Flexible Working Hours are hardly a blessing

I have never been a fan of “flexible working hours” even though it has become a favourite “work-life balance” tool with the corporations in India off late. I believe that the argument that it encourages more women to take up a career holds good, but it comes at a cost. So, when I again found myself discussing this with someone today, I decided to pen my views for a larger audience and invite opinions in favour or against.

Two of my previous organisations had introduced the concept of “flexi-working hours” during my stints with them. And I had seen significant behavioural shifts in the male and female workforces there. When the policy is introduced, everyone is happy about it. The companies hail it as employee friendly policy and pitch it as one of the most important employee retention initiatives. It may retain the employees in some cases but my personal observation is that, in the larger picture, it has a negative effect on the society at large. After an year or so of introducing this policy, I had noticed that the women employees would come early to office, say around 8 am or so, and would leave early around 5 pm. Whereas it was the reverse case with male employees. They would come to office at around 11 am and would leave post 8 pm or even later. Not only does one struggle to squeeze all meetings within the 11 to 5 window but sometimes ladies are forced to stay back or join online after their office hours, especially if they are even slightly submissive in nature.

But that’s not even the most negative impact of the “flexi-working hours”. I would often talk to ladies who would move to an early shift and in almost all cases, I would realize that in the evening hours they are taking care of the kids and their homes single-handedly; running around for coaching and extra-curricular classes of their children, cooking meals, coordinating with maids and cooks, entertaining relatives etc. The husbands would stop contributing and participating in responsibilities because now the ladies “have time”. On the other hand, you talk to the men who moved to late shifts and ask them about their kids and family and you would realize that thanks to them reaching home late in the evening, they are now spared of all expectations to participate in the responsibilities of the kids and home. These men barely know what is going on in their children’s academics, rarely take them to various classes and almost never help with the chores at home. And God forbid if they are living with the parents, then the parents expect their wives to pamper them because their poor sons work till so late and slog themselves off for the family’s sake.

It may seem to be generalizing, but of course there are exceptions to the above. There were a few ladies who would go to the gym, salon, etc. or catch up with friends, but their number was fairly small and most of them had no kids or had grown-up kids and they didn’t live in joint families. Similarly, there were men who would prefer to go home and spend time with family and again the number was lesser than the other extreme and that was usually because of their personal choice and not because of any expectation from the family.

So, when I am asked about my views on “flexible working hours”, I would always point out that it may be the one of the worst contributions by a company to the society at large because even if it allows more women to take up jobs; it also tilts the balance in gender contribution at home unfavourably towards women. Therefore, in my opinion, the companies should think of other ways to encourage womenfolk to take up careers and not just bank on this policy

I am happy to listen to other people’s viewpoint on this and am open to sharing experiences, discussion and perspectives.

To Bindi or not to Bindi

Off late there has been a lot of discussion about the importance of Bindi. Although I have not commented on any social media post expressing any side of the views, be it pro-bindi or against-bindi, I have my own views about the same which I finally feel like spilling out. 

Image source: Google Search

When I got married at the age of 22 years, I was just stepping into the real world. Until then, my home and my family had been my sanctuary and my opinions about anything, if at all, were only driven by what I had seen growing up. The ladies in my family had usually worn bindis, may or may not have worn Mangalsutra (it was usually treated like a jewellery item), applied sindoor usually only on Karvachauth, never worn payal-bichhue (anklets or toe-rings) or ghunghat (not even 'sir dhakna' types) and did not touch in-laws' feet every morning or husband's feet even on festivals like Karvachauth. Most of these so called 'riwaaz' or traditions that were followed were not taken too seriously, and definitely not linked to being religious or even linked to respect in any way. They were just traditions and nothing more.

When I got married, I was expected to follow some of these traditions as a rule. I was expected to always wear a bindi, sindoor, bichhue, payal and mangalsutra too (most of the time). I was told that I should never leave my wrists or my neck empty. I should never wear western clothes in front of my in-laws and had to touch their feet every morning. I was expected to treat my husband with utmost reverence (the standard line coming from my mother-in-law being "Pati toh bhagwaan barabar hota hai") and touch his feet on Karvachauth. At 22, I didn't know better and I abided by all these so much so that all these became instruments to humiliate me. "Jab tum office jaati ho toh western kapde pehenti ho, naa bindi lagati ho, naa payal-bichhue pehenti ho." I was a damn Chartered Accountant working in a Big4 corporation auditing high-networth MNCs and I was damn-well expected to dress professionally. But these so called traditions were supposed to be linked to the religion and to how much I respected my husband and by not following them I was told that I was disrespecting my husband and his family.

Soon, I started hating all these "accessories" even though as a newly married I loved wearing them as they made me feel dressed up a bit. Sub-consciously, my mind started equating them with signs of Patriarchy. When I separated from my husband, these were the first things I gave up if I had not given them up already. As much as it might be hard to believe me now, I had given up sarees too for the same reason.

Years later, I re-embraced sarees but not all these accessories (maybe some like anklets but only on a single foot and not on both feet). I still associate them somewhat with Patriarchy but I do not judge people who wear them, whether out of their love for them to dress up or even as a sign of tradition. Everyone has a different thought process and just like my mom was comfortable with some of these like bindi, I understand that many other ladies would be too. And that is okay.

What is not okay is forcing these on others in the name of religion or tradition. What is not okay is shaming and humiliating others who do not abide by your diktats. What is not okay is bullying others and telling them that they do not get to challenge your beliefs even when you are challenging theirs. What is not okay is being intolerant towards your fellow humans. I wholeheartedly condemn anyone who does that.

What happens behind closed doors is not always known: Criminal Justice Season 2 Review

I will start the review with my verdict first. This is one of the best Hindi series I have seen off late. 

The plot is simple – a housewife, Kriti Kulhari, stabs her publicly well-known, widely admired, and socially acknowledged as perfect husband, Jishu Sengupta, with her 12-year-old daughter as the only witness. She confesses to the crime immediately and sticks to it. But other than that, she maintains a stoic silence as to why she did it. What seems like an open and shut case otherwise, owing to the confession by the wife, lacks the basic element in a murder case: motive. It is only when state lawyers, Pankaj Tripathi and Anupriya Goenka reprising their roles from Season 1, start chipping away at the motive of murder that hidden facets start emerging. Despite their uncooperative client, the two keep on trying to understand why she did it.

The motive is basically the premise of the story, though there are a few twists and turns such as the primary protagonist’s pregnancy. The motive is not exactly suspenseful unlike many thrillers where the audience already knows the facts of the crime. But, it is a moot discussion point, that is slowly highlighted to impress upon the social relevance of the issue in today’s date and time.

The series talks about abuse. Domestic abuse which is not always visible outside the bedroom; one that thrives on manipulation and narcissism; one that is made to appear like care and love but is actually a disguise for control over the other person; and one which plays with your mind filling you with guilt, self-doubt and depression. The climax highlights that abuse is often invisible to the eye and abusers are usually normal people who may be good friends, good sons and good fathers but may not be good spouses. Moreover, the show highlights how marital rape is made insignificant by the society so much so that the victim feels ashamed talking about it. It’s a glaring reality of the society where even professional and powerful women fall prey to misogyny within the confines of their homes.

Image: Google Search

I have not yet seen the Season 1 of the series and since this is an altogether new case, it doesn’t matter. I do plan to see it now. The characters of Pankaj Tripathi and Anupriya Goenka are flowing over from the Season 1. Pankaj Tripathi is as expected a delight to watch. His timing, dialogue delivery and simplicity brings alive every scene he features in. His character, who is a newly-wed person in this season with an outspoken wife, turns out to be a perfect example of how even the most socially enlightened men stand up for feminism but forget to apply the same concepts in their own lives. He eventually learns to respect the feelings of his partner. Anupriya Goenka fits her role well. I had first noticed her in War and despite a few appearances after that, I feel she gets to showcase her nuanced performance in this series. All other actors are also well cast and adequate, Deepti Naval, Mita Vashishta, Ashish Vidyarthi, et al. But this season definitely belongs to Kriti Kulhari. She plays the murder accused with utmost restraint; a woman who is more concerned about hiding her personal ‘shame’ rather than the repercussions of her crime. Bare minimum dialogues, she speaks with her eyes and bravely holds the series on her seemingly frail, drooping shoulders.

Submission in women is indoctrinated, does not come naturally!

Two days ago, I was watching a video of a talk by a psuedo scholar who was talking about so-called "importance of gender roles in the social construct". Although he was trying to sound very liberal and was trying to sound pro-gender equality, but deep hidden in the lines I could read hints of a well-ingrained patriarchy. One of the things he mentioned was that the female gender has "evolved" over time on the basis of changes in the society and that they are now venturing over and above their "natural roles" in the traditional construct of the society. He also said that women were "naturally submissive" and thereby were never able to carve their place in the society. And although he went on to comment on how over time women are breaking their shackles etc., my own mind was totally put-off with this comment and I didn't even listen through till the end. 

If women were naturally submissive i.e. submission came naturally to women, there wouldn't be thousands of sermons reminding women to submit (name a religion / culture / section of society and you will find such sermons). There wouldn't be sermons and literature glorifying women who are submissive and sacrificing. It would not have been required if it would come naturally to women. These are reminders which exist because indoctrination depends on constant reinforcement to keep harmful ideologies alive. Nothing which is natural needs reminders and reinforcement to run its course.

Waiting for the day Ashtami Puja becomes irrelevant for Girls

I have been born into a family of three sisters and no brother. The next generation till now has two girls and a boy. My family has been worshipping Maa Durga since many generations. Needless to say, Navratras were one of the most awaited festivals and culminating into Ashtami which was celebrated with much happiness.

Our family has been unique when it comes to Ashtami celebration. First, it is only restricted to kids in the family and we do not gather little girls from all over for the puja. Second, just like we treat our girls equal to boys on normal days, we treat our boys equal to girls on Ashtami (Kanya Pujan) days. So, my nephew gets to sit in the puja in the same manner and gets the same gifts and money as my daughter and my niece. Third, the girls sit in the puja irrespective of their age (and after attaining puberty too) well until they get married. Last, we share poori-halwa-chhole prasad with some families in the neighbourhood irrespective of whether the families have young girls or not.

Image source: Google search (jagran.com)

Until much later in my teenage years, this was normal for me and only after I grew up did I realise how different this was from the norm. For us, Ashtami Puja had always been for the "kids of the family" and never for the "girls". By that age, I was already into a phase getting prepped to become a staunch feminist. My first Ashtami Puja at my marital home was a depressor. I had been subjected for 6 months to an ashirwad of giving birth to a son and then on the day of Ashtami, my then MIL had sent my then husband looking for small girls to sit in the puja. My now ex-in-laws were openly and vocally upset about me giving birth to a daughter (and the irony was that she was born during Navratras) and six months later on Ashtami day they suddenly relegated her to the status of Lakshmi of the house and worshipped her. My heart was filled with more contempt that day than on the days they would curse me for not bearing a son.

It hurts me to see that the girls are condemned on everyday and on Ashtami, they are celebrated. Although I still try to celebrate this festival with just as much cheer as I did as a child, but every time in Navratras, these thoughts keep circling around my head. I see happy girls in the neighbourhood and I can make out that they are enjoying being centre of attraction for a change. And then maybe one day when the grow up, they will realise what a sham it all is.

The day Ashtami becomes an irrelevant festival for girls because they start getting valued even on normal days will be the day the feminist in me would smile brighter.

The Women's Day gimmick again

I have time and again said this, written about this and repeated about this. I am not a big fan of the Women's Day, at least not in the shape and form it is celebrated at present.

This day, the International Women's Day, was marked to honour the struggle of the ladies who have fought for and are still fighting for the rights of the women... The right to equality, the right to basic human rights and the right to respect. It is a big blow to the movement that such an important day has been relegated to a marketing gimmick.

We don't need free gifts, discounts and special treatments on this one day. We need right to be able to earn our livings without being dependent on others (no free things), equal treatment in all aspects of life (no discounts) and equal respect all the year round, every day. Unless that happens, please spare me the celebrations.

#BasItniSiBaat – Thappad Movie Review and Why You Need To See This Movie

Last evening, I and my family saw the movie Thappad. Although, there has been a consistent flow of good movies off late, but I would say that Thappad is one of the finest ones which have come out recently. 

Image courtesy: Google Search / Pinterest

Let’s first get the cliched movie review out of the way so that I can come to what I actually want to say about the movie here. The movie was very relatable as the characters were very normal, flawed and much like people we come across everyday of our lives. The situations and set-ups were all common middle-class people related in any metro city. Tapsee Pannu was brilliant as an educated modern day “housewife-by-choice” and debutant Pavail Gulati as her career-obsessed professional husband was a total natural. Neither of these characters were easy to play and could have easily become stereotypes (positive and negative) but hats off to the director who reins in their brilliant performances without letting the drama become over the top. All supporting characters are acknowledged good actors and they all played their parts perfectly. I especially loved Kumud Mishra’s character as a very supportive father. There are no uncomfortable fights or nasty court battles depicted between the lead couple so even young couples can see the movie together without feeling awkward. Overall the movie holds your attention throughout the two and a half hours runtime despite not being very fast paced. Tears and choking are not ruled out especially when you can relate to the characters at a personal level, which I am sure many people would be able to do, especially women and I hope many men. 

The movie is a must watch but for more reasons than the brilliant performances that I have mentioned above. This actually brings me to what I really want to say about the movie and why I feel everyone – both women and men and even couples together preferably – should see the movie. As per me, the movie subtly and brilliantly highlights the following issues in the society nowadays (in case you don’t want spoilers ahead, please restrict yourself to the titles and feel free to come back and read the list below again after you have watched the movie): 

1. Even one thoughtless act of aggression is Domestic Violence – This needs no explanation as this is what the whole movie is about. Even if you have just watched the trailer, you would know that this is what the movie talks about. Vikram hits his wife Ammu only once, in a fit of rage directed towards someone else and not Ammu. This makes her question her own self-worth and the respect that she is given in the relationship. This is exactly why all the people who had watched Kabir Singh should watch Thappad now to understand why Kabir Singh as a movie was problematic. There is even a direct scathing attack in this movie about Kabir Singh. Vikram’s side-kick says in the movie that if you really love someone “toh thodi bahut maar-peet toh hoti hai, uske bina pyar ka kya matlab hai?” which is exactly what the director of Kabir Singh, Sandeep Reddy Vanga, had said in order to justify the male protagonist’s violent behaviour towards the female protagonist. Even legally, even one single act of aggression whatever the cause and rather even mental torture is counted as Domestic Violence. This aspect is beautifully explained in this movie. It’s just one slap but “nahin maar sakta”.
2. Gaslighting women is just so common in families – There are many instances of gaslighting women depicted in this movie. They are as real as it gets because almost all women have experienced these taunts, every once in a while, in their relationship. While Nethra’s relationship with her husband Rohit is all about gaslighting, there are many other instances shown. The one that stands out is when Tapsee asks Pavail whether she should learn driving, he retorts, “Pehle Paranthe toh theek se banana seekh lo, fir driving ki baat karna.” Ouch! That hurts, isn’t it? 
3. Professional successful women are always looked at suspiciously – One small piece in the movie irked me. It was a scene where Tapsee and Pavail always meet and greet their next-door neighbour Dia Mirza who leaves for work the same time as Pavail. Dia is shown to be a professional (details not known) who is also a single parent after her husband, whom she loved a lot, expired. In this particular scene, Pavail is getting into his car, a grand Audi SUV, while Tapsee is handing over his stuff (wallet, thermos, lunch pack, etc.) to him and at the same time Dia comes out, wishes them good morning and gets into her car, also a similarly grand Audi, and leaves. At that moment, Pavail remarks, “Isne fir nayi car le li? Yeh aisa kya karti hai?” (Oh yeah, I too felt like banging his head to the car bonnet.) That’s when Tapsee replies, “HARD WORK!” But this scenario is just too common isn’t it? If a woman, especially when she is single (but it’s not like married women are spared), is successful, the success is always attributed to factors other than hard work, intelligence, skill, capability, leadership qualities, etc. It’s like men just cannot fathom that a woman can be equally capable and deserving of success like them. 
4. Divorces in India get really messy – This is a known fact even without the movie highlighting it. That is also the reason many women continue to be in unhappy and/or abusive marriages. Even when they try to play fair, the men just try to get into nasty stuff to try to intimidate them and put them down. I have seen enough divorce cases to mention that it would be the case in almost all cases (To be fair, even women use these tactics sometimes on their own and at other times on the assumption that the other side will anyway be stooping down to these levels.) Here too there are allegations of jealousy, money-mindedness, greed, etc. and how to forget the husband tries to gain full custody of his unborn child by offering monetary perks (much like his idea of pacifying his wife’s anger). 
5. Housewives rarely get appreciation for their hard work – Tapsee is shown to be a very efficient housewife whose whole life revolves around her home. Her day starts at 6 am and ends much later than Pavail’s. However, the only thing that Pavail highlights is that she cannot cook well, or as well as his mom. If there is anything not working at home, then it’s his wife’s problem and his wife’s fault. Even when she leaves and his house is turned upside down largely because of his own incompetence to manage and maintain it, he is not ready to appreciate what Tapsee brought to the table as a homemaker. His mom suffers a medical emergency because he cannot keep track of her BP the way Tapsee did and in his petition he blamed Tapsee for the medical situation alleging that it was because of the stress caused by her irrational behaviour that his mom suffered. 
6. Men and apology often don’t go hand-in-hand because their upbringing makes them egoistical – Throughout the movie until the very last scene, Vikram doesn’t apologise to Amrita even once for hitting her. Not a sorry… NOT EVEN ONCE. He is providing all kinds of justification about how he suffered a setback in his career, how his boss played unfair to him, he had received a phone call that had upset him, he was angry, he was drunk, whatever. He is cuddling and saying “I love You” to a visibly upset and unresponsive Amrita, and he is buying a diamond bracelet but never offered an apology. And this is so often the case in many couple relationships that men find it difficult to say sorry for their mistakes. They feel insecure about losing their dominating position by admitting that they made a mistake and a large part of it is because they have grown up to larger than life male figures in their families and previous generation where the impression created is whatever men do is acceptable and correct. 
7. Narcissists always make things about themselves and shift the onus of guilt on the other person – Vikram is clearly a narcissist. Throughout the movie, the whole relationship is about him. How his career is important, how dare his bosses play unfair, how his targets are achieved so it’s a good year. Every single time, Amrita tried to put her point forth, Vikram and his “I, me and myself ramblings” start. And everything wrong happening in his life is because of Amrita. Amrita is responsible for escalating this issue and taking it outside the four walls. Amrita has made his life hell because she is not anymore doing everything, she used to do for him, and he must fend for himself. Amrita is the reason for his mom’s sickness. The list goes on. 
8. When your family has your back, you can fight any battles – I have already mentioned that my favourite character in the movie is Amrita’s father played by Kumud Mishra. It so reminds me how my Mom and Dad stood by me. He doesn’t leave Amrita’s side even for a second. Even if Amrita’s mom may sway under societal pressures for once, he always has her back. Even if every person in the world was telling Amrita to compromise and go back (including her own mom initially, her brother, and her hot-shot lawyer who was also a woman’s rights activist); her father told her that what she is doing is right if her heart says it’s right. The truth is that your in-laws no matter how much they love you; they never will stand up for you. That takes me to Amrita’s monologue of how no one ever told Vikram that he was wrong and that no one ever asked her whether she was okay. It was only her parents who stood behind her like a rock and because of whom she could confidently take a decision to opt for divorce even though she didn’t have a financial independence and foothold at the moment. This trust is the most important thing in the world and believe you me, you can fight any battle with that support. I would know because I have been in the same position as Amrita.

Make-up for kids... Like, really?

It’s wedding season and there’s a thought that has been going on in my head. My sister got married just over a year ago. It was one of the biggest occasions we had in our family in the recent past and the biggest that my daughter, now thirteen years old, has had in her living memory as she was too young to remember my other sister’s wedding. Our preparations as far as she was concerned went only to the extent of deciding dresses and footwear (flats and although she bought her first kitten heels for the D-day, she couldn’t wear it for over half an hour and shifted to flats). There was nothing else that we had to discuss or arrange for her. Our own preparations were more elaborate. It additionally included arranging a make-up artist (MUA) for us. 

Now, that was because it was my own sister’s wedding. Otherwise, I am the kind of woman who never opts for professional make-up or hairstyling on any other occasion – be it any close wedding or any random party. Money factor is not even a consideration because I simply do not have the time, energy and inclination to go to a professional to get ready. Similarly, the only time my daughter had her hair done by a professional was during my sister’s wedding and that too only braids (due to the fact that I myself am totally pathetic with those) sans any spray or serum. I just wouldn’t let the MUA use any chemicals on her hair. That is all the exposure my daughter has had to professional make-up till date. 

But when I go to weddings nowadays, I am surprised to note that my daughter is usually the odd one out in kids. Kids as young as 2 or 3 year olds there are running around with hairstyles made by professional MUAs and often with make-ups like eye-shadows and lip-colours. My niece got married about 10 days back and I couldn’t see a single child on her own feet, no matter how old, not made-up. And I kind of find it sad because all said and done, these cosmetics not only harm their gentle skins but otherwise as well we are tuning the minds of our girls to fake standards of beauty as well as vanity. This in my eyes is a bigger sin than even ruining their complexions. 

This had been on my mind for a few days until yesterday when I was just whiling away my time by surfing through flash news from Entertainment Industry. I came across Vogue Magazine articles sharing pics of all celebrities who attended Armaan Jain - Anissa Malhotra wedding – the “who wore what” kind of news articles. I was mindlessly just skimming through without even focussing on any celebrity or least of all on the names of all the famous designers whose clothes they wore. That was until I came across pics of Karisma Kapoor with her daughter. What caught my eye was Samiera Kapoor, aged 14, a young girl belonging to one of the most fashion-conscious families in India was totally sans any make-up and hadn’t even got her hair done. A teenager belonging to a family of actors, who herself is most likely to become an actor someday, was wearing designer dresses but no cosmetics. I was like “Wow! This is so unexpected.” Indeed, this was a surprisingly unanticipated but still a refreshing change for me. The same was the case with Aaradhya Bachchan, the daughter of Abhishek and Aishwarya Bachchan, but then the argument in her favour is that she is only 8 years old. But even in her case, she is an example to be emulated by the parents of the 2 year olds with fancy buns and red lips running around wearing diapers under their lehengas at sundry weddings. 

I hope parents of little girls make note and follow suit. We are in an age where we want to teach our girls (and even boys) that their physical attributes should not determine their worth and that they are beautiful just as they are. But then we cannot preach what we don’t practice.

Image courtesy: Google search

Kabir Singh is no hero!

I find it appalling that in today's times and era, movies like Kabir Singh / Arjun Reddy are being made and appreciated. After all the signs of progress the movie industry shows with movies like Pink, Piku, Queen, etc., movies like Kabir Singh push the carousel eons backwards.

Image source: Google search

To be honest, I haven't seen the movie. The trailer itself was repulsive. Let's be clear, Kabir Singh is no hero and shouldn't exist in real life. He is sexist, patriarchal and misogynistic. The movie glorifies eve-teasing, stalking, abusing women, and let me add, it promotes toxic masculinity and the portrayal of psychopathic manliness. This is so not acceptable!

They say that the movie is about a "flawed character" and Shahid Kapoor has played it to perfection. Now, Shahid has played flawed characters before - Kaminey, Haider, Udta Punjab - but they were essentially that, flawed characters. Unlike Kabir Singh, their flaws were not glorified in the name of "intense love". Do we realize how many teenagers and youngsters are fooled by the idea of "intense love" as depicted in the movies? Do we realize how many "flawed characters" with "intense love" are in the making right now inspired by the movie knowing that it is a big hit with youngsters? Shouldn't it worry us about the safety and sanity of the girls and other people in general who might be around such people right now?

It's time these movies suffer failure so that lessons are taught to people who promote hazardous patriarchy in the name of cinematic liberty. The movie reviews are raving about Shahid and his performance and women are drooling over him just as the movie is inching towards various box office milestones. And I am irritated with the reactions, especially those of women. How can they go all ga-ga over something that degrades their very existence?

Women's Day

And the men we SHOULDN'T love!

In continuation with the list of romantic literary heroes that I shared the day before, I also want to list down a few which feature time and again in the articles about most loved male protagonists in literature but which for some reason are NOT my favourites. But to maintain parity with the previous article, I would stick to the most loved characters written by female authors: 

1. Howard Roark – The Fountainhead by Ayn Rand

Without any reference to the debate surrounding hypocrisy in Ayn Rand’s writing, Howard Roark from The Fountainhead, her most famous and most loved character, is an amalgamation of contrasts. To call him polarizing is the understatement of the century. Most people credit him with having a boatload of artistic talent, but he could be as much of a sinister dirtbag as he could be an enigmatic charmer. Roark is fiercely independent. He believes in the merit of his revolutionary designs and has the courage to stand for them in the face of an antagonistic society. He is presented as the author's version of an ideal man. Roark is the antithesis of contemporary belief that an individual is molded by social forces. He is not the product of his upbringing, his economic class, his family, his religious training, or his social background. He is a product of the choices he has made. Roark is an example of free will — the theory that an individual has the power, by virtue of the choices he makes, to control the outcome of his own life. A man's thinking and values are not controlled by God or the fates or society or any external factor — but solely by his own choice. Others (like Keating) may choose to submit, but Roark will not. He is his own man. And all this sounds so foolishly attractive when he is portrayed as the perfect man – strong, bold, and confident and someone with a very high sense of integrity. But one cannot deny that Roark is a selfish man. He is true to his values, to his convictions, to his thinking, to his mind, to his self – and only to himself. He is an individualist and someone essentially born into the role of explosives-wielding freethinker. But even if all this is acceptable, there is one big flaw in his character that will never allow me to succumb to his charms. He forcibly enters Dominique’s room and rapes her. Whatever way it was projected in the book, at the end of the day, he is a RAPIST. Period. 

2. Mr. Rochester – Jane Eyre by Charlotte Brontë 

Image source: Google search

Mr. Rochester in “Jane Eyre” is a stern-featured, heavy-browed, craggy-faced, rude, abrupt, horny man always on the edge of violence who likes to order people around and keeps his wife locked in the attic. In fact, he is a character closest to the Beast in “Beauty and the Beast” and yet he is far worse than the Beast. Unlike Beast, who had a soft heart inside, Mr. Rochester is a typical Byronic hero, moody, arrogant, cynical and jaded, and like all Byronic heros he is attracted by Jane's innocence, her chastity. But he is also clinically mad, a manic depressive, living in an unreal world, understandably perhaps, he cannot deal with the reality of his own situation. It is undeniable that he seduces and seeks to deceive Jane by effectively making Jane his mistress. He is the opposite of Jane. She is easily deceived because she is incredibly naïve and innocent, and alone, she has no one to turn to for advice, Mrs Fairfax herself admits to finding Rochester an enigma and so would offer little help. He is the first of the opposite sex, unmarried (as Jane believes) to look on Jane kindly, to smile, to talk to her as an equal (when in fact Rochester knows full well that he is taking advantage of her position and character, abusing his position as her employee). In fact in today’s terms he is grooming Jane for sexual conquest. Byronic heroes are sexual predators, 'mad, bad and dangerous to know'. Particularly, chaste, married, or otherwise 'unavailable', women are regarded as a challenge, as legitimate targets to be seduced and then left. 

3. Henry DeTamble – The Time Traveler’s Wife by Audrey Niffenegger

In various passages in “The Times Traveler's Wife”, Henry explains that the inevitable cause of his time travels is stress. He has zero tolerance for stress. And, boy, Henry is stressed out by a lot: by watching TV, by loud noises, by blinding lights, by drinking too much, by getting married, by having kids, by conflict… He only relaxes during sex. So the big question here is, are Henry’s disappearing acts actually a male conspiracy to have an excuse to leave marital responsibilities behind and just go out womanizing, drinking, getting high, causing trouble – living the bachelor life. Because that's pretty much what Henry does with his time away from Clare. Also interesting is that right after he meets Clare in the present – unmarried, no children, and no responsibilities – Clare remarks to Henry that he hasn't been traveling much which is kind of suspicious. And then there's the whole "I need more sex to stay in the present" thing. So maybe “The Times” is right. Maybe Henry is just a big flake. A coward who can't handle life and so keeps slipping through its cracks. What an unreliable jerk! 

4. Heathcliff – Wuthering Heights by Emily Brontë

Forget most of the romantic nonsense you have heard about Heathcliff from “Wuthering Heights”. Sure he's in love with Catherine, and you can't question his loyalty, but he has a serious mean streak. To put it bluntly: he acts like a sociopath. Traditionally, romance novel heroes appear dangerous, brooding, and cold at first, only later to emerge as fiercely devoted and loving. One hundred years before Emily Brontë wrote Wuthering Heights, the notion that “a reformed rake makes the best husband” was already a cliché of romantic literature, and romance novels center around the same cliché to this day. However, Heathcliff does not reform, and his malevolence proves so great and long-lasting that it cannot be adequately explained even as a desire for revenge against Hindley, Catherine, Edgar, etc. As he himself points out, his abuse of Isabella is purely sadistic, as he amuses himself by seeing how much abuse she can take and still come cringing back for more. Heathcliff can be a real beast, which comes across through his numerous threats, violent acts, and symbolic association with that unruly pack of dogs. A powerful, fierce, and often cruel man, Heathcliff often falls back on violence as a means of expression, both of love and hate. Having been abused by Hindley for most of his childhood, Heathcliff is the classic victim-turned-perpetrator. His rage is tied to the revenge he so passionately seeks, but he also undertakes small "extracurricular" acts of violence, like hanging Isabella Linton's dog. These lines in the book pretty much sum up his attitude: "I have no pity! I have no pity! The more the worms writhe, the more I yearn to crush out their entrails! It is a moral teething; and I grind with greater energy in proportion to the increase of pain."

And to think of it, these disdainful characters were also written by women and despite their serious flaws are also unequivocally loved by women across the world even to this day. If only women knew their own worth better!

The Men We Love!

I was recently reading an article online where the writer had shared how some of the literary male protagonists had ruined her romantic life because they are “Oh, so perfect!” The article was fun and so I googled more on the topic where favourite male characters from novels were shared. There were some names that were appearing more commonly as against others. A prime example was Mr. Fitzwilliam Darcy from the Pride and Prejudice who was not only part of every single list but was almost always occupying the No. 1 spot. And then there were others who appeared more than often. Here when I listed them down, there was a very interesting observation that cropped up. But, first let me share the ones that I am talking about:

1. Mr. Darcy – Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen

Image source: Google Search

The quintessential and undoubtedly most loved male character ever from a novel is Mr. Darcy from the “Pride and Prejudice”. Mr. Darcy exhibits all the good and bad qualities of the ideal English aristocrat — snobbish and arrogant, he is also completely honest and sure of himself. Initially described as someone vain and too proud for our dear Elizabeth Bennet, he backs off when she rejects him and yet is mature and good-natured enough to help her out where he can without any expectations in return. When Elizabeth flatly turns down his marriage proposal and tells him that it was ungentlemanly, Darcy is startled into realizing just how arrogant and assuming he had been. He accepts his folly and goes all out to correct what he had done wrong. Darcy's humbling makes him more sensitive to what other people feel. If he wins our dear Lizzy’s heart in the process, it’s all too obvious. The fact that he is extremely handsome and rich is just icing on the cake.

2. Captain Wentworth – Persuasion by Jane Austen

Much on the lines of Mr. Darcy, Jane Austen also wrote the character of the good-looking Captain Wentworth in “Persuasion”. Although he could never reach the desirability quotient of Mr. Darcy, he wasn’t much behind either, heralding very similar qualities as Mr. Darcy. Again, choosing to walk away when rejected by Anne and yet holding an undying love for her in his heart for years; he doesn’t impose himself or his feelings on her unless he himself is sure of her own feelings. In fact, he felt responsible for Louisa's condition, having pursued her to make Anne jealous and would have taken her as his wife. However, when Louisa turned her affections to James Benwick, he let her go without making it an ego issue. Eventually, getting similar undying love from Anne could only have been the best reward possible.

3. Atticus Finch – To kill a mockingbird by Harper Lee 

Bold, heroic, noble, honourable, confident and optimistic, Atticus Finch from “To kill a mockingbird” is a vision of idealised masculinity. He is a true role model in every sense of the word. A man holding forth a fight for justice against all odds; and yet a very even-keeled type of guy who does not get too worked up about stressful situations. He is not affected by what other people say or think. He is consistent and rooted in his beliefs. A man of great wisdom and character; he is a good single parent too trying to fill his kids with a sense of righteousness.

4. Gilbert Blythe – Anne of Green Gables by Lucy Maud Montgomery

Gilbert Blythe from “Anne of Green Gables” is literally literature’s most beloved boy-next-door. He lets Anne be Anne, a wonderful mess of imagination, goof-ups, temper, drive, and dreams – and Gilbert loves all of that about her. He never tries to make her something she isn’t. Also, he doesn’t let obstacles throw him and he pursues excellence. He works hard for what he has and isn’t showy about his successes. And boy! Is he patient? He fell in love with Anne long before the thought ever occurred to her that he could. And he waited. And waited. He waited until Anne herself was ready and all this while without even being imposing. Like all romantic male protagonists, he loved Anne and they both supported each other throughout the series. All the while, Gilbert was never threatened when Anne succeeded. He was secure in who he was and happily rejoiced in Anne’s success even if he was the one who had lost out to her.

5. Rhett Butler – Gone with the Wind by Margaret Mitchell

On the surface, Rhett Butler from “Gone with the Wind” is a textbook example of the charming rogue. His dark, good looks and supposedly wild behavior are the source of considerable gossip among the ladies. However, he is loved not for his Casanova image but for his undaunting love for Scarlett. Rhett has no dearth of physical courage which can be seen in the fact that he starts off the war as a blockade runner (which takes some courage, even if he insists it doesn't), but at the siege of Atlanta he decides to go off and join the army. Moreover, he helps Scarlett escape from Atlanta during the siege and after he murders a black man, he faces his sentence of death by hanging with seeming equanimity. And yet some call Rhett a coward because he's afraid to tell his own wife that he loves her. Rhett's afraid of Scarlett; deathly afraid, shamefully afraid. Even though he declares his love for her when he is about to leave Scarlett to go into the army and perhaps die, she misunderstands him because he had never really expressed his sentiments till then. He just lets her be herself and gave her all the space she needed while remaining by her side as the anchor she may hook herself on. He is also an excellent father to Bonnie; never once entangled by the gender roles in the said period and taking upon himself the parental duties as he must. The one flaw that holds out as a sore eye is Rhett Butler putting the blame of every flaw in him (his act of indifference or his sleeping with Belle) on Scarlett and he eventually comes across as someone willing to cheat on her and lie to her and treat her as a punching bag for his own insecurities. A bit of put downer there. 

Having listed down the most loved male characters across the world in the English novels, there is one thing noteworthy about the list… One common factor that runs across all these characters is the trait that they are utterly and unwittingly feminist in their conduct. They do not impose on the women they love; give them space to be themselves; and support them in their pursuits. Is it a surprise? Well, not if you see the reason why. 

ALL THESE CHARACTERS WERE CREATED AND WRITTEN BY WOMEN.

Is it really the easy way out?

A few days back, a lady approached me for some advice. She had been separated from her husband since about an year and a half. She had a small kid and had recently filed for divorce. She claims that the person is a narcissist. Apart from the emotional and mental torture, her husband had apparently cheated on her twice. After the first time, he had apologized and made her believe that since she had been away from him for a few months, he went astray. He admitted it to be a moment of weakness which escalated into a full blown extra-marital affair. But he said sorry and promised not to make the same mistake again, so she put everything behind her and reconciled. A year and a half later, she finds herself in the same situation. He again puts it on her saying that she has brought about a lull in the relationship because of the baby and there was a lack of excitement and so he went astray. This time, the lady took a bold step and moved out. She had since been living with her parents. There had been no reconciliation attempts from either side and a divorce case had been filed by her. Now, as is the norm in divorce cases, the couple was referred for mediation. During mediation, the husband had once again apologized. He was promising not to make the same mistake again and requesting her to come back. She had messaged me to ask what she should do? She admitted that there was no surety at all that he would keep the promise (in fact, by now she had understood that he would not keep the promise he was making and that they were just worthless words). She also understood now that although he always made her feel guilty by making her believe everything was her fault, it was in fact he who was in the wrong here. But she was still contemplating reuniting with her husband for her child's sake.

If anyone asks for my advice, I never tell them what to do, especially in cases of marriage and divorce. If I have gone through similar situation, I usually tell them what I had done and why. If I had never gone through such a situation myself, I clearly tell them so. In latter scenario, I often tell them what, in my opinion, were the pros and cons of the choices the person had in front of them. Anyway, this post is not about what I told her or what she eventually decided to do (which honestly I am not even aware of as of now). This post is about what I felt was driving her to consider the option of reuniting with her husband knowing that the promise was fake. They call it "for the child's sake", but it actually means "societal pressure".

It wasn't like she was not able to care for her kid. She had been raising her kid without her husband's support for about 2 years now. She was working and was doing decently in her profession. So, even the finances where her kid was concerned were not really a problem (she was doing fine, as she explained to me and in any case her application for child support was pending in court). Her parents had supported her all this time. But suddenly, they and her friends and her relatives were of the opinion that she should give her husband "one chance to come around" for "her child's sake". (I fail to understand why everyone had ignored the fact that she had already given him "one chance to come around" and that this would in fact be his "second chance to come around").

She is actually not the only one who has been in this dilemma. In fact, every single woman who had opted for divorce, with a kid or not, has gone through this dilemma - whether she should give her marriage one more chance.* Many of them already knew deep inside that this is not going to work and yet they thought and sometimes decided to give the marriage a second chance. I did that too and I had thought back then, "At least, it would clear my conscience and I would not feel that I did not try." Similarly, everyone feels that they should not feel or someone should not tell them that they did not try or that they took the easy way out.

After all, the society believes that making a marriage work is a difficult job and divorce is the "easy way out". If only the people knew what one has to go through to reach the end of a divorce, they would never say such a stupid thing. Choosing divorce over reconciliation is not an easy way out. For the divorce process would be the hardest battle that a woman would ever fight in her whole life. 

* I would like to hope that every man also goes through the same confusion but I have not been privy to many men discussing their marriage and divorce stories with me so I am not so sure about that.

Divorce rates are rising everywhere... And that's a good thing!

It is no surprise that the divorce rates have shot up over the last 60 years ever since the Hindu Code Bill was passed in the 1950s. The latest census statistics, which allow the people to select one of the options, namely, never married, separated, divorced, widowed, married; tell us that the number of divorced people have grown exponentially in the said period. Moreover, there are even a higher number of people who have chosen their status as separated. This status can be attributed to people in the middle of divorce proceedings (considering the time taken in litigation in the slow-moving Indian courts) or to the people living separately but not opting for divorce because of the stigma associated with same. This is taking into account that some people may not even report separation or divorce because the society still looks down at such marital statuses.

Image source: Google search

Yes, that's true. The society looks down at the divorced status (even more than the separated status). There are always discussions and arguments like how our grandparents and parents "worked through" their problems and did not simply opt for divorce. And the good old Indian morals come into the picture where our own dear country is concerned. Our upholders of 'sanskaar' and the older generations in our families claimed that the divorce rates in India are low because of our great family values and morals. And now they rue that the divorce rates are increasing because there is a conspicuous decline in these values.

A lot of people act like higher divorce rates are actually indicative of a loss of morality, ethics and a sense of commitment and responsibility. The people proclaiming our great values and ethics lament and blame the phenomenon on 'westernization'. They claim that families are breaking down because people have no patience to give their marriages a chance. But the truth, in my opinion, is entirely something else.

The truth in my opinion is that in the older generation, people "worked through" their problems in private because women just continued to "adjust" and bear with what was metted to them. The women hand no financial and social security; no incomes and assets; and hence did not have any option or choice but to 'work it out'. Add to it the social stigma attached to the status of divorce. So, they simply chose to continue living in abusive and unhealthy relationships for the lack of options, for the sake of their children, or to stay away from the social stigma of divorce. It was actually all about keeping up appearances. Honestly, how is it possible to have a healthy marriage if someone feels disrespected or insulted by their partners more often than not?

But the rising divorce rates in my opinion is actually a sign of social and economic progress of women and greater autonomy now enjoyed by women. It means that fewer women are dependent on men and can decide for themselves what they want their life to be. With education and awareness to back them, women are now breaking free of the rule that told them to stay quiet in front of a man. More and more women are becoming financially independent and don't rely on their husbands, or anyone else, for survival. Even if kids are involved, women are now able to earn and take care of them, if required. With this financial independence comes a stronger sense of self-confidence and the ability to walk out of a bad marriage. Higher divorce rates actually mean that women are leaving abusive and unhealthy relationships at higher rates. It means that women are finally standing up for themselves because now they can. How can that be a bad thing really?

The stigma won't go away overnight, but the least we can do is stop pretending that Indian values, morality, ethics and our culture are being threatened by an increasing divorce rate.

I am sick of Women's Day!!

Yet another "Women's Day" has gone past and by the end of the day, I was just so sick of all the "Happy Women's Day" posts and WhatsApp messages. (I sometimes also feel the same after reading the Mother's Day posts.) I had totally ignored the newspapers yesterday as I did not want to go through all those articles about how great women are. "Oh, women are just so compassionate." "Women are the nurturers." "They are beautiful creatures of nature." "They are so intuitive." I just wanted to stay away from all these stereotypes just as much as I wanted to avoid looking (and getting angry over) all the advertisements of Women's Day offers, the spa and beauty packages, the jewelry gift ideas, and discounts. Despite that I still stumbled upon a saree shop giving discount equal to half the age of their women customer, and it irked me no end. All these messages, posts and advertisements are irritating to me.

One of the messages, which I received from multiple people yesterday went like this: "You're one half of the world and the reason for the other half." Excuse me? It's not like women reproduce on their own? Yes, they bear children. But that is because at least one of the two sexes has to bear the offspring after the two together reproduce. And nature / biology, granted that physiology to the female sex. That's it. Period.

I hate all these messages. They all are like, "Let's celebrate women because women are this and women are that." I myself just forwarded one simple "Happy Women's Day" message because the others which were going all gaga about how great we women are were just stupid. They were just so against the whole idea and the whole spirit of International Women's Day.

The whole idea of International Women's Day is about gender equality, not telling the world how special women are. We should be arguing that we are not very different from the other half of the population and hence we should be treated as their equals. What we actually do is the exact opposite. We tell them, "Oh, we are so different from you all. We are special. So, please give us special treatment." That's just plain revolting! We are not special. We are not extraordinary. We are just like you. Biologically, we and you have different functions and just like our jobs, we fulfill those functions. That doesn't make us different and that definitely doesn't make us special. We do not need this chivalry really. This day which had a lot of meaning initially has been reduced to a marketing gimmick.

P.S. (added as an afterthought) A friend of mine today wrote about "benevolent sexism". The way we celebrate Women's Day nowadays is a perfect example of "benevolent sexism". Please Google it and read about it. And please learn to differentiate. It is actually more harmful to the goal of feminism that hostile sexism is.

Please also read my previous linked post here.

I was never a big Sridevi fan… Here’s why!

This has been on my mind for some time; basically, ever since Sridevi passed away. I have been seeing people’s post about how sad they were and how they were devastated by her death. I felt none of that. Of course, I was shocked when I woke up to the news on 25th February, but that was mostly because I had been seeing her pictures at Mohit Marwah’s wedding just a day before. She looked all gorgeous and decked up and one could not have imagined that she would be no more in few hours at the most. But the thing that I am trying to say is that, I was not a fan and somehow there wasn’t much respect for her in me almost throughout.

Image Source: Google Image Search

It is true that I have enjoyed many of her movies like Mr. India, Chaalbaaz, Lamhe, Gumrah and off late English Vinglish, which I totally loved as a movie. I do think that she was a very accomplished actress and celebrated as deserved. She also lived her life on her own terms and I must give her credit for that too. But for me to be a fan of a person, be it an actor or a sportsperson, I think it’s very important for me to relate to their public persona. And one thing I could never relate to are people who get involved with other people who are married. That applies to both men and women. I would not call Sridevi a home breaker because I consider Boney Kapoor equally responsible, if not more, for breaking up his marriage to Mona Kapoor by getting involved with Sridevi. Calling Sridevi a home breaker kind of absolves Boney Kapoor of his responsibility which is wrong. 

Now, don’t get me wrong. I am not the person who believes that a marriage once solemnized should become your whole life’s bondage. A marriage should be happy and should make you a better person. If not, it’s better to call it quits. But, one should give it a proper closure before allowing another person in your life. That is only fair to the one person you had once vowed to stand by in good and bad times. I would have revered Sridevi and Boney Kapoor differently if Boney had first called it quits with his first wife and then gotten involved with Sridevi and if Sridevi would have gotten involved with him only after he ended his first relationship. There are many other examples in the film industry and sports world of such people; Lara Dutta – Mahesh Bhupathi; Shilpa Shetty – Raj Kundra; Aamir Khan – Kiran Rao; Dharmender – Hema Malini; Jennifer Lopez – Ben Affleck; Madonna – Alex Rodriguez; Brad Pitt – Angelina Jolie; and many more. They are all happily married (some are separated again) now but at least one of them was committed to another person when they formed a bond.

While it is easy to say that they had the guts to follow their heart, do give a minute to think about the person who probably trusted them and continued investing in a relationship that was already a lost cause. They deserved better. Their kids deserved better. They deserved a proper closure without the feeling of being deceived. Infidelity, even if it may result in happy legal relationships later, can never earn my respect.

Feminism and shaming!

I am part of a few groups on Facebook and I read a post this morning in one of these groups. The post was supposed to be feminist in nature - only it wasn't. The lady concerned talked about a guy who fat shamed a woman and in return she herself left no stone unturned in doing the same and much more to the guy, going far ahead and even commenting on the guy's strained marital relationship. I was offended to the core.

I myself am a divorced woman and I have never hidden the fact. The thing is that people do not opt for divorce simply on whims and fancies. And almost 100% of time they do not opt for divorce because of the changes in their partner's physical attributes. It's a long-thought decision which is never a winning or a losing game. It is always a lose-lose situation for both. And if you are aware about Indian laws, you would know that getting a divorce in India is not easy. It takes years of litigation, administrative harassment and mental trauma to go through one. So, definitely not a decision one would take just for the heck of it. If two married people part ways, they always have their concrete reasons and no one can judge or even has the right to judge whether their reasons are right or wrong. Not one person has any inkling of what they have gone through together and what kind of relationship and emotional bonding exist or do not exist between them.

Now, coming to the other aspect in the post - fat shaming. I am at least 20 kgs overweight. I even have medical issues which are related to weight. And even though I am aware I should do something about it, I am not doing anything. Do you think I am not aware of all this? Of course, I am. How ones body fares is best know to the person themselves. What use is it telling it on their face or behind their backs? We have young generation who has conceived a very wrong idea of how their bodies should be; resulting in anorexia, eating disorders and what not. I and my family are very careful about what we tell my daughter about her eating habits and body shape. In my home, it is an unsaid rule to never call my daughter fat. We discuss healthy and unhealthy and never fat and thin.

L: Greek Goddess Aphrodite; R: Statue in Ajanta-Ellora Caves
(Source: Google search)

Just yesterday, me and my friends were talking about postnatal depression. Very often it is related to the changes in the body following childbirth. Women lose their confidence looking at the sudden weight gain, stretch marks, and bulges. This is not something that comes just on its own. I am no psychologist, but personally, I feel it has a lot to do with the body image and expectations that the society has created for women. And this should change. The entire mindset about how women's body only look good if they are slim and have a flat abdomen should be thwarted. Please go and check the ancient scriptures. Aphrodite, the Greek Goddess of love and beauty had enough bulges on her body and was considered the most beautiful woman in the universe. None of the figures in Ajanta and Ellora are stick thin. They are all curvaceous and gorgeous.

I recently read somewhere that "You shouldn't point out things about people's appearances if they can't fix it in ten seconds." I think it is a wonderful mantra to remember, follow and teach our kids too.

How my divorce made me a better person after all!

The day before, I was sitting with someone and we were discussing what it means to be a single mom. One of the things we talked about was how my divorce had changed me. That’s when I reflected that my divorce has actually made me a better person.

Source: Google search

Just like getting married, getting divorced is a life changing event, especially if you have children. When you enter into a marriage, you are filled with hopes of a new life full of love. And when it falls apart, you can’t help feeling a little lost and depressed. It is not just the end of the marriage but the end of who you were in that marriage, and who you had hoped you would grow to be. No one comes out of this unchanged. I am no exception. I am no longer the person I used to be in another life when I was married. Here’s how I have changed for the better:

It has made me more resilient and stronger

I must admit that thanks to the wonderful upbringing I got from my parents, I have never felt as the ‘weaker sex’. I always believed I could achieve anything I set my heart to. But, I have otherwise had a very protected childhood. Right until my college admissions, my dad accompanied me to college and helped me with everything. After college when I started doing my CA articleship, he would drive me down to every client before the start of every audit to make sure I was familiar with the place and the way. Every coaching class which ended after or any working day which extended beyond 8.00 pm, my dad was there outside the building waiting to pick me up. He was always my back and it was because I could fall back on him, that I left everything behind and came back. But then he passed away a year after my separation just when my divorce proceedings were about to start. I was suddenly on my own; dealing with policemen, lawyers, courts, CAW cell authorities and what not. Did I ever wonder whether I would be able to sail through? Yes. Did I ever wonder that I should just let go and accede to their stupid demands? Yes. Did I ever wonder whether I should just continue to live in status quo? Yes again. But all these wonderings only lasted a short while. Eventually, I would be back ready to fight whatever challenges lay ahead. My dad often used to say to me, “Zindagi mein kabhi kisi cheez se ghabrana nahin hai. Woh kehte hain naa, ‘When the going gets tough, the tough get going’.” Those words sailed me through everything and I emerged eventually as a much stronger person than I thought I could be.

It has made me independent and self-reliant

My divorce has made me more independent than ever - in every sense of the word - financially, emotionally, and socially. I am now far more equipped to be on my own than I ever was before. While I was going through the process of divorce, somewhere down the line I realized that at the end of the day, I am on my own. I made mistakes but I learnt from them. I suffered losses but recovered as fast as I could. There was this force inside me which wanted me to go through the process on my own, without relying on every word of the professionals like lawyers, policemen, etc. I used to discuss with them, argue with them and eventually gathered every information I could use. This is the approach I adopted for my other dealings too.

It has made me appreciate the good people in my life

We often take those who love us for granted. But, seeing how my loved ones - friends and family - often went out of their way to be there for me, to offer me unrelenting support and love, has given me a new found appreciation, respect and love for them. For every person who bails on you or ill-treats you; there are five who stand by you. It is simply a matter of learning to recognize them. My mom was an unrelenting support not just morally but who did everything so as to enable me to get back on my feet. She looks after my daughter while I am away working for more than the normal work shifts. She is there when I travel on business. And the best part was that she was an equal partner in every endeavor we had to undertake to settle down after the double loss of my dad’s demise and the break-down of my marriage. If I stood tall, it was because she never buckled down under pressure. And there was my cousin who stood by my side on every hearing, on every visit to the police station or the mediation center. My divorce taught me to recognize the people who stood by me, and has made me a person who would not hesitate to do the same for them.

It has helped me regain my confidence

I have always been a confident person thanks to my schooling and my upbringing. But somewhere along the way after I had gotten married and had to leave my career, my ex-husband and his family meticulously worked to kill my confidence and mould me into a submissive, compromising person. My confidence was at an all-time low when I came back to my parents’ house post my separation. I would sit quiet all day long and keep thinking of what had happened to my life. That’s when my parents intervened. Within a week, I was on a job hunt on my parents’ insistence. It wasn’t easy. I had been on a break for over 4 years. I had lost touch with all laws, governances, rules and notifications which were so important in my profession. I was even scared of facing interviewers and would walk in with a smile all pepped up by my parents but would end up dispirited just after one trick question that I couldn’t handle. Nevertheless, I managed to start from a scratch at the base position in a medium size CA firm, eventually growing step-by-step over the years. It taught me the value of my education because the only thing that got me back on my professional track was my illustrious academic background.

It has taught me to be grateful

Like I said, I had been on a 4 years break post my marriage because I was forced to give up my career post marriage. When I came back and started finding a foothold back in the professional sphere, I could see all my peers surging way ahead of me. A very important lesson that I learnt was not to compare my career progression with theirs. I realized that I would never be ever satisfied with what I have, in career as well as in life in general, if I keep comparing what I had with what my peers had. I learnt to be thankful and grateful for what I had rather than crib about what I didn’t have. I found a job and was getting to do the kind of work I loved to do. I had a beautiful daughter who brightened my day every day and made me ever so proud to be her mother. I had a lovely family that stood by me like a rock throughout. I was alive, I was well and I was happier than I was when I was married. What more to ask really?

The people are judgemental all the time!

Image Source: Google Search

People are judgemental. People are judgemental all the time. People are judgemental for no reason at all. What does being judgemental mean? As per the Oxford Dictionary, judgemental means "having or displaying an overly critical point of view." It was beautifully expressed in the movie English Vinglish. (Watch here) 

I have vast experience of having people judge me. I am a divorced woman and a single mother. I have had people who hardly know me call me out as a frustrated, unhappily divorced woman. Add to it the fact that I am by profession an Internal Auditor, whose job is to tell people what they are doing wrong, and who generally happens to be the most hated person (department) in a company; the opinionated comments become all the more free-flowing. The moment you disagree with someone at work for anything, no matter howsoever trivial; the moment you give any kind of a hard time to anybody at work; the first reaction is, “What the hell? Apni life ki frustration hum pe kyun utaar rahi hai?" People just tend to assume that you are divorced, so you are living a miserable and a traumatic life and you vent out all your misery on others. It is just so difficult for people to understand that a divorced woman can also have a happy and content life. But that is exactly how our society works. The people are judgemental all the time.

A colleague of mine is well into her late 40s and is still unmarried, definitely by choice. She has this towering persona with a loud booming voice and the confidence to never mince words. She is a strong, independent woman who hadn't learnt to be subservient. So, people just tend to assume that she is unmarried because no guy would marry a loudmouthed, over-the-top, overtly bold woman. It is so difficult for people to understand that an unmarried woman can choose not to settle for just about anyone, unless that person actually tugs at her heartstrings and matches her frequency. But that is exactly how our society works. The people are judgemental all the time.

Then there was this smart, good-looking woman in my previous company who got along very well with her boss. She had risen the ranks in the company very fast. Now, I didn't know her personally but I had seen her make a few presentations. They were really awesome and I always admired how she handled the audience questions. If anyone could see, they would realize that she knew her subject matter inside out. But nobody saw that. All they saw was a beautiful woman, friendly with her boss, who rose ranks very fast. They wouldn't mince words in dismissing her success to "some services she provided to her boss outside the office." It is so difficult for people to accept that a woman can rise professionally due to her capabilities and professionalism. But that is exactly how our society works. The people are judgemental all the time.

I know someone who became a widow at a very young age. She had always been a very soft-spoken, demure, homely woman who never raised her voice, not even in front of a very dominating mother-in-law. Her parents-in-law blamed her for their fate and a lost son. They were as mean as they could be, insulting her at the word go. They assumed she was weak and at their mercy, so they could do with her as they pleased. They all said that her life was finished - with two teenage sons to raise, she was bound to become dependent on mercies of her matrimonial family. Nobody expected her to stand on her feet after having been a home-maker all her life. But she chose not to let her sons' fate be dictated by anyone. She chose to start her own enterprise and raise her sons the way she wanted. They went on to study abroad with the funds she earned on her own, not being indebted to anything but a mother's love. It is so difficult for people to picture a woman stand on her own feet after having lived in a man's shadow for a while. But that is exactly how our society works. The people are judgemental all the time.

The sad part is not that this is exactly how our society works. The sad part is not that people are judgemental all the time. The sad part is that the society works like this only in case of women. The sad part is that people are judgemental all the time when it comes to women. The sad part is even women do not come forth and support other women. The sad part is that even women undermine and pull down other women.