New Year New Pact!

The year 2015 has been an exceptional year. I took up a pact and I'm thrilled to have completed it. It was simple act of doing something that I already did albeit slightly less frequently and yet I could not have imagined what it would lead me to. It turned out to be a milestone year as it introduced me to friends far and wide and we suddenly became part of each other's life. It also led me to think how small challenges we take up for ourselves lead us to something nice and sweet that we may cherish for a long time to come.

So, I've decided to take a new pact for the coming year and though I'm not yet decided on one, I have a few ideas and am inviting more from all friends. #NewYearNewPact

Here are a couple of my ideas and please feel free to add yours:

1. 100 stories of exemplary lives of ordinary women (We can call it ‪#‎100extraordinarywomen‬ - This one is my favourite. Next year, I would like to find out and share stories of 100 ordinary women who did extraordinary things. They could be anyone in India or abroad. This is my favourite because IF more people join me in this pact, imagine the number of stories we would end up knowing and sharing, even if some are repetitions. Gosh! I've even started on a list of probable names in my head.)

2. 12 books in my To-Read list (We can call this ‪#‎12bookstoread‬ - I have been becoming lax in picking up the books and reading them. So, with this pact, I would like to read at least 12 books in a year and review them WITHOUT any spoilers. Now, considering my schedule, 12 is a big number for me (I don't want to count the children's books I read with my daughter) but others who want to join in this pact can read more.)

3. 12 random acts of kindness (We can call this ‪#‎12randomactsofkindness‬ - It's good to do something nice for unsuspecting people unexpectedly. We can try and do such thing at least once a month - howsoever big or small - and share with others. Now, sharing your act of kindness, is it too vain or would it encourage others to follow suit?)

My Top Fifteen Favourite Authors

I was tagged by a friend on Facebook to name 15 authors who have captured my imagination, shaped my intellect and consequently influenced how I live my life.

Well, 15 is such a number that I'm even forced to think whether I qualify to call reading as my hobby. But, here it goes:

1. Enid Blyton: Enid Blyton was my first favourite and Noddy my first love as a child. I used to fish out Noddy books from our junior school library. A little bit grown up, I loved the 'Famous Five' and the 'Secret Seven' series.

2. Jane Austen: She is my most favourite author as an adult. When I was in my teens and early-twenties, she introduced me to romance and I set foot in my thirties, she introduced me to feminism.

3. Erich Segal: I have read a few of his books but nothing has ever moved me the way Love Story did. I still cry even after having read it multiple times before.

4. J.K. Rowling: I am unabashedly and unapologetically a Harry Potter fan and have read each of the seven books multiple times.

5. Khaled Hosseini: I have read two of his books and the rest are in my to-read list. But those two were enough to redefine my reading list - somehow I could never again go back to Danielle Steel style romance.

6. Dan Brown: I loved 'Da Vinci Code' and 'Angels and Demons' and found the 'Deception Point' and 'Digital Fortress' too predictable. I am yet to read the rest and 'The Lost Symbol' is definitely on my list. But, why I include him here is that after having literally grown up in a convent school, my entire connection with the Bible stories I had heard as a child was ripped apart by his books and somehow I can never listen / read any bible story the same way ever again without being reminded of 'Da Vinci Code'.

7. John Grisham: All his books have similar names, similar story lines even and I often find it difficult to recall whether I have read his particular book or not. But, he is such an effortless writer that I can pick any of his book and read it at a stretch and even enjoy the same.

8. Jeffrey Archer: I loved the Kane and Able trilogy, especially 'The Prodigal daughter' thanks to its feminist storyline. The books were not at all connected in terms of the plot but were equally capable of hooking one. I didn't however enjoy his short stories, 'A Quiver full of Arrows'.

9. Carolyn Keene (Nancy Drew series): Another book series I loved as a kid, after outgrowing Noddy, was the Nancy Drew series. They were a part of growing up as well.

10. Ayn Rand: Let me be honest, I have only read her 'The Fountainhead' as of now. It was a painfully difficult novel to read but so representative of our society today even though the novel itself was based in 1920s and 30s in US. 'Atlas shrugged' is waiting to be picked.

11. Sidney Sheldon: He was my first introduction to thrillers and the day I picked up a Sidney Sheldon (I even remember it was 'The Best Laid Plans'), I never again picked up another Danielle Steel. I was totally done away with romance.

12. Danielle Steele: Well, the entries above would make it sound like I detest Danielle Steel but in reality she and her books had introduced the idea of romance in my head in my early twenties. Only, she set the standard too high for real life people to be able to meet the criteria. *wink*

13. Robert Ludlum: This should actually have been much above in the list but I am not in the mood to redo the numbering (wish it worked like MS Word). The Jason Bourne series will always be my favourite (even the Matt Damon movie series which was radically different from the books) and he will remain my eternal Superhero - more human than any superhero stories in the world.

14. Margaret Mitchell: The only book she has ever written in her lifetime is also one of my all-time favourites, 'Gone with the Wind'. This book made the summer of 1996 beautiful for me.

15. Louisa May Alcott and Johanna Spyri: I am including these two for the only books of theirs that I have read till date: 'Little women' by Alcott, my introduction to classics and 'Heidi' by Spyri, my introduction to novels; both of which sowed the seeds to importance of being a good human beings.

Similar post: My Top Ten Favourite Books

The role of media in the intolerance debate and the Aamir controversy

Last couple of days saw Aamir Khan being drawn into an unnecessary controversy where one of his statements surfaced in media stating that his wife doesn't feel very safe in the country and has even talked about leaving the country. While memes started floating abound making us laugh on the issue, what was surprising was how the Hindu rightwing hardliners reacted to the issue. Soon messages were being circulated branding Aamir as a traitor; asking him to leave the country (some even choosing a destination for him - the ever popular neighbouring country Pakistan); encouraging people to uninstall the Snapdeal app because Aamir promotes the online retailer; and asking people not to watch 'Dangal', his upcoming movie.

Now, I'm not a fan of Aamir Khan and have even criticized him off and on on various issues especially for his 'Satyamev Jayate' episode on doctors; but I, for once, have no doubts about his patriotism. Moreover, I find the extreme reactions ridiculous. Snapdeal doesn't subscribe to his personal views just because he is their brand ambassador. 'Dangal' is not just an Aamir Khan film, there are thousands more people associated with it - people who do not hold the same viewpoint and whose bread and butter also depend on the movie. And what to say about the statements of the so called Hindu propagandists, with the latest being Shiv Sena which has announced a Rs. 1 Lac award for anyone who slaps Aamir Khan? Really? How can one stoop down to such a level?

I personally think that he or Shahrukh Khan or anybody for that matter, has a right to say whatever they want. Isn't that what tolerance is all about? By punishing them for what they say, we are actually proving them right. By banning their movies and endorsements etc., we are actually demonstrating that we are indeed intolerant. Let's be big hearted enough to ignore what they say and carry on as usual. Let's really be tolerant in the real sense.

But, more importantly, the issue is much more than just that. It is not just about whether Aamir had the freedom to express his views. It is actually about what role is media playing in this episode. Aamir gave a 30 min. interview and he spoke about a lot of things. In fact, he added right after that very sentence that he doesn't agree with the viewpoint. But our very "free" press snipped out 30 seconds from the 30 minute interview and created a controversy and a furore. It is not any more about Aamir's freedom of speech or the common man's freedom of speech. It is more about a common man's right to know the complete truth and the bigger picture.

All through the intolerance debate and ever since it started, I have a feeling that the media is unnecessarily creating controversies and chaos where there shouldn't be any. They are purposefully highlighting religious tones in any statement, any incident whatsoever, no matter how stray the incident is or how weak the connection is (sometimes even using just snippets for their wilful purpose as in Aamir's case). All this simply because controversy sells.

It's high time we all start using our minds and stop believing everything that media projects.

The intolerance debate!!

After BJP lost in Bihar, a friend of mine summarized on Facebook the situation for BJP as follows: "I hope at least now the BJP realise that they came to power after the 2014 General Elections, not because of their core saffron constituency - but because a large number of Indians who are free minded, fair and desirous of economic growth have given them a chance to implement their development agenda. If they do not rein in the foot-in-mouth ban-at-sight brigade, they will simply not be able to deliver growth, jobs, infrastructure and development, and will end up getting severely chastised by the Indian voter."

This is exactly what was going on in my mind.

I'll be honest. I had lost all interest in politics until Mr. Narendra Modi hopped on to the national scene. My family has been a big-time BJP supporter for years but I personally had not found one leader in BJP - not even in any other party - who could inspire me after Mr. Atal Bihari Vajpayee retired. My attitude, much like most of the youth around, was that of indifference towards Indian Politics. But then Mr. Modi came forward. He had an impressive track record in Gujarat. I did understand even then that he thrives a lot on publicity but honestly, I did not find anything objectionable in that. I still don't. After all we in corporate world do understand that selling your work is just as important as doing good work. But, this works only if you do have some base of work and results to showcase.

Add to it that his entire agenda for the General Elections was based on "Development". His mission statement looked realistic. Many of the promises had a timeline of 10 years or more unlike the promises of 7 days / 30 days / 100 days as promoted by a certain new emerging popular rival fighting it out on an anti-corruption agenda. Mr. Modi got a clear mandate and since then he has worked on a lot of issues. He has been criticised as well as praised for everything he has done, or done away with. He has taken both in his stride and ignored what got into is way.

I'm neither a political expert, nor an economic analyst. But, as a layman whatever steps he took seemed beneficial in the long run. He was a pro in getting his messages across through various mediums. For instance, he introduced the "Beti bachao, Beti padhao" campaign and ensured that the females were in fore-front in the Republic Day Parade. He has been travelling across the world promoting "Make in India" and ensuring FDI deals for India. But it would be foolish to assume that all that FDI will enter India on the next day at one go. It would be foolish to assume "Achche Din" will come in one year. They both will take their own sweet time and will flow in slowly in their own comfortable speed.

Anyway, the point is that even though I still have all the trust in Mr. Modi's policies and strategy, I'm losing faith again in BJP. At this point, I sincerely believe that BJP might not be in power to see another term and further Mr. Modi's agenda; or reap its fruits just as well. And all this is not new to BJP even. They never make it another term in a row. But they don't learn either. The moment they get power, their tongues start wagging and they start waving their highly irresponsible saffron-coated flags. This time due to a full majority, they've gone full swing into beef-banning, Muslim bashing, RSS orthodox moral policing, etc. So much so that the entire country is debating on intolerance.

More than all this, what irks me is that Mr. Modi, the famed authoritarian, is absolutely quiet on that. Does he not understand that he needs to be on the PM chair at least two terms to fulfil what he has set out to do? Does he not understand from the Delhi and Bihar verdicts that such irresponsible behaviour from his party and their "associates" will not lead him to a second term in office? What exactly is keeping him from reigning in the motor-mouths and the obnoxious orthodoxes? Isn't it high time, he stops being so smug in his position and so confident in his work that he totally ignores the periphery? Isn't it time he salvages his reputation of a pro-development and anti-orthodox leader?

Sisterly fun!

I am feeling nostalgic today. I am wearing a set of glass bangles which remind me of a story. It is the story about how three girls on their own got things done one fine day. When my sister completed her MBBS, she decided that she would like to complete her internship from Gurgaon. I went ahead and checked with the concerned hospital whether it is possible and they said that it is possible and you just need to get a signed letter from the authorities. So far it seemed very simple, but when she actually landed in Gurgaon about three days before she was scheduled to start her internship, we realized that the concerned authorities who were supposed to issue the letter were actually based out of Panchkula and not Gurgaon. Not only that, the hospital would not accept her without the letter presented on the first day itself and even a single day’s delay in starting the internship would mean she would not be eligible to get her degree in the current year and would effectively end up wasting 1 full year. With no time to waste, I put a leave request on mail in the evening and got on a night bus to Chandigarh along with my two sisters. We were at the entrance of the office at 6:30 a.m. and reading the business hours mentioned at the gate which started at 9:30 a.m. My sister was so tensed that she outrightly refused to have any breakfast and so the three of us sat there on the pavement hungry and just sharing silly jokes to keep our spirit alive. By 9:00 a.m. there were 2-3 more people waiting outside the gate who had come for the same reasons.

When we got talking to a man who was our father’s age, he told us that he was a doctor from Ambala and was there to get the same letter for his son. He also smirked when we told him we were there for the same reason and when asked why he said that they do not issue the letter easily and that it was his fourth trip to Panchkula to get that letter. My sister was on the verge of tears after hearing that when the two of us consoled her that we will not leave without the letter. We did not expect then that it would practically come down to exactly that scenario but it did.

We went from one desk to another, one door to another and even one floor to another. We skipped lunch as well and tricked the not-in-office big boss’ PA to pass on his number. We called him and pleaded him to come to office and sign the form (which I must appreciate that he did) and then split with each other to get the other work done. Eventually when just the stamping of the letter was pending, the person concerned simply vanished from his seat. It was already 4:00 p.m. by then and we had waited for half an hour when that doctor from Ambala came to me and asked whether our task was done. I smiled and said that just the stamp is pending and he laughed and told us that it is the stamp only for which he is coming since his last three trips. We had a train back at 6:30 p.m. and my sister was as anxious as she could be. Me and my other sister looked at her and then to her shocking glares, we simply raised hell. We went to his boss’ office and told him that his subordinate is missing from his seat since half an hour and that we need the stamp on the letter. We outrightly told him that we have a train in an hour’s time but we are not leaving without the stamped letter. We said that we have not booked into a hotel and are prepared to sit outside the office and let everyone know what happened if our sister’s whole year is wasted due to a stupid stamp. By now, we had attracted enough attention that his boss almost panicked and sent someone to look for the concerned person. Turned out that he was hiding in the men’s wash-room simply because he did not want us to get the letter in the first attempt. He was called to his seat by his boss and we just banged our file and letter in front of him. He stamped it. Then we took the file from the doctor uncle’s hand and we put it down in front of him and we asked him to stamp that as well, which he did. As we walked out of the office with my sister smiling ear to ear and the letter in her hand, the doctor uncle thanked us.

Half an hour later we were in the Sector 17 Chandigarh market where we filled up our starving bowels and also shopped for a few nitty-gritties including these set of bangles. Oh! What a day it was. And whenever me and my sisters sit down to gossip we remember it for all the fun, bonding and teamwork.

The ongoing Jasleen Kaur and Sarvjeet Singh Debate

For those active on the social media in India, Jasleen Kaur and Sarvjeet Singh debate doesn't need any introduction. For the uninitiated though, the issue is as follows: Jasleen Kaur, a supposed activist of the AAP Youth wing, posted on Facebook the picture of a person – who later turned out to be a normal Delhi citizen Sarvjeet Singh – along with a text calling him a ‘pervert’ and saying that he misbehaved with her and bad-mouthed her at a traffic light. The post went viral and many people – including me and Sonakshi Sinha (without implying that we both stand in the same league) – shared it across. The person was hailed as a ‘molester’ and even a potential rapist. Two days later, the guy was traced and arrested by police on the basis of the Facebook post. Allegedly, he ended up not only spending a couple of nights behind bars but also losing his job. Out on bail, he shared an emotional reply on Jasleen’s post stating that he had not misbehaved with her and on the contrary Jasleen had misbehaved with him and bad-mouthed him. All of a sudden, a couple of witnesses also surfaced supporting Sarvjeet’s claim and suddenly Jasleen’s affiliation to AAP being highlighted by the media turned all of this into a so-called political publicity stunt for her. Meanwhile, AAP supremo and Delhi CM had even announced an award of Rs. 5,000/- for Jasleen for her so called ‘act of bravery’ and for showing the courage to report an incident of molestation and ‘crime against women’.

These are the facts which I have tried my best to state without taking any sides. In fact, I have decided not to take any sides in this matter even though I had first made the mistake of sharing Jasleen’s post initially. But, I have since removed that post from my Facebook; and all such subsequent posts as well after realizing my mistake. Let me be expressly clear on what I mean when I say ‘my mistake’. I refer it to mean me sharing Jasleen’s post without any idea or proof of it being true and without any corroboration. I do not refer it to mean me sharing Jasleen’s post which eventually turned out to be a false claim. I want to be very clear and maintain that I do not know who is saying the truth and who is not and I do not even have the means to find out, so, I remain neutral until the truth comes out.

Now, having clarified my stand, I would like to note down a few questions and concerns that have been going on in my head from the incident.

1. Amidst all the chaos that happened over the issue one thing which got pretty clear was that after the incident, people have started doubting the legitimacy of eve-teasing cases, especially the ones that go viral on social media. Even I can’t help think now in each and every case that this is a one-sided story and I don’t know what the other side has to say. It is not a very positive shift in mentality because as such very few cases of eve-teasing and sexual harassment are filed by girls. Now, even fewer people will come out in support of the girls who have suffered molestation on city streets. Will this not strengthen the already existing social stigma against reporting crime against women?
2. What is it with the Delhi government awarding her with a cash prize of Rs. 5,000/-? No, I’m not commenting on the amount. Any cash prize has relative importance depending on what it was awarded for and how much value the recipient attaches to it. My concern is with respect to the intent of the award. Jasleen had not taken a legal route yet. She had posted the incident details on Facebook alright. But even if we assume for a minute that her claims are right and genuine, I personally do not think that it counts as courage to report the incident. In fact, as per me, it does not even count as reporting the incident as reporting the incident would have been had she lodged an FIR against the alleged molester, which she never did. What courage then?
3. Also, that brings me to the legal system and the police functioning in India. In Delhi (and so I assume that in India althogether), a domestic violence case or a dowry harassment case cannot legally be lodged in the Police Station directly. It has to be routed through the Crime against Women’s Cell where they ‘counsel’ you and the alleged wrong-doers for at least 3 months (of course there’s no upper limit to the timeline). An FIR usually is filed only after the CAWC sends a report to the DCP saying that it is a fit case for an FIR and the DCP approves filing of the FIR. Which mean that it could be months and even years before a domestic violence or a dowry harassment case even reaches a police station. But, it took the police just two days to arrest an alleged eve teaser on the basis of a viral Facebook post and they did not even wait for an official police complaint to be filed. What an irony? Why is it that our police functions only when something gets highlighted in the public either via social media or via print and TV media?
4. When it comes to the common man, everyone is sympathetic as seen in the given case of Jasleen Kaur where everyone supported her initially. However, as soon as the news of her political association with AAP came into knowledge, people’s entire perspective changed. All of a sudden, everyone started claiming that she is doing this to establish her political agenda, especially in the light of upcoming DUSU elections. People even said that this is a ploy by AAP to establish her as a face on women empowerment within their student followers. Does this not show how much do we trust the system and how gullible people are? 
5. One interesting thing that happened was the rise of eye-witnesses immediately after Sarvjeet’s arrest. They all supported and supposedly corroborated Sarvjeet’s version of the story. Also suddenly CCTV footage also surfaced trying to prove Jasleen a liar by showing her monitoring traffic. How long was the footage? A few seconds and it did not even show the war of words between Jasleen and Sarvjeet. They all were simply trying to prove that Jasleen was lying. Maybe she was and maybe she wasn’t, I don’t know. But, I often wonder why do we never have such eye-witnesses and CCTV footages in real genuine cases. Why did none of the people who saw Nirbhaya and her friend lying stripped and wounded on the road for 45 minutes ever show up to give witness? Why did nobody spoke for the girl who was stripped naked by a bunch of boys in full public view in Kolkata and her video was shot and uploaded on the internet? Why did nobody in the crowd come out when a mob simply went crazy on a new year’s night and stripped naked a girl simply out of new year frenzy in Mumbai? Why is it that when it is time to support a girl against a wrong nobody speaks up and people come forward to support a guy when he is allegedly the wronged party?
6. I was actually surprised how quickly the tides turned in favour of Sarvjeet what with everyone suddenly becoming concerned that the girls are using social media to malign just about any innocent guy. He was immediately declared innocent without even the matter going to the court. I admit Jasleen’s modus operandi was wrong even if she does genuinely believe herself to be a wronged party. But, are we the people not doing the same mistake again by openly now supporting Sarvjeet against Jasleen? If we did not corroborate Jasleen’s claims, have we corroborated Sarvjeet’s claims before openly supporting him? Also, if Sarvjeet’s claims are true and he has all those witnesses and CCTV footages, why is he asking for sympathy and support from the social media? Why doesn’t he simply file a defamation case against Jasleen? Why are the people not questioning him on that? For all I know, unless the court decides who was right and who actually misbehaved basis all evidences, we cannot ourselves pass any judgements basis rudimentary evidences available on the internet. Are we even qualified to form conclusions from that?
7. And, finally, the one thing that pinched me the most in this episode was how people not only bullied Jasleen after the tide turned but also all the people, mostly ladies, who had supported Jasleen and shared her post. Sonakshi Sinha came out with a public apology after being booed on Facebook and Twitter, mostly just to put an end to the tirade. And I can understand that since I went through the same. A few ‘friends’ of mine on Facebook started tagging me to every story supporting Sarvjeet and condemning Jasleen. I usually do not entertain tags, even on photos where I am actually there. But I still accommodated and accepted the tags and let them show on my timeline just so that the friend who tagged me appreciates that I have accepted my mistake and am open to his views. But these were then also accompanied with comments directly aimed at me ‘always’ supporting women and never speaking in favour of men. Personally, I always try to be fair though I do often tend to speak for the women but I have always maintained that I am not against all men but only those who do consider women as second-grade human beings and which are maybe quite a few in number. But how many times do you explain this to someone who is just not ready to understand? So, just as the comments continued, so did the tagging. After the first, and then the second and then the third, it actually started getting on my nerves. And I started rejecting tags and even deleted all articles I had previously allowed on my timeline along with the comments. Good that the taggers took the hint but seriously, for had this continued for a day more, I had already made up my mind to ‘unfriend’ and even ‘block’ the people who consider it their right to bully others on social media just because they have a different opinion and point of view than theirs.

Giving the gift of knowledge!

There are some issues I feel very strongly about. My friends know that I talk about women’s issues and child abuse. But, only my very close friends and family know how strongly I feel about education. I have been extremely privileged to get a very good education thanks to my parents’ efforts. I went to a top convent school in Delhi; I went to the top most commerce college in Asia; I was blessed by God to sail through Chartered Accountancy at the young age of 22 and then I also topped a private university in Germany during my Masters. At the risk of sounding immodest, that’s an academic record I’m really proud of. But, the importance of it all actually dawned on me when after a failed marriage including a sabbatical from a happening career, I was struggling to get back on my feet. If there was a single most important factor that got me back on my career path (apart from my family’s undaunting support), it had to be my education. Moreover, I also see my education as much more than just academic records for me. My schooling had shaped my personality, developed my character and taught me the skills required to be a proud self-reliant girl. This education goes far beyond curriculum books. It is shaped through immersing yourself in experiences of others that you only get to know through their written words, namely, books (primarily other than course books) and through your own mind which knows how to think. They both coupled together take you to a world which is far beyond your limited four walls – a world where imagination soars and the learning is limitless. This is all-round development and certainly the kind of all-round development that I wish all children in our country and in our world are able to get.


My previous company was very active in terms of corporate social responsibility. Apart from volunteering activities, there was an initiative called “Give as you earn” (GAYE) in which we committed to part with a portion of our salary every month – could be as little as Rs. 100 without any upper limit – for transfer to our chosen charities (out of a long list of charities). Apart from the occasional guilt of it being ‘too easy’ and not needing any effort from your side, it was a convenient way to give back to the society. When I changed jobs, my current company did not and still does not have too much of corporate social responsibility initiatives on its platter. To be fair to the company, it is a new set-up and a growing one right now. But, despite off and on monetary contributions to some charities, I had this on my mind as to figure out a way to give back to the society, preferably to help in spread of knowledge to the next generation.


Then as part of casual conversation, a friend suggested that lets open an NGO and do something for the society. I liked the idea but was a little sceptical. An NGO is a huge responsibility. So, I suggested that why don’t we start with baby steps and if we are able to sustain and grow, we can think of forming an NGO as well. And just impulsively I had an idea: there are many charitable schools running for the underprivileged but they are only able to fulfil their basic needs. Why not provide them with something extra? Why not start contributing books per month – even if just two books per month – to the school other than the course books? With six people (that was the strength of our core group of friends), with two books per month, we can have a total of 144 books in a year and actually they will have a kind of library. Eventually it isn’t even about money because you get to choose the books that fit into your budget.


I even remembered a school for underprivileged students in my neighbourhood called Vishwas Vidyalaya and made it a point to check it out. A basic Google search, a phone call and a short visit later, the initiative which we now call “Mission Vishwas” was born. Apart from the six of us, I managed to get two more people on board and we not only donated books but we even donated sports equipment to the school (cricket set, pairs of badminton rackets, footballs, Frisbee). Today I’m visiting the school for yet another monthly contribution of books. Actually, these small visits have slowly become the highlight of my month as I always make it a point to come myself (often with my daughter and sometimes with a friend and a fellow contributor).

But I’ll be honest. I’m slightly concerned about the direction this little initiative is going into. The contributions have been dwindling slightly even though its just the start. And though that troubles me, I feel that one cannot force charity. So, I have ended up increasing my own contributions to at least keep up the pace. I’ve gone from 3 books to 6 books and now to 18 books this month. I’m extremely proud that we have – in a short span of barely four months – been able to add 99 books to the empty room they called a Library and added quite a few sports equipment to the other empty room they called Sports centre. Actually, this whole initiative is so close to my heart now that I just know I will continue as long as I can even if I’m the only one contributing to the school. But now me and a friend of mine are taking it upon ourselves to mobilize more people to contribute.


P.S. Like I said, we have decided to mobilize more people to join in. I personally would like to reach out to my fellow pacters and use the pact to mobilize generous people with similar thought process who would like to join in the cause. In case anyone is interested to know more about it and help this little school, please feel free to get in touch with me directly or join my Facebook Group created for this initiative by the name of “Mission Vishwas” (https://www.facebook.com/groups/783414818407522/?ref=bookmarks). We DO NOT take any monetary contributions and / or fix any min. limit or value of your contributions. It is only books – and any books other than curriculum books – appropriate for students of a Hindi Medium school from class Nursery to Eighth. Moreover, if anyone in Gurgaon / NCR can devote time and volunteer to help slow / new students come up the curve with existing class, it would be very helpful. Even if you choose to contribute directly, it is equally welcome and appreciable. Please feel free to check out the website: http://www.vishwasindia.org/index.html.

Happy Independence Day!!

My idea of freedom is slightly different from the generation before me and it’s probably logical as well since my generation has only read words describing the freedom struggle. We have not known the pain and the trauma of being constantly under siege and fear and the frustration of having no rights and being treated as second-grade human being in your own land. There is, however, still trauma and frustration rampant in our country but the causes are different. The causes are casteism, reservation, power monopolism, bureaucracy, poverty, deficient rights for certain humans (like women for example), lack of security for citizens, child abuse, etc. I can go on enumerating the causes but the fact remains the same. It is not about freedom from any foreign country or body any more. It is about freedom from all that is hurting us from within. And this freedom is something that has to come from inside. And I hope that it comes soon enough so that we can at least leave a better country and a better world for our children.


I am today, like every year, reminded of Tagore’s words:


Where the mind is without fear and the head is held high
Where knowledge is free
Where the world has not been broken up into fragments
By narrow domestic walls
Where words come out from the depth of truth
Where tireless striving stretches its arms towards perfection
Where the clear stream of reason has not lost its way
Into the dreary desert sand of dead habit
Where the mind is led forward by thee
Into ever-widening thought and action
Into that heaven of freedom, my Father, let my country awake.

Moulding our children right

A few days ago, I was travelling in the Delhi Metro. It’s not very often that I do so and this particular time the metro was jam packed and I almost felt crushed. And when you have a long route to cover you either read something, play with your phone or when there’s no seat and no space to move, you end up observing people around you. So, while I stood dwindling with the flow of the metro, two ladies and a small girl of 8-9 years sat in front of me. Almost instantly the girl asked one of the ladies for something to drink. The lady irked a bit at being disturbed between her gossip ritual, quickly opened her bag and gave her a glass with a lid. The kid opened the lid and drank some sips of buttermilk. She sat there with the glass in her hand until there was a jerk. Out splashed a few drops of buttermilk and they would have landed right over me had my reflexes not worked super-fast to move away my foot. She looked at me for a few minutes as did the two ladies. But none of them apologized. She then closed the lid and handed the glass back to the lady. The mother quickly kept it in her bag and continued talking about her mother-in-law to the other lady. After a few minutes the kid whispered something else in her mother’s ears, apparently for something to eat. Now, had I been in the same situation, I would have explained to my daughter, who incidentally is the same age, that eating and drinking is not allowed in the Delhi Metro. But not this lady. She was too keen on not being disturbed by her little girl’s banter. So, she candidly took out a whole packet of candies and handed it over to the girl. First candy went into her mouth and the wrapper landed right next to my feet. In a minute, the second candy and its wrapper followed the same route. Next moment when the third candy came out, I politely said to the girl, “Beta, this little bag that you are carrying… Why don’t you put the wrappers in that and throw them in the dustbin when you get off?” The child looked at me cluelessly while the mother glared at me as if marvelling at my audacity. “Metro aapke baap ki hai?” she asked me rudely. “Nahin sabki hai!” I answered coolly. “Vaise bhi metro mein khaana-peena mana hai. Fine bhi hai.” Luckily for me the three ladies next to me were by now staring at the lady. So, she chose not to inflate the issue, took the candies from her daughter and said audibly, “Rakh le beta, logon ko yahaan bekaar mein problem ho jaati hai.” A few steps from me a lady, must be my age, had been munching on a packet of Kurkure. She pretended not to hear the conversation but acted as if she was satiated and folded the half-eaten packet and kept it inside her bag. An elderly lady and I noticed and exchanged a smile. 

I was also reminded of a similar incident about an year and a half back. My mother and daughter were to arrive at Delhi from Mangalore and the train was late. So, I was waiting at the Nizammudin Railway Station platform for almost an hour. A group of people consisting of at least four couples and as many children somewhat in the age group of 5 – 15 years occupied a nearby bench. While the men stood at a distance, the ladies were seated on the bench with luggage lying next to them and children chatting, playing and circling around them. The entire one hour that I stood there, the ladies and the kids were munching on junk and throwing wrappers around them. Every now and then, one of the kids would go to the nearby kiosk and get a few packets of namkeen and they would open and pass them around. I noticed a huge dustbin attached to the bench where they were sitting and one next to the kiosk too. In fact there were many of them all around us, at every few steps. I also noticed huge signs all around requesting people to throw the waste in the dustbins. Yet these kids and mothers just threw all the wrappers on the floor right where they were sitting and eating. After noticing them for about 45 minutes, my patience gave up and I walked over to the two-three kids nearby and asked, “Beta, why don’t you throw the waste in the dustbin? There’s one right next to you. Is that not what you are taught in school?” They all suddenly fell silent and the ladies’ chatter halted for a minute. A little girl retreated to her mother and I continued to look at the face of a boy who must have been around 14-15 years old. He did not challenge me but looked affronted. He did not pick a wrapper and instead kicked the one next to his feet towards the dustbin. The kids who did not bat an eyelid while throwing that stuff on the floor, suddenly felt it beneath them to pick it up and throw it in the dustbin. My point was made and I stepped back as they murmured amongst themselves about me while jerking their heads. The girl who had retreated to her mother, now ran towards her father and recounted what happened, supposedly in a whisper but loud enough for phrases to travel all the way and reach my ears. As she pointed a finger towards me, her father looked at me even as I stood at a distance and looked at him and his daughter. “Theek toh keh rahi hain Aunty. School mein sikhaate hain naa?” he asked and he came forward and picked one single wrapper and threw it in the dustbin even as all others continued to lie around their feet. 

In both these incidents, I couldn't help thinking how I would have taught my daughter differently and acted out the situation in another way. But, surprisingly, not many parents realize how important it is to supplement the textbook information about good conduct in the live environment. The kids learn in school about keeping their environment clean, saving electricity and water, respecting elders, following rules, not hurting animals, etc. but how will they retain it when the daily conduct of people around them is absolute opposite? I have very consciously changed my conduct ever since my daughter was born. I make sure she puts waste aside and throws it in the dustbin; she stands at a distance when someone is using an ATM, talking on a counter like ordering food etc.; we never break traffic rules, pluck plants, throw stones at cows or dogs, etc.; and always observe Earth Hour. My daughter often questions me, “Nobody else is doing this. Why us?” and my reply is very simple, “Because we must ensure that we are at our best behaviours and we do the right thing even if others don’t.” But the fact remains that many parents don’t follow the same logic. 

I do believe that parents should mould their kids well right from the start, including 

1. Teaching good manners: ‘Please’, ‘Sorry’ and ‘Thank you’ are the very basics which parents should practice as well as preach. Giving your seat to a more needy person; offering what you are eating to others around you; being courteous to guests; and putting other family members before yourself. These are general virtues kids learn at home. 

2. Teaching empathy: Little gestures about talking politely to the cleaning lady and the restaurant waiter helps. Children are always observing. Keep a bowl of water for the birds. They would like that we are helping the birds in the summers. It’s a good idea to include your kids in a kind gesture like charity. They will learn well even with small steps. 

3. Teaching equality: In today’s world, we all love our sons and daughters well and it’s a common saying that “we are bringing up our daughter like our son.” We teach our young daughters about good touch, bad touch and elder ones about what all to do to keep oneself safe. How many parents talk to their sons about consent? Also, are all of us 100% sure that the environment in our home gives equal respect and place to the men and women in the house or are women, though not openly disrespected maybe, always take second priority after the husbands and fathers? If so, we are unconsciously making them believe that the males are more important than females and that the latter have to adjust to accommodate former. 

4. Teaching respect: Kids will not learn how to respect others until the parents do not respect their elders AND their kids. My parents always referred to us as “Aap” and never “Tu” or “Tum”. Me and my sisters are following the same with the next generation and I hope they learn about respect the same way we did. 

5. Teaching discipline: Like I said above, following traffic rules; following school rules; maintaining a decent distance in queues; not disturbing neighbours in cinema halls; following a routine like early to bed and early to rise; all these and more will help them grow up as more responsible children. 

I’m not saying that all parents nowadays are not aware of their responsibilities towards their children, but maybe a culture has been ingrained deeply in us where we do not follow what we preach. Like they say, “Everyone talks about leaving a better planet for our kids. How about leaving better kids for our planet?” 

Why hanging Memon and Kasab was the right thing to do?

"Today is a significant day.
Two souls will be buried.
Both Muslims: For one even Hindus will cry; for the other even Muslims would rejoice.
Both involved with weapons/missiles: One made us raise our heads in pride and the other hangs his head in shame.
One had a vision and the other was on a misplaced mission.
Scores of people are lining to pay tributes to one man and scores of people wanted another man to hang.
One was the president and the other waited for justice from President.
Strange are the ways of life!!!"

Read this today morning and although it touched my heart because of the undeniable comparison between Dr. APJ Abdul Kalam and Yakub Memon; but I could not help thinking how many people are against Yakub Memon's hanging all in the name of humanity.

I have not followed Yakub Memon's case very closely in the sense that I have not followed each and every write-space and airtime being given to him. Still at the risk of sounding somewhat like Salman Khan who blatantly proved his ignorance by tweeting senselessly on the issue, I choose to take a stand opposite of Salman.

I have always stood for humanity myself and I'm also aware that so many people I admire, like Dr. Kalam himself who was referenced above, have openly stood against capital punishment. But, I still choose to support capital punishment and death penalty although I feel that it should not be overused and should be saved for rarest of rare cases and crimes that put all humanity to shame. So, with that view, I do support death penalty for Yakub Memon, Ajmal Kasab and the culprits in the 16th December gangrape case.

Memon cried a day before his hanging when he met his brother and cousin. Kasab was unusually quiet and offered prayers. I wonder did they feel this remorse when they did those ghastly crimes against humanity?

The 1993 Bombay bombings were a series of 13 bomb explosions that took place in Mumbai on 12 March, 1993. The coordinated attacks were the most destructive bomb explosions in Indian history. This was first of its kind serial-bomb-blasts across world. The single-day attacks resulted in over 350 fatalities and 1200 injuries. These bombs were assembled in Yakub Memon's house and he himself handled 85 grenades. He might not have been the mastermind of the killings but he was fully aware of the implications and willingly participated in them. Arguments that he turned himself in (which is again debatable) and participated and assisted in the court case seem frugal compared to the loss of lives and the ruining of families of the deceased and injured. These families will never be the same.

Let's also give a thought to the 26/11 Mumbai attack. They were planned and directed by Lashkar-e-Taiba militants inside Pakistan, and carried out by 10 young armed men trained and sent to Mumbai and directed from inside Pakistan via mobile phones and VoIP. At least 164 victims (civilians and security personnel) and nine attackers were killed in the attacks. Among the dead were 28 foreign nationals from 10 countries. The bodies of many of the dead hostages showed signs of torture or disfigurement. A number of those killed were notable figures in business, media, and security services. Ajmal Kasab was the only attacker arrested alive by police. Much of the information about the attackers' preparation, travel, and movements came from his confessions to the Mumbai police. No doubt he was a small pawn in a big game but then the technology is so advanced now that the masterminds are never at the forefront. They are the puppeteers who work in the background. That does not, however, mean that Kasab was blissfully unaware of what he was doing and was in a trance or was hypnotised by someone to kill and maim people on that fateful day. He knowingly did what he did.

The supporters of Memon and Kasab who support mercy for them should explain using any other argument than 'humanity' to argue why they shouldn't have been hanged. For these people killed humanity with their actions and do not deserve the same as an argument for mercy.

And the argument that their mercy petitions were not given 'adequate consideration' is so silly that even SC rejected it by saying that there was no "legal fallacy" in the issuance of death warrant by the TADA court in Mumbai. The apex court had set up the three-judge bench on Tuesday after a two-judge bench had delivered a split verdict on the petition of Memon who had sought a stay of his execution scheduled for July 30. Following the disagreement between justice Dave and justice Joseph on the issue, the matter was referred to Chief Justice of India HL Dattu who constituted a larger bench of justice Misra, justice Prafulla C Pant and justice Amitava Roy to decide the destiny of Memon. The bench also rejected the contention of Memon that all legal remedies were not exhausted, including the issue of clemency, saying that the President had rejected his mercy petition on April 11, 2014 which was communicated to him on May 26, 2014. Let us also not forget that the apex court has gone through all evidences and arguments and then awarded him a death sentence which means that his crime has been established beyond doubt. How much more consideration is expected? And to top it up, the SC convened this bench at 2:00 am at night which is really going out-of-the-way to give him an ear-time.

And a last note that I want to add is that PLEASE LET US NOT MAKE THIS A RELIGIOUS ISSUE. So if Muslims contend that in such and such cases death penalties were not granted to Hindus, I want to make them face the reality that SC had reasons to believe that this person deserved one and they didn't. Also, please be reminded that more Muslims died than Hindus in the Bombay Bomb Blasts and the communal riots that followed. If you want to talk brethren-ship with Memon for being a Muslim, please spare a thought also for those Muslims who died because of Memon. 

RIP Mr. APJ Abdul Kalam

I can write many paragraphs in obituary to this great man who inspired generations and ignited millions of minds. But no matter how many words I use, they will always fall short of what deserves to be said about him. Very few people are there in the world who only have all the people loving them and respecting them and not a single person hating them. Sir, you are one of those rare gems who is universally revered.

I read this tribute to Mr. APJ Abdul Kalam. I do feel that it easily resounds how I felt about the news of his demise. So, instead of filling this space with meaningless words, I will just reproduce these here. RIP!

On getting the sad news, we cry a tear,
As if you were some one close and dear.
Never met, never been close,
But why then do I feel this loss?
Is it because you lived for us?
A rare breed by far thus.
Your thinking high, your living sober.
Leading by example, never an empty talker.
In our world full of dirty leaders, you shine so bright.
Your thoughts, words and deeds are indeed a light.
For our generation you are an inspiration,
A ray of hope in a sea of desperation.
Above politics and worldly gains but full of passion.
You will live in the hearts of our generation.

- Anonymous

Log kya kahenge?

India is country where society is the biggest governing factor – even more that the politics and religion. We often blame our ‘culture’ and ‘religion’ for imposing anything and everything. Intercaste marriages; love marriages; same sex marriages; all of them are questioned. A man or woman deciding to stay single; a couple deciding not to have a child of their own or to adopt one; a girl choosing not get married at what is often described as ‘the appropriate age’ (generally referred to any number between 18 and 25); are always questioned. Single mothers; women working till late hours (often described as career-minded women); girls going out at night (with or without guys) or wearing clothes of their choice; a student opting for a career of his / her own choice; even someone getting a divorce; all face the same question.

“Log kya kahenge? (What will the people say?)”

All of us have for any of the above reasons or even for other basic simple harmless decisions in life have faced this big question sometimes from family members, sometimes from neighbours, sometimes even from strangers who know nothing about who we are and where we are from. Random people on the streets happily pass judgements on you basis how you dress, how you walk; how you talk and simply basis how you choose to be. And everyone is worried about these strangers; worried about what will they say?

Does that surprise me? Surprisingly, not as much as it should. We all have grown up worrying about these people and our lives have become so entwined in this question about what will these people say that we unquestioningly abide by the norms and fences we have created around ourselves supposedly to ensure that we do not give these people the reason to say something at all.

But what does surprise me is that when rapes happen; eve teasing happens; children are abused; women are harassed and tortured; female foeticide is rampantly practised; brides are burned; people openly ask for dowry and even go to the extent of killing women for it; when honour killings happen; when children are forced into labour; when even elite society and middle class educated people force their children to adopt a certain career; when people are discriminated on the basis of castes; when capability and ability is suppressed on pretext or reservations; when there is a lack of even basic sanitation facilities for the public; when people openly fuel corruption at all levels; and when people fail to respect females or even other human beings; then “ye log kyun kuchh nahin kehte? (why these people do not speak up?)”

Why is there no fear of the society for doing something wrong when there is always a fear of the society for doing something right?

Parents: Rights and obligations!

In a landmark judgement, the Supreme Court recently has said that an unwed mother in India can become the sole legal guardian of a child without the consent of the father. This has sparked a debate on social media about the rights of the biological father when he does not marry the mother of his child for some reason.

I came across a gentleman who not only disagreed with the judgement but felt that irrespective of the situation, a biological father should have rights on the child and the mother should not only keep him updated but also take all important decisions related to the child in “consultation”. I felt just so angry listening to his views no matter how politely they were rendered. They were seething of male chauvinism. A man may choose not to fulfil any of his responsibilities but he still should enjoy the rights.

Also, I feel that Supreme Court should take a similar stand in case of divorced / separated parents where one parent, especially fathers, ceases to fulfil his / her duties. The schools, passport offices, government institutions still insist on Biological father's details in school even if the father has had nothing to do with the child, either socially or financially. They even insist on stating those details on ID Cards, Report Cards etc. as a permanent reminder to the child that he/she has a father who doesn't care at all for him/her. And let me tell you as a single mother of an 8-year old child whose father last saw her when she was 1 and half years old that it is very very frustrating for the child.

I firmly believe that one does not become a parent just by giving birth to a child. And mind you, I say parent and not father because this equally applies to both father and mother. A parent becomes a parent by living, breathing and existing as a parent - by providing the child with love, care, emotional and physical security, the sense of belongingness and the confidence of a support and a strong foundation. That's what makes adoptive parents as parents. And if biological parents cannot provide their child with that, they should have no right as a parent.

Addendum: July 2016

Recently, Delhi High Court ruled that a mother who is single-handedly bringing up her children can have their passports made without the father's name. However, the particulars of the case were very specific where the father of the child had abandoned the mother and child even before the birth of the child. The mother had since got all papers (birth certificate, school admission, etc.) done without fathers name. As it happens with all court judgements, the same is applied to only cases with exactly same circumstances.

However, there are still single parents (mostly mothers but also assume some fathers) who are in a similar situation where they are single-handedly bringing up their children without any presence (emotional, physical, social or financial) of the other parent in the child's life who are struggling to get the other parent's name off an existing passport. There is a plea to the government to modify the rules to accommodate such requests. Please sign the petition. It is a very genuine request more from the children rather than the parents. Every single parent child has a right to be associated with the parent who stood by him / her, be it the mother and the father.

My saree story: How I got on the saree bandwagon?

I have decided to participate in the ‪#‎100sareepact‬ where one should wear saree at least 100 times in 2015. I had read about it in The Brunch by HT this Sunday. This is an initiative by two women, Ally Matthan and Anju Maudgal Kadam, and is an attempt to bring back the saree in mainstream. I do wear a saree to office at times (more frequently in Summers than in Winters) and I can remember at least 8 instances when I have worn a saree in 2015. So, I have started today with number nine.

To be honest, I am a bit excited about this. It's been long since I have actually participated in something that I love doing anyway but something that becomes a social craze suddenly (does it sound like a vain craving for social acceptance?). So, I am also eager to share my saree story here i.e. how I actually got on the saree bandwagon.

As a kid, I often saw my mother wearing a saree off and on, mostly on special days like a festival, anniversary or a family function but also often on routine summer days. She looked beautiful - slim, petite and very elegant. That's how I started loving sarees. Just like all girls, I was excited about 12th standard Teacher's Day Role Play in school and the school farewell, both of which mandated sarees in my school. Both these sarees were chosen with a lot of care and deliberation mostly because I could not decide between the lovely sarees in my mom's collection. Then studies and job happened and sarees took a back seat. Even when I got married, I only bought a few designer sarees which were restricted to only formal occasions.

Only in 2010 when I joined a very vibrant and well-known MNC in the financial sector where my female boss wore beautiful and colourful silk, cotton silk and tussar silk sarees (I think so but I am usually clueless about the kinds of sarees and their textures) did the saree bug started tickling me again. Two years later, I got into another role, relatively senior, in another department and I decided even before shifting that I will start wearing sarees right at the outset itself (mostly starting suddenly involves many stares and questions about "aaj koi special day hai?" and that invoked a bit of hesitation). And I did start wearing them usually once a week basis at least in summers. I must say it helped me a lot. My new role also involved me taking risk management trainings for all Finance staff including some very senior management team members and donning a saree on those occasions made me look and feel confident. I think a saree automatically brings grace to a female, transforming her from a girl into a lady. One usually wears it with at least a little bit of heels, and with a saree one automatically tends to walk tall with back straight. All in all, it spells grace and it spells confidence. I have since switched roles and jobs and I continue to wear sarees to work off and on. I am not as slim and as petite as my mom, so I restrict myself to georgette and chiffon sarees but I also have a few silks and a favourite art silk saree that I wear often.

Here's a peek into my #9/100. (Please ignore the black box which I used for privacy purposes). It's a long way to go as I see people posting their 30th or so picture but I am just too excited to be part of this.

A big shout out to the special needs parents!

Off late I have met a few special needs kids and have somehow read a few posts on the net about special needs kids and their parents (and I cringe to even think that writing posts about such a sensitive subject is one of the latest fads... I hope it's not!) There have been a few thoughts in my mind about that and I thought it best to put those down.

 To anyone reading this, I want to make it clear beforehand that I do not have any idea about what a special needs family goes through on a day-to-day basis. I can imagine that it's slightly difficult than what us all go through. But, I would just say that I feel the following about a special needs kid / parents and a 'typical' kid / parents:

1. I do feel that a special needs kid and a 'typical' kid is after all a kid first. (That's why I say 'typical' and not 'normal' because even a special needs kid is a normal kid.) It does not help to distinguish between the two or treat them any differently. Personally my interaction with a special needs kid is not much different than with a normal kid. I do not see the point in making them feel any different that others (not different, not special - just normal). Same goes with my interaction with their parents. They do not need any sympathy or a kind word. They love their kid just as much as we love ours and nobody sympathises with one for being a parent to a child. So, if someone thinks I was rude because I did not demonstrate enough empathy, please feel free to think that I am a heartless person. I have anyway never given two hoots for anybody's opinion about me.

2. I have been told that being a special needs parents is not easy. I feel that being a parent itself is not easy. I haven't seen a single kid that has come to this world with an instruction manual. We all learn as we embark on this journey. We deal with everyday experiences as parents. All kids - both special needs and 'typical' - go through good days and bad days, emotional turmoil, growing up pains, and everything imaginable in human existence. All parents feel angry, upset, tired, weak, cranky, irritated, exhausted at various times and it's okay. We come around anyway because we are parents and we love our kids.

3. People tell me that special needs parents learn to celebrate little milestones and achievements and everyday miracles. Trust me when I say that we all do that and special needs parents and other parents are not any different in their celebration of their kids. I cry all the time for my daughter - and I am not even the person who ever cried in any movie, novels, TV series etc. until my daughter was born. But now, I get emotional all the time. I cry all the time. My daughter's joys, her pain, her success, her failure, her insecurities, her confidence, her little accomplishments - I cry for all of them. Even the joys and sorrows of other kids like when I see reality shows in which kids are participating and those annual award giving ceremonies where I am surrounded by all proud parents - they all make me emotional. And its not any different for special needs parents. The only difference is in the thresholds of our expectations for our kids. Some have higher expectations and others have lower. But, again it is okay because it has nothing to do with whether the kid is special needs or 'typical'. Each kid is different anyway and the expectations too differ and should differ accordingly.

4. I am told that special needs parents suffer because they feel disappointed when they compare their kids with other kids. Let me be very clear on this one specially. It never helps to compare one's child to others. It's not only happening to special needs parents. It happens to almost all parents. Every parent feels disappointed about something or the other when they compare their kid to any other kid. That other kid is just as unique as your own. He / she is bound to have something that your kid doesn't just as your own kid is bound to have something unique that the other kids don't. My genuine advice is never compare your kid to any other kid. Celebrate your child's uniqueness and give them an environment to flourish without influencing them with anything that their peers do.

5. Special needs parents deal daily with grief which other parents know nothing about. This may be true to an extent. But, I want to say that it's okay too. I read somewhere that “Grieving the losses is not incompatible with celebrating the triumphs.” This is so true. And it's not like other parents don't have troubles of their own. Just like every child's gifts are unique, every parents troubles and griefs are unique too. Some parents struggle with daily routines for various reasons (lack of support, for instance) while some secretly mourn the childhood their child would not have. Then again there are others who leave their kids in the care of others so as to earn their daily breads and miss the simple childhood joys each child bestows on his / her parents. Let's not forget that life is a tightrope walk anyway and no matter what some people harp about, nobody in this world has it all. We all have our share of challenges. It's natural to have heartbreaks and sadness. We need to learn to acknowledge these feelings just as much as we acknowledge our joys and happiness. Give them time, let them settle and then move on. Who knows what's in store at the next corner on your journey of parenthood?

So, if the next time I am told that I should have been more 'sensitive' towards a special needs child and his / her parent, I will not mince my words to tell them that they are being 'insensitive' to them by treating them any differently than any of us. We talk about inclusion but inclusion is not about demonstrating empathy and politeness; inclusion is about completely ignoring the need for any empathy and politeness.

Why I talk about women's issues?

This post had been in offing for some time now. Two three incidents happened recently that were prompting me to write this down to make my stand clear.

First, a friend going through an unfortunate divorce where he is allegedly facing many a false allegations and charges asked me why I ‘always’ favour women and write about atrocities on women and not on atrocities on men and on how the women friendly laws are being used by vile and vicious women against innocent men. Second, a female friend had tagged me against a post about “Feminazis vs. Women”. Of course, I untagged myself but sportingly shared the same on my timeline, briefly putting forth my viewpoint. Then again, Friday night I shared a joke on wives with a friend on Whatsapp. I added below that the same is also applicable on husbands (simply because the joke was otherwise not gender specific). He first asked me whether I am against husbands or against men. I responded saying that I’m neither and that I am against differentiation of any kinds. Just as I was explaining myself in as light hearted conversation as possible, he asked me whether I have been drinking since it was a Friday night. I laughed it off by saying, “Haha… I don’t drink. But, that was a good one – very effective in quashing everything I just said.” Of course, he covered it up with a “I was just kidding” argument and then even complimented me on being a responsible mother, but the point was driven across very clearly. The point in all this is that I am viewed by my friends as a strong-feminist.

I don’t see anything wrong with the label, neither do I think there’s anything wrong with being a feminist in the first place. Only, I don’t see myself as a feminist – at least not the kind of feminist that is popularly perceived as a “bra-burning, man-hating” person. However, if you really go by the Bell Hooks definition of a feminist which says, “a feminist advocates or supports the rights and equality of women”; then I may proudly be categorized as one. The key word here is equality. I am more of an “equalist” (without propoganding the communist agenda and Marx’s scholastic teachings) and I AM very vocal and supportive of equality among people: male-female especially, but even generally (for example, I am also against quotas based on castes).

I would like to see a world where it makes no difference what your gender is; where men and women share equal responsibilities and get equal rights; where they both respect each other for being a human rather than for being a male income provider or a homemaker (latter should just be different roles they play). Clearly, this is not the case as of today where, in the society, men enjoy a privileged status as against women, be it for any reason: traditional orthodoxy, roles played by them in the society or the generally superior psychological complex. And mind you, I am not referring to India alone although the problem is deep rooted in India. But, how do you bring about equality? Gosh, that must be confusing for anyone to understand.

Let me illustrate further: There are two books, one is lying on the floor and other one is lying on a high table. There are three ways you can bring them at the same level: 1) Pick up the book on the table and put it on the floor; 2) Pick both books and put then on a chair (a level in between); and 3) Pick up the book on the floor and put it on the table. I choose the third. If anyone has been following my posts on Facebook, Whatsapp or my blog; for most instances, I try not to generalize against men and male gender. I do not think degrading men will help in upgrading women. I try to talk about women. I try to talk about my views on the issues faced by women. But I do not deny that all men are not on fault and there are many men in the world who respect women and consider them equally capable as themselves. Personally, I favour all the laws in place to help women counter oppression, but just like we say in our world of risk management, “No control is fool-proof”, even laws are not fool-proof and each law opens doors for their misuse against genuine and innocent men. However, having said that, it is not a reason to not put laws in place just as much as we put controls in place nevertheless. Hence, we should continue to work towards upliftment of women. We should continue to talk about and discuss the problems and issues faced by women. It is my firm belief that we can change mindsets and societal equations by persistently talking about issues and creating awareness about them. The results may not show immediately but unless we talk about and challenge the problems, no change will ever happen. I may not be able to see the kind of world of equal opportunity that I envisage in my lifetime, but I do hope that if I and other people continue to talk about these issues and problems, our kids just might be lucky to witness our dream.

And so I continue to talk about women. Because the equations in our society currently are lopsided towards men. Because we live in a society where we teach women how to avoid rape, but don't teach men self-control. Because woman are told not to let men treat them as objects, but no one teaches men that woman are not toys. Because awareness and fear of rape is just a normal part of being a woman, like breathing and eating. Because when girls go to college they're buying pepper spray while guys are buying condoms. Because some women weren't even women yet when they first began experiencing misogyny and harassment. Because a woman shouldn't have to feel any less safe walking home alone at night than a man. Because men don’t text each other that they got home safe. Because when a man says no in this culture, it's the end of the discussion while when a woman says no, it's the beginning of a negotiation. Because sexuality, entitlement & consent are part of a conversation we need to have with our daughters AND our sons. Because breastfeeding by women in public is offensive, but scratching the privates by men is acceptable. Because we still have offices and schools which have a dress code that has a full page about what girls can't wear & nothing about what boys can't wear. Because there are still over 200 Nigerian girls missing and America is negotiating since months; yet they discreetly buy freedoms for male journalists. (As for India, we don’t even count our missing girls, leave alone take action.) Because women having opinions, even when wholly grounded in logic, leads to them being called "difficult" and "emotional." Because every woman I know has something to contribute to this discussion and that just makes me so sad. Because the guys are not going to take feminism away from me and call me bossy / hostile / aggressive and make this about themselves. Because the point of this isn't to shame men, it's to empower women and yet, so many guys are still making this about them. Because I'm tired of having to contend and demonstrate that I don't hate men. How about more proof that men don't hate women?

And yes, I do believe that this doesn't make me a ‘feminist’. It makes me a ‘humanist’.

My wish for you, my child!

My wish for you is that you blossom into a strong, confident and independent person. I wish you to stand tall in this world and to learn to depend on yourself. I wish you to find your passion and have trust in yourself so that you can learn to rise after every failure and not rest until you have achieved what you want in life. I wish you to not depend on money or material things for your happiness, but to learn to appreciate the people who love you, the simple beauty that God gave you and to find peace and security within yourself. I wish you to learn to give and earn respect, and above all respect yourself so that you can hold strong to your convictions. I wish you to learn grace, integrity and humility because these are the seeds of greatness.

Relationship advice

I read the following relationship tips (originally for women) on the internet today and I feel that they are very helpful and worth keeping in mind.

P.S. Having always promoted Gender Equality, I personally believe that these tips are relevant but not gender specific which means they should apply equally for men looking for a relationship.

________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

RELATIONSHIP TIPS FOR WOMEN

1) If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away.
2) If he doesn't want you, nothing can make him stay.
3) Stop making excuses for a man and his behaviour.
4) Allow your intuition (or spirit) to save you from heartache.
5) Stop trying to change yourself for a relationship that's not meant to be.
6) Slower is better.
7) Never live your life for a man before you find what makes you truly happy.
8) If a relationship ends because the man was not treating you as you deserve, then heck no, you can't 'be friends.' A friend wouldn't mistreat a friend.
9) Don't settle.If you feel like he is stringing you along, then he probably is.
10) Don't stay because you think 'it will get better'. You'll be mad at yourself a year later for staying when things are not better.
11) The only person you can control in a relationship is you.
12) Avoid men who've got a bunch of children by a bunch of different women. He didn't take responsibility when he got them pregnant, why would he treat you any differently?
13) Always have your own set of friends separate from his.
14) Maintain boundaries in how a guy treats you; if something bothers you, speak up.
15) Be aware that healthy relationships are built on trust, and that trust takes time to develop. It may be unwise to share too much of yourself and about yourself too quickly. (See 6 above)
16) You cannot change anyone else's behaviour. Change comes from within.
17) Don't EVER make him feel he is more important than you are, even if he has more education or a better job. And don't ever make him feel less important than you are either.
18) Do not make him into a quasi-god; he's a man, nothing more, nothing less.
19) Never let a man define who you are.
20) A man will only treat you the way you ALLOW him to treat you.
21) All men are NOT dogs.
22) You should not be the one doing all the bending...compromise is a two-way street.
23) You need time to heal between relationships...there's nothing useful about baggage... deal with your issues before pursuing a new relationship.
24) You should never look for someone to COMPLETE you. A relationship consists of two WHOLE individuals. Look for someone complimentary, not supplementary.
25) Dating is fun, even if he doesn't turn out to be Mr. Right.
26) Allow him to miss you sometimes...if a man always know where you are all the time, and you're always readily available to him - he may take you for granted... remember that you have your own life to live which may not always include him.
27) Don't fully commit to a man who doesn't listen to you and try to meet your needs.

Lost Generation!!

The Last Time!!

A beautiful poem by Taryn McLean:

Oh the joys of being a woman!!

I may be the ‘saree’ kind or the ‘skirt’ kind
But I wear my heart on my sleeve

I may be the ‘homemaker’ type or the ‘breadwinner’ type
But I ‘labour’ through my day and night

I may be the ‘yes to all’ sort or the ‘no to all’ sort
But I end up doing everything that needs to get done

I may be the ‘Calvin Klein’ shopper or the ‘mom nd pop tomato’ shopper
But there are people I value higher than my purchases

I may be the ‘masterchef’ breed or the ‘dial-a-pizza’ breed
But I believe that good thoughts provide true nourishment

I may be the ‘fair skin’ make or the ‘wheatish complexion’ make
But my ethics are much beyond than skin-deep

Don’t judge me..don’t jacket me..
I could be a little girl each time I cry myself to pulp..
I could be a daughter each time I move away from my parents..
I could be a sister each time I provide the much needed advice..
I could be a wife each time I save the last bite of the chocolate..
I could be a mother each time I clean up the mess that someone else creates..

But you will need the woman in me..
In every smile and every mile…
In every tear and every cheer...!!

Oh the joys of being a woman!!

- Source unknown

Gravity vs. God

A friend today floated a question on Facebook for all his pals. He simply asked, “Are you an atheist?”. The moment I read it, I asked myself, “Am I?” Pat came the answer from within, “If you’re not, why the speck of doubt?” And hence I was forced to think. But, how could I be an aethist? Isn’t aethist defined as “A person who disbelieves or lacks belief in the existence of God or gods” (Source: Oxford Dictionary) and I do go to temples, right?

Some days ago, I had read somewhere, “We live on a blue planet that circles around a ball of fire, next to a moon that moves the sea, and you don’t believe in God?” I remember thinking, “That’s Gravity!” My heart argued again, “Sure it is. Gravity keeps us grounded. But, isn’t that what God is also supposed to do?” And then I wondered whether God could be just another name for Gravity? More arguments follow here: Gravity is nothing but a superpower that ensures existence. But then so is God.

I do believe there's a superpower that ensures existence. Whether you call it a God or not, it's up to you. Whether you give him a face - any face - or not, it's up to you. I believe that the power is inside us, it is around us and some people call it Gravity and others call it God. They give it a face and carve it in stone.

I think we humans have a fear of the unknown and the unseen and they do this because it gives them protection against the fear. So, it's okay as long as it gives you peace of mind. What I don't believe in is discriminating each other on the basis of the face we have chosen for our belief. It's worse than kids fighting, “My doll is better and prettier than yours.”

As for the rituals, again they are okay as long as they don't become superstitions. I myself participate in poojas, fast on Navratris and all. But if for any reason, I am not able to do that for once (e.g. this Navratri I am not fasting), it's okay. The God, if he exists, would not judge us anyway.

Overheard and disgusted - high society match-making

Yesterday, I was visiting an eye specialist to get my eyes checked. It wasn't anything more than a routine check-up and I happened to be waiting for my eyes to be dilated that I overheard a lady talk on phone with someone. She seemed to be some kind of a match-maker dealing primarily with high society, big net-worth clients. Her style of speaking was very sophisticated, urbane and suave and yet I couldn't have been more disgusted with the conversation that I overheard.

This is what the one-sided conversation sounded like (# names changed to prevent privacy)

"Hello! Namaste ji, how are you?"

*pause*

"Arre, what are you saying? Aapko toh is waqt bahut khush hona chahiye. Maine itni sundar ladkiyan bhej rakhi hain aapko."

*pause*

"Nahin, itni badhiya ladkiyan hain aur aapko khaas pasand nahin aayi? Geetika# aur Aisha Kohli#. Vaise in dono se bhi sundar ek ladki aayi hai mere paas. She has come to me through a reference and she is very beautiful. Only thing is that she does not belong to Delhi or NCR. She is from Indore."

*pause*

"But, then toh agar aapko Delhi/NCR se hi chahiye toh yehi dono hi hain - Geetika and Aisha Kohli."

*pause*

"Haan, Geetika, I know, is just ok to look at, but paise-walon ki ladki hai. Uske papa se baat hui thi  meri, vo log shaadi mein 1.5 crore lagane ko ready hain. They will even give you an Audi worth 40 lacs. Aapko yehi toh chahiye tha."

*pause*

"Nahin, vo toh Aisha Kohli wale bhi itna hi karenge - 1.5 crore bhi Audi bhi."

*pause*

"Vaise toh dono ka financial status same hai. Both girls' fathers have same income, about 5 - 6 crores. Aur girls bhi dono hi sundar hain. Haan, Aisha Kohli comparatively, you are right, thodi better looking hai."

*pause*

"Yeh Geetika ki family ne abhi abhi 1 brand new kothi khareedi hai DLF mein 500 gaz ki. They will shift there in 2 months. Actually, her bhabhi is expecting so they are waiting."

*pause*

"Abhi Rajinder Nagar mein rehte hain. Ab vaise to Rajinder Nagar is also not a bad place. A lot of good and well-to-do families live there."

*pause*

"Nahin, Aisha Kohli ka bhi same hai. Unki Noida mein kothi hai 400 gaz ki."

*pause*

"Ab vo toh dekho ji, both girls are same to same, dono sundar hain, dono 1.5 crore lagayenge, dono Audi denge, dono ka financial status bhi same hai. Ab it's up to you."

By now, I was disgusted and sick of the conversation and was wondering whether I should look for another seat. It was nauseating to listen the girls being evaluated on such orthodox narcissistic and greedily monetary criteria. Not once during the 15 odd minutes conversation was the girls' educational background, career choices (I doubt they had any) or other qualities were discussed. Was it only me who had started to believe that thanks to the social media and public outcry the mindsets of people has started to change, especially the upper middle class and high class people who are active on social media etc. I had started to think that the girls in these families are not looked at as commodities anymore and are acknowledged and respected for their own achievements and qualities. I was jolted from my slumber by a simple one sided conversation to come back to reality that things have only changed in written and spoken words and families like mine where girl's education and empowerment have always been embraced are still largely outnumbered by the orthodox male child obsessed and male dominated families. Have I actually become too much of a feminist to feel largely disturbed by this seemingly normal conversation?

Meanwhile, while the phone conversation continued, and I was thinking all of this, luckily for me, there was a call for me to see the doctor and I was saved from overhearing the conversation any further.

I wonder what all my friends, both guys and girls, have to say about this.

The rape victim was 71 years old but why does it matter

I am getting increasingly irked by all the coverage of the Nun's rape. Fail to understand why so much focus is on the age of the Nun. A rape is a rape, be it an assault on a 71 year old or a 21 year old. Why the unnecessary hype on the age?

Everywhere - in the news, or even on social media - in the coverage that the incident is getting; there is excessive emphasis on the age of the nun who faced the sexual assault. And I ask myself whether the fact that the nun was well beyond her prime and probably the age of the assailants' grandmother makes the crime any more horrible than the other rapes that have happened in the past or keep happening every day in India? Was Suzette Jordan's rape any different from 'Nirbhaya' (thanks to BBC, we even know Nirbhaya's real name now - Jyoti Singh) incident just because she was the mother of teenage daughters? Even Aruna Shanbaug's case is a radical reminder that every rape, be it on a teenager or a women in her twenties, thirties, forties or even seventies as brutal as that of the nun, if not more.

Why then the unnecessary focus on the Nun's age?

I do understand when a child faces sexual assault, the age of the child becomes a highlight of the gruesome incident for two primary reasons: 1) the child does not even understand what he or she has been subjected to; and 2) his / her body is not even physically developed to handle what it has been inflicted to. Highlighting the young age of the victim in such cases is also only necessary to understand the psychological impact on the child victim which is very different from the psychological impact on an adult victim. But, again, even in such cases, the focus still remains on the criminal's alarming psychological need to overpower and dominate the other person, usually the female who is often highlighted in all these incidents as the weaker sex.

But, in any case, the age of the victim does not even matter in the rape. It is a brutal and barbaric crime no matter what.

P.S. For that matter, it is even irrelevant that the victim was a Nun. She was a 'women' who bore the brunt of savage male mentality.