Feminism and shaming!

I am part of a few groups on Facebook and I read a post this morning in one of these groups. The post was supposed to be feminist in nature - only it wasn't. The lady concerned talked about a guy who fat shamed a woman and in return she herself left no stone unturned in doing the same and much more to the guy, going far ahead and even commenting on the guy's strained marital relationship. I was offended to the core.

I myself am a divorced woman and I have never hidden the fact. The thing is that people do not opt for divorce simply on whims and fancies. And almost 100% of time they do not opt for divorce because of the changes in their partner's physical attributes. It's a long-thought decision which is never a winning or a losing game. It is always a lose-lose situation for both. And if you are aware about Indian laws, you would know that getting a divorce in India is not easy. It takes years of litigation, administrative harassment and mental trauma to go through one. So, definitely not a decision one would take just for the heck of it. If two married people part ways, they always have their concrete reasons and no one can judge or even has the right to judge whether their reasons are right or wrong. Not one person has any inkling of what they have gone through together and what kind of relationship and emotional bonding exist or do not exist between them.

Now, coming to the other aspect in the post - fat shaming. I am at least 20 kgs overweight. I even have medical issues which are related to weight. And even though I am aware I should do something about it, I am not doing anything. Do you think I am not aware of all this? Of course, I am. How ones body fares is best know to the person themselves. What use is it telling it on their face or behind their backs? We have young generation who has conceived a very wrong idea of how their bodies should be; resulting in anorexia, eating disorders and what not. I and my family are very careful about what we tell my daughter about her eating habits and body shape. In my home, it is an unsaid rule to never call my daughter fat. We discuss healthy and unhealthy and never fat and thin.

L: Greek Goddess Aphrodite; R: Statue in Ajanta-Ellora Caves
(Source: Google search)

Just yesterday, me and my friends were talking about postnatal depression. Very often it is related to the changes in the body following childbirth. Women lose their confidence looking at the sudden weight gain, stretch marks, and bulges. This is not something that comes just on its own. I am no psychologist, but personally, I feel it has a lot to do with the body image and expectations that the society has created for women. And this should change. The entire mindset about how women's body only look good if they are slim and have a flat abdomen should be thwarted. Please go and check the ancient scriptures. Aphrodite, the Greek Goddess of love and beauty had enough bulges on her body and was considered the most beautiful woman in the universe. None of the figures in Ajanta and Ellora are stick thin. They are all curvaceous and gorgeous.

I recently read somewhere that "You shouldn't point out things about people's appearances if they can't fix it in ten seconds." I think it is a wonderful mantra to remember, follow and teach our kids too.

Choked!

The Supreme Court had recently banned the sale of fire crackers this Diwali and many people had hailed it as an attack on the Hindu religion. Now that we have actually landed where we did not want to land, I would like to ask these learned friends of mine whether Hindus are able to breathe better than Muslims today or vice versa?

Delhi and Gurgaon are choked right now. Pollution is killing us, our family and our children. We are literally breathing in smoke but all our government can do is close school or change the school timings. For how long? And is the air in our homes any better? My heart especially goes out to people whose jobs keep them out of doors like policemen, security guards, gardeners, field executives, etc.

Again, burning paddy chaff is banned by the Supreme Court and again no one is following the order, much like Diwali crackers. Moreover, when it comes to farmers, the government turns a blind eye not willing to irk their vote bank. Someone told me that there are limited alternatives for the farmers and those that are, are really costly and beyond their purchasing power. Maybe he is right, but they are costly and unaffordable for the farmers but not for the country and the government; especially when millions of people are choking to a slow death. 

Let's face it, we are in a state of emergency. We really need extreme measures, both to tackle the problem right now facing us as well as a sustainable solution. My daughter and her class mates are doing a project around how to make Gurgaon a sustainable city. They have listed down some solutions and they will be handing it over to the concerned authorities. But is there even a willingness to implement these? What about us civilians? Do we understand our responsibilities? I see people cribbing about the air quality but I don't see people opting for car pools, shutting down air conditioners, planting trees, etc. To add on to it, everyone is now buying air purifiers which again run on electricity and essentially mean more carbon imprint. 

This is the image of NH8 (Delhi - Jaipur Expressway) on Wednesday at about 7 pm. You are supposed to be able to see a bright moon there, just slowly receding into a crescent shape; only if we would be able to see. The visibility is at a minimum, only a few meters. There is supposed to be a sign board here right in front of me. I can barely see the street lights. Thankfully, the marking on the sides signifying the corner of the road are visible although nothing beyond that is. This actually looks like a road to hell. Are we heading into our doom?

© Photo Nishtha Khurana, 2017. All Rights Reserved.

How my divorce made me a better person after all!

The day before, I was sitting with someone and we were discussing what it means to be a single mom. One of the things we talked about was how my divorce had changed me. That’s when I reflected that my divorce has actually made me a better person.

Source: Google search

Just like getting married, getting divorced is a life changing event, especially if you have children. When you enter into a marriage, you are filled with hopes of a new life full of love. And when it falls apart, you can’t help feeling a little lost and depressed. It is not just the end of the marriage but the end of who you were in that marriage, and who you had hoped you would grow to be. No one comes out of this unchanged. I am no exception. I am no longer the person I used to be in another life when I was married. Here’s how I have changed for the better:

It has made me more resilient and stronger

I must admit that thanks to the wonderful upbringing I got from my parents, I have never felt as the ‘weaker sex’. I always believed I could achieve anything I set my heart to. But, I have otherwise had a very protected childhood. Right until my college admissions, my dad accompanied me to college and helped me with everything. After college when I started doing my CA articleship, he would drive me down to every client before the start of every audit to make sure I was familiar with the place and the way. Every coaching class which ended after or any working day which extended beyond 8.00 pm, my dad was there outside the building waiting to pick me up. He was always my back and it was because I could fall back on him, that I left everything behind and came back. But then he passed away a year after my separation just when my divorce proceedings were about to start. I was suddenly on my own; dealing with policemen, lawyers, courts, CAW cell authorities and what not. Did I ever wonder whether I would be able to sail through? Yes. Did I ever wonder that I should just let go and accede to their stupid demands? Yes. Did I ever wonder whether I should just continue to live in status quo? Yes again. But all these wonderings only lasted a short while. Eventually, I would be back ready to fight whatever challenges lay ahead. My dad often used to say to me, “Zindagi mein kabhi kisi cheez se ghabrana nahin hai. Woh kehte hain naa, ‘When the going gets tough, the tough get going’.” Those words sailed me through everything and I emerged eventually as a much stronger person than I thought I could be.

It has made me independent and self-reliant

My divorce has made me more independent than ever - in every sense of the word - financially, emotionally, and socially. I am now far more equipped to be on my own than I ever was before. While I was going through the process of divorce, somewhere down the line I realized that at the end of the day, I am on my own. I made mistakes but I learnt from them. I suffered losses but recovered as fast as I could. There was this force inside me which wanted me to go through the process on my own, without relying on every word of the professionals like lawyers, policemen, etc. I used to discuss with them, argue with them and eventually gathered every information I could use. This is the approach I adopted for my other dealings too.

It has made me appreciate the good people in my life

We often take those who love us for granted. But, seeing how my loved ones - friends and family - often went out of their way to be there for me, to offer me unrelenting support and love, has given me a new found appreciation, respect and love for them. For every person who bails on you or ill-treats you; there are five who stand by you. It is simply a matter of learning to recognize them. My mom was an unrelenting support not just morally but who did everything so as to enable me to get back on my feet. She looks after my daughter while I am away working for more than the normal work shifts. She is there when I travel on business. And the best part was that she was an equal partner in every endeavor we had to undertake to settle down after the double loss of my dad’s demise and the break-down of my marriage. If I stood tall, it was because she never buckled down under pressure. And there was my cousin who stood by my side on every hearing, on every visit to the police station or the mediation center. My divorce taught me to recognize the people who stood by me, and has made me a person who would not hesitate to do the same for them.

It has helped me regain my confidence

I have always been a confident person thanks to my schooling and my upbringing. But somewhere along the way after I had gotten married and had to leave my career, my ex-husband and his family meticulously worked to kill my confidence and mould me into a submissive, compromising person. My confidence was at an all-time low when I came back to my parents’ house post my separation. I would sit quiet all day long and keep thinking of what had happened to my life. That’s when my parents intervened. Within a week, I was on a job hunt on my parents’ insistence. It wasn’t easy. I had been on a break for over 4 years. I had lost touch with all laws, governances, rules and notifications which were so important in my profession. I was even scared of facing interviewers and would walk in with a smile all pepped up by my parents but would end up dispirited just after one trick question that I couldn’t handle. Nevertheless, I managed to start from a scratch at the base position in a medium size CA firm, eventually growing step-by-step over the years. It taught me the value of my education because the only thing that got me back on my professional track was my illustrious academic background.

It has taught me to be grateful

Like I said, I had been on a 4 years break post my marriage because I was forced to give up my career post marriage. When I came back and started finding a foothold back in the professional sphere, I could see all my peers surging way ahead of me. A very important lesson that I learnt was not to compare my career progression with theirs. I realized that I would never be ever satisfied with what I have, in career as well as in life in general, if I keep comparing what I had with what my peers had. I learnt to be thankful and grateful for what I had rather than crib about what I didn’t have. I found a job and was getting to do the kind of work I loved to do. I had a beautiful daughter who brightened my day every day and made me ever so proud to be her mother. I had a lovely family that stood by me like a rock throughout. I was alive, I was well and I was happier than I was when I was married. What more to ask really?

Ten Feminist Women who inspire me with their words

I am a big time internet surfer and I end up voraciously reading articles on women and by women. Also, my Pinterest feeds are full of quotes and words by many strong women. There are some women - authors, actors, celebrities - whose words really inspire me. I would list down 10 such women, feminists in their own rights, whose words inspire me:

1. Emma Watson

She is the quintessential Hermione Granger, as much in real life as in the reel life. She does not dumb herself to gain acceptability. She speaks up about self-confidence as well as body shaming; and about gender equality as well as environment sustainability. She is every bit worthy of being a UN Ambassador and is quite an inspiration for young girls as well as boys.

2. Maya Angelou

Maya Angelou is a legend. Her words are truly inspirational. She talks about fighting your demons and rising from the ashes. She tells you how to put setbacks and failures behind you and rise to success. And what is truly beautiful is that although she talks about her battles as a black woman, her words aren’t specific to any race, any gender or any age.

3. Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie

I haven’t read any of the works of Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie but I have listened to one of her TEDx Talks. She is amazing in explaining why our culture needs to be upgraded for women to be treated equal to men. She talks with her experience as a woman in an African country ridden with crimes and sexual violence against women. But her words truly transcend all demographics.

4. Oprah Winfrey

Oprah Winfrey is personification of what a woman can achieve despite all odds. Her life is a true inspiration for every woman fighting in the male domain to make a place for herself. She talks about taking life’s challenges head-on and she talks about wage equality for equal work. She is your go-to person when you need a solid dose of motivation.

5. Gloria Steinem

Gloria Steinem is one of the women whose words I had come across even before I even started to consciously think about and read about women’s issues. She is a proud feminist who talks about gender equality as well as racism. Although it is now often discussed at many forums, but she was one of the first I came across who stressed more about teaching our sons to respect women and not just teaching our daughters to consider themselves equal to boys.

6. J.K. Rowling

She is the creator of Hermione Granger, which qualifies her big time as a feminist. She tells girls to focus on being smart and educated rather than pretty and petite. She gave us many pearls of wisdom inside the Harry Potter books and she continues to shower her gems even after that. And on a side note, she knows how to take down trolls like a boss. 

7. Michelle Obama

Michelle Obama is one of the finest First Ladies the US has ever had. She personifies grace and dignity. But that is not all. She encourages young girls to dream and aspire higher. She tells them to focus on building themselves through education. She tells them to have ambition and move on to achieve their dreams with confidence. Her words are great advice for young girls across the world.

8. Sheryl Sandberg

Sheryl Sandberg does not always talk about the empowerment of women in the remote areas. She talks about how women can empower themselves in the competitive corporate world and why it’s time corporates start recognizing them at par with the men. Apparently, she also practices what she preaches in her own company, Facebook Inc.

9. Kalki Koechlin

Kalki Koechlin is one current day Indian actress who is openly and brashly feminist and she doesn’t mince words when talking about the subject. Right from appearing in videos like “It’s your fault” and “The printing machine” (in which she recited a self-composed poem), she has boldly spoken about crime against women. She even spoke about the sexual abuse she suffered as a child and encouraged other women to come out in the open and discuss what they have faced. 

10. Twinkle Khanna

Be it menstruation or the fasting on Karva Chauth, Mrs. Funnybones aka Twinkle Khanna has a funny satirical take on everything to do with women. Having emerged as one of the most followed feminist on the social media, she even turned a best-selling author when she published all her blogposts in a book. And yes, just like J.K. Rowling, she knows how to shut down her trolls.

Pics sources: Pinterest

The people are judgemental all the time!

Image Source: Google Search

People are judgemental. People are judgemental all the time. People are judgemental for no reason at all. What does being judgemental mean? As per the Oxford Dictionary, judgemental means "having or displaying an overly critical point of view." It was beautifully expressed in the movie English Vinglish. (Watch here) 

I have vast experience of having people judge me. I am a divorced woman and a single mother. I have had people who hardly know me call me out as a frustrated, unhappily divorced woman. Add to it the fact that I am by profession an Internal Auditor, whose job is to tell people what they are doing wrong, and who generally happens to be the most hated person (department) in a company; the opinionated comments become all the more free-flowing. The moment you disagree with someone at work for anything, no matter howsoever trivial; the moment you give any kind of a hard time to anybody at work; the first reaction is, “What the hell? Apni life ki frustration hum pe kyun utaar rahi hai?" People just tend to assume that you are divorced, so you are living a miserable and a traumatic life and you vent out all your misery on others. It is just so difficult for people to understand that a divorced woman can also have a happy and content life. But that is exactly how our society works. The people are judgemental all the time.

A colleague of mine is well into her late 40s and is still unmarried, definitely by choice. She has this towering persona with a loud booming voice and the confidence to never mince words. She is a strong, independent woman who hadn't learnt to be subservient. So, people just tend to assume that she is unmarried because no guy would marry a loudmouthed, over-the-top, overtly bold woman. It is so difficult for people to understand that an unmarried woman can choose not to settle for just about anyone, unless that person actually tugs at her heartstrings and matches her frequency. But that is exactly how our society works. The people are judgemental all the time.

Then there was this smart, good-looking woman in my previous company who got along very well with her boss. She had risen the ranks in the company very fast. Now, I didn't know her personally but I had seen her make a few presentations. They were really awesome and I always admired how she handled the audience questions. If anyone could see, they would realize that she knew her subject matter inside out. But nobody saw that. All they saw was a beautiful woman, friendly with her boss, who rose ranks very fast. They wouldn't mince words in dismissing her success to "some services she provided to her boss outside the office." It is so difficult for people to accept that a woman can rise professionally due to her capabilities and professionalism. But that is exactly how our society works. The people are judgemental all the time.

I know someone who became a widow at a very young age. She had always been a very soft-spoken, demure, homely woman who never raised her voice, not even in front of a very dominating mother-in-law. Her parents-in-law blamed her for their fate and a lost son. They were as mean as they could be, insulting her at the word go. They assumed she was weak and at their mercy, so they could do with her as they pleased. They all said that her life was finished - with two teenage sons to raise, she was bound to become dependent on mercies of her matrimonial family. Nobody expected her to stand on her feet after having been a home-maker all her life. But she chose not to let her sons' fate be dictated by anyone. She chose to start her own enterprise and raise her sons the way she wanted. They went on to study abroad with the funds she earned on her own, not being indebted to anything but a mother's love. It is so difficult for people to picture a woman stand on her own feet after having lived in a man's shadow for a while. But that is exactly how our society works. The people are judgemental all the time.

The sad part is not that this is exactly how our society works. The sad part is not that people are judgemental all the time. The sad part is that the society works like this only in case of women. The sad part is that people are judgemental all the time when it comes to women. The sad part is even women do not come forth and support other women. The sad part is that even women undermine and pull down other women.

Single Moms: Some by choice and some perforce

I am a single mom. I have been so for 9 years now. And to be honest, it was really by choice because I decided that I was done with all the lies and arguments and mental torture. My daughter was a year and a half old when I walked out of my marriage and I have not repented my decision for a single moment since then. But was it an easy decision? No, it was not. I thought about my daughter's future. I even tried to patch up and went to a marriage counselor, just trying to find a way so that I could make my marriage work - just for the sake of my daughter. But it wasn't working out and I realized that my (now ex-) husband wasn't really a trustworthy person. Then, my marriage counselor said something to me which made me confident enough to take the final plunge. She told me, "Everyone advises you that you should reconcile with your husband for the sake of your child. But, you need to decide what is good for her. What do you think is better for her? Having both parents who don't trust each other or having one parent but who is happy and content in life? A home where people are always arguing or one which is peaceful and full of love?" That's when I decided to let go the useless efforts of reconciliation. I eventually filed for a divorce and after a long nasty fight lasting five years (because my ex-husband was not willing to pay child maintenance), I finally got a divorce.

One would wonder why I have described the above. Because I want to clear out the questions related to whether I thought about my daughter's future OR the questions related to whether I am happy to be divorced? Yes, I thought about my daughter's future A LOT and yes, I am happier than I was ever when I was married. I also want to highlight that I have really struggled and worked hard to attain my single status and I will not have it any other way now.

So, the point is that I am a single mom by choice. I have often talked about the kind of reactions I get when I tell about my status to anyone (you can read about that here and here). But, I also get some very good reactions, especially when it concerns my child. Some people are genuinely nice and they say some very warm and touching things. What I do get to hear a lot is, "You are doing a great job of being both a mom and a dad, balancing so many things alone. Hats off to you." I am always very touched and sometimes lost for words. I am really thankful for all such lovely words I have got time and again from people, but the truth is that I am not doing all that alone. I am not 100% involved with my daughter alone and she also has my mother who is there for her.

Image source: Google search

My mom is my biggest support system. She (and even my dad) have always been there for me. And if I had the confidence to take the decision of getting out of a miserable marriage, it was because they had my back. My mom looks after my daughter. It is because of her that I have a super life. I have a job that I love and where I spend close to 10-12 hours of my own free will; I have friends with whom I keep in touch (more virtually than in person though) and even though I may not have a super social always-out-in-the-evening-with-people kind of life, but I still have the kind of life where I can choose to travel, go out and do anything if I want to. I am super thankful to my mom for all that. And if I get complimented for being a great parent, I do realize that I am still just one of the parents, the other half role is played by my mom for me.

Coming back to the question of being a single mom. I also want to highlight that I have seen many single moms around me, quite a few of them living blissfully with their husbands in happy marriages. Happy Marriages? Why would I call them single moms then? Because their husbands hardly play any role in bringing up the kids. I have male friends who very proudly boast that they leave home in the morning and often times when they reach home, their kids are already asleep. I have male colleagues who never even are aware of their kids' progress in school, their tutions, their extra-curriculars, PTMs, or even their hobbies; everything being already superbly handled by their very nice wives (who often also take care of all their husbands needs and like the typical dutiful filmy wives, take out clothes for them every morning, pack their lunch boxes, serve hot dinner when their husbands come back home from work, etc.). And I have awesome female friends who are intelligent, well-educated and have given up their careers to be a full time mom because someone has to be there for the children. Or they take up such jobs as the ones which allow them to be back home by the time their kids are home (part-time jobs, just helping in family run businesses, school teacher jobs, etc.). I often wonder whether they are also not single moms? And they are single moms perforce. And to be fair to them, they don't even get appreciated for their 'mommy skills' the way some of the single moms like me get appreciated. Let's give a shout out to such wonderful moms who are doing a great job, maybe even better than me or others like me.

Some years back, I had had a chance to attend a meet-and-greet session with Kiran Bedi. Now, no one can deny that Kiran Bedi is a role model for many ladies because of all her wonderful achievements, especially during her stint in the police force. But, it also cannot be denied that to accomplish what she has accomplished, she did have to stay away from her family and daughter even at times when the child might have needed her. I had asked Ms. Bedi the exact question as to how she balanced her job and role as a mother especially during those critical formative years of her daughter's development. She told me that she had (much like me) her mother as her support system and her daughter was almost single-handedly brought up by her mother. Then, she gave an advice to all the women out there. She told them that we women need to have a support system to bring up our kids, without which it is not possible. This support system could be our families, our husbands, or parents, or parents-in-law; and if not, some external support system that we can trust, like some day-care, or a maid, or baby-sitters. She stressed that women should never be afraid to ask for help if they need it. It's for their own and their children's sake. And last but not the least, women should over-come the guilt of not doing everything for their children themselves. It is impossible to be always hands on with that. Moreover, it is more important to be happy and content with your own life because if you are happy and content in your life, you will automatically bring up happy and cheerful children even when you are not around them 100% of the time. Actually I have never forgotten that. This one single advice from Ms. Bedi has immensely helped me in my life, not just in overcoming the guilt of reaching out to my mother whenever I need her help, but also in deeply appreciating everything she does for me.

Men nowadays... Contemporary, educated, modern and still unknowingly chauvinistic!

Just yesterday I was reading this article about why women in India are falling in love with the character of Amarendra Bahubali from the movie ‘Bahubali 2: The Conclusion’. “The prime reason, one gathers from observing women-only social media groups silently, is that Amarendra Baahubali stands up for his wife,” the article says. “Really. Not his ability to uproot trees or ride bulls with flaming horns. Just his ability to say, ‘Amma, you’re wrong.’” The article further concludes, “Considering ‘Baahubali’ falls into the genre of an epic (where mummy sentiment thrives), this contemporary rendering of Amarendra Baahubali’s character is surprising and refreshing. Yes, it’s kind of sad that our expectations from men in cinema are so low but while acknowledging this, let’s not forget that in terms of cinematic depiction, this is quite an original departure to make.”

I haven’t seen the movie yet, but now I do want to see it. It is said that our movies are a reflection of our society. The premise is simple. Why would someone make a movie that the society doesn’t want to see? Clearly, no one wants to end up in a loss. So, they make movies that reflect the popular sentiment. Does that mean that the sudden surge of women centric movies show that the society is giving focus to women? Maybe, yes. At least the society is talking about it. The women have started speaking up for themselves. They have started exploring all avenues and are being depicted so in the movies. That definitely is a good thing.

But what about the men? How are real men in the Indian society nowadays being depicted in the movies? When I look at some examples of them in the movies I have actually seen (despite my obsession with Bollywood during my teenage, I now watch very few movies and almost no television at all); my analysis says that even the depiction of men in the movies nowadays are quite realistic. I am not talking about the biographical movies like ‘Dangal’ and ‘Neerja’ where the fathers are encouraging their daughters to carve their places in the world. They can at best be described as exceptions; that is why they have been written about. But even fictional characters in the movies nowadays are very close to reality.

Some men in India are still like Rajvir Singh in ‘Pink’. Modern educated males with roots deep in the orthodox male dominant societies, who are okay to befriend independent and confident women but can never accord them the respect that the women deserve. Some men are also like Vijay in ‘Queen’. Vijay is more real. He is acutely chauvinistic, but definitely less so than Rajvir. He considers himself above Rani in their relationship and he commands the shots – whether Rani should take up the Accounting work or not, whether she should learn to drive or not, whether she should be spending time with other guys or not, etc. He is the one who breaks-up with her and that too in a very realistic depiction where he doesn’t fall for a ‘gori mem’ or some other modern girl while living abroad, due to which he may be ‘tempted’ to leave the coy homely girl; instead he simply develops cold feet. Also, he is the one who single-handedly decides that they should get back together. And eventually when he is dumped, it comes as an unbelievable shock to him.

And then there are men in the society who coined the “Not All Men” claim. They declare that they love their wives and would never suppress them or demean and disrespect them. And yet they unknowingly are still part of the society where women are considered second only to men. A case in point depiction is Satish in ‘English Vinglish’. In the film, his wife Shashi, a homemaker, runs a small laddoo business. Satish is a charming man. He is educated. He is romantic. He doesn’t hit her. He doesn’t shout at her. He doesn't even stop her from doing anything (including her laddoo business) or going anywhere. In short, he doesn’t do anything – and anything at all – that can make us classify him as a chauvinist or a sexist. He doesn’t do anything at all that may even make us call him an otherwise bad person. In fact, in any real-life scenario, he may be considered a perfect husband, son-in-law, brother-in-law. And yet we do not root for him. Why? Because Satish may not fit into the stereotype of an abuser but he still manages to make Shashi feel unworthy. He cracks jokes on Shashi’s inability to communicate in English. His jokes and jibes are so frequent that even their kids, especially their teenage daughter, starts feeling embarrassed by her own mother. Is that not a form of emotional abuse that stifles a person’s self-esteem? Maybe it is or maybe not. That is for psychologists to evaluate. But one thing is sure, there is no dearth of such men. The perfect husbands whose wives flump down with low self-esteem thanks to their husband’s inflated male egos that never let them be independent.

Another example, a little more obvious due to a scene calling him out as a chauvinist, is Manav in ‘Dil Dhadakne Do’. He is educated, sophisticated and very sauve. For the Mehra family, Manav is the ideal son-in-law with a decent personality, good financial position, respectable family background. And yet their daughter struggles in her matrimonial home for lack of respect and the ability to maintain an opinion. He is the male in the family, so he decides what and how. And then after that is his mother, the matriarch who is allowed to have a say. Aisha? Well, she is a woman and a daughter-in-law, why would she talk over dinner resulting in the other two being ignored? Of course, she needs her husband’s permission to work. And oh, how can she say no if her husband is in the mood to have sex? Isn’t she responsible if she forgets all this and he gets upset? What is wrong with Manav? Actually, there is nothing wrong with him. Only he has been born and brought up in an insanely male dominant society where unconsciously such disparity between the genders has been inculcated in him. This is thanks to the generations around him, including women like his mother, who have always considered men first and women second. Even Aisha’s own mother thinks that she should focus on her home, marriage, relationship and family instead of her career. But, like most men who say “Not All Men”, Manav too considers himself as a very adjusting and liberal husband, totally unlike the men who suppress and harass their wives. Aisha should consider herself blessed to have such an understanding husband who allows her to fulfill her wishes. And yes, he claims so with élan as if he is doing her a favour.

So yes! Cinema does reflect the society. And these are the real men in the urban society today… Contemporary, educated, modern and still unknowingly chauvinistic.

Raising our sons in the age of Feminism!

We talk about women empowerment but we only address one half of the equation. When we teach our daughters to conquer the world, why don’t we teach our sons that it is okay to be a stay-at-home father, to cook or to express emotions?

For at least a generation now – especially in urban India and educated middle-class families – we have raised our girls to be confident and fight for their rights. But we seem to have ignored an entire generation of boys who were not told anything about how their sisters were changing. While we gave our daughters new ideals and role models, no one bothered to tell their brothers that they ought to change too!

Girls drive two-wheelers and cars. It is considered an essential life skill. You can often hear dads proudly proclaiming that their daughters can drive very well indeed and they don’t need a father/husband/brother to take them anywhere.

Source: Google Image Search

However, boys were never taught that cooking is an essential life skill. You don’t see parents proudly saying that their son can cook and doesn’t need a mother/wife/sister to feed him (and keep him alive!).

We don’t tell our sons that it is okay for them to be paid less than their wives or stay at home to take care of the kids while their spouses continue to work.

Men want to marry a working woman (in theory) but are completely unprepared for the practical reality of a marriage where both partners work. It means doing the dishes or supervising the maid when your wife has a report to complete, it means taking half the day off to take care of your sick son because your wife has an important presentation. It may even mean giving up a promotion or moving to a new city for your spouse’s career.

Because we don’t tell our sons all this, they continue to expect that their wife will automatically give up the job/promotion/transfer in favour of the family whereas they will never have to take a step back from their own careers.

Boys are still raised the way they were for the last many generations.

Women are upset that dinner – and the house, kids, in-laws, maid – is still their responsibility while the men don’t know what they did wrong. After all, they ‘allow’ their wives to work, what more do they want?

Let us not only empower women, but also prepare men to set their expectations right.

Source: Received on WhatsApp as a forwarded message but it, word-to-word, resonates with me and confirms to my belief about how we should be bringing up our kids. I probably could not have framed this better.

Stereotyping on one hand and outrageously outspoken on the other

Yesterday was International Women's day and there were just as many posts about women still being unsafe and stereotyped as there were wishes and stories about courageous women. To be honest, I am not a very big fan of this day... And not because this day has become as much a marketing gimmick as Valentine's Day or Mother's Day, but because most people, especially women expect to be pampered with gifts and being made to feel extra-special with chocolates and flowers. However, my opinion about this day is slightly different. In my opinion, we should be talking about gender equality on this day and not superiority of females over males. We should not propogate "role reversals", rather "partnerships". If one day we believe we have achieved this balance in humanity and we do not need to celebrate this day any more, believe me all women like me would be very happy to forgo all the pampering, flowers and chocolates. 

Source: Google Image Search

However, my post today is not about how and why this day should be celebrated. Actually, since last few days, my mind has been occupied with a very different yet serious thought. It is about how we women ourselves are harming our fight for equality either by stereotyping ourselves and our own gender (and thereby being part of the patriarchy), or by absolute reverse and being brazenly and outrageously outspoken to the extent of being offensive ourselves (by being pseudo-liberal feminazi). Two very different incidents come to my mind.

One of these years, as a women's day feature, my company's HR's CSR wing wanted to add my interview to our monthly newsletter. And after asking some generic questions, they switched to questions like how do I balance work and family. I refused to answer the question and instead I counter-questioned whether they ask the same questions to my male colleagues. They obviously didn't so I told them that I will answer all such questions when they start asking my male colleagues the same questions. Family and kids is not just a woman's responsibility. But what was hurting was that the interview questions had been drafted by a woman. Needless to say, I didn't make it to the newsletter. After all, isn't it what the normal people at the ground level want to hear from the senior management? Another colleague of mine made the cut as the "ideal inspirational woman" as she talked about how she devotes her weekends to her family and also manages to spend "quality time" with her son after office. She bragged about cooking her son's favourite dinner despite having a househelp and how she had never missed a single PTM or a sports tournament of her son. In short, she gave them exactly the masala they were looking for. Doesn't this sound familiar? Isn't it what is expected from every Indian working woman? But wait, she wasn't even Indian. She was a European expat. So, doesn't that mean that the expectations from women are the same everywhere? In fact, we see it everywhere... Indra Nooyi, Marissa Mayer, Sheryl Sandberg... Any woman leader, any women's forum... They all at some point or the other end up answering the same cliched questions. And it's disappointing to the core.

And then when you question such stereotypes, you are termed as a rebel or a feminist. In fact, not just a feminist, but as a feminazi, which is a newly coined term for male-bashing bra burning female fraternity. And that's where the problem lies. Some of us, take it too far. Feminism is not about hatred for the male gender. It is about the philosophy that the female gender is equal to the male gender. But, there being a women's brigade, who like to prove themselves "liberated", start with male bashing and the fight for equality takes a back seat. That brings me to the second incident which has been occupying my mind.

On my offsite recently, at night after wrapping up the day's work, there was some entertainment organized for the people. There was a DJ or a Live Band and there was an open bar. Now those accustomed to the modern corporate culture will know that it was no big deal; just as they will also know how people just fill themselves up with alcohol when the free flowing booze is on the house. So, there were all these people including girls who were drinking. And the conversation was actually disturbing. Before I even tell what happened, I want to make a clarification. Please don't get me wrong, I am not judging and will never judge women for drinking. But I also believe that people - both men and women - are responsible for how they behave whether they are drunk or not.  

So, this is what happened. After the live band ended and a round of singing without music also came to an end, everyone just got into the mode of reading shayaris. Whatsapp messages with shayaris were opened and even Gulzar's Shayari on Twitter came to the fore. There was, however, this one guy who was interjecting everything anyone was reading so much so that it became irritating. And although everyone was feeling annoyed, these two ladies, Sonia* and Gunjan* decided to take matters in their own hands and shut him up. So, Sonia says loud enough to resonate in the huge hotel Ball room, "Tu abhi ke abhi chup ho jaa nahin to main yahin tera Rape kar doongi. (You shut up just now or I will Rape you right here.)" I cringed but everyone else laughed. He still did not stop and then Gunjan stepped up and said, "Sonia, aaj isne tere se Rape karvana hi hai. (Sonia, he will make you Rape him today for sure.)" And again everyone is laughing. He still didn't stop. Then Sonia takes the matter in her hand again and says, "Aaj toh iska Gangrape hoga. Jab char jane ispe tootenge tab isko pata chalega. (Today he will be Gangraped. When four people will pounce on him, then he will realize.)" Moreover, she started taking names of the guys, "Gautam* tu sabse aage rahiyo and Amit* tu bhi isko mat chhodiyo. (Gautam, you stay at the forefront and Amit, you also don't spare him.)" And all this while, the entire audience was laughing out loud and making fun of this guy who was being trolled. It was like I was the only person who felt it was disgusting. And one of the two ladies who were joking like this, Gunjan, happens to be the chairperson of the 'Prevention against sexual harassment committee' in our company. I was shocked at how easily something as grave as Rape was trivialized by educated people, including women. I thought about voicing my opinion but I realized there was no point, everyone was drunk and in the end alcohol would be blamed. Now, I regret not speaking up then as it continues to disturb me even after a week. 

My own attitude of remaining silent - and I am not proud of it - highlighted another important aspect. We, women, have gotten used to being subdued both against patriarchy as well as feminazi. We women have gotten used to everything we are subjected to and accept it. So, as Holi is round the corner, a friend brought to my notice how women's only Whatsapp groups are circulating "jokes" about buying bras with thorns to escape groping on Holi. The irony is that the group members are finding it funny. And here I am having a conversation with my 10-year old daughter reminding her of 'Good-touch-bad-touch' as she preps up for playing Holi with her friends in the Society Park. And it's just plain sad.

* names changed.

Notes: 

1. I have previously written about my opinion on International Women's Day. You may read the same here.

2. I have also previously written about my opinion on trivializing rape. You may read the same here.

Men and their erroneous sense of intellect that it is their birth right to touch women

Source: Google image search

The Bangalore incident on the New Year’s Eve is a gruesome reminder of many such previous incidents in Mumbai, Kolkata et al and the fact that not much has changed over the years when it comes to women’s safety. The male section of our society often tends to use ‘alcohol’ as an excuse and ‘mobs’ and ‘crowds’ as shields and disguise to harass women among them. And it somehow gives them some sort of a kick or Adrenalin rush or some sort of sense of adventure.

We keep on harping about treating women with ‘respect’ but what baffles me is ‘understanding’ even before ‘respect’. Why is it so difficult to understand a woman’s – or rather a person’s – right to her own body? Many men now condemn rape as horrific and criminal, but why is groping and eve teasing taken so lightly? Even the dictionaries are seemingly diplomatic about the harsh choirs of groping (Grope (verb) - fondle for sexual pleasure; Fondle (verb) - touch or stroke lightly in a loving or endearing manner). But there is nothing loving and endearing about being rudely touched by a stranger without your permission. The moment a girl feels an uninvited hand grab her body she is filled with confusion, vulnerability and unequivocal disgust. Why do men not understand that it’s not their prerogative to have an overriding right on a woman’s body just because chance made them male? Leave alone just women, every living being, human or otherwise, has an un-abrogable right to their bodies and nobody – I repeat, nobody – should mess with that.

Time and again people use mobs and crowds to get away with things that are not allowed or forbidden. People have gotten away with heinous crimes like sexual assaults and murders. The problem is in a crowd not only is it difficult to identify culprits but also to fix responsibility. Men grope women all the time using crowds as an excuse – in public transport, in queues, in cinema halls; and then behave as if nothing happened or as if they do not even understand why we are glaring at them. Subways, public transport systems and crowded streets are prolific breeding grounds for those lurking with bated breath to viciously cross lines on some clueless figures. There’s no categorical description of groping because it happens all the time in literally every imaginable situation. We ask ourselves why it happens to us and we even ask guys why they do it. But I still can’t fully grasp the reason behind the uninvited, unwanted touching. What is it about human nature that basically makes one attempt to make others feel a way they would not want to feel themselves? Do guys who harass girls feel powerful because they can shift their own vulnerability onto someone else – a woman? If a woman yells back, the perpetrator can be quite pleased because they’ve upset her and reached their goal of projective identification. They know she cannot prove anything. It’s just her word against their own. Groping has become a UFO phenomenon. Even if you have witnessed one, reporting it becomes a problem, for the lack of validational elements.

In a culturally old-fashioned society where the boys are not allowed to feel emotions, they are allowed to inflict them on women, who again are traditionally subjugated as a weaker sex. The worst part is girls are also part of these societal expectations, where it’s far too common that sexual harassment can cost a woman her reputation. It’s the biggest cultural problem in terms of maintaining a culture of sexual harassment.

Most men today try to come out as empathetic and aware of women’s right to security. Some consider it a fad and brag that they are not like those people “who do such things.” “Not All Men” is the new trend. And yet women are groped everyday and everywhere. Not all men grope. But most who grope are men. And it’s not even taken seriously. Victims of groping, take protection under the compassionate blanket of ‘once bitten twice shy’ and are constantly on the alert. Whereas a groper is susceptibly high on the maxim, ‘once a groper always a groper’ because he can easily get away with it. It is like being inside an esteemed museum. We see the warning, “LOOK, BUT DON’T TOUCH.” However, we all know the rhetoric potential of that sign. There will always be those who will want to just touch it, for the sheer thrill. The excitement. In other words, an erroneous sense of intellect that it is their birth right to touch it. 

Practically and sadly, there is no end to groping. Only a heightened sense of awareness, and a belligerent trickle of proactive and preemptive remedial measures that can be put in place to tame and subdue this disturbing deed. But how do you reach that stage until men can be made to feel that “they cannot get away with it.”