I was having a discussion today with a junior at work, a girl who I had started interacting with recently. We discuss a lot of work-related stuff, and she often comes to me for advice. Today she told me, “Ma’am, I love talking to you as you always encourage me and give me practical advice. Otherwise, my experience with female bosses and peers have never been good and sometimes I feel that many women are vicious with other women even when they support men at their workplace.”
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That got me thinking. Even my experience with female bosses and colleagues has been mixed, much like my experience with male bosses and colleagues; but I guess this hurts more because one would assume that being someone in the same shoes, the other woman would be more supportive. After all, a woman should know another woman’s struggle, right? And yet, it doesn’t happen like that. Even I had a female boss who would shout or even insult me for every small thing while she wouldn’t be as spiteful with my male colleagues; not even when one of my colleagues made a blunder costing the company huge losses. I used to think, is the patriarchy so ingrained in her that she finds it so difficult to raise a voice against the men while she finds it so very convenient to do so against women?
Even outside workplace, this is a common scenario. I have seen Family courts are full of female judges who favour husbands in domestic violence cases. And I am not talking about exceptions here, because every woman who has gone to a family court to seek redressal has felt the same. Right from husband’s availability being given more importance than wife’s for the next date to the wife being told “thoda bardasht karna seekho (learn to endure a little)”, I have seen it all. I remember once I had seen a warring couple step out of court after being given the next date, when the man started beating his wife in public right outside the court. The lady ran back inside and told the judge what happened. All the judge said was, “Toh tujhe kisne kaha tha uske saamne jaane ke liye? Jab yahan khadi hoke use bura bhala bolegi toh usse gussa nahin aayega kya? (Who told you to go in front of him? If you stand here and say petty things about him, won’t he feel angry?)” I was left aghast.
They say, “Behind every successful woman is a tribe of other successful women, who have her back.” So why would you not back other women and have other women backing you.
And I have seen enough examples also of the reverse case where women have stood up for women. I do that proudly as often as I can. A colleague once was sharing a ‘juicy gossip’ with me about a female colleague going around with a male colleague and her having been seen entering the man’s house one evening. I asked him how it is any of his business to comment on it because as far as I see, they are two consenting adults, and the company policy nowhere prohibits any romantic relationships. The said company had a few married couples as employees already.
The best example I have seen of women solidarity is an incident I came across in the Crime against Women’s Cell. The usual scene at the CAWC is women complainants (most of whom belong to economically weaker sections and are not much educated), waiting for hours for their husbands (respondents) to show up for counselling, with no better time pass than watching other couples being counselled. I was doing the same that day. A woman complainant had been driven out of her marital home with her 6-month-old daughter as her husband was allegedly having an extra-marital affair. The couple had eloped and gotten married and neither her paternal family and nor her matrimonial family was supporting her, and she had taken refuge in a local Gurudwara since 2-months as she had nowhere to go. The lady was beautiful, even by the conventional societal norms – very fair, sharp feature and gorgeous hazel eyes – and her daughter was her splitting image. I could hear gossips about how a woman like her could be abandoned. I felt pity for the lady as she begged in front of the mediator/counsellor to ask her husband to take her back. The counsellor, a male, tried to convince her husband to do so as well, and went on to say that he should also think about his daughter. The husband, rude and nonchalant that he was, just shrugged and said, “Mujhe kya pata meri beti hai? Jaise mere saath bhaagi thi, kisi aur ke saath bhi to muh kala kiya ho sakta hai? (How do I know this is my daughter? The way she eloped with me; she could have been physically involved with someone else?)” The lady was furious that she pushed her husband with one hand (she was holding her daughter in the other) even as tears flowed down her eyes. The man, barely even falling a step back but taking a blow to his ego, immediately raised his hand to slap her but had to back off when at least 7-8 ladies around me screamed,came forward and stood by the wife’s side. In a flash of a second, she was surrounded and even all the counsellors were flabbergasted and stood up in attention. One of the ladies shouted, “Haath laga ke dikha! (Touch her and see!)” I could literally see fear on the face of the man who was acting like a daredevil or a badboy a minute ago. He had no choice but to back out even as the counsellors tried to take the situation back under control. I don’t know what happened in her case; and I often think about her wondering how and where she and her daughter would be. But that day I realized one thing – that even if a woman is herself in a tight spot (like all those ladies were), they can always be a force to reckon with if they support each other.
There’s a saying that “when women support each other, incredible things happen.” It’s actually true… Strong women stand together when things are rough, hold each other up when they need support, and laugh together when there’s no reason. They look out for each other. They stand with each other and not against each other. One woman can make a difference but together they can rock the world.
