The people are judgemental all the time!

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People are judgemental. People are judgemental all the time. People are judgemental for no reason at all. What does being judgemental mean? As per the Oxford Dictionary, judgemental means "having or displaying an overly critical point of view." It was beautifully expressed in the movie English Vinglish. (Watch here) 

I have vast experience of having people judge me. I am a divorced woman and a single mother. I have had people who hardly know me call me out as a frustrated, unhappily divorced woman. Add to it the fact that I am by profession an Internal Auditor, whose job is to tell people what they are doing wrong, and who generally happens to be the most hated person (department) in a company; the opinionated comments become all the more free-flowing. The moment you disagree with someone at work for anything, no matter howsoever trivial; the moment you give any kind of a hard time to anybody at work; the first reaction is, “What the hell? Apni life ki frustration hum pe kyun utaar rahi hai?" People just tend to assume that you are divorced, so you are living a miserable and a traumatic life and you vent out all your misery on others. It is just so difficult for people to understand that a divorced woman can also have a happy and content life. But that is exactly how our society works. The people are judgemental all the time.

A colleague of mine is well into her late 40s and is still unmarried, definitely by choice. She has this towering persona with a loud booming voice and the confidence to never mince words. She is a strong, independent woman who hadn't learnt to be subservient. So, people just tend to assume that she is unmarried because no guy would marry a loudmouthed, over-the-top, overtly bold woman. It is so difficult for people to understand that an unmarried woman can choose not to settle for just about anyone, unless that person actually tugs at her heartstrings and matches her frequency. But that is exactly how our society works. The people are judgemental all the time.

Then there was this smart, good-looking woman in my previous company who got along very well with her boss. She had risen the ranks in the company very fast. Now, I didn't know her personally but I had seen her make a few presentations. They were really awesome and I always admired how she handled the audience questions. If anyone could see, they would realize that she knew her subject matter inside out. But nobody saw that. All they saw was a beautiful woman, friendly with her boss, who rose ranks very fast. They wouldn't mince words in dismissing her success to "some services she provided to her boss outside the office." It is so difficult for people to accept that a woman can rise professionally due to her capabilities and professionalism. But that is exactly how our society works. The people are judgemental all the time.

I know someone who became a widow at a very young age. She had always been a very soft-spoken, demure, homely woman who never raised her voice, not even in front of a very dominating mother-in-law. Her parents-in-law blamed her for their fate and a lost son. They were as mean as they could be, insulting her at the word go. They assumed she was weak and at their mercy, so they could do with her as they pleased. They all said that her life was finished - with two teenage sons to raise, she was bound to become dependent on mercies of her matrimonial family. Nobody expected her to stand on her feet after having been a home-maker all her life. But she chose not to let her sons' fate be dictated by anyone. She chose to start her own enterprise and raise her sons the way she wanted. They went on to study abroad with the funds she earned on her own, not being indebted to anything but a mother's love. It is so difficult for people to picture a woman stand on her own feet after having lived in a man's shadow for a while. But that is exactly how our society works. The people are judgemental all the time.

The sad part is not that this is exactly how our society works. The sad part is not that people are judgemental all the time. The sad part is that the society works like this only in case of women. The sad part is that people are judgemental all the time when it comes to women. The sad part is even women do not come forth and support other women. The sad part is that even women undermine and pull down other women.

Single Moms: Some by choice and some perforce

I am a single mom. I have been so for 9 years now. And to be honest, it was really by choice because I decided that I was done with all the lies and arguments and mental torture. My daughter was a year and a half old when I walked out of my marriage and I have not repented my decision for a single moment since then. But was it an easy decision? No, it was not. I thought about my daughter's future. I even tried to patch up and went to a marriage counselor, just trying to find a way so that I could make my marriage work - just for the sake of my daughter. But it wasn't working out and I realized that my (now ex-) husband wasn't really a trustworthy person. Then, my marriage counselor said something to me which made me confident enough to take the final plunge. She told me, "Everyone advises you that you should reconcile with your husband for the sake of your child. But, you need to decide what is good for her. What do you think is better for her? Having both parents who don't trust each other or having one parent but who is happy and content in life? A home where people are always arguing or one which is peaceful and full of love?" That's when I decided to let go the useless efforts of reconciliation. I eventually filed for a divorce and after a long nasty fight lasting five years (because my ex-husband was not willing to pay child maintenance), I finally got a divorce.

One would wonder why I have described the above. Because I want to clear out the questions related to whether I thought about my daughter's future OR the questions related to whether I am happy to be divorced? Yes, I thought about my daughter's future A LOT and yes, I am happier than I was ever when I was married. I also want to highlight that I have really struggled and worked hard to attain my single status and I will not have it any other way now.

So, the point is that I am a single mom by choice. I have often talked about the kind of reactions I get when I tell about my status to anyone (you can read about that here and here). But, I also get some very good reactions, especially when it concerns my child. Some people are genuinely nice and they say some very warm and touching things. What I do get to hear a lot is, "You are doing a great job of being both a mom and a dad, balancing so many things alone. Hats off to you." I am always very touched and sometimes lost for words. I am really thankful for all such lovely words I have got time and again from people, but the truth is that I am not doing all that alone. I am not 100% involved with my daughter alone and she also has my mother who is there for her.

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My mom is my biggest support system. She (and even my dad) have always been there for me. And if I had the confidence to take the decision of getting out of a miserable marriage, it was because they had my back. My mom looks after my daughter. It is because of her that I have a super life. I have a job that I love and where I spend close to 10-12 hours of my own free will; I have friends with whom I keep in touch (more virtually than in person though) and even though I may not have a super social always-out-in-the-evening-with-people kind of life, but I still have the kind of life where I can choose to travel, go out and do anything if I want to. I am super thankful to my mom for all that. And if I get complimented for being a great parent, I do realize that I am still just one of the parents, the other half role is played by my mom for me.

Coming back to the question of being a single mom. I also want to highlight that I have seen many single moms around me, quite a few of them living blissfully with their husbands in happy marriages. Happy Marriages? Why would I call them single moms then? Because their husbands hardly play any role in bringing up the kids. I have male friends who very proudly boast that they leave home in the morning and often times when they reach home, their kids are already asleep. I have male colleagues who never even are aware of their kids' progress in school, their tutions, their extra-curriculars, PTMs, or even their hobbies; everything being already superbly handled by their very nice wives (who often also take care of all their husbands needs and like the typical dutiful filmy wives, take out clothes for them every morning, pack their lunch boxes, serve hot dinner when their husbands come back home from work, etc.). And I have awesome female friends who are intelligent, well-educated and have given up their careers to be a full time mom because someone has to be there for the children. Or they take up such jobs as the ones which allow them to be back home by the time their kids are home (part-time jobs, just helping in family run businesses, school teacher jobs, etc.). I often wonder whether they are also not single moms? And they are single moms perforce. And to be fair to them, they don't even get appreciated for their 'mommy skills' the way some of the single moms like me get appreciated. Let's give a shout out to such wonderful moms who are doing a great job, maybe even better than me or others like me.

Some years back, I had had a chance to attend a meet-and-greet session with Kiran Bedi. Now, no one can deny that Kiran Bedi is a role model for many ladies because of all her wonderful achievements, especially during her stint in the police force. But, it also cannot be denied that to accomplish what she has accomplished, she did have to stay away from her family and daughter even at times when the child might have needed her. I had asked Ms. Bedi the exact question as to how she balanced her job and role as a mother especially during those critical formative years of her daughter's development. She told me that she had (much like me) her mother as her support system and her daughter was almost single-handedly brought up by her mother. Then, she gave an advice to all the women out there. She told them that we women need to have a support system to bring up our kids, without which it is not possible. This support system could be our families, our husbands, or parents, or parents-in-law; and if not, some external support system that we can trust, like some day-care, or a maid, or baby-sitters. She stressed that women should never be afraid to ask for help if they need it. It's for their own and their children's sake. And last but not the least, women should over-come the guilt of not doing everything for their children themselves. It is impossible to be always hands on with that. Moreover, it is more important to be happy and content with your own life because if you are happy and content in your life, you will automatically bring up happy and cheerful children even when you are not around them 100% of the time. Actually I have never forgotten that. This one single advice from Ms. Bedi has immensely helped me in my life, not just in overcoming the guilt of reaching out to my mother whenever I need her help, but also in deeply appreciating everything she does for me.