so particular about "following the law" and then you deny me "equal rights as a guardian" which the SC has allowed me as a mother simply because there’s no space on the card.

Registrar (coolly smiling and thus getting more and more on my nerves): Ma'am, there's nothing of that sort. We respect your rights as a guardian, this is just standard procedure.

Me: Standard procedure?

Registrar: Yes. However, I understand your concern and we attach a lot of importance to that card. So, obviously we would not like the wrong person to be stated on that card. We will take down your request for a new card and we will issue one to you. Please write an application on a plain paper and append that card with it. Then give it to the admin department along with the card charges. That would be Rs. 200/-. Your daughter will get a new card with your details next week.

Although I was boiling with rage here, I shut up because after all it was my daughter's school and I didn't want her to suffer any further. As I patiently wait for the school to put my name instead of my ex-husband's in the fee invoices and receipts as well even after being associated with the school for over a year, I have by now come to terms with the fact that it's nothing but 'standard procedure' and that as long as my office payroll department and the Income Tax Authorities accept them as valid Investment proofs, I should be okay to live with it.

*name changed.

Sisterly fun!

I am feeling nostalgic today. I am wearing a set of glass bangles which remind me of a story. It is the story about how three girls on their own got things done one fine day. When my sister completed her MBBS, she decided that she would like to complete her internship from Gurgaon. I went ahead and checked with the concerned hospital whether it is possible and they said that it is possible and you just need to get a signed letter from the authorities. So far it seemed very simple, but when she actually landed in Gurgaon about three days before she was scheduled to start her internship, we realized that the concerned authorities who were supposed to issue the letter were actually based out of Panchkula and not Gurgaon. Not only that, the hospital would not accept her without the letter presented on the first day itself and even a single day’s delay in starting the internship would mean she would not be eligible to get her degree in the current year and would effectively end up wasting 1 full year. With no time to waste, I put a leave request on mail in the evening and got on a night bus to Chandigarh along with my two sisters. We were at the entrance of the office at 6:30 a.m. and reading the business hours mentioned at the gate which started at 9:30 a.m. My sister was so tensed that she outrightly refused to have any breakfast and so the three of us sat there on the pavement hungry and just sharing silly jokes to keep our spirit alive. By 9:00 a.m. there were 2-3 more people waiting outside the gate who had come for the same reasons.

When we got talking to a man who was our father’s age, he told us that he was a doctor from Ambala and was there to get the same letter for his son. He also smirked when we told him we were there for the same reason and when asked why he said that they do not issue the letter easily and that it was his fourth trip to Panchkula to get that letter. My sister was on the verge of tears after hearing that when the two of us consoled her that we will not leave without the letter. We did not expect then that it would practically come down to exactly that scenario but it did.

We went from one desk to another, one door to another and even one floor to another. We skipped lunch as well and tricked the not-in-office big boss’ PA to pass on his number. We called him and pleaded him to come to office and sign the form (which I must appreciate that he did) and then split with each other to get the other work done. Eventually when just the stamping of the letter was pending, the person concerned simply vanished from his seat. It was already 4:00 p.m. by then and we had waited for half an hour when that doctor from Ambala came to me and asked whether our task was done. I smiled and said that just the stamp is pending and he laughed and told us that it is the stamp only for which he is coming since his last three trips. We had a train back at 6:30 p.m. and my sister was as anxious as she could be. Me and my other sister looked at her and then to her shocking glares, we simply raised hell. We went to his boss’ office and told him that his subordinate is missing from his seat since half an hour and that we need the stamp on the letter. We outrightly told him that we have a train in an hour’s time but we are not leaving without the stamped letter. We said that we have not booked into a hotel and are prepared to sit outside the office and let everyone know what happened if our sister’s whole year is wasted due to a stupid stamp. By now, we had attracted enough attention that his boss almost panicked and sent someone to look for the concerned person. Turned out that he was hiding in the men’s wash-room simply because he did not want us to get the letter in the first attempt. He was called to his seat by his boss and we just banged our file and letter in front of him. He stamped it. Then we took the file from the doctor uncle’s hand and we put it down in front of him and we asked him to stamp that as well, which he did. As we walked out of the office with my sister smiling ear to ear and the letter in her hand, the doctor uncle thanked us.

Half an hour later we were in the Sector 17 Chandigarh market where we filled up our starving bowels and also shopped for a few nitty-gritties including these set of bangles. Oh! What a day it was. And whenever me and my sisters sit down to gossip we remember it for all the fun, bonding and teamwork.

I can totally agree with this...

Inspirational quote from Michael Jordan

From frustrated to fiercely independent!!

I have evolved greatly as a person over the last few years. It has not been an easy journey, but, I am happy about the way I have handled it. I am proud of where I have reached but I have faith in where I can go.

Being in a bad relationship is not easy. You cannot decide whether you should stick on or let go. The decision is especially difficult when you have kids. You tend to continue and hold on for their sake. This can be very frustrating - actually very very very frustrating. And then comes a blow that breaks everything apart. The oft quoted 'final straw' is gone and you are forced to choose.

Choose between the socially acceptable and familiar but miserable life or the unknown, unfamiliar and maybe socially stigmatised life. I would say a very very difficult decision to make. In my case I chose the latter. Somehow the decision was entirely guided by what was best for my child and yet it was against what the society would have considered best for her.

I asked myself, "what would be better for her - growing up in peace with a single caring parent even if society asks a few uncomfortable questions or growing up in a strife engulfed household with an uncaring father and a frustrated and depressed mother always arguing and bickering even if the society thinks all is hunky dory?"

I decided in favour of former but not without giving the latter a chance. Friends and Family felt that I should try working out a reconciliation. Went in for mediation. I tried, he didn't, I was done.

People said it wasn't going to be easy. I said, "Okay, maybe not. But I am determined to make it happen." I decided that other people's opinion needn't become my destiny. My father said to me, "My child, never ever under any circumstances, give up on life. Because when the going gets tough, only the tough get going." I was determined to make him proud of me. I hope I have and I continue to do so.

I have since moved from frustrated to independent to fiercely independent. I have learned to take life head on and fight it out. I have faltered at times. True. But, then, life is like a boxing ring. It's not the one who falls down who loses but the one who falls and fails to get up.

I don't say I have never made mistakes nor do I guarantee that I won't do so in future. Life doesn't come with a set of instructions, after all. But I guarantee that I don't intend to go down without a fight. That I am sure of.

Climb Every Mountain In Life

By: Sean Swarner

I'm actually the first (and only) cancer survivor to summit the world's highest mountain... Mt. Everest. When I was only 13, I was diagnosed with Hodgkin's disease and given three months to live. When I was 15, I was diagnosed with Askin's Sarcoma. The prognosis was much worse as the doctors gave me only two weeks to live. Again, I survived.

Being the only person in the world to have ever had these two cancers, I really felt I should share my story to help motivate others and influence lives. On May 16th, 2002 at 9:32am, I became the first cancer survivor to summit Mt. Everest.

Since then, I have been lucky enough to reach the summits of three more of the world's seven highest peaks and have spoken internationally about my life and adventures to countless people and organizations. On the summit of Everest I brought a flag adorned with names of people who have been affected by cancer and left it on the top of the world forever commemorating the struggle of cancer patients worldwide.

I did the same to the highest point in Africa, Europe and just recently returned from 23,000-foot Aconcagua in South America! My ultimate goal is to climb the highest mountain on each continent AND trek to the North and South poles.

I am covering the globe with inspiration. There are plans for live chat sessions during the expeditions as well as TV spots and live summit bids from a number of the mountains! The reason for these expeditions is to inspire those affected by cancer (as well as anyone with a pulse!) to dream big and never give up.

Sean Swarner
seanswarner.com
The CancerClimber Association
www.cancerclimber.org
1st Cancer Survivor/Patient to Summit Everest
International Inspirational Speaker
Chief Spokesperson, International Spirit of Life Foundation

Why I Give: Warren Buffett

In 2006, I made a commitment to gradually give all of my Berkshire Hathaway stock to philanthropic foundations. I couldn't be happier with that decision.

Now, Bill and Melinda Gates and I are asking hundreds of rich Americans to pledge at least 50% of their wealth to charity. So I think it is fitting that I reiterate my intentions and explain the thinking that lies behind them.

First, my pledge: More than 99% of my wealth will go to philanthropy during my lifetime or at death. Measured by dollars, this commitment is large. In a comparative sense, though, many individuals give more to others every day.

Millions of people who regularly contribute to churches, schools, and other organizations thereby relinquish the use of funds that would otherwise benefit their own families. The dollars these people drop into a collection plate or give to United Way mean forgone movies, dinners out, or other personal pleasures. In contrast, my family and I will give up nothing we need or want by fulfilling this 99% pledge.

Moreover, this pledge does not leave me contributing the most precious asset, which is time. Many people, including -- I'm proud to say -- my three children, give extensively of their own time and talents to help others. Gifts of this kind often prove far more valuable than money. A struggling child, befriended and nurtured by a caring mentor, receives a gift whose value far exceeds what can be bestowed by a check. My sister, Doris, extends significant person-to-person help daily. I've done little of this.

What I can do, however, is to take a pile of Berkshire Hathaway stock certificates -- "claim checks" that when converted to cash can command far-ranging resources -- and commit them to benefit others who, through the luck of the draw, have received the short straws in life. To date about 20% of my shares have been distributed (including shares given by my late wife, Susan Buffett). I will continue to annually distribute about 4% of the shares I retain. At the latest, the proceeds from all of my Berkshire shares will be expended for philanthropic purposes by 10 years after my estate is settled. Nothing will go to endowments; I want the money spent on current needs.

This pledge will leave my lifestyle untouched and that of my children as well. They have already received significant sums for their personal use and will receive more in the future. They live comfortable and productive lives. And I will continue to live in a manner that gives me everything that I could possibly want in life.

Some material things make my life more enjoyable; many, however, would not. I like having an expensive private plane, but owning a half-dozen homes would be a burden. Too often, a vast collection of possessions ends up possessing its owner. The asset I most value, aside from health, is interesting, diverse, and long-standing friends.

My wealth has come from a combination of living in America, some lucky genes, and compound interest. Both my children and I won what I call the ovarian lottery. (For starters, the odds against my 1930 birth taking place in the U.S. were at least 30 to 1. My being male and white also removed huge obstacles that a majority of Americans then faced.) My luck was accentuated by my living in a market system that sometimes produces distorted results, though overall it serves our country well. I've worked in an economy that rewards someone who saves the lives of others on a battlefield with a medal, rewards a great teacher with thank-you notes from parents, but rewards those who can detect the mispricing of securities with sums reaching into the billions. In short, fate's distribution of long straws is wildly capricious.

The reaction of my family and me to our extraordinary good fortune is not guilt, but rather gratitude. Were we to use more than 1% of my claim checks on ourselves, neither our happiness nor our well-being would be enhanced. In contrast, that remaining 99% can have a huge effect on the health and welfare of others. That reality sets an obvious course for me and my family: Keep all we can conceivably need and distribute the rest to society, for its needs. My pledge starts us down that course.

(Source: http://givingpledge.org/#warren_buffett)

Anecdotes: Albert Einstein

I have stumbled over this really wonderful website of Anecdotes of well-known personalities. I would love to put some anecdotes over this space now and then. To start with, I chose Albert Einstein and there are some truly wonderful anecdotes regarding some witty instances with the Nobel laureate.


Albert Einstein: Nuclear Reaction?

Albert Einstein was once introduced to the eighteen-month-old son of a young friend. The infant looked into the old physicist's wizened face and promptly began to bawl.
"You're the first person for years," Einstein declared, patting the child on the head, "who has told me what you really think of me."

Modest Einstein

One day in 1905, the prestigious Annalen der Physik (Annals of Physics) published three separate papers by the 26-year old Albert Einstein. The first proposed wave-particle duality, an update of Max Planck's quantum theory of radiation; light, Einstein declared, travels simultaneously as a wave and as particles called quanta. The second explained the complexities of Brownian motion (ping pong motion at the molecular level). And the third, Einstein matter-of-factly explained in a letter to a friend, "modifies the theory of space and time." It was Einstein's special theory of relativity.

Incredibly Einstein, then working as a Swiss patent clerk, had produced the papers in his spare time and modestly sent them to the journal for publication - "if there is room."

[The physicist Louis de Broglie called Einstein's contributions "blazing rockets which in the dark of the night suddenly cast a brief but powerful illumination over an immense unknown region." Indeed, his work in that single year led to the discovery of (among other things) X-ray crystallography, DNA, the photoelectric effect, vacuum tubes, transistors, and nuclear energy.]

Relativity Explained!

Albert Einstein was often asked to explain the general theory of relativity. "Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour," he once declared. "Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. That's relativity!"

["Since the mathematicians have invaded the theory of relativity," Einstein once remarked, "I do not understand it myself anymore."]


Albert Einstein: Stroke of Genius?

Though Albert Einstein became a passionate Zionist (partly in response to Germany's growing anti-Semitism) he also expressed concern about the rights of Arabs in any Jewish state.
He later spent the last day of his life drafting a speech to mark the anniversary of Israel's independence; perhaps fittingly, he died of a stroke.

[Einstein was offered the presidency of the new state of Israel in 1952. He declined. "Politics is for the moment," he once remarked, "while... an equation is for eternity."]


Albert Einstein: Scientific Revolution

Albert Einstein was visited one day by one of his students. "The questions on this year's exam are the same as last year's!" the young man exclaimed. "Yes," Einstein replied, "but this year all the answers are different."


[While Isaac Newton's theoretical framework provides excellent results for everyday calculations, at relativistic speeds (those approaching the speed of light) classical equations indeed yield very inaccurate results.]


Simple Question?

One day during a speaking tour, Albert Einstein's driver, who often sat at the back of the hall during his lectures, remarked that he could probably give the lecture himself, having heard it so many times. Sure enough, at the next stop on the tour, Einstein and the driver switched places, with Einstein sitting at the back in his driver's uniform.

Having delivered a flawless lecture, the driver was asked a difficult question by a member of the audience. "Well, the answer to that question is quite simple," he casually replied. "I bet my driver, sitting up at the back there, could answer it..."

[Probably apocryphal.]


Relative Weakness

Shortly after Albert Einstein fled from Germany (in 1932), one hundred Nazi professors published a book (One Hundred Authors Against Einstein) condemning his theory of relativity. "If I were wrong," Einstein said in his defense, "one professor would have been enough."


[In 1933 (the year of Hitler's formal rise to power), Jewish scientists were fired en masse. (Half of Germany's theoretical physicists lost their jobs). Hitler cared little about the consequences. "If science cannot do without Jews," he told the physicist Max Planck, "then we will have to do without science for a few years." But for Hitler's misjudgment, the Nazis would almost certainly have beaten America in the race to develop nuclear weapons.]

Particular Uncertainty

Despite Werner Heisenberg's Nobel Prize for its formulation, Albert Einstein never accepted the so-called "uncertainty principle" (which stipulates that the more carefully one measures the position of a given particle, the less certain its momentum becomes) because it threatened to wreak havoc with the strict determinism in which he believed.

Indeed, the uncertainty principle was a subject about which Einstein and Niels Bohr argued many times over the years. On one memorable occasion (at the Solvay conference in Brussels in 1930) Einstein unveiled the product of one of his famous "thought experiments": an imaginary device comprised of clocks and scales, which, he claimed, violated the principle.

Following a sleepless night, however, Bohr discovered that Einstein had made a critical error: he had neglected to take into account the fact that clocks run slower in a gravitational field... a consequence, rather ironically, of Einstein's own theory of relativity.

Einstein's Attire

Albert Einstein's wife often suggested that he dress more professionally when he headed off to work. "Why should I?" he would invariably argue. "Everyone knows me there." When the time came for Einstein to attend his first major conference, she begged him to dress up a bit. "Why should I?" said Einstein. "No one knows me there!"

["When I was young I found out that the big toe always ends up making a hole in a sock," Einstein once recalled. "So I stopped wearing socks." Einstein also allegedly once declared: "Once you can accept the universe as matter expanding into nothing that is something, wearing stripes with plaid comes easy."]



Young Einstein

Albert Einstein was a very late talker. At the dinner table one evening, he finally broke his long silence: "The soup is too hot," he complained. His parents, greatly relieved, asked him why he had never spoken before. "Because," he replied, "up to now everything has been in order."

[Though Einstein (whose teacher described him as a slow thinker and an antisocial daydreamer) was four years old before he could speak and seven before he could read, according to the mathematical historian Otto Neugebauer, this story is apocryphal.]


Egghead?

Albert Einstein once declared that his second greatest idea (after the theory of relativity) was to add an egg while cooking soup in order to produce a soft-boiled egg without having an extra pot to wash!


Classic Einstein

One day Albert Einstein and an assistant found themselves searching for a paper clip with which to bind a newly-finished physics paper. Though they soon found one, it proved too badly misshapen to be used. While searching for a tool which could be used to straighten it they came across... a large box of paper clips.
Incredibly, Einstein opened the box, removed a new clip and promptly began to shape it into such a tool (to straighten the bent clip). His assistant, considerably puzzled, asked him why he was bothering to do this.

"Once I am set on a goal," Einstein replied, "it becomes difficult to deflect me."

[Einstein himself once told a Princeton colleague that this was the most representative anecdote which could be told about him.]


Mystery of the Universe?

"There is a wonderful photograph of Albert Einstein [taken in 1953] by Ernst Haas which shows him rubbing his chin in a pensive mood, apparently contemplating the mystery of the universe. In fact the picture was taken immediately after Haas had asked Einstein where he had shelved a particular book."

Human Stupidity

"Only two things are infinite - the universe and human stupidity," Einstein once remarked, "and I'm not sure about the former."

Einstein at Princeton

"At Princeton, Albert Einstein was more like a kindly uncle. When he arrived in 1935, and was asked what he would require for his study, he replied: 'A desk, some pads and a pencil, and a large wastebasket - to hold all of my mistakes.'"

[To avoid embarrassment, Einstein's salary request was raised by Princeton administrators.]

Einstein's Homework

Albert Einstein spent his last two decades trying to reconcile quantum physics with relativity. His holy grail - a so-called "Unified Field Theory" - eluded him. He once casually mentioned to a colleague that he was on the verge of his "greatest discovery ever," before admitting that "it didn't pan out" just two weeks later.

One day in his twilight years, he received a letter from a 15-year-old girl asking for help with a homework assignment. She soon received a curious reply: a page full of unintelligible diagrams, along with an attempt at consolation: "Do not worry about your difficulties in mathematics," Einstein told her. "I can assure you that mine are much greater!"


Albert Einstein: Vegas, Baby

While attending a physics symposium in Las Vegas one year, Albert Einstein, to the astonishment of many of his sober-minded colleagues, spent a fair amount of time at the craps and roulette tables.

"Einstein is gambling as if there were no tomorrow," an eminent physicist remarked one day.

"What troubles me," another replied, "is that he may know something!"

["As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not certain," Einstein once remarked, "and as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality."]

[Trivia: In April 2004, Ashley Revell sold everything he owned, went to Las Vegas, and bet his life savings ($135,000) on one spin of a roulette wheel. "Never again," he later remarked. "It was mad!" (He won.)]


Relativity

Scientific American once ran a competition offering several thousand dollars for the best explanation of Albert Einstein's general theory of relativity in three thousand words.

"I'm the only one in my entire circle of friends who is not entering," Einstein ruefully remarked. "I don't believe I could do it."

Einstein's Phonebook

When one of Albert Einstein's colleagues asked the eminent physicist for his telephone number one day, he reached for a telephone directory and looked it up. "You don't remember your own number?" the man asked, understandably startled. "No," Einstein replied with a shrug. "Why should I memorize something I can so easily get from a book?"

[Though this story is likely apocryphal, Einstein did claim never to memorize anything which could be looked up in less than two minutes.]


Relativity

One day, one of Albert Einstein's assistants expressed his joy that experimental results had confirmed the General Theory of Relativity. "But I knew that the theory was correct," Einstein calmly remarked.
The assistant then asked what he would have done had his predictions not been confirmed. "Then," Einstein replied, "I would have felt sorry for our dear Lord - the theory is correct."


Universal Notion?

Albert Einstein once attended a scientific conference at which an eminent astronomer declared that "to an astronomer, man is nothing more than an insignificant dot in an infinite universe." "I have often felt that," Einstein replied. "But then I realize that the insignificant dot who is man is also the astronomer."

Technically Stupid?

In 1898, young Albert Einstein applied for admission to the Munich Technical Institute - and was turned down. The reason? The young man, the Institute declared, "showed no promise" as a student.
By 1905, he had formulated his special theory of relativity.


Einstein's Wife

Albert Einstein's wife was once given a guided tour of the Mount Wilson Observatory (in California), whose giant optical telescope was among the largest in the world.

"One of the principal functions of all this sophisticated machinery," an astronomer explained, "is to determine the extent and shape of the universe."

"Oh," she replied, "my husband does that on the back of an old envelope."

[Einstein's second wife, Elsa, was once asked whether she understood her husband's theory of relativity. "No," she replied, "but I know my husband and I know he can be trusted."]


Cosmic Blooper

Shortly after the publication of Albert Einstein's general theory of relativity (in 1915), Alexander Friedmann (a Russian mathematician) was surprised to discover that Einstein had failed to notice a remarkable prediction made by his equations: that the universe is expanding (a prediction later confirmed by observations made by Edwin Hubble in the 1920s).

The cause of Einstein's oversight? He had, incredibly, made an elementary error in his calculations: In effect, he had divided by zero (a cardinal sin in mathematics)!

Typical Male?

"Time named Albert Einstein 'Man of the Century,'" Jay Leno reported one day in December 1999. "It turns out his wife caught him cheating and divorced him. Even Einstein couldn't pull it off..."

WWIII

"I don't know how the third world war will be fought," Albert Einstein once remarked, "but I do know that the fourth one will be fought with sticks and stones."

[Einstein knew what his work had wrought; after the war he made a tearful apology to visiting Japanese physicist Hideki Yukawa.]

All Relative

Shortly after his formulation of the general theory of relativity in 1915, Albert Einstein (a German-born Jew) delivered an address at the Sorbonne in Paris. "If my theory of relativity is proven successful," he declared, "Germany will claim me as a German and France will declare that I am a citizen of the world. Should my theory prove untrue, France will say that I am a German and Germany will declare that I am a Jew."

[In 1919, Einstein's theory was confirmed by observations made from the island of Principe during an eclipse. Fifteen years later, he left Germany for the United States (after Adolf Hitler's rise to power).]


Consider Betelgeuse

Albert Einstein was among the notable guests who attended the premiere of Charlie Chaplin's City Lights in 1931. While visiting Hollywood, the famed physicist attempted to explain his theories to a studio executive. "For instance, consider Betelgeuse," he remarked at one point. "Betelgeuse, one of the greatest stars in the whole system, can be photographed merely by means of one ray of light..."

Sometime after Einstein left, the executive called his casting director. "Say," he shouted. "I want you should go out and sign up this feller Betelgeuse, and I want you should sign him up quick. Einstein, who knows everything, says he's one of the greatest stars in the business!"



Albert Einstein: Duet

Young Albert Einstein once played a duet in a German salon. At one point the amateur musician struck a wrong note on his violin, prompting Ferenc Molnar, the witty Hungarian playwright, to burst out laughing. The gentle Einstein stopped playing to address the interruption. "Why do you laugh, Molnar?" he asked. "Have you ever seen me laugh when I was sitting through one of your comedies?"

Stellar Student?

At a dinner party one evening, Albert Einstein found himself conversing with a neighbour’s daughter. "What are you, by profession?" she asked. "I devote myself to the study of physics," Einstein replied. "You mean to say you study physics at your age?" the girl exclaimed. "I finished mine a year ago!"

Luminaries

Albert Einstein was among the luminaries invited by Charlie Chaplin to attend the premiere of City Lights. Fans welcomed both men with wild applause. "They cheer me because they all understand me," Chaplin remarked, "and they cheer you because no one understands you."

Genius

Albert Einstein perfected a technique for getting rid of unwanted guests. After some time, a maid would enter the room with a bowl of soup. If Einstein accepted it, his guest would feel that he was interrupting a meal and be obliged to leave. On the other hand, if Einstein wished to continue talking, he would simply wave the soup away, as if he couldn't imagine why it had even arrived.

Albert Einstein's Last Words

"We shall never know what wonders Albert Einstein revealed on his deathbed," one biographer remarked however, "since his last words were overheard by a clueless American nurse who mistook his High German for low babbling."

[Fearful that his grave would be a magnet for mischief, Albert Einstein's executors had his body cremated before secretly scattering his ashes. A pathologist kept his brain, however, hoping to discover the secret of his genius. Canadian researchers later found that he had shorter connections between the frontal and temporal lobes and a larger inferior parietal lobe - a locus of mathematical and spatial cognition - than average men (though no larger, perhaps, than average mathematicians).]

Always Thinking...

Before visiting the Berlin Astrophysical Observatory one day, Albert Einstein and fellow physicist Philipp Frank agreed to meet on a certain bridge in Potsdam. When Frank expressed concern about being late, Einstein told him not to worry; he would simply wait on the bridge.

Frank then expressed concern about wasting his colleague's time. "The kind of work I do can be done anywhere," Einstein replied. "Why should I be less capable of reflecting about my problems on the Potsdam Bridge than at home?"

[Trivia: "The hardest thing in the world to understand," Einstein once remarked, "is the income tax."]


Einstein's Future

Albert Einstein was once asked about predictions for the future. "I never worry about the future," he replied. "It comes soon enough."


Human Problems

Albert Einstein was once offered the presidency of Israel. He declined. He had no head, he said, for human problems. Perhaps he was right...

While his physical theories and experiments were an impenetrable mystery to his second wife, Elsa, she often expressed a desire to learn. "Couldn't you tell me a little about your work?" she asked one day. "People talk a lot about it, and I appear so stupid when I say I know nothing." Einstein, after a moment's thought, produced a curious solution to her human problem: "If people ask," he advised, "tell them you know all about it, but can't tell them, as it is a great secret!"