From frustrated to fiercely independent!!

I have evolved greatly as a person over the last few years. It has not been an easy journey, but, I am happy about the way I have handled it. I am proud of where I have reached but I have faith in where I can go.

Being in a bad relationship is not easy. You cannot decide whether you should stick on or let go. The decision is especially difficult when you have kids. You tend to continue and hold on for their sake. This can be very frustrating - actually very very very frustrating. And then comes a blow that breaks everything apart. The oft quoted 'final straw' is gone and you are forced to choose.

Choose between the socially acceptable and familiar but miserable life or the unknown, unfamiliar and maybe socially stigmatised life. I would say a very very difficult decision to make. In my case I chose the latter. Somehow the decision was entirely guided by what was best for my child and yet it was against what the society would have considered best for her.

I asked myself, "what would be better for her - growing up in peace with a single caring parent even if society asks a few uncomfortable questions or growing up in a strife engulfed household with an uncaring father and a frustrated and depressed mother always arguing and bickering even if the society thinks all is hunky dory?"

I decided in favour of former but not without giving the latter a chance. Friends and Family felt that I should try working out a reconciliation. Went in for mediation. I tried, he didn't, I was done.

People said it wasn't going to be easy. I said, "Okay, maybe not. But I am determined to make it happen." I decided that other people's opinion needn't become my destiny. My father said to me, "My child, never ever under any circumstances, give up on life. Because when the going gets tough, only the tough get going." I was determined to make him proud of me. I hope I have and I continue to do so.

I have since moved from frustrated to independent to fiercely independent. I have learned to take life head on and fight it out. I have faltered at times. True. But, then, life is like a boxing ring. It's not the one who falls down who loses but the one who falls and fails to get up.

I don't say I have never made mistakes nor do I guarantee that I won't do so in future. Life doesn't come with a set of instructions, after all. But I guarantee that I don't intend to go down without a fight. That I am sure of.

The sad phase of boredom...

I have always prided myself in the fact that I don't get bored easily ('ever' would be a big word to use in the context so I settle for 'easily'). And my belief stems from the fact that I do not always depend on others to keep myself engaged or occupied. I am comfortable when I am alone, even if for a long time. There is always something or the other to do. Read a book, surf the net, catch up on some TV, watch a movie or simply pen something for my blog. I also relish such time as it gives me time to reflect on what I might want from my life helping me make decisions for future. In fact, having time all for myself is kind of a luxury. Also one of the reasons, why driving alone is such a stress buster.
However, there are times when even I feel bored. The last time that happened I took time to reflect why. How come the very things I enjoy in my free time were not enticing enough at that point in time. Closer reflection brought me to the fact that boredom is nothing but a phase where you are feeling low for reasons absolutely different from lack of work or company. It is nothing but a phase where something has not exactly gone the way you might have wanted it to go and you are not really happy about it. Boredom is but a feeling of sadness.
So how do you overcome it? Certainly not by cribbing and grumbling. A better way to do so is to think happy thoughts or to engage yourself in something that gives you a high. It's not easy because we are so busy being grumpy and complaining about all and sundry (lack of work or being lonely) that we find it hard to figure out what might make us happy. But I have decided to let go of such thoughts and try and entertain myself with something that might cheer me up the next time I feel 'bored'. Maybe you should try it out too.

I love to sit in silence...

The choices that define me

I chose the road
Not the less travelled one though
But not all have ventured till the end.

Some give up
Some change their path
And continue their journey by following the trend.

The road ahead
Is certainly not easy by far
It goes uphill and the ascent is steep.

But I remember Frost:
"I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep."

I move on
A step at a time, step by step
All steps together forming my journey

I pray to God
To give me the strength
To carry on till the goal is a reality

For that's what I choose
The path is not just my strength,
but also my learning, lore and erudition

It's my victory
my conquest, my dominion, my triumph
It's my Nirvana, and also my salvation

I want to live my life
in such a way that I am
Proud of myself and hold high my head

For it's my choices that define me
No matter how big or however small
Of course, for me, the means are just as important as the end.


© Nishtha Khurana, 2012. All rights reserved.