Women should support women

​I was having a discussion today with a junior at work, a girl who I had started interacting with recently. We discuss a lot of work-related stuff, and she often comes to me for advice. Today she told me, “Ma’am, I love talking to you as you always encourage me and give me practical advice. Otherwise, my experience with female bosses and peers have never been good and sometimes I feel that many women are vicious with other women even when they support men at their workplace.”

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 That got me thinking. Even my experience with female bosses and colleagues has been mixed, much like my experience with male bosses and colleagues; but I guess this hurts more because one would assume that being someone in the same shoes, the other woman would be more supportive. After all, a woman should know another woman’s struggle, right? And yet, it doesn’t happen like that. Even I had a female boss who would shout or even insult me for every small thing while she wouldn’t be as spiteful with my male colleagues; not even when one of my colleagues made a blunder costing the company huge losses. I used to think, is the patriarchy so ingrained in her that she finds it so difficult to raise a voice against the men while she finds it so very convenient to do so against women?

Even outside workplace, this is a common scenario. I have seen Family courts are full of female judges who favour husbands in domestic violence cases. And I am not talking about exceptions here, because every woman who has gone to a family court to seek redressal has felt the same. Right from husband’s availability being given more importance than wife’s for the next date to the wife being told “thoda bardasht karna seekho (learn to endure a little)”, I have seen it all. I remember once I had seen a warring couple step out of court after being given the next date, when the man started beating his wife in public right outside the court. The lady ran back inside and told the judge what happened. All the judge said was, “Toh tujhe kisne kaha tha uske saamne jaane ke liye? Jab yahan khadi hoke use bura bhala bolegi toh usse gussa nahin aayega kya? (Who told you to go in front of him? If you stand here and say petty things about him, won’t he feel angry?)” I was left aghast.

They say, “Behind every successful woman is a tribe of other successful women, who have her back.” So why would you not back other women and have other women backing you.

And I have seen enough examples also of the reverse case where women have stood up for women. I do that proudly as often as I can. A colleague once was sharing a ‘juicy gossip’ with me about a female colleague going around with a male colleague and her having been seen entering the man’s house one evening. I asked him how it is any of his business to comment on it because as far as I see, they are two consenting adults, and the company policy nowhere prohibits any romantic relationships. The said company had a few married couples as employees already.

The best example I have seen of women solidarity is an incident I came across in the Crime against Women’s Cell. The usual scene at the CAWC is women complainants (most of whom belong to economically weaker sections and are not much educated), waiting for hours for their husbands (respondents) to show up for counselling, with no better time pass than watching other couples being counselled. I was doing the same that day. A woman complainant had been driven out of her marital home with her 6-month-old daughter as her husband was allegedly having an extra-marital affair. The couple had eloped and gotten married and neither her paternal family and nor her matrimonial family was supporting her, and she had taken refuge in a local Gurudwara since 2-months as she had nowhere to go. The lady was beautiful, even by the conventional societal norms – very fair, sharp feature and gorgeous hazel eyes – and her daughter was her splitting image. I could hear gossips about how a woman like her could be abandoned. I felt pity for the lady as she begged in front of the mediator/counsellor to ask her husband to take her back. The counsellor, a male, tried to convince her husband to do so as well, and went on to say that he should also think about his daughter. The husband, rude and nonchalant that he was, just shrugged and said, “Mujhe kya pata meri beti hai? Jaise mere saath bhaagi thi, kisi aur ke saath bhi to muh kala kiya ho sakta hai? (How do I know this is my daughter? The way she eloped with me; she could have been physically involved with someone else?)” The lady was furious that she pushed her husband with one hand (she was holding her daughter in the other) even as tears flowed down her eyes. The man, barely even falling a step back but taking a blow to his ego, immediately raised his hand to slap her but had to back off when at least 7-8 ladies around me screamed,came forward and stood by the wife’s side. In a flash of a second, she was surrounded and even all the counsellors were flabbergasted and stood up in attention. One of the ladies shouted, “Haath laga ke dikha! (Touch her and see!)” I could literally see fear on the face of the man who was acting like a daredevil or a badboy a minute ago. He had no choice but to back out even as the counsellors tried to take the situation back under control. I don’t know what happened in her case; and I often think about her wondering how and where she and her daughter would be. But that day I realized one thing – that even if a woman is herself in a tight spot (like all those ladies were), they can always be a force to reckon with if they support each other.

There’s a saying that “when women support each other, incredible things happen.” It’s actually true… Strong women stand together when things are rough, hold each other up when they need support, and laugh together when there’s no reason. They look out for each other. They stand with each other and not against each other. One woman can make a difference but together they can rock the world.

Flexible Working Hours are hardly a blessing

I have never been a fan of “flexible working hours” even though it has become a favourite “work-life balance” tool with the corporations in India off late. I believe that the argument that it encourages more women to take up a career holds good, but it comes at a cost. So, when I again found myself discussing this with someone today, I decided to pen my views for a larger audience and invite opinions in favour or against.

Two of my previous organisations had introduced the concept of “flexi-working hours” during my stints with them. And I had seen significant behavioural shifts in the male and female workforces there. When the policy is introduced, everyone is happy about it. The companies hail it as employee friendly policy and pitch it as one of the most important employee retention initiatives. It may retain the employees in some cases but my personal observation is that, in the larger picture, it has a negative effect on the society at large. After an year or so of introducing this policy, I had noticed that the women employees would come early to office, say around 8 am or so, and would leave early around 5 pm. Whereas it was the reverse case with male employees. They would come to office at around 11 am and would leave post 8 pm or even later. Not only does one struggle to squeeze all meetings within the 11 to 5 window but sometimes ladies are forced to stay back or join online after their office hours, especially if they are even slightly submissive in nature.

But that’s not even the most negative impact of the “flexi-working hours”. I would often talk to ladies who would move to an early shift and in almost all cases, I would realize that in the evening hours they are taking care of the kids and their homes single-handedly; running around for coaching and extra-curricular classes of their children, cooking meals, coordinating with maids and cooks, entertaining relatives etc. The husbands would stop contributing and participating in responsibilities because now the ladies “have time”. On the other hand, you talk to the men who moved to late shifts and ask them about their kids and family and you would realize that thanks to them reaching home late in the evening, they are now spared of all expectations to participate in the responsibilities of the kids and home. These men barely know what is going on in their children’s academics, rarely take them to various classes and almost never help with the chores at home. And God forbid if they are living with the parents, then the parents expect their wives to pamper them because their poor sons work till so late and slog themselves off for the family’s sake.

It may seem to be generalizing, but of course there are exceptions to the above. There were a few ladies who would go to the gym, salon, etc. or catch up with friends, but their number was fairly small and most of them had no kids or had grown-up kids and they didn’t live in joint families. Similarly, there were men who would prefer to go home and spend time with family and again the number was lesser than the other extreme and that was usually because of their personal choice and not because of any expectation from the family.

So, when I am asked about my views on “flexible working hours”, I would always point out that it may be the one of the worst contributions by a company to the society at large because even if it allows more women to take up jobs; it also tilts the balance in gender contribution at home unfavourably towards women. Therefore, in my opinion, the companies should think of other ways to encourage womenfolk to take up careers and not just bank on this policy

I am happy to listen to other people’s viewpoint on this and am open to sharing experiences, discussion and perspectives.

Re-invention is all about intention!

Just few days back I was in a training where we were discussing about reinventing yourself. The speaker was the CEO of a Russian Bank and he was discussing how thrice over the company had seen political and financial crisis in their country and how every time they had re-invented themselves according to the situation and emerged stronger.

One of the questions he was asked was "What if it is not possible to re-invent yourself?" He smiled and said, "It is always possible if you want to. It's not a question about possibility but about intention. If you have the intention, you will find a way." And then he gave a perfect example of re-invention where very few people would think possible - Cirque du Soliel. The example of Cirque du Soliel really caught me and it has since been spinning in my head.

After all, how much can a circus hope to re-invent itself? What's the scope? And yet they did it... Not a single animal is there any more in any of their shows. But, it's still a beautiful display of skills... And it's grand and bigger then ever before; almost equivalent to a Broadway show. With the ticket prices touching the sky, they barely do a show that's not sold out. Now that is re-invention. It really is a question of intent.

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Five things you experience as an independent divorced woman

I have always been a part of the cultured educated world and I had always assumed that with education and global exposure, India has moved ahead leaps and bounds and progressed away from the chauvinist, sexist mindsets in our lot. But over the years I have realized – generally through my personal experiences – that most of this progress is only superfluous. Even among the so-called modern, liberal-minded educated lot, you would find many an orthodox and even perverted people.

Moreover, if you happen to be an educated, independent and divorced woman in India, you will definitely be exposed to above-mentioned attitude as you go ahead to experience the following:

1. People assume your life is miserable: I had some time back written a post about how the general attitude of all people – male and female – you meet and happen to disclose your divorced status to, suddenly demonstrate reactions ranging from sympathy to outright pity. It is a fact that general mindset is to assume that you are divorced, so you are living a miserable and a traumatic life. Seriously, why is it so difficult for people to understand that a divorced woman can also have a happy and content life. For a confident independent woman, a husband is a partner and not an anchor. She doesn't normally need a man in her life to save her. She can do very well on her own. Thank you!
2. Women assume you are on the look-out for men: In India especially, even to this day, the society binds a woman’s happiness and the meaning of her life to a man. So it is automatically assumed that a divorced woman is on the look-out for a man to emotionally cling on to. And not just a man, a much married man too. Moreover, at times all of a sudden your married friends become really protective of their husbands even if you talk to them with normal expected courtesy; as if the poor divorced woman has nothing better to do in life than to pounce over your husband and steal him from you. Honestly, your silly little husband is not some teddy bear that anybody can pick up and walk away with; and if it is likely to be so; then you seriously need to re-think your relationship with your husband. Also, even men need to understand that if a divorced woman is talking to you or being generally friendly, she is not giving you a ‘hint’ or ‘line’. Just because she is divorced you do not get the licence to flirt or assume that the woman may be interested in you.
3. Male friends and acquaintances suddenly become overtly friendly: This is just so common. Like I said, men simply assume that if a woman is divorced, they have a right to flirt with her. In fact, I can almost sympathise with their wives and can even somewhat understand why they may act so possessive of their husbands. Well... at least in case of some of them. Once a divorced woman, like me, is fairly open and casual about her relationship status, all of sudden their male friends and acquaintances become overtly friendly. One person I used to work with ages ago and whom I had never met or even talked to since then, one day found out that my marriage did not survive. Next I know, every few weeks he starts messaging me at odd hours in the night. “Hey, what’s up? Are you still awake?” Turns out whenever his wife is away to her parents’ place, he is conveniently reminded of me. It happened once, and then again. But, the third time over I stopped entertaining his messages irrespective of the no. of “Hi” he sent me; though I admit that the last time round he tried contacting me again, albeit in vain, I had a very strong urge to block him forever. Maybe the next time I will. However, the fact is that he is not the only one. There are many others – former colleagues or clients with whom you have only interacted formally until now; normal acquaintances you meet at social gatherings, workshops etc. They all suddenly develop this very special deep bond of friendship over Whatsapp and Facebook Messengers. Seriously, these messenger services are a sudden boon to perverts. And though I do not normally respond to any messages of my male friends at night and even during the day I generally chat with them like I would chat with my other friends (considering that some of them are colleagues or even family friends or related to my daughter’s friends and it’s not nice to simply block them or tell them off); it’s not like I'm a fool to not be able to gauge their intentions. Nevertheless, I very well know where to draw a line.
4. Friends and relatives are always curious to know when you are getting married again: Well, it is the job of the relatives to always pester singles with when are you getting hitched questions; but once you are divorced it becomes the hottest interest in your life for other people. Be it friends, sometimes even colleagues and of course your relatives who keep on asking, “Aur? Dobara shaadi-waadi nahin karni?” or “Fir se shaadi kab kar rahi hai?”. Some of them even tend to sympathise, “Don’t worry, you’ll definitely find someone nice, who will also take care of your daughter.” Oh come on people, get a life. And please let me live mine.
5. Co-workers and subordinates assume you are taking out the frustration of your life on them: This too is quite common. The moment you disagree with someone at work for anything, no matter howsoever trivial; the moment you give any kind of a hard time to anybody at work; and even if you are generally really nice and sweet to all other wise; the first reaction is, “What the hell? Apni life ki frustration hum pe kyun utaar rahi hai? Pati-wati se bani nahin aur saari khundak office aake hum pe utarti hai.” Yeah… My office colleagues and subordinates are serving as my favourite punching bag because I am just so pissed off with my life that I would not even consider trading it off with any different one.

Why we should celebrate International Women's Day?

“The world has come a long way in the fight for women’s rights, but there is still a long way to go. In too many places around the globe, including my birthplace of Afghanistan, gender equality remains elusive. The struggle continues for millions of women. Today is International Women’s Day and it is a chance to celebrate the extraordinary achievements and contributions of women. It is a good day to raise awareness of the need for gender equality, and a good day to remember that this is not a feminist issue. When women are free to exercise their political, legal, and socioeconomic rights, we are all better off and we are all empowered.” – Khaled Hosseini (2015)

It was International Women’s Day two days ago and the above quote by famed author Khaled Hosseini beautifully sums up why the day is so important for the world. We have indeed come a long way but there is still a long, long way to go before we achieve that elusive balance between the two genders. How extraordinary is the idea of equality that we need a day in the year only to remind ourselves how much effort and struggle is still required to reach the goal where women get equal standing, equal place, equal rights, equal opportunities and equal respect to a man.

It is named as “women’s” day and we see just about everybody celebrating the women, telling everyone how wonderful this one-half of the human race is. Or is it the one-half? But we can come to that later. Let’s first look at how we celebrate the “International Women’s Day”. Since last few years, especially with the emergence of social media, Women’s Day is being used as a marketing tool. The Facebooks, Twitters, Whatsapps are full of messages promoting women as wonderful creations of God, special beings and probably someone superior to men. Corporates go out distributing flowers and cards, sometimes fulfilling their corporate social responsibility (CSR) by even giving a day off to ladies. Markets are full of Women’s Day special offers – Beauty Packages by Spas and Salons, Buy 1 Get 1 schemes at malls, Gifts, Jewellery, Chocolates, Flowers, Cards… You name it and it has a Women’s Day labelled gimmick to woo you.

But is that what this day is all about? Why on earth do we need to shout from rooftops how wonderful we are? And most importantly, why do we want to believe for the sake of saying that we are better than men when in spirit we do not even treat our own gender such? When women harass their daughters-in-law, why do we not tell them then how wonderful women are? When women are raped, assaulted and burnt alive, where are the men who tell them, “Oh! What a wonderful creation of God you are!”? When a girl child is aborted before it is born, why do the parents not feel proud to expect the “most special form of life” in their lives? And here is why we still are not one-half of the human race because even to this day, many of us are unwanted, uncared children of are parents even if we survive the birth. The truth is that women are not wonderful or special or better than men. The sad reality is that to this day, they are not even considered equal to men or as desired as men.

As I understand it, International Women's Day is about gender equality! It's not to prophesize in any way that women are better than men. The world will function better if we learn to use the synergies of a true and valued partnership of the two genders. A friend of mine shared some facts, which I would like to reproduce here. First set up in 1911, the celebration of International Women’s Day began, because women were demanding that they be given the "equal" right to vote - which they received in Britain in 1918 but just last year in Saudi Arabia. It's important to remember that even today not every where in the world and even in India are women "allowed" to hold public office and to be given equal employment rights as men. Women are still under-represented in parliament and in corporate in India and worldwide; they don't draw equal salaries for equal work performed; they still shoulder the primary burden in child rearing and are expected to do all domestic chores; healthcare for women is still not a priority in India and in most of the world; and moreover our streets are not even safe for women to be able to walk as equals to men. And it’s true… Our temples and mosques still bar women from entering their premises and circumstances beyond our control like widowhood and menstruation are still a taboo in many homes. Sexual Violence and domestic abuse still fill almost half the newspapers and that too when circa 70% of such crimes go unreported. Sometimes we wonder whether we should teach our women and children to scream “fire” instead of “rape”. It just might increase the chances of someone coming to help. Even in the US, that is considered the so-called epitome of development and democracy, there are more men named “John” serving as CEOs of Corporates as women in total.

In today’s times, even in day-to-day operation and even at places women are considered ‘liberated’ (and I have a very strong objection to that word being used in the sense it is used for women), we see general unintended and even natural behaviours that still highlight that the traditional mindsets have a long way to go. In my office, the CSR initiative team came to me to give some "tips" for the female employees in our company on how I maintain a work life balance and manage "both work and home". I refused to answer. Honestly, I think - and I told them so - this is the most clichéd and the most disturbing question asked to a woman because it reeks of implication that "home" is women's responsibility and work is something extra that they're doing. It implies that their work or career doesn't relieve them of their responsibility of managing the home. I simply asked the lady who approached me (and please notice that it was girl who came to me for the ‘advice’), “Have you asked the same question to my male colleagues? If yes, and if they've answered it, I will answer it otherwise I would excuse myself because as far as I am concerned home and children are as much a responsibility of men as of women, irrespective of whether they are working or not.”

I repeat – On this occasion of International Women’s Day, it's gender equality we should all talk about and not superiority of females over males. We should not believe in "role reversals", rather in "partnerships". If one day we believe we have achieved this balance in humanity and we do not need to celebrate this day any more, believe me all women like me would be very happy to forgo all the pampering, flowers and chocolates.

RIP Steve Jobs: May your soul find peace while your vision lives on

I am not a fan of Apple products. In fact, I have never used an Apple product till date. Though I would love to buy an iPhone or an iPad some day; may be even an Apple Computer too; but they haven't yet managed to tempt me enough to put them above my other priorities. But, I do admire the Apple Journey – Steve Jobs' Journey.

I do not know anything about his personal life. Never cared to read about it too either. But for me, he was a man who dared to dream big and then worked hard to make that dream a reality. He had a vision and he had the courage to realize the same. He was the one man who revolutionized the way we listen to music today, or work on computers, or even the way we use our phones – or should I rather say what all we can do with our phones. There have been many followers. Some even claim to have surpassed the iPhone or at least have given it a run for its money; but even to this day an iPhone is an iPhone. It's not a phone, it's an iPhone. You know what I mean? It's a class apart.

And of course, there is iCloud. It's a technology we couldn't have imagined 5 years ago. But, five years down the line, it's here. Thanks to Apple. Sorry, thanks to Steve Jobs' Apple. For no matter what, irrespective of how many people take over the executive or managerial responsibilities at Apple, irrespective of how many Tim Cook's succeed the coveted (am I allowed to call it) Throne; Apple will continue to be Steve Jobs' baby. His soul continues to live in Apple.

Steve Jobs was a fighter. Only a true fighter can start from an as humble a beginning and make it as large as Apple today. The fact that obituaries are pouring in from any nook and corner of the world is enough to realize what an impact he made on the lives of people all over. He was an inspiration. He fought his battle with life. After every blow, he would bounce back and stand up in front of the world with his new offering. Not only did the people rave about his products, but also about his strength and determination not to give up. He definitely inspired millions of people who are fighting grave sicknesses or any other sort of problems for that matter. Let's just hope he continues to inspire people long after he has gone.

A friend of mine tweeted a few days back, "‎3 apples changed the world, 1st one seduced Eve, 2nd fell on Newton and the 3rd was offered to the world half bitten by one Steve Jobs..." It's crazily funny, but very aptly true. Steve Jobs' Apple has indeed changed the world.

Office Politics

Who is a better Brand Ambassador?

Hither I table my viewpoints from a yet another lunch-table-discussion. I am currently doing an assignment for ITC’s Lifestyle Retailing Business Division which deals with some reputed Brands including ‘John Players’. Although my work there is not even remotely related to Brand Positioning etc. but we happened to discuss the brand during lunch. During the normal discourse, our conversation naturally treaded to the topic of Brand Ambassadors. For the uninitiated, ‘John Players’ dropped Hrithik Roshan as their Brand Ambassador a few weeks ago. The reason as explained to me by an employee was such: “You see, ‘JP’ is our brand targeted at the youth and while signing a Brand Ambassador, we have to foresee ours as well as the prospective Brand Ambassador’s image for the next four years. We dropped Hrithik for two reasons. First, you cannot disagree that he is ageing. Maybe he doesn’t look old now, but four years down the line he would be close to forty, of course. Second, if we see his line-up of films, more prominently Kites and Guzaarish; they are more inclined towards presenting him as a mature actor, which certainly doesn’t go with the ‘JP’ image.” Must say I was impressed by the thinking that goes into selecting a Brand Ambassador.


So, now finally after much deliberation, they get on board none other than the current heart-throb and flavor-of-the-season, Ranbir Kapoor. Over the long weekend gone by, all placards in their corporate office were replaced to highlight their new face of ‘JP’. Seeing me glance over the new pictures, the same employee of ITC asked me, “What do you say? Who’s a better Brand Ambassador?” I simply smiled and said, “Not fair! To ask a girl to choose between Hrithik and Ranbir!” He laughed and so did I. I guess I managed to ward off his query at that instant and though the employee just wanted a layman customer’s viewpoint; I think it was an interesting question requiring an answer with deeper connotations. I don’t blame him for putting forth this question as he was no marketing guy to understand ‘Branding’ as such. But, a more explanatory answer was required here. My answer would not change – it is not I to decide who is a better Brand Ambassador but the reasoning that follows is certainly not related to a girl’s affections towards two hottest film stars of India.


‘John Players’ for me has till date signified unmatched style and stature along with comfort. One may ask why? The answer is very obvious. Hrithik Roshan, the Brand Ambassador for ‘John Players’ till now. He was the ultimate personification of stately style and carefree attitude in the print media campaign shot for ‘John Players’. Every picture of his spoke volumes of the stylish collection of ‘John Players’. Well, is it not why Brand Ambassadors are engaged for? Definitely yes. Now, the print campaign has been replaced by some wonderfully shot portfolio snaps of Ranbir Kapoor. He looks extremely handsome, refreshing and at-ease. His chocolate-boy-next-door image also enhances the effect of the collection.

What may be the similarities between the two? I would say, both are youth icons. Then again, both are often considered well-attired in general. Further, which is equally important for a brand like ‘JP’ having a mix of formals and semi-formals along with casuals in their collection, is the clean good-boy image of the two as against a bindaas bad-boy image. What may be the difference? While Hrithik is better known for his sense of style, Ranbir is known more for his comfortable everyday clothing. Every Hrithik appearance is attitude personified, whereas Ranbir always seems to carry the ‘Wake up Sid’ effect as if to say, “I am boy who has just come of age.” While Hrithik is a ‘greek god’, Ranbir is a handsome ‘everyday guy’. Now, the basic question: While it is easily understandable that Hrithik was succeeded by Ranbir due to their similarities, are their differences highlighted in the print campaign of ‘John Players’? Of course they are. So while, as I said, ‘John Players’ at Hrithik’s reign was portrayed as a stylish brand with oodles of attitude, in Ranbir’s age it will be presented as cool brand filled with easy-comfort. (One may notice that Ranbir’s facial expressions are same in all the pictures and his body language is more casual as opposed to Hrithik’s expressions and body language in the earlier campaign). Nothing is wrong with the two images. Both are targeted towards the youth and both campaigns are exemplary actually. But how does one answer the question, “Who’s a better Brand Ambassador?”


The answer may not be achieved from the audiences. They are bound to love both. The answer lies with the company. They have to decide what image they want associated with their Brand. If it was supposed to continue to be focused on style, then in my opinion the brand positioning experts of the company absolutely failed with Ranbir. But, if they actually intend to shift focus on comfort, then they have done a commendable job with Ranbir and couldn’t have asked for a better Brand Ambassador. They should themselves reflect and answer the question, “Who’s a better Brand Ambassador?”


P.S. As it is, ‘Provogue’ did not waste any time in signing Hrithik Roshan as THEIR Brand Amabassador as soon as he was freed from the legal boundations with ITC, and a case in point is their print campaign which is a stark contrast to the ‘John Players’ Ranbir’s campaign. Although, I absolutely despise Hrithik’s bearded-and-long-haired countenance in the commercials, I would still say that ‘Provogue’ deserves full-marks in using his looks well to support their ‘rebel’ image in their ‘Be the change’ campaign. Hrithik is amazingly portrayed as a hunk with the devil-may-care attitude in the shoot to support their casuals’ collections.