1. I do feel that a special needs kid and a 'typical' kid is after all a kid first. (That's why I say 'typical' and not 'normal' because even a special needs kid is a normal kid.) It does not help to distinguish between the two or treat them any differently. Personally my interaction with a special needs kid is not much different than with a normal kid. I do not see the point in making them feel any different that others (not different, not special - just normal). Same goes with my interaction with their parents. They do not need any sympathy or a kind word. They love their kid just as much as we love ours and nobody sympathises with one for being a parent to a child. So, if someone thinks I was rude because I did not demonstrate enough empathy, please feel free to think that I am a heartless person. I have anyway never given two hoots for anybody's opinion about me.
2. I have been told that being a special needs parents is not easy. I feel that being a parent itself is not easy. I haven't seen a single kid that has come to this world with an instruction manual. We all learn as we embark on this journey. We deal with everyday experiences as parents. All kids - both special needs and 'typical' - go through good days and bad days, emotional turmoil, growing up pains, and everything imaginable in human existence. All parents feel angry, upset, tired, weak, cranky, irritated, exhausted at various times and it's okay. We come around anyway because we are parents and we love our kids.
3. People tell me that special needs parents learn to celebrate little milestones and achievements and everyday miracles. Trust me when I say that we all do that and special needs parents and other parents are not any different in their celebration of their kids. I cry all the time for my daughter - and I am not even the person who ever cried in any movie, novels, TV series etc. until my daughter was born. But now, I get emotional all the time. I cry all the time. My daughter's joys, her pain, her success, her failure, her insecurities, her confidence, her little accomplishments - I cry for all of them. Even the joys and sorrows of other kids like when I see reality shows in which kids are participating and those annual award giving ceremonies where I am surrounded by all proud parents - they all make me emotional. And its not any different for special needs parents. The only difference is in the thresholds of our expectations for our kids. Some have higher expectations and others have lower. But, again it is okay because it has nothing to do with whether the kid is special needs or 'typical'. Each kid is different anyway and the expectations too differ and should differ accordingly.
4. I am told that special needs parents suffer because they feel disappointed when they compare their kids with other kids. Let me be very clear on this one specially. It never helps to compare one's child to others. It's not only happening to special needs parents. It happens to almost all parents. Every parent feels disappointed about something or the other when they compare their kid to any other kid. That other kid is just as unique as your own. He / she is bound to have something that your kid doesn't just as your own kid is bound to have something unique that the other kids don't. My genuine advice is never compare your kid to any other kid. Celebrate your child's uniqueness and give them an environment to flourish without influencing them with anything that their peers do.
5. Special needs parents deal daily with grief which other parents know nothing about. This may be true to an extent. But, I want to say that it's okay too. I read somewhere that “Grieving the losses is not incompatible with celebrating the triumphs.” This is so true. And it's not like other parents don't have troubles of their own. Just like every child's gifts are unique, every parents troubles and griefs are unique too. Some parents struggle with daily routines for various reasons (lack of support, for instance) while some secretly mourn the childhood their child would not have. Then again there are others who leave their kids in the care of others so as to earn their daily breads and miss the simple childhood joys each child bestows on his / her parents. Let's not forget that life is a tightrope walk anyway and no matter what some people harp about, nobody in this world has it all. We all have our share of challenges. It's natural to have heartbreaks and sadness. We need to learn to acknowledge these feelings just as much as we acknowledge our joys and happiness. Give them time, let them settle and then move on. Who knows what's in store at the next corner on your journey of parenthood?
I was today having a discussion with a parent of a special needs child who had read my article. During our conversation - and I referred back to what I had written above - I realized that my article above can at best be described as insensitive.
ReplyDeleteThat was definitely not my intention here when I said that I - and in my opinion everybody should - treat a special needs child no different than a typical child. All I wanted to put here was a personal opinion that we can make those children and their parents feel more inclusive and accepted by treating them at par with all other children.
My school had a special class and I have worked and spent time with special children who were my age but not coping up as well as me or were much elder to me but were only able to manage as much as I did. And I felt that if I treated them as equal to me; not extending a helping hand for everything and rather letting them do things on their own even if it was a bit of a struggle, it not only made them happier but helped them overall. This was my personal opinion and had always been my approach towards special needs children. When I meet a special kid or his/her parent, I purposefully do not treat them any different from any normal child. I do not say, "Oh I'm sorry!" or any such thing which would essentially highlight that their kid is any less than all other kids. They are special but they are just as valued as all other children.
I am a single parent of a child who had hardly met her father and does not really know anything about him except his name. I sometimes see her struggle with the fact that she doesn't have a father like all other kids and even at times has mentioned (read cried) that she wants to have one. But I have also noticed that as long as she continues to do normal stuff like school, after school activities, going out, movies, vacations etc.; and isn't continuously reminded of a family structure different than all normal kids, she is as good as all of them.
I agree, this is not a good analogy for bringing up a special needs child. But, the basic idea is to make all kids in different circumstances feel 'normal'. Not reminding them and their near and dear ones of them being any different or any less fortunate than others.