A big shout out to the special needs parents!

Off late I have met a few special needs kids and have somehow read a few posts on the net about special needs kids and their parents (and I cringe to even think that writing posts about such a sensitive subject is one of the latest fads... I hope it's not!) There have been a few thoughts in my mind about that and I thought it best to put those down.

 To anyone reading this, I want to make it clear beforehand that I do not have any idea about what a special needs family goes through on a day-to-day basis. I can imagine that it's slightly difficult than what us all go through. But, I would just say that I feel the following about a special needs kid / parents and a 'typical' kid / parents:

1. I do feel that a special needs kid and a 'typical' kid is after all a kid first. (That's why I say 'typical' and not 'normal' because even a special needs kid is a normal kid.) It does not help to distinguish between the two or treat them any differently. Personally my interaction with a special needs kid is not much different than with a normal kid. I do not see the point in making them feel any different that others (not different, not special - just normal). Same goes with my interaction with their parents. They do not need any sympathy or a kind word. They love their kid just as much as we love ours and nobody sympathises with one for being a parent to a child. So, if someone thinks I was rude because I did not demonstrate enough empathy, please feel free to think that I am a heartless person. I have anyway never given two hoots for anybody's opinion about me.

2. I have been told that being a special needs parents is not easy. I feel that being a parent itself is not easy. I haven't seen a single kid that has come to this world with an instruction manual. We all learn as we embark on this journey. We deal with everyday experiences as parents. All kids - both special needs and 'typical' - go through good days and bad days, emotional turmoil, growing up pains, and everything imaginable in human existence. All parents feel angry, upset, tired, weak, cranky, irritated, exhausted at various times and it's okay. We come around anyway because we are parents and we love our kids.

3. People tell me that special needs parents learn to celebrate little milestones and achievements and everyday miracles. Trust me when I say that we all do that and special needs parents and other parents are not any different in their celebration of their kids. I cry all the time for my daughter - and I am not even the person who ever cried in any movie, novels, TV series etc. until my daughter was born. But now, I get emotional all the time. I cry all the time. My daughter's joys, her pain, her success, her failure, her insecurities, her confidence, her little accomplishments - I cry for all of them. Even the joys and sorrows of other kids like when I see reality shows in which kids are participating and those annual award giving ceremonies where I am surrounded by all proud parents - they all make me emotional. And its not any different for special needs parents. The only difference is in the thresholds of our expectations for our kids. Some have higher expectations and others have lower. But, again it is okay because it has nothing to do with whether the kid is special needs or 'typical'. Each kid is different anyway and the expectations too differ and should differ accordingly.

4. I am told that special needs parents suffer because they feel disappointed when they compare their kids with other kids. Let me be very clear on this one specially. It never helps to compare one's child to others. It's not only happening to special needs parents. It happens to almost all parents. Every parent feels disappointed about something or the other when they compare their kid to any other kid. That other kid is just as unique as your own. He / she is bound to have something that your kid doesn't just as your own kid is bound to have something unique that the other kids don't. My genuine advice is never compare your kid to any other kid. Celebrate your child's uniqueness and give them an environment to flourish without influencing them with anything that their peers do.

5. Special needs parents deal daily with grief which other parents know nothing about. This may be true to an extent. But, I want to say that it's okay too. I read somewhere that “Grieving the losses is not incompatible with celebrating the triumphs.” This is so true. And it's not like other parents don't have troubles of their own. Just like every child's gifts are unique, every parents troubles and griefs are unique too. Some parents struggle with daily routines for various reasons (lack of support, for instance) while some secretly mourn the childhood their child would not have. Then again there are others who leave their kids in the care of others so as to earn their daily breads and miss the simple childhood joys each child bestows on his / her parents. Let's not forget that life is a tightrope walk anyway and no matter what some people harp about, nobody in this world has it all. We all have our share of challenges. It's natural to have heartbreaks and sadness. We need to learn to acknowledge these feelings just as much as we acknowledge our joys and happiness. Give them time, let them settle and then move on. Who knows what's in store at the next corner on your journey of parenthood?

So, if the next time I am told that I should have been more 'sensitive' towards a special needs child and his / her parent, I will not mince my words to tell them that they are being 'insensitive' to them by treating them any differently than any of us. We talk about inclusion but inclusion is not about demonstrating empathy and politeness; inclusion is about completely ignoring the need for any empathy and politeness.

Why I talk about women's issues?

This post had been in offing for some time now. Two three incidents happened recently that were prompting me to write this down to make my stand clear.

First, a friend going through an unfortunate divorce where he is allegedly facing many a false allegations and charges asked me why I ‘always’ favour women and write about atrocities on women and not on atrocities on men and on how the women friendly laws are being used by vile and vicious women against innocent men. Second, a female friend had tagged me against a post about “Feminazis vs. Women”. Of course, I untagged myself but sportingly shared the same on my timeline, briefly putting forth my viewpoint. Then again, Friday night I shared a joke on wives with a friend on Whatsapp. I added below that the same is also applicable on husbands (simply because the joke was otherwise not gender specific). He first asked me whether I am against husbands or against men. I responded saying that I’m neither and that I am against differentiation of any kinds. Just as I was explaining myself in as light hearted conversation as possible, he asked me whether I have been drinking since it was a Friday night. I laughed it off by saying, “Haha… I don’t drink. But, that was a good one – very effective in quashing everything I just said.” Of course, he covered it up with a “I was just kidding” argument and then even complimented me on being a responsible mother, but the point was driven across very clearly. The point in all this is that I am viewed by my friends as a strong-feminist.

I don’t see anything wrong with the label, neither do I think there’s anything wrong with being a feminist in the first place. Only, I don’t see myself as a feminist – at least not the kind of feminist that is popularly perceived as a “bra-burning, man-hating” person. However, if you really go by the Bell Hooks definition of a feminist which says, “a feminist advocates or supports the rights and equality of women”; then I may proudly be categorized as one. The key word here is equality. I am more of an “equalist” (without propoganding the communist agenda and Marx’s scholastic teachings) and I AM very vocal and supportive of equality among people: male-female especially, but even generally (for example, I am also against quotas based on castes).

I would like to see a world where it makes no difference what your gender is; where men and women share equal responsibilities and get equal rights; where they both respect each other for being a human rather than for being a male income provider or a homemaker (latter should just be different roles they play). Clearly, this is not the case as of today where, in the society, men enjoy a privileged status as against women, be it for any reason: traditional orthodoxy, roles played by them in the society or the generally superior psychological complex. And mind you, I am not referring to India alone although the problem is deep rooted in India. But, how do you bring about equality? Gosh, that must be confusing for anyone to understand.

Let me illustrate further: There are two books, one is lying on the floor and other one is lying on a high table. There are three ways you can bring them at the same level: 1) Pick up the book on the table and put it on the floor; 2) Pick both books and put then on a chair (a level in between); and 3) Pick up the book on the floor and put it on the table. I choose the third. If anyone has been following my posts on Facebook, Whatsapp or my blog; for most instances, I try not to generalize against men and male gender. I do not think degrading men will help in upgrading women. I try to talk about women. I try to talk about my views on the issues faced by women. But I do not deny that all men are not on fault and there are many men in the world who respect women and consider them equally capable as themselves. Personally, I favour all the laws in place to help women counter oppression, but just like we say in our world of risk management, “No control is fool-proof”, even laws are not fool-proof and each law opens doors for their misuse against genuine and innocent men. However, having said that, it is not a reason to not put laws in place just as much as we put controls in place nevertheless. Hence, we should continue to work towards upliftment of women. We should continue to talk about and discuss the problems and issues faced by women. It is my firm belief that we can change mindsets and societal equations by persistently talking about issues and creating awareness about them. The results may not show immediately but unless we talk about and challenge the problems, no change will ever happen. I may not be able to see the kind of world of equal opportunity that I envisage in my lifetime, but I do hope that if I and other people continue to talk about these issues and problems, our kids just might be lucky to witness our dream.

And so I continue to talk about women. Because the equations in our society currently are lopsided towards men. Because we live in a society where we teach women how to avoid rape, but don't teach men self-control. Because woman are told not to let men treat them as objects, but no one teaches men that woman are not toys. Because awareness and fear of rape is just a normal part of being a woman, like breathing and eating. Because when girls go to college they're buying pepper spray while guys are buying condoms. Because some women weren't even women yet when they first began experiencing misogyny and harassment. Because a woman shouldn't have to feel any less safe walking home alone at night than a man. Because men don’t text each other that they got home safe. Because when a man says no in this culture, it's the end of the discussion while when a woman says no, it's the beginning of a negotiation. Because sexuality, entitlement & consent are part of a conversation we need to have with our daughters AND our sons. Because breastfeeding by women in public is offensive, but scratching the privates by men is acceptable. Because we still have offices and schools which have a dress code that has a full page about what girls can't wear & nothing about what boys can't wear. Because there are still over 200 Nigerian girls missing and America is negotiating since months; yet they discreetly buy freedoms for male journalists. (As for India, we don’t even count our missing girls, leave alone take action.) Because women having opinions, even when wholly grounded in logic, leads to them being called "difficult" and "emotional." Because every woman I know has something to contribute to this discussion and that just makes me so sad. Because the guys are not going to take feminism away from me and call me bossy / hostile / aggressive and make this about themselves. Because the point of this isn't to shame men, it's to empower women and yet, so many guys are still making this about them. Because I'm tired of having to contend and demonstrate that I don't hate men. How about more proof that men don't hate women?

And yes, I do believe that this doesn't make me a ‘feminist’. It makes me a ‘humanist’.

My wish for you, my child!

My wish for you is that you blossom into a strong, confident and independent person. I wish you to stand tall in this world and to learn to depend on yourself. I wish you to find your passion and have trust in yourself so that you can learn to rise after every failure and not rest until you have achieved what you want in life. I wish you to not depend on money or material things for your happiness, but to learn to appreciate the people who love you, the simple beauty that God gave you and to find peace and security within yourself. I wish you to learn to give and earn respect, and above all respect yourself so that you can hold strong to your convictions. I wish you to learn grace, integrity and humility because these are the seeds of greatness.

Relationship advice

I read the following relationship tips (originally for women) on the internet today and I feel that they are very helpful and worth keeping in mind.

P.S. Having always promoted Gender Equality, I personally believe that these tips are relevant but not gender specific which means they should apply equally for men looking for a relationship.

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RELATIONSHIP TIPS FOR WOMEN

1) If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away.
2) If he doesn't want you, nothing can make him stay.
3) Stop making excuses for a man and his behaviour.
4) Allow your intuition (or spirit) to save you from heartache.
5) Stop trying to change yourself for a relationship that's not meant to be.
6) Slower is better.
7) Never live your life for a man before you find what makes you truly happy.
8) If a relationship ends because the man was not treating you as you deserve, then heck no, you can't 'be friends.' A friend wouldn't mistreat a friend.
9) Don't settle.If you feel like he is stringing you along, then he probably is.
10) Don't stay because you think 'it will get better'. You'll be mad at yourself a year later for staying when things are not better.
11) The only person you can control in a relationship is you.
12) Avoid men who've got a bunch of children by a bunch of different women. He didn't take responsibility when he got them pregnant, why would he treat you any differently?
13) Always have your own set of friends separate from his.
14) Maintain boundaries in how a guy treats you; if something bothers you, speak up.
15) Be aware that healthy relationships are built on trust, and that trust takes time to develop. It may be unwise to share too much of yourself and about yourself too quickly. (See 6 above)
16) You cannot change anyone else's behaviour. Change comes from within.
17) Don't EVER make him feel he is more important than you are, even if he has more education or a better job. And don't ever make him feel less important than you are either.
18) Do not make him into a quasi-god; he's a man, nothing more, nothing less.
19) Never let a man define who you are.
20) A man will only treat you the way you ALLOW him to treat you.
21) All men are NOT dogs.
22) You should not be the one doing all the bending...compromise is a two-way street.
23) You need time to heal between relationships...there's nothing useful about baggage... deal with your issues before pursuing a new relationship.
24) You should never look for someone to COMPLETE you. A relationship consists of two WHOLE individuals. Look for someone complimentary, not supplementary.
25) Dating is fun, even if he doesn't turn out to be Mr. Right.
26) Allow him to miss you sometimes...if a man always know where you are all the time, and you're always readily available to him - he may take you for granted... remember that you have your own life to live which may not always include him.
27) Don't fully commit to a man who doesn't listen to you and try to meet your needs.

Lost Generation!!

The Last Time!!

A beautiful poem by Taryn McLean:

Oh the joys of being a woman!!

I may be the ‘saree’ kind or the ‘skirt’ kind
But I wear my heart on my sleeve

I may be the ‘homemaker’ type or the ‘breadwinner’ type
But I ‘labour’ through my day and night

I may be the ‘yes to all’ sort or the ‘no to all’ sort
But I end up doing everything that needs to get done

I may be the ‘Calvin Klein’ shopper or the ‘mom nd pop tomato’ shopper
But there are people I value higher than my purchases

I may be the ‘masterchef’ breed or the ‘dial-a-pizza’ breed
But I believe that good thoughts provide true nourishment

I may be the ‘fair skin’ make or the ‘wheatish complexion’ make
But my ethics are much beyond than skin-deep

Don’t judge me..don’t jacket me..
I could be a little girl each time I cry myself to pulp..
I could be a daughter each time I move away from my parents..
I could be a sister each time I provide the much needed advice..
I could be a wife each time I save the last bite of the chocolate..
I could be a mother each time I clean up the mess that someone else creates..

But you will need the woman in me..
In every smile and every mile…
In every tear and every cheer...!!

Oh the joys of being a woman!!

- Source unknown