Is it really the easy way out?

A few days back, a lady approached me for some advice. She had been separated from her husband since about an year and a half. She had a small kid and had recently filed for divorce. She claims that the person is a narcissist. Apart from the emotional and mental torture, her husband had apparently cheated on her twice. After the first time, he had apologized and made her believe that since she had been away from him for a few months, he went astray. He admitted it to be a moment of weakness which escalated into a full blown extra-marital affair. But he said sorry and promised not to make the same mistake again, so she put everything behind her and reconciled. A year and a half later, she finds herself in the same situation. He again puts it on her saying that she has brought about a lull in the relationship because of the baby and there was a lack of excitement and so he went astray. This time, the lady took a bold step and moved out. She had since been living with her parents. There had been no reconciliation attempts from either side and a divorce case had been filed by her. Now, as is the norm in divorce cases, the couple was referred for mediation. During mediation, the husband had once again apologized. He was promising not to make the same mistake again and requesting her to come back. She had messaged me to ask what she should do? She admitted that there was no surety at all that he would keep the promise (in fact, by now she had understood that he would not keep the promise he was making and that they were just worthless words). She also understood now that although he always made her feel guilty by making her believe everything was her fault, it was in fact he who was in the wrong here. But she was still contemplating reuniting with her husband for her child's sake.

If anyone asks for my advice, I never tell them what to do, especially in cases of marriage and divorce. If I have gone through similar situation, I usually tell them what I had done and why. If I had never gone through such a situation myself, I clearly tell them so. In latter scenario, I often tell them what, in my opinion, were the pros and cons of the choices the person had in front of them. Anyway, this post is not about what I told her or what she eventually decided to do (which honestly I am not even aware of as of now). This post is about what I felt was driving her to consider the option of reuniting with her husband knowing that the promise was fake. They call it "for the child's sake", but it actually means "societal pressure".

It wasn't like she was not able to care for her kid. She had been raising her kid without her husband's support for about 2 years now. She was working and was doing decently in her profession. So, even the finances where her kid was concerned were not really a problem (she was doing fine, as she explained to me and in any case her application for child support was pending in court). Her parents had supported her all this time. But suddenly, they and her friends and her relatives were of the opinion that she should give her husband "one chance to come around" for "her child's sake". (I fail to understand why everyone had ignored the fact that she had already given him "one chance to come around" and that this would in fact be his "second chance to come around").

She is actually not the only one who has been in this dilemma. In fact, every single woman who had opted for divorce, with a kid or not, has gone through this dilemma - whether she should give her marriage one more chance.* Many of them already knew deep inside that this is not going to work and yet they thought and sometimes decided to give the marriage a second chance. I did that too and I had thought back then, "At least, it would clear my conscience and I would not feel that I did not try." Similarly, everyone feels that they should not feel or someone should not tell them that they did not try or that they took the easy way out.

After all, the society believes that making a marriage work is a difficult job and divorce is the "easy way out". If only the people knew what one has to go through to reach the end of a divorce, they would never say such a stupid thing. Choosing divorce over reconciliation is not an easy way out. For the divorce process would be the hardest battle that a woman would ever fight in her whole life. 

* I would like to hope that every man also goes through the same confusion but I have not been privy to many men discussing their marriage and divorce stories with me so I am not so sure about that.

Divorce rates are rising everywhere... And that's a good thing!

It is no surprise that the divorce rates have shot up over the last 60 years ever since the Hindu Code Bill was passed in the 1950s. The latest census statistics, which allow the people to select one of the options, namely, never married, separated, divorced, widowed, married; tell us that the number of divorced people have grown exponentially in the said period. Moreover, there are even a higher number of people who have chosen their status as separated. This status can be attributed to people in the middle of divorce proceedings (considering the time taken in litigation in the slow-moving Indian courts) or to the people living separately but not opting for divorce because of the stigma associated with same. This is taking into account that some people may not even report separation or divorce because the society still looks down at such marital statuses.

Image source: Google search

Yes, that's true. The society looks down at the divorced status (even more than the separated status). There are always discussions and arguments like how our grandparents and parents "worked through" their problems and did not simply opt for divorce. And the good old Indian morals come into the picture where our own dear country is concerned. Our upholders of 'sanskaar' and the older generations in our families claimed that the divorce rates in India are low because of our great family values and morals. And now they rue that the divorce rates are increasing because there is a conspicuous decline in these values.

A lot of people act like higher divorce rates are actually indicative of a loss of morality, ethics and a sense of commitment and responsibility. The people proclaiming our great values and ethics lament and blame the phenomenon on 'westernization'. They claim that families are breaking down because people have no patience to give their marriages a chance. But the truth, in my opinion, is entirely something else.

The truth in my opinion is that in the older generation, people "worked through" their problems in private because women just continued to "adjust" and bear with what was metted to them. The women hand no financial and social security; no incomes and assets; and hence did not have any option or choice but to 'work it out'. Add to it the social stigma attached to the status of divorce. So, they simply chose to continue living in abusive and unhealthy relationships for the lack of options, for the sake of their children, or to stay away from the social stigma of divorce. It was actually all about keeping up appearances. Honestly, how is it possible to have a healthy marriage if someone feels disrespected or insulted by their partners more often than not?

But the rising divorce rates in my opinion is actually a sign of social and economic progress of women and greater autonomy now enjoyed by women. It means that fewer women are dependent on men and can decide for themselves what they want their life to be. With education and awareness to back them, women are now breaking free of the rule that told them to stay quiet in front of a man. More and more women are becoming financially independent and don't rely on their husbands, or anyone else, for survival. Even if kids are involved, women are now able to earn and take care of them, if required. With this financial independence comes a stronger sense of self-confidence and the ability to walk out of a bad marriage. Higher divorce rates actually mean that women are leaving abusive and unhealthy relationships at higher rates. It means that women are finally standing up for themselves because now they can. How can that be a bad thing really?

The stigma won't go away overnight, but the least we can do is stop pretending that Indian values, morality, ethics and our culture are being threatened by an increasing divorce rate.

I am sick of Women's Day!!

Yet another "Women's Day" has gone past and by the end of the day, I was just so sick of all the "Happy Women's Day" posts and WhatsApp messages. (I sometimes also feel the same after reading the Mother's Day posts.) I had totally ignored the newspapers yesterday as I did not want to go through all those articles about how great women are. "Oh, women are just so compassionate." "Women are the nurturers." "They are beautiful creatures of nature." "They are so intuitive." I just wanted to stay away from all these stereotypes just as much as I wanted to avoid looking (and getting angry over) all the advertisements of Women's Day offers, the spa and beauty packages, the jewelry gift ideas, and discounts. Despite that I still stumbled upon a saree shop giving discount equal to half the age of their women customer, and it irked me no end. All these messages, posts and advertisements are irritating to me.

One of the messages, which I received from multiple people yesterday went like this: "You're one half of the world and the reason for the other half." Excuse me? It's not like women reproduce on their own? Yes, they bear children. But that is because at least one of the two sexes has to bear the offspring after the two together reproduce. And nature / biology, granted that physiology to the female sex. That's it. Period.

I hate all these messages. They all are like, "Let's celebrate women because women are this and women are that." I myself just forwarded one simple "Happy Women's Day" message because the others which were going all gaga about how great we women are were just stupid. They were just so against the whole idea and the whole spirit of International Women's Day.

The whole idea of International Women's Day is about gender equality, not telling the world how special women are. We should be arguing that we are not very different from the other half of the population and hence we should be treated as their equals. What we actually do is the exact opposite. We tell them, "Oh, we are so different from you all. We are special. So, please give us special treatment." That's just plain revolting! We are not special. We are not extraordinary. We are just like you. Biologically, we and you have different functions and just like our jobs, we fulfill those functions. That doesn't make us different and that definitely doesn't make us special. We do not need this chivalry really. This day which had a lot of meaning initially has been reduced to a marketing gimmick.

P.S. (added as an afterthought) A friend of mine today wrote about "benevolent sexism". The way we celebrate Women's Day nowadays is a perfect example of "benevolent sexism". Please Google it and read about it. And please learn to differentiate. It is actually more harmful to the goal of feminism that hostile sexism is.

Please also read my previous linked post here.

I was never a big Sridevi fan… Here’s why!

This has been on my mind for some time; basically, ever since Sridevi passed away. I have been seeing people’s post about how sad they were and how they were devastated by her death. I felt none of that. Of course, I was shocked when I woke up to the news on 25th February, but that was mostly because I had been seeing her pictures at Mohit Marwah’s wedding just a day before. She looked all gorgeous and decked up and one could not have imagined that she would be no more in few hours at the most. But the thing that I am trying to say is that, I was not a fan and somehow there wasn’t much respect for her in me almost throughout.

Image Source: Google Image Search

It is true that I have enjoyed many of her movies like Mr. India, Chaalbaaz, Lamhe, Gumrah and off late English Vinglish, which I totally loved as a movie. I do think that she was a very accomplished actress and celebrated as deserved. She also lived her life on her own terms and I must give her credit for that too. But for me to be a fan of a person, be it an actor or a sportsperson, I think it’s very important for me to relate to their public persona. And one thing I could never relate to are people who get involved with other people who are married. That applies to both men and women. I would not call Sridevi a home breaker because I consider Boney Kapoor equally responsible, if not more, for breaking up his marriage to Mona Kapoor by getting involved with Sridevi. Calling Sridevi a home breaker kind of absolves Boney Kapoor of his responsibility which is wrong. 

Now, don’t get me wrong. I am not the person who believes that a marriage once solemnized should become your whole life’s bondage. A marriage should be happy and should make you a better person. If not, it’s better to call it quits. But, one should give it a proper closure before allowing another person in your life. That is only fair to the one person you had once vowed to stand by in good and bad times. I would have revered Sridevi and Boney Kapoor differently if Boney had first called it quits with his first wife and then gotten involved with Sridevi and if Sridevi would have gotten involved with him only after he ended his first relationship. There are many other examples in the film industry and sports world of such people; Lara Dutta – Mahesh Bhupathi; Shilpa Shetty – Raj Kundra; Aamir Khan – Kiran Rao; Dharmender – Hema Malini; Jennifer Lopez – Ben Affleck; Madonna – Alex Rodriguez; Brad Pitt – Angelina Jolie; and many more. They are all happily married (some are separated again) now but at least one of them was committed to another person when they formed a bond.

While it is easy to say that they had the guts to follow their heart, do give a minute to think about the person who probably trusted them and continued investing in a relationship that was already a lost cause. They deserved better. Their kids deserved better. They deserved a proper closure without the feeling of being deceived. Infidelity, even if it may result in happy legal relationships later, can never earn my respect.