Confessions of an insufferable know-it-all

Harry Potter books have made the term 'insufferable know-it-all' very famous when at least on two occasions Prof. Snape uses it for Hermione Granger. Hermione goes out of the way in preparing for each class and each subject and her hand was always the first one to shoot up in class for every single question asked. If anything could upset her, it was the cancellation of exams. Nothing could please her more than being acknowledged for her correct answers and if they gain points for her house, all the more better.

Well, guess what? I can relate to her because I have often found myself in her situation when in school. Honestly, I wasn't as careened to the characteristics as Hermione was but I was still close enough. I didn't depress in exams being postponed (unlike Hogwarts where this was close to an annual ritual, they have never been cancelled in my student days). I also didn't get vexed whenever a teacher didn't show up or a class / lecture got cancelled. But I definitely was the one whose hand shot up the fastest in any class on any question. I did take pride in making the best of the notes in class. My motive was always to try and get the best seats - read first row in my case. And I was beaming and happy whenever a teacher was impressed with me.

And I did feel the same kind of stares behind my back, even prickling my skin sometimes as the realisation dawned; and I know how Hermione might have felt. I have often been shushed by my classmates when I have asked questions at a time when everyone is just praying for the lessons to get over. And I have never really paid any heed to them and gone ahead and asked anyway. I have at times been even booed or catcalled after class for dragging the discussions on when everybody else wanted out, but my only quest had always been gathering of as much knowledge as I could.

Even after school, I have faced terms like 'Ms. Encyclopaedia' and 'Lady Google' at work places or friend circles and I have simply laughed them off. I still cannot restrain myself from finding out information about something that might interest me randomly. Thanks heaven that technological advancements have brought in Google and Wikipedia to come to my rescue and the task has become pretty easier.

Well, to all those people who have ever conferred me with such names and titles, I would like to say, "Sorry, but I couldn't care less, for none of these tags have ever deterred me. I have never given two hoots about what people have had to say about me trying to make myself smart. And honestly, the fact that by God's grace, I have made a decent life for myself only proves that I was never wrong about not giving a damn."

Are women really shattering the chains holding them back?

A petty conversation with a mother of one of my daughter's friends got me thinking. Yesterday when I showed up unexpectedly directly from office at my daughter's class, one of the mothers waiting there looked at my saree and said, "Wow! You're wearing a saree! I love to wear a saree too but I don't wear it much. It's only what my husband and sometimes my kids like that I wear." Jolted slightly, I did not make much of her statement. But the conversation led on and I found out that the lady per se cannot just wear whatever she likes but she also cannot have a haircut whenever she likes and first needs permission from her husband and her father to get one done because they don't like short hair. Once the hairdresser had cut the hair short without her noticing it and she ended up tying her hair up in a bun for two months in the fear that they would notice and only started opening it or tying it in a ponytail when they regained the length. 

I am not talking about some woman from an orthodox family. The lady in question is a Master's in Engineering who is not working out of choice because she and her family prefers that she's there in person for her two kids. Her husband is a very educated Management graduate from India's elite and most reputed institute working at a very senior position in finance of a famous MNC company. They are living in a posh 4-bedroom apartment in Gurgaon, driving sedans, dining in fine dining restaurants and generally considered a very well-off family. And they are genuinely nice people, usually liberal minded, very sensible and educated. The husband in question is not some mean selfish man but rather a nice gentleman very caring towards his family and the couple has a very happy marriage otherwise. But this is still the norm and the culture in the family never questioned by anyone, maybe even unconsciously.

Then later at night, I was having a chat with my mother generally where all my peers from my earlier days were. And there were at least two cases - and a few more which I could think of later as well - where I reflected that both the husband and wife started together, had a love marriage and while the husbands enjoy very high-ranking professional positions today, the wives are at best at middle-management positions if at all not ending up as home-makers. And for all I know it might be by choice even. The ladies had kids, took breaks, sometimes more than once, did part-time works or work from homes juggling both responsibilities and did not progress much in their careers. They may or may not regret that. The husbands may or may not be responsible or guilty for halting their wives' careers. But such is the story of many a working ladies. But what is surprising is that never to any of these people did it even once occur that the husband takes a break to look after the kids while the mom resumes her career full time. And again, most of them are very educated people and the men are nice caring husbands and very loving fathers. But such is the norm of the society and nobody ever questioned it.

And both these episodes got me thinking, that we are always talking about feminism and eventually uplifting women by letting them study and work in professional areas. We are always making big claims about how women are shattering all perceptions about their position in the society and breaking all barriers. But are they really doing it? Is there still some part of their traditional / orthodox role that is taken for granted even by the educated, liberal-minded, modern people and even by the women themselves? Why am I reminded of Farhan Akhtar's hard-hitting dialogue about women empowerment in "Dil dhadakne do"? Rahul Bose was not shown as a bad husband in the movie but just that despite his view of himself as a very adjusting and liberal husband, he had never really questioned his control over his wife and why there should be any. Most film reviews I had read had branded that particular sequence as unnecessary and simply cashing on a widespread social topic popular nowadays. But honestly, I think that was not just my favourite dialogue from the movie but a very relevant one not just in the movie but in the society in general.

(You can see the "Dil dhadakne do" sequence here)

Anti-national vs. Anti-democratic

JNU is the biggest news nowadays, a small controversy that has snowballed into a massive political storm thanks to the vested political interests. The facts are simple. Some Afzal Guru sympathizers organized a Pro-Afzal protest in the JNU campus and during the protests Anti-India slogans were shouted all over the campus. The slogans were definitely in bad taste: "Bharat tere tukde honge... Insha allah... Insha allah...", "Bharat teri barbadi tak jung rahegi jaari."

My personal views on this topic are slightly complicated to be put forward but I will try.

Any Indian who respects and loves his/her country will find these slogans objectionable and hurting. And I too condemn such audacity of these people. Now I am not a fan of Arnab Goswami, but at least on this point, I agree with him. These people who hold Indian Passports, are studying in an Indian University on a government subsidized seat paid for by the Indian Tax-payers' money; and who are blatantly misusing the right of freedom of expression provided to them by the Indian Constitution; should be brought to books. This is certainly not acceptable. You can freely voice your opinion but the basic decorum has to be maintained. You cannot be ungrateful citizens to a country which is providing you not just with your sustenance but also your education and opportunities of a bright future.

The fact is that Afzal Guru faced a trial, and I am sure a fair one too. He was given every judicial right of appeal and arguments and basis the evidence (and some say his confession), he was pronounced guilty by the learned judges who awarded him a sentence in accordance to his crime. The same had happened with Ajmal Kasab and Yakub Memon. Yet there is a blind dedication to these terrorists by some people who fail to see any reason and who make martyrs out of them. Okay... It is still acceptable. Not everyone can agree on all court judgements and let's not forget, even the judges are humans. You need not agree with them just because they are judges. But, I still fail to understand how that gives one a right to shout hateful slogans against the country. So, yes, I very strongly condemn what happened at the JNU campus.

Now coming to what proceeded the protests. The student union president was arrested on sedition charges. All opposition and left parties went ahead and started shouting that this was undemocratic and that he was just exercising his right of freedom of expression. What I don't understand is why was this undemocratic? Kanhaiya Kumar has not been detained without being produced in court. He has been produced in court where a trial will be given to him, and the prosecution will argue its case and he has the right to defend himself. The question of whether it was sedition or not will be decided by the court basis the evidences. The apex court has time and again sided with an effects-based test (based on the implication of words) rather than content-based test (which examines the text closely) in deciding sedition cases, much like in American law. Further, the court went as far as to say that section 124A would be ultra vires Article 19(1)(a) if it were applied in case of “words written or spoken which merely create disaffection or feelings of enmity against the Government.” If Kanhaiya Kumar has to be proven guilty, the prosecution will have to prove beyond doubt his intent to incite rather that vice-versa where Kanhaiya Kumar would have been asked to prove absence of any intent to incite. I do not see this undemocratic. It is only inconvenient to Kumar who will have to go through all this judicial proceeding. But he should have thought of it before shouting those slogans at the campus.

What I do find undemocratic is the way lawyers are behaving outside the court where they are openly attacking Kanhaiya Kumar and even the journalists. Nobody has the right to take law in their hands. If Kanhaiya Kumar is guilty, let the judiciary decide his sentence. What I also find undemocratic is how the Home Minister, even before producing Kumar in court, pronounces a judgement saying Kumar is guilty because they have seen a video showing him shout those slogans. I think the judiciary is better equipped to derive such inferences if at all. What I do not find democratic is people demanding shut down of a university by generalising that all students of that university are sympathisers of the terrorists. There are always some anti-social elements in every institution. Some institutions, unfortunately breed a few more such elements than others. It is the task of the people entrusted with law and order maintenance to weed out such elements from the university and not to shut down the institution itself.

P.S. I would not comment on what Congress, Left Parties and AAP representatives have been saying. In my humble opinion, it is their job to oppose the government since they are not currently in power. Moreover, by saying whatever they are saying, they are only proving themselves wrong that there is no "freedom of expression" or "democracy" in India. The UPA especially has simply forgotten that they were the ones in power when Afzal Guru was executed and although it was based on court's decision, they had fully supported it. But then, they now find it politically more convenient to stand on the other side.

Sorry, not sorry!

This happens with me a lot. You get introduced to someone - at work, at any gathering, at your kid's school, anywhere - and as part of normal introductions and chit chat people ask you (generally when they are out of questions about you), "So, what does your husband do?" "Ah, I don't have a husband. I am divorced," I usually answer. Nine out of ten times, bang comes the reply, "Oh, I'm sorry." It is so common in fact, the one time people don't say this is when they are taken by surprise by the unexpected answer and are fumbling for appropriate comeback. But it almost always is "I'm sorry."

And this really irks me and I feel like responding, "Don't be! I'm not." And this is a fact. I am not sorry about my divorce. I am not sorry about choosing to walk out of an unhappy marriage. I am not sorry about choosing not to stay in a relationship where I did not get the respect I deserve. And it is really okay. Nobody needs to say or make me feel regretful about it.

There's a reason there are lesser number of divorces in India as compared to the western countries. For once divorce itself is a long drawn tedious legal process and half the time people, especially the ladies, are wary of opting for it despite being in an unhappy situation. Second, there used to be - and somewhat still is - a stigma against it. People tend to easily judge the ones who are divorced, more so if they are females. Well, even saying "I'm sorry" too is a form of judging the person where one assumes that the other person's life has to be miserable because they are divorced and that by asking such a question they themselves have re-exposed them to all their miseries. But what if divorce had actually freed them from miseries? What if the divorce is more of a liberation? Why say sorry for that?

Divorce is more often than not a very well thought out decision, especially when you have kids. It's not something you opt for just to satisfy your ego. In any case, the Indian legal system is such that it beats the ego out of you if you just opt for it on your mere whims and fancies. If two people (or one in case of a contested divorce case) are going on that route, there are bound to be reasons for it. Let's not assume that all of them will feel sorry about it or feel awful being single after it.

Also, as far as I am concerned, I want to set another record straight. Because I am not sorry for choosing to opt for a divorce, that also does not mean that I regret getting married in the first place. No, I do not. That seemed to be the right thing to do at that time and there are definitely some positives that had come out of the relationship and that phase of life. I love my daughter and would not change a thing about that. I appreciate the lessons I have learnt during the journey of getting into the marriage, being in it and getting out of it and those lessons will help me in life in various situations. The whole experience has given me a new perspective about life in general, all the situations and the people around me and I wouldn't like to change that either. No, I wouldn't change a thing about my life at all.

So, next time someone says they are "sorry", I hope I don't mince my words and tell them politely that I AM NOT SORRY for any part of the life that I've lived and the journey I have travelled.