The Padmaavat debate is going in the wrong direction

I haven’t seen the movie Padmaavat yet, but after what I have heard and read in reviews I am confused whether I should even go and watch it, especially since even my 11 year old daughter is interested in it. I don't have a problem with the war scenes and I think I can explain to her the scenes showing a ruthless Alauddin Khilji. What I do have a problem with is the romanticization of Jauhar. Apparently, all they discuss related to Jauhar and why Rani Padmavati chose to do it is about her faithfulness to her husband (she asks his permission to commit Jauhar) and the Rajputi pride, honour and ‘usool’. There is no mention at all of the brutal consequences that Rani Padmavati would have faced if she would have been captured alive by Khilji.

There are a few debates going around this movie. The first one and the more well-known one involves Karni Sena. Honestly, I am lost here because I do not even understand what problem they have with the movie. From what I understand, the movie is solely about the grandeur and opulence of the Rajput kingdoms and about their valour, honour and pride. Now, my question is that does Karni Sena, which claims to protect and hail exactly the same, does not want the country and the world to witness their culture, heritage and everything else? I really do not understand why else would they protest against this movie. And so I will not venture into this further. I will also not comment on what is the real history because, in my personal opinion, it is but a documentation of legends that had fallen down from various generations. Some incidents may have different interpretations as communicated by different people to further generations. Everything should be accepted, yet with a pinch of salt.

The painting of Maharani Padmavati 

performing Jauhar as displayed in the

Maharana Pratap Memorial in Udaipur

(Source: Google search)

Then there are some thoughts shared by Swara Bhaskar in an amazingly worded open letter to Sanjay Leela Bhansali. One of my friends, Radhika, expressed similar thoughts on her blog. Though I agree to every word of what they said, I will refrain from commenting whether Rani Padmavati was right in committing Jauhar or not. What Swara and Radhika say are pertinent and true for the current age and times. But Rani Padmavati lived in a different age and a different era. The customs, sentiments and principles of that age were different. Human race evolves over time. New sentiments and new principles evolve and are accepted and it should be so. Jauhar and Sati were regressive and sexist practices and have been rightly done away so. What is important is that it should have been made clear in the movie that they were old age archaic practices and have been rightly done away with. The movie instead glorifies Jauhar and that is where I have an issue. When you showcase a part of history on the screen, at least put the right facts there. Those ladies did not commit Jauhar because they wanted to prove their valour. They did not commit Jauhar because they were too proud to face defeat for their community. And they definitely did not commit Jauhar because they did not want to live without their husbands. They committed Jauhar because they did not want to face what they knew were a determined fate in the face of their army’s loss – rape, torture and the brutality of Khilji and his army.

I don't understand why people are even discussing rape here. It's not about rape; and yes I do believe that rape is not the end of the world for a woman and life is much more precious. The discussion here should be more about sex slavery vs. death. To set the record straight, I am also not saying that it was better to choose death over sex slavery. I am saying that there is a difference between rape and sex slavery. I am saying that the Rajput women including Rani Padmavati made a choice and chose death over sex slavery. But that choice aspect and the other option if not death, should have been brought out clearly in the movie, which I have heard has not been done. The fact is that Padmavati's Jauhar did take place and she chose death. Obviously when you are presenting a historical fact (irrespective of creative liberties), you will not present that Rani Padmavati chose life or chose to fight (which some debaters allege that she should have done). But her decision should have been presented in the right perspective - that she chose death over sex slavery or inclusion into Khilji's harem. It shouldn't have been presented as something that she did out of love for her husband or because she was a brave 'pativrata stree'.

In reality, Padmavati's Jauhar has more deep rooted relevance than just honour and pride. It’s more to do with war plunder and how the ruthless winning armies take to brutalizing women in a show of power. The women captured were raped, enslaved and brutally treated as a mark of humiliation and for gross display of power and conquests. For some reason, devastation of cities and loot of wealth is never enough for the wining armies to show their dominance over the losing side. They make the humiliation more personal by ravaging their women and making them sex slaves. This is the deepest mark of patriarchy where they demonstrate their dominance over the women. After all, they want to prove to the men over whom they won that now we control what you have controlled all this while… your subjectives (read women). It’s like saying, “You were their ‘protectors’ once but now see what we will do to them.” And it's not just true for history. It's happening right now too in various parts of the world. It had happened in India-Pakistan during Partition, in the World Wars, in Vietnam, in Iraq, in Afghanistan, and loads of other wars… every war. Even today, ISIS is a real example. I have read horrifying stories of Yazidi women who have escaped the clutches of ISIS. Girls as young as 9 years old are raped and sexually abused by multiple partners. They are tortured and sold like cattle. The details are horrific beyond imagination. True, they did not commit Jauhar and probably they did not even have a choice to do so even when they feel like giving up. True, that they have hope against hope that someday they will escape the clutches of their captors. Some have been lucky too. But, no one would deny that it is a horrific state to be in. And your fault? As Swara and Radhika would put it… They have a Vagina.

If only Sanjay Leela Bhansali would have had the guts to bring this out instead of trying to appease the Rajputs and the Karni Sena with his glorious representation of Rajput pride.

Gratitude for teaching me humility

All my friends know that I did the #100sareepact in 2015. I did not repeat it but I did join many sarees related Facebook groups to help me gain knowledge of the country's vast handloom heritage. One of the Facebook groups, called Kai Thari (now its settings have been changed to a "secret group") with about 12,000 members had an ex-admin doing a wonderful job to revive the extinct Goan Handloom weave of Kunbi sarees. It was a crowd funded initiative where ladies paid for the saree upfront and then she worked with about 6 weavers to get the orders fulfilled. I was one of the participants but, to be honest, my experience wasn't exactly great. That is so because despite the good intentions, humility is not a virtue that this lady possessed. So I decided to quit the group and this is my goodbye post. 

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Hi fellow Kai Tharians,

I finally received my Kunbi saree and I am overjoyed. But it also means that now it is time to bid goodbye to this group. Initially when I joined here, it did seem quite fun. I have come in touch with many wonderful ladies through this group only and for that I will be eternally grateful. However, gradually I have realized that this group is one of the most commercialized groups I have ever seen, run very smoothly and yet very shrewdly by a cartel of women. What is more disturbing is that it runs on the principle of monopoly. So as long as you are publicizing anything related to Spoorthi or Spandana, you are welcome with open arms but everything else is prohibited and can get you barred. I realized that over time. But by then I was stuck with my Kunbi order already placed. Yes, I was waiting for my Kunbi, sometimes maybe not as patiently as the others in this group. But before I leave, I would like to clarify my position here and justify being referred to as a "detractor". I, along with some other women who followed up on their Kunbi orders, have been attacked on this very open forum and I feel it is justified to get one opportunity to put my side of the story. 

1. I don't mind paying for sarees in advance and getting them made on order, I have done that before and will continue to do so even in the future. But then one should be realistic with the timelines and state them properly upfront. When you say 8-12 weeks and then don't even bother to share any updates for months, it's not polite and it definitely is not professional (you may argue that you are not a business person but then honestly you were behaving exactly like one). The best you could have done is state upfront at the time of taking orders that the sarees will take about 6-8 months before delivery. You recently mentioned that you keep your word or else let the other person know. Then maybe I am an exception because I never got a concrete answer. 

2. When someone's order is delayed, it is natural for them to follow up on the status. Which is exactly what I and some other people you refer to as your detractors were doing. The least you can do is be polite, apologize for the delay and give them a realistic and practical revised delivery date. However, instead of doing any of that, you were as near to the point of being rude as possible. After all, how could anyone even question you regarding such a noble work that you are doing? Right?

3. Your update posts can be neutral generic and simplistic posts explaining the delay. However, your posts were exactly not like these. They were sob stories of how much effort you are putting in and how you are tracking lost packages and handling lacs of money in your account and explaining to tax authorities and so on and so forth. People who do good work for the sake of goodness, do not make sob stories and gather sympathies. You have no idea what charitable initiatives others are running too. But they can easily make out the excuses because they have dealt with all these issues though not cried publicly. We appreciate all the good work you are doing but for the sake of the weavers at least, try not to turn it into a sob story. 

4. Some people have less patience than others. If you commit on 8 - 12 weeks and if after 6 months they have not received their product, they have every right to ask for a refund. (Wait... Just to set the record straight for other people reading this, I wasn't one of those people who had asked for a refund but I do understand their mindset.) And if you are agreeing to give them a refund, you are not doing them any favor. Also, please don't say that you are offering them a refund OUT OF YOUR OWN POCKET, because these people have already trusted your pocket with their full payment in advance. They are asking for THEIR OWN money and not yours.

5. It's nice to know that Management schools are asking you to share your experience about the crowd funded initiative. It's also nice that government bodies are coming to you to get Kunbi bags. It's great for the initiative and the weavers to get that kind of exposure. I have always admired your marketing skills and the latest example were your own recent posts with blue Kunbi prepping up customers for your next batch of orders. I only hope there would have been a more two way exchange at the management school and that they would have shared with you not just how to attract customers but also how to retain them by treating them with respect. 

6. If someone discusses the status of their delayed orders among their trusted friends (who unfortunately were not so trustworthy because they feel better gossiping the words said right into your ears) and say that they are not happy about it, they are not BITCHING. They have every right to say that they are unhappy about their delayed order. But somehow this word is a favourite among our Superwoman here and her admin buddies and is freely used. Let me tell you loud and clear that THE WORD REEKS OF SEXISM and is not appreciated by many ladies here. So, please mind your tongue.

7. You have every right to think that the people who are not happy with delayed orders are your detractors. Please feel free to boost your ego with the thoughts that you have followers and you have dissenters. You might as well have named them instead of saying "you know who you are" and then putting a big picture of their packages in full display. But you had no right to put their address and phone numbers on full display in those pics WITHOUT THEIR PERMISSION. I didn't say anything then because luckily for me only my name was visible but there were others whose address and phone numbers were visible too and they did point out and you were requested to take down the pic. Despite the request, you boosted your own ego by continuing with the pic after blackening out the address and phone number. Nevertheless, just so that you know, this is a clear case of cyber crime, invasion of privacy, reportable under IT Act, 2000 for category - insecure electronic transmissions whereby uniquely identifiable data relating to a person is collected and stored, in digital form and shared with or without permission. Hope you are a little more thoughtful next time in taking out your uncalled for vengeance.

8. I work for a NBFC and one of our entities is involved in P2P financing. The only difference between P2P financing and crowd funding is that the in case of former, the projects go through due diligence and customers through underwriting whereas latter is totally based on trust on both sides. For everything else they are the same. Let me tell you also that we allow customers to have grievances and even allow them to take their money out if they are not satisfied with the performance of the project. And we certainly do not crucify them publicly for asking questions. Nobody here had criticized you publicly. Yes, people had private conversations but I and other people were not bad mouthing you or the initiative in any forum whatsoever. On the contrary, you were the only one venting out venom on KT. And despite that we continued to maintain a dignified silence. Please go through the forum or any of your post and tell me a single comment that pointed fingers at you. It's only the people who have been worshiping you who commented and not your so called detractors. 

Having said that, many thanks for your gratitude post. Trust me I reciprocate it equally to you. You have taught me some very valuable lessons about how a humble person should not behave and how you must not treat people who have trusted you. 

There have been a few other issues also here but for now, I will restrict myself to the above mentioned points. Also, I am aware that this post of mine will probably not see the day at least in the Kai Thari group or will be taken down soon enough if I even manage to post it. But it's okay. There are other places where I can get my voice across.

And despite all this I would still wish you and all your blind worshipers, who have relegated you to this God-like status and filled you with this fruitless pride, all the best. Nevertheless, I do hope that one day you step back on earth and start treating the lesser mortals like us as equal fellow humans and gives us some well deserved respect. We are anyways in minority in this group and I have always failed to understand why you even bothered about us at all.

As for me, I am still going to cherish my Kunbi and revel in its coming back to the mainstream through your and a few other hardworking people's appreciable efforts. 

Adieu!! Sayonara!! Good Bye!!

Feminism and shaming!

I am part of a few groups on Facebook and I read a post this morning in one of these groups. The post was supposed to be feminist in nature - only it wasn't. The lady concerned talked about a guy who fat shamed a woman and in return she herself left no stone unturned in doing the same and much more to the guy, going far ahead and even commenting on the guy's strained marital relationship. I was offended to the core.

I myself am a divorced woman and I have never hidden the fact. The thing is that people do not opt for divorce simply on whims and fancies. And almost 100% of time they do not opt for divorce because of the changes in their partner's physical attributes. It's a long-thought decision which is never a winning or a losing game. It is always a lose-lose situation for both. And if you are aware about Indian laws, you would know that getting a divorce in India is not easy. It takes years of litigation, administrative harassment and mental trauma to go through one. So, definitely not a decision one would take just for the heck of it. If two married people part ways, they always have their concrete reasons and no one can judge or even has the right to judge whether their reasons are right or wrong. Not one person has any inkling of what they have gone through together and what kind of relationship and emotional bonding exist or do not exist between them.

Now, coming to the other aspect in the post - fat shaming. I am at least 20 kgs overweight. I even have medical issues which are related to weight. And even though I am aware I should do something about it, I am not doing anything. Do you think I am not aware of all this? Of course, I am. How ones body fares is best know to the person themselves. What use is it telling it on their face or behind their backs? We have young generation who has conceived a very wrong idea of how their bodies should be; resulting in anorexia, eating disorders and what not. I and my family are very careful about what we tell my daughter about her eating habits and body shape. In my home, it is an unsaid rule to never call my daughter fat. We discuss healthy and unhealthy and never fat and thin.

L: Greek Goddess Aphrodite; R: Statue in Ajanta-Ellora Caves
(Source: Google search)

Just yesterday, me and my friends were talking about postnatal depression. Very often it is related to the changes in the body following childbirth. Women lose their confidence looking at the sudden weight gain, stretch marks, and bulges. This is not something that comes just on its own. I am no psychologist, but personally, I feel it has a lot to do with the body image and expectations that the society has created for women. And this should change. The entire mindset about how women's body only look good if they are slim and have a flat abdomen should be thwarted. Please go and check the ancient scriptures. Aphrodite, the Greek Goddess of love and beauty had enough bulges on her body and was considered the most beautiful woman in the universe. None of the figures in Ajanta and Ellora are stick thin. They are all curvaceous and gorgeous.

I recently read somewhere that "You shouldn't point out things about people's appearances if they can't fix it in ten seconds." I think it is a wonderful mantra to remember, follow and teach our kids too.

Choked!

The Supreme Court had recently banned the sale of fire crackers this Diwali and many people had hailed it as an attack on the Hindu religion. Now that we have actually landed where we did not want to land, I would like to ask these learned friends of mine whether Hindus are able to breathe better than Muslims today or vice versa?

Delhi and Gurgaon are choked right now. Pollution is killing us, our family and our children. We are literally breathing in smoke but all our government can do is close school or change the school timings. For how long? And is the air in our homes any better? My heart especially goes out to people whose jobs keep them out of doors like policemen, security guards, gardeners, field executives, etc.

Again, burning paddy chaff is banned by the Supreme Court and again no one is following the order, much like Diwali crackers. Moreover, when it comes to farmers, the government turns a blind eye not willing to irk their vote bank. Someone told me that there are limited alternatives for the farmers and those that are, are really costly and beyond their purchasing power. Maybe he is right, but they are costly and unaffordable for the farmers but not for the country and the government; especially when millions of people are choking to a slow death. 

Let's face it, we are in a state of emergency. We really need extreme measures, both to tackle the problem right now facing us as well as a sustainable solution. My daughter and her class mates are doing a project around how to make Gurgaon a sustainable city. They have listed down some solutions and they will be handing it over to the concerned authorities. But is there even a willingness to implement these? What about us civilians? Do we understand our responsibilities? I see people cribbing about the air quality but I don't see people opting for car pools, shutting down air conditioners, planting trees, etc. To add on to it, everyone is now buying air purifiers which again run on electricity and essentially mean more carbon imprint. 

This is the image of NH8 (Delhi - Jaipur Expressway) on Wednesday at about 7 pm. You are supposed to be able to see a bright moon there, just slowly receding into a crescent shape; only if we would be able to see. The visibility is at a minimum, only a few meters. There is supposed to be a sign board here right in front of me. I can barely see the street lights. Thankfully, the marking on the sides signifying the corner of the road are visible although nothing beyond that is. This actually looks like a road to hell. Are we heading into our doom?

© Photo Nishtha Khurana, 2017. All Rights Reserved.

How my divorce made me a better person after all!

The day before, I was sitting with someone and we were discussing what it means to be a single mom. One of the things we talked about was how my divorce had changed me. That’s when I reflected that my divorce has actually made me a better person.

Source: Google search

Just like getting married, getting divorced is a life changing event, especially if you have children. When you enter into a marriage, you are filled with hopes of a new life full of love. And when it falls apart, you can’t help feeling a little lost and depressed. It is not just the end of the marriage but the end of who you were in that marriage, and who you had hoped you would grow to be. No one comes out of this unchanged. I am no exception. I am no longer the person I used to be in another life when I was married. Here’s how I have changed for the better:

It has made me more resilient and stronger

I must admit that thanks to the wonderful upbringing I got from my parents, I have never felt as the ‘weaker sex’. I always believed I could achieve anything I set my heart to. But, I have otherwise had a very protected childhood. Right until my college admissions, my dad accompanied me to college and helped me with everything. After college when I started doing my CA articleship, he would drive me down to every client before the start of every audit to make sure I was familiar with the place and the way. Every coaching class which ended after or any working day which extended beyond 8.00 pm, my dad was there outside the building waiting to pick me up. He was always my back and it was because I could fall back on him, that I left everything behind and came back. But then he passed away a year after my separation just when my divorce proceedings were about to start. I was suddenly on my own; dealing with policemen, lawyers, courts, CAW cell authorities and what not. Did I ever wonder whether I would be able to sail through? Yes. Did I ever wonder that I should just let go and accede to their stupid demands? Yes. Did I ever wonder whether I should just continue to live in status quo? Yes again. But all these wonderings only lasted a short while. Eventually, I would be back ready to fight whatever challenges lay ahead. My dad often used to say to me, “Zindagi mein kabhi kisi cheez se ghabrana nahin hai. Woh kehte hain naa, ‘When the going gets tough, the tough get going’.” Those words sailed me through everything and I emerged eventually as a much stronger person than I thought I could be.

It has made me independent and self-reliant

My divorce has made me more independent than ever - in every sense of the word - financially, emotionally, and socially. I am now far more equipped to be on my own than I ever was before. While I was going through the process of divorce, somewhere down the line I realized that at the end of the day, I am on my own. I made mistakes but I learnt from them. I suffered losses but recovered as fast as I could. There was this force inside me which wanted me to go through the process on my own, without relying on every word of the professionals like lawyers, policemen, etc. I used to discuss with them, argue with them and eventually gathered every information I could use. This is the approach I adopted for my other dealings too.

It has made me appreciate the good people in my life

We often take those who love us for granted. But, seeing how my loved ones - friends and family - often went out of their way to be there for me, to offer me unrelenting support and love, has given me a new found appreciation, respect and love for them. For every person who bails on you or ill-treats you; there are five who stand by you. It is simply a matter of learning to recognize them. My mom was an unrelenting support not just morally but who did everything so as to enable me to get back on my feet. She looks after my daughter while I am away working for more than the normal work shifts. She is there when I travel on business. And the best part was that she was an equal partner in every endeavor we had to undertake to settle down after the double loss of my dad’s demise and the break-down of my marriage. If I stood tall, it was because she never buckled down under pressure. And there was my cousin who stood by my side on every hearing, on every visit to the police station or the mediation center. My divorce taught me to recognize the people who stood by me, and has made me a person who would not hesitate to do the same for them.

It has helped me regain my confidence

I have always been a confident person thanks to my schooling and my upbringing. But somewhere along the way after I had gotten married and had to leave my career, my ex-husband and his family meticulously worked to kill my confidence and mould me into a submissive, compromising person. My confidence was at an all-time low when I came back to my parents’ house post my separation. I would sit quiet all day long and keep thinking of what had happened to my life. That’s when my parents intervened. Within a week, I was on a job hunt on my parents’ insistence. It wasn’t easy. I had been on a break for over 4 years. I had lost touch with all laws, governances, rules and notifications which were so important in my profession. I was even scared of facing interviewers and would walk in with a smile all pepped up by my parents but would end up dispirited just after one trick question that I couldn’t handle. Nevertheless, I managed to start from a scratch at the base position in a medium size CA firm, eventually growing step-by-step over the years. It taught me the value of my education because the only thing that got me back on my professional track was my illustrious academic background.

It has taught me to be grateful

Like I said, I had been on a 4 years break post my marriage because I was forced to give up my career post marriage. When I came back and started finding a foothold back in the professional sphere, I could see all my peers surging way ahead of me. A very important lesson that I learnt was not to compare my career progression with theirs. I realized that I would never be ever satisfied with what I have, in career as well as in life in general, if I keep comparing what I had with what my peers had. I learnt to be thankful and grateful for what I had rather than crib about what I didn’t have. I found a job and was getting to do the kind of work I loved to do. I had a beautiful daughter who brightened my day every day and made me ever so proud to be her mother. I had a lovely family that stood by me like a rock throughout. I was alive, I was well and I was happier than I was when I was married. What more to ask really?

Ten Feminist Women who inspire me with their words

I am a big time internet surfer and I end up voraciously reading articles on women and by women. Also, my Pinterest feeds are full of quotes and words by many strong women. There are some women - authors, actors, celebrities - whose words really inspire me. I would list down 10 such women, feminists in their own rights, whose words inspire me:

1. Emma Watson

She is the quintessential Hermione Granger, as much in real life as in the reel life. She does not dumb herself to gain acceptability. She speaks up about self-confidence as well as body shaming; and about gender equality as well as environment sustainability. She is every bit worthy of being a UN Ambassador and is quite an inspiration for young girls as well as boys.

2. Maya Angelou

Maya Angelou is a legend. Her words are truly inspirational. She talks about fighting your demons and rising from the ashes. She tells you how to put setbacks and failures behind you and rise to success. And what is truly beautiful is that although she talks about her battles as a black woman, her words aren’t specific to any race, any gender or any age.

3. Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie

I haven’t read any of the works of Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie but I have listened to one of her TEDx Talks. She is amazing in explaining why our culture needs to be upgraded for women to be treated equal to men. She talks with her experience as a woman in an African country ridden with crimes and sexual violence against women. But her words truly transcend all demographics.

4. Oprah Winfrey

Oprah Winfrey is personification of what a woman can achieve despite all odds. Her life is a true inspiration for every woman fighting in the male domain to make a place for herself. She talks about taking life’s challenges head-on and she talks about wage equality for equal work. She is your go-to person when you need a solid dose of motivation.

5. Gloria Steinem

Gloria Steinem is one of the women whose words I had come across even before I even started to consciously think about and read about women’s issues. She is a proud feminist who talks about gender equality as well as racism. Although it is now often discussed at many forums, but she was one of the first I came across who stressed more about teaching our sons to respect women and not just teaching our daughters to consider themselves equal to boys.

6. J.K. Rowling

She is the creator of Hermione Granger, which qualifies her big time as a feminist. She tells girls to focus on being smart and educated rather than pretty and petite. She gave us many pearls of wisdom inside the Harry Potter books and she continues to shower her gems even after that. And on a side note, she knows how to take down trolls like a boss. 

7. Michelle Obama

Michelle Obama is one of the finest First Ladies the US has ever had. She personifies grace and dignity. But that is not all. She encourages young girls to dream and aspire higher. She tells them to focus on building themselves through education. She tells them to have ambition and move on to achieve their dreams with confidence. Her words are great advice for young girls across the world.

8. Sheryl Sandberg

Sheryl Sandberg does not always talk about the empowerment of women in the remote areas. She talks about how women can empower themselves in the competitive corporate world and why it’s time corporates start recognizing them at par with the men. Apparently, she also practices what she preaches in her own company, Facebook Inc.

9. Kalki Koechlin

Kalki Koechlin is one current day Indian actress who is openly and brashly feminist and she doesn’t mince words when talking about the subject. Right from appearing in videos like “It’s your fault” and “The printing machine” (in which she recited a self-composed poem), she has boldly spoken about crime against women. She even spoke about the sexual abuse she suffered as a child and encouraged other women to come out in the open and discuss what they have faced. 

10. Twinkle Khanna

Be it menstruation or the fasting on Karva Chauth, Mrs. Funnybones aka Twinkle Khanna has a funny satirical take on everything to do with women. Having emerged as one of the most followed feminist on the social media, she even turned a best-selling author when she published all her blogposts in a book. And yes, just like J.K. Rowling, she knows how to shut down her trolls.

Pics sources: Pinterest

The people are judgemental all the time!

Image Source: Google Search

People are judgemental. People are judgemental all the time. People are judgemental for no reason at all. What does being judgemental mean? As per the Oxford Dictionary, judgemental means "having or displaying an overly critical point of view." It was beautifully expressed in the movie English Vinglish. (Watch here) 

I have vast experience of having people judge me. I am a divorced woman and a single mother. I have had people who hardly know me call me out as a frustrated, unhappily divorced woman. Add to it the fact that I am by profession an Internal Auditor, whose job is to tell people what they are doing wrong, and who generally happens to be the most hated person (department) in a company; the opinionated comments become all the more free-flowing. The moment you disagree with someone at work for anything, no matter howsoever trivial; the moment you give any kind of a hard time to anybody at work; the first reaction is, “What the hell? Apni life ki frustration hum pe kyun utaar rahi hai?" People just tend to assume that you are divorced, so you are living a miserable and a traumatic life and you vent out all your misery on others. It is just so difficult for people to understand that a divorced woman can also have a happy and content life. But that is exactly how our society works. The people are judgemental all the time.

A colleague of mine is well into her late 40s and is still unmarried, definitely by choice. She has this towering persona with a loud booming voice and the confidence to never mince words. She is a strong, independent woman who hadn't learnt to be subservient. So, people just tend to assume that she is unmarried because no guy would marry a loudmouthed, over-the-top, overtly bold woman. It is so difficult for people to understand that an unmarried woman can choose not to settle for just about anyone, unless that person actually tugs at her heartstrings and matches her frequency. But that is exactly how our society works. The people are judgemental all the time.

Then there was this smart, good-looking woman in my previous company who got along very well with her boss. She had risen the ranks in the company very fast. Now, I didn't know her personally but I had seen her make a few presentations. They were really awesome and I always admired how she handled the audience questions. If anyone could see, they would realize that she knew her subject matter inside out. But nobody saw that. All they saw was a beautiful woman, friendly with her boss, who rose ranks very fast. They wouldn't mince words in dismissing her success to "some services she provided to her boss outside the office." It is so difficult for people to accept that a woman can rise professionally due to her capabilities and professionalism. But that is exactly how our society works. The people are judgemental all the time.

I know someone who became a widow at a very young age. She had always been a very soft-spoken, demure, homely woman who never raised her voice, not even in front of a very dominating mother-in-law. Her parents-in-law blamed her for their fate and a lost son. They were as mean as they could be, insulting her at the word go. They assumed she was weak and at their mercy, so they could do with her as they pleased. They all said that her life was finished - with two teenage sons to raise, she was bound to become dependent on mercies of her matrimonial family. Nobody expected her to stand on her feet after having been a home-maker all her life. But she chose not to let her sons' fate be dictated by anyone. She chose to start her own enterprise and raise her sons the way she wanted. They went on to study abroad with the funds she earned on her own, not being indebted to anything but a mother's love. It is so difficult for people to picture a woman stand on her own feet after having lived in a man's shadow for a while. But that is exactly how our society works. The people are judgemental all the time.

The sad part is not that this is exactly how our society works. The sad part is not that people are judgemental all the time. The sad part is that the society works like this only in case of women. The sad part is that people are judgemental all the time when it comes to women. The sad part is even women do not come forth and support other women. The sad part is that even women undermine and pull down other women.