RIP Mr. APJ Abdul Kalam

I can write many paragraphs in obituary to this great man who inspired generations and ignited millions of minds. But no matter how many words I use, they will always fall short of what deserves to be said about him. Very few people are there in the world who only have all the people loving them and respecting them and not a single person hating them. Sir, you are one of those rare gems who is universally revered.

I read this tribute to Mr. APJ Abdul Kalam. I do feel that it easily resounds how I felt about the news of his demise. So, instead of filling this space with meaningless words, I will just reproduce these here. RIP!

On getting the sad news, we cry a tear,
As if you were some one close and dear.
Never met, never been close,
But why then do I feel this loss?
Is it because you lived for us?
A rare breed by far thus.
Your thinking high, your living sober.
Leading by example, never an empty talker.
In our world full of dirty leaders, you shine so bright.
Your thoughts, words and deeds are indeed a light.
For our generation you are an inspiration,
A ray of hope in a sea of desperation.
Above politics and worldly gains but full of passion.
You will live in the hearts of our generation.

- Anonymous

Log kya kahenge?

India is country where society is the biggest governing factor – even more that the politics and religion. We often blame our ‘culture’ and ‘religion’ for imposing anything and everything. Intercaste marriages; love marriages; same sex marriages; all of them are questioned. A man or woman deciding to stay single; a couple deciding not to have a child of their own or to adopt one; a girl choosing not get married at what is often described as ‘the appropriate age’ (generally referred to any number between 18 and 25); are always questioned. Single mothers; women working till late hours (often described as career-minded women); girls going out at night (with or without guys) or wearing clothes of their choice; a student opting for a career of his / her own choice; even someone getting a divorce; all face the same question.

“Log kya kahenge? (What will the people say?)”

All of us have for any of the above reasons or even for other basic simple harmless decisions in life have faced this big question sometimes from family members, sometimes from neighbours, sometimes even from strangers who know nothing about who we are and where we are from. Random people on the streets happily pass judgements on you basis how you dress, how you walk; how you talk and simply basis how you choose to be. And everyone is worried about these strangers; worried about what will they say?

Does that surprise me? Surprisingly, not as much as it should. We all have grown up worrying about these people and our lives have become so entwined in this question about what will these people say that we unquestioningly abide by the norms and fences we have created around ourselves supposedly to ensure that we do not give these people the reason to say something at all.

But what does surprise me is that when rapes happen; eve teasing happens; children are abused; women are harassed and tortured; female foeticide is rampantly practised; brides are burned; people openly ask for dowry and even go to the extent of killing women for it; when honour killings happen; when children are forced into labour; when even elite society and middle class educated people force their children to adopt a certain career; when people are discriminated on the basis of castes; when capability and ability is suppressed on pretext or reservations; when there is a lack of even basic sanitation facilities for the public; when people openly fuel corruption at all levels; and when people fail to respect females or even other human beings; then “ye log kyun kuchh nahin kehte? (why these people do not speak up?)”

Why is there no fear of the society for doing something wrong when there is always a fear of the society for doing something right?

Parents: Rights and obligations!

In a landmark judgement, the Supreme Court recently has said that an unwed mother in India can become the sole legal guardian of a child without the consent of the father. This has sparked a debate on social media about the rights of the biological father when he does not marry the mother of his child for some reason.

I came across a gentleman who not only disagreed with the judgement but felt that irrespective of the situation, a biological father should have rights on the child and the mother should not only keep him updated but also take all important decisions related to the child in “consultation”. I felt just so angry listening to his views no matter how politely they were rendered. They were seething of male chauvinism. A man may choose not to fulfil any of his responsibilities but he still should enjoy the rights.

Also, I feel that Supreme Court should take a similar stand in case of divorced / separated parents where one parent, especially fathers, ceases to fulfil his / her duties. The schools, passport offices, government institutions still insist on Biological father's details in school even if the father has had nothing to do with the child, either socially or financially. They even insist on stating those details on ID Cards, Report Cards etc. as a permanent reminder to the child that he/she has a father who doesn't care at all for him/her. And let me tell you as a single mother of an 8-year old child whose father last saw her when she was 1 and half years old that it is very very frustrating for the child.

I firmly believe that one does not become a parent just by giving birth to a child. And mind you, I say parent and not father because this equally applies to both father and mother. A parent becomes a parent by living, breathing and existing as a parent - by providing the child with love, care, emotional and physical security, the sense of belongingness and the confidence of a support and a strong foundation. That's what makes adoptive parents as parents. And if biological parents cannot provide their child with that, they should have no right as a parent.

Addendum: July 2016

Recently, Delhi High Court ruled that a mother who is single-handedly bringing up her children can have their passports made without the father's name. However, the particulars of the case were very specific where the father of the child had abandoned the mother and child even before the birth of the child. The mother had since got all papers (birth certificate, school admission, etc.) done without fathers name. As it happens with all court judgements, the same is applied to only cases with exactly same circumstances.

However, there are still single parents (mostly mothers but also assume some fathers) who are in a similar situation where they are single-handedly bringing up their children without any presence (emotional, physical, social or financial) of the other parent in the child's life who are struggling to get the other parent's name off an existing passport. There is a plea to the government to modify the rules to accommodate such requests. Please sign the petition. It is a very genuine request more from the children rather than the parents. Every single parent child has a right to be associated with the parent who stood by him / her, be it the mother and the father.

My saree story: How I got on the saree bandwagon?

I have decided to participate in the ‪#‎100sareepact‬ where one should wear saree at least 100 times in 2015. I had read about it in The Brunch by HT this Sunday. This is an initiative by two women, Ally Matthan and Anju Maudgal Kadam, and is an attempt to bring back the saree in mainstream. I do wear a saree to office at times (more frequently in Summers than in Winters) and I can remember at least 8 instances when I have worn a saree in 2015. So, I have started today with number nine.

To be honest, I am a bit excited about this. It's been long since I have actually participated in something that I love doing anyway but something that becomes a social craze suddenly (does it sound like a vain craving for social acceptance?). So, I am also eager to share my saree story here i.e. how I actually got on the saree bandwagon.

As a kid, I often saw my mother wearing a saree off and on, mostly on special days like a festival, anniversary or a family function but also often on routine summer days. She looked beautiful - slim, petite and very elegant. That's how I started loving sarees. Just like all girls, I was excited about 12th standard Teacher's Day Role Play in school and the school farewell, both of which mandated sarees in my school. Both these sarees were chosen with a lot of care and deliberation mostly because I could not decide between the lovely sarees in my mom's collection. Then studies and job happened and sarees took a back seat. Even when I got married, I only bought a few designer sarees which were restricted to only formal occasions.

Only in 2010 when I joined a very vibrant and well-known MNC in the financial sector where my female boss wore beautiful and colourful silk, cotton silk and tussar silk sarees (I think so but I am usually clueless about the kinds of sarees and their textures) did the saree bug started tickling me again. Two years later, I got into another role, relatively senior, in another department and I decided even before shifting that I will start wearing sarees right at the outset itself (mostly starting suddenly involves many stares and questions about "aaj koi special day hai?" and that invoked a bit of hesitation). And I did start wearing them usually once a week basis at least in summers. I must say it helped me a lot. My new role also involved me taking risk management trainings for all Finance staff including some very senior management team members and donning a saree on those occasions made me look and feel confident. I think a saree automatically brings grace to a female, transforming her from a girl into a lady. One usually wears it with at least a little bit of heels, and with a saree one automatically tends to walk tall with back straight. All in all, it spells grace and it spells confidence. I have since switched roles and jobs and I continue to wear sarees to work off and on. I am not as slim and as petite as my mom, so I restrict myself to georgette and chiffon sarees but I also have a few silks and a favourite art silk saree that I wear often.

Here's a peek into my #9/100. (Please ignore the black box which I used for privacy purposes). It's a long way to go as I see people posting their 30th or so picture but I am just too excited to be part of this.

A big shout out to the special needs parents!

Off late I have met a few special needs kids and have somehow read a few posts on the net about special needs kids and their parents (and I cringe to even think that writing posts about such a sensitive subject is one of the latest fads... I hope it's not!) There have been a few thoughts in my mind about that and I thought it best to put those down.

 To anyone reading this, I want to make it clear beforehand that I do not have any idea about what a special needs family goes through on a day-to-day basis. I can imagine that it's slightly difficult than what us all go through. But, I would just say that I feel the following about a special needs kid / parents and a 'typical' kid / parents:

1. I do feel that a special needs kid and a 'typical' kid is after all a kid first. (That's why I say 'typical' and not 'normal' because even a special needs kid is a normal kid.) It does not help to distinguish between the two or treat them any differently. Personally my interaction with a special needs kid is not much different than with a normal kid. I do not see the point in making them feel any different that others (not different, not special - just normal). Same goes with my interaction with their parents. They do not need any sympathy or a kind word. They love their kid just as much as we love ours and nobody sympathises with one for being a parent to a child. So, if someone thinks I was rude because I did not demonstrate enough empathy, please feel free to think that I am a heartless person. I have anyway never given two hoots for anybody's opinion about me.

2. I have been told that being a special needs parents is not easy. I feel that being a parent itself is not easy. I haven't seen a single kid that has come to this world with an instruction manual. We all learn as we embark on this journey. We deal with everyday experiences as parents. All kids - both special needs and 'typical' - go through good days and bad days, emotional turmoil, growing up pains, and everything imaginable in human existence. All parents feel angry, upset, tired, weak, cranky, irritated, exhausted at various times and it's okay. We come around anyway because we are parents and we love our kids.

3. People tell me that special needs parents learn to celebrate little milestones and achievements and everyday miracles. Trust me when I say that we all do that and special needs parents and other parents are not any different in their celebration of their kids. I cry all the time for my daughter - and I am not even the person who ever cried in any movie, novels, TV series etc. until my daughter was born. But now, I get emotional all the time. I cry all the time. My daughter's joys, her pain, her success, her failure, her insecurities, her confidence, her little accomplishments - I cry for all of them. Even the joys and sorrows of other kids like when I see reality shows in which kids are participating and those annual award giving ceremonies where I am surrounded by all proud parents - they all make me emotional. And its not any different for special needs parents. The only difference is in the thresholds of our expectations for our kids. Some have higher expectations and others have lower. But, again it is okay because it has nothing to do with whether the kid is special needs or 'typical'. Each kid is different anyway and the expectations too differ and should differ accordingly.

4. I am told that special needs parents suffer because they feel disappointed when they compare their kids with other kids. Let me be very clear on this one specially. It never helps to compare one's child to others. It's not only happening to special needs parents. It happens to almost all parents. Every parent feels disappointed about something or the other when they compare their kid to any other kid. That other kid is just as unique as your own. He / she is bound to have something that your kid doesn't just as your own kid is bound to have something unique that the other kids don't. My genuine advice is never compare your kid to any other kid. Celebrate your child's uniqueness and give them an environment to flourish without influencing them with anything that their peers do.

5. Special needs parents deal daily with grief which other parents know nothing about. This may be true to an extent. But, I want to say that it's okay too. I read somewhere that “Grieving the losses is not incompatible with celebrating the triumphs.” This is so true. And it's not like other parents don't have troubles of their own. Just like every child's gifts are unique, every parents troubles and griefs are unique too. Some parents struggle with daily routines for various reasons (lack of support, for instance) while some secretly mourn the childhood their child would not have. Then again there are others who leave their kids in the care of others so as to earn their daily breads and miss the simple childhood joys each child bestows on his / her parents. Let's not forget that life is a tightrope walk anyway and no matter what some people harp about, nobody in this world has it all. We all have our share of challenges. It's natural to have heartbreaks and sadness. We need to learn to acknowledge these feelings just as much as we acknowledge our joys and happiness. Give them time, let them settle and then move on. Who knows what's in store at the next corner on your journey of parenthood?

So, if the next time I am told that I should have been more 'sensitive' towards a special needs child and his / her parent, I will not mince my words to tell them that they are being 'insensitive' to them by treating them any differently than any of us. We talk about inclusion but inclusion is not about demonstrating empathy and politeness; inclusion is about completely ignoring the need for any empathy and politeness.

Why I talk about women's issues?

This post had been in offing for some time now. Two three incidents happened recently that were prompting me to write this down to make my stand clear.

First, a friend going through an unfortunate divorce where he is allegedly facing many a false allegations and charges asked me why I ‘always’ favour women and write about atrocities on women and not on atrocities on men and on how the women friendly laws are being used by vile and vicious women against innocent men. Second, a female friend had tagged me against a post about “Feminazis vs. Women”. Of course, I untagged myself but sportingly shared the same on my timeline, briefly putting forth my viewpoint. Then again, Friday night I shared a joke on wives with a friend on Whatsapp. I added below that the same is also applicable on husbands (simply because the joke was otherwise not gender specific). He first asked me whether I am against husbands or against men. I responded saying that I’m neither and that I am against differentiation of any kinds. Just as I was explaining myself in as light hearted conversation as possible, he asked me whether I have been drinking since it was a Friday night. I laughed it off by saying, “Haha… I don’t drink. But, that was a good one – very effective in quashing everything I just said.” Of course, he covered it up with a “I was just kidding” argument and then even complimented me on being a responsible mother, but the point was driven across very clearly. The point in all this is that I am viewed by my friends as a strong-feminist.

I don’t see anything wrong with the label, neither do I think there’s anything wrong with being a feminist in the first place. Only, I don’t see myself as a feminist – at least not the kind of feminist that is popularly perceived as a “bra-burning, man-hating” person. However, if you really go by the Bell Hooks definition of a feminist which says, “a feminist advocates or supports the rights and equality of women”; then I may proudly be categorized as one. The key word here is equality. I am more of an “equalist” (without propoganding the communist agenda and Marx’s scholastic teachings) and I AM very vocal and supportive of equality among people: male-female especially, but even generally (for example, I am also against quotas based on castes).

I would like to see a world where it makes no difference what your gender is; where men and women share equal responsibilities and get equal rights; where they both respect each other for being a human rather than for being a male income provider or a homemaker (latter should just be different roles they play). Clearly, this is not the case as of today where, in the society, men enjoy a privileged status as against women, be it for any reason: traditional orthodoxy, roles played by them in the society or the generally superior psychological complex. And mind you, I am not referring to India alone although the problem is deep rooted in India. But, how do you bring about equality? Gosh, that must be confusing for anyone to understand.

Let me illustrate further: There are two books, one is lying on the floor and other one is lying on a high table. There are three ways you can bring them at the same level: 1) Pick up the book on the table and put it on the floor; 2) Pick both books and put then on a chair (a level in between); and 3) Pick up the book on the floor and put it on the table. I choose the third. If anyone has been following my posts on Facebook, Whatsapp or my blog; for most instances, I try not to generalize against men and male gender. I do not think degrading men will help in upgrading women. I try to talk about women. I try to talk about my views on the issues faced by women. But I do not deny that all men are not on fault and there are many men in the world who respect women and consider them equally capable as themselves. Personally, I favour all the laws in place to help women counter oppression, but just like we say in our world of risk management, “No control is fool-proof”, even laws are not fool-proof and each law opens doors for their misuse against genuine and innocent men. However, having said that, it is not a reason to not put laws in place just as much as we put controls in place nevertheless. Hence, we should continue to work towards upliftment of women. We should continue to talk about and discuss the problems and issues faced by women. It is my firm belief that we can change mindsets and societal equations by persistently talking about issues and creating awareness about them. The results may not show immediately but unless we talk about and challenge the problems, no change will ever happen. I may not be able to see the kind of world of equal opportunity that I envisage in my lifetime, but I do hope that if I and other people continue to talk about these issues and problems, our kids just might be lucky to witness our dream.

And so I continue to talk about women. Because the equations in our society currently are lopsided towards men. Because we live in a society where we teach women how to avoid rape, but don't teach men self-control. Because woman are told not to let men treat them as objects, but no one teaches men that woman are not toys. Because awareness and fear of rape is just a normal part of being a woman, like breathing and eating. Because when girls go to college they're buying pepper spray while guys are buying condoms. Because some women weren't even women yet when they first began experiencing misogyny and harassment. Because a woman shouldn't have to feel any less safe walking home alone at night than a man. Because men don’t text each other that they got home safe. Because when a man says no in this culture, it's the end of the discussion while when a woman says no, it's the beginning of a negotiation. Because sexuality, entitlement & consent are part of a conversation we need to have with our daughters AND our sons. Because breastfeeding by women in public is offensive, but scratching the privates by men is acceptable. Because we still have offices and schools which have a dress code that has a full page about what girls can't wear & nothing about what boys can't wear. Because there are still over 200 Nigerian girls missing and America is negotiating since months; yet they discreetly buy freedoms for male journalists. (As for India, we don’t even count our missing girls, leave alone take action.) Because women having opinions, even when wholly grounded in logic, leads to them being called "difficult" and "emotional." Because every woman I know has something to contribute to this discussion and that just makes me so sad. Because the guys are not going to take feminism away from me and call me bossy / hostile / aggressive and make this about themselves. Because the point of this isn't to shame men, it's to empower women and yet, so many guys are still making this about them. Because I'm tired of having to contend and demonstrate that I don't hate men. How about more proof that men don't hate women?

And yes, I do believe that this doesn't make me a ‘feminist’. It makes me a ‘humanist’.

My wish for you, my child!

My wish for you is that you blossom into a strong, confident and independent person. I wish you to stand tall in this world and to learn to depend on yourself. I wish you to find your passion and have trust in yourself so that you can learn to rise after every failure and not rest until you have achieved what you want in life. I wish you to not depend on money or material things for your happiness, but to learn to appreciate the people who love you, the simple beauty that God gave you and to find peace and security within yourself. I wish you to learn to give and earn respect, and above all respect yourself so that you can hold strong to your convictions. I wish you to learn grace, integrity and humility because these are the seeds of greatness.